saylentli-blog

[saylentli-blog]

August 16, 2017

I should probably not depend on anyone anymore. I should go fight for myself, alone. I don't need people who would just ruin me more nor to ruin their own life as well. That's how good I am despite of every crap life gave, God gave me. Oh God, why are you testing me this much? You can take my life if you want instead. I'm already a sinful follower of yours so I can't let myself kill myself just to make triple all the mistakes and betrayals I did for you, oh Lord. I can't let myself kill myself and let Satan win over the more powerful faith I have in you. Yes, I have so much faith in you because you have saved me so many times already. But I don't think I can still manage to hold on... I'm feeling too much. I'm about to explode. There's even demons inside me who wants me to kill myself, who whispers to me that I should kill myself.

Lord, I'm sorry for feeling this way again. I don't want to fail you so many times like how Peter denied you three times before the second crooked of the rooster. I'm even planning to have my own personal psychologist or even a priest to contact whenever I'm on this state cause Lord I'm sorry for you aren't enough but I need a huge amount of warm hugs and people who stop doubting me, who would see that I'm not really like this. Oh God, I wanted to kill myself to end this. How many more times would I felt this way? A hundred more times? A thousand more times? Oh God, I need your embrace, your warm embrace... and tell me that I should probably not do it because this is really your way for me to grow and learn and fulfill and let me feel the promise you have promised to us because no matter how hard life would be, I will always believe in you and no matter how crappier life would be, I will always have my faith in you.

[saylentli-blog]

"I keep on coming back. As if you'll save me at my worst. Obviously you wouldn't. When in reality, you'll just save me when you only feel like to. You'll eventually leave, I know. Cause who doesn't? Everyone does."

"Sorry but can you please leave? I don't think I'll be needing someone who don't actually fucking care. Just go away."

Things i scheduled to be sent this year but was too scared that i have been too honest so i deleted it all. All shoulda been sent to Mr. Know It All.

[saylentli-blog]

and just like what Ed Sheeran had said,

"I've got to save myself.

But if don't, then I'll go back.

To where I'm rescuing a stranger.

Just because they needed saving, just like that.

I'm here again.

Between the devil and the danger.

But I guess it's just my nature."

[saylentli-blog]

For Mr. The Proud Chef,

I've come up with realizations with my fucked up life again so better keep up with this message until the last sentence.

You are a fragile guy, don't deny it. And those people makes me want to help them and take good care of them. And that means some attachment to that person, right? Whether a family, a friend or a lover. The reason why I'm taking good care of those people is because they're and they'll be the ones I consider I could depend on. So losing them is too painful for me. Yet, they're the ones who left me. Besides, they do have reasons such as number one, is because they hurt me; number two, they can't talk to me because of their girlfriends or boyfriends; number three, is because I hurt them unexpectedly. And since I'm seeing you as a fragile person I wanted to keep and take good care of, I don't want to risk, again. We've been good friends. I don't want to lose another one. I've already lost so much of those kind of people. That's enough already. So can you do me a favor? Can we stop talking? Soon enough, you'll have a girl. You'll probably be as same as with the reason number two. Or might also be the reason number one or three. This is just to keep me from being left behind from an awesome people. I mean, my awesome people since I took good care of them. Also as for your information, the reason why I don't want to be friends with you with my main accounts such as fb, is because I'm seeing you as same as with those reasons why. Thank you for bringing up my mood. Wish you well.

PS. Tempted ako sa ginagawa mo. I know you're talking to me because I'm your only option & natetempt akong gamitin ka lang din. But I promise that I will never do that again eh. So, I'd better stop talking than make a mistake again. Just what I'd said. Don't use people just when if you need them. But instead, use them when you wanted them to be part of your life. I don't think you need me, to be part of yours. Di ko naman pwedeng hayaang ang iniiwasan kong pagkakamali eh gawin sakin? That's just too unfair. Let's play fair. I only tolerate people who is willingly to be part of my life. Anyway, thanks Mr. The proud chef (your contact name👅).

(Part 1. 8/14/17)

PPS. I will tell you something. You already knew about this. This would probably look like a, "eh kasi lagi naman kitang tinatawagan." But this shit is not just like that. I've been down, miserable, even to be honest; in a suicidal state. (Idk what will be the impact of the terms I will use. But it's your choice if you still wanna talk or still be friends with me. Whatever it is, I don't care. It's yours to make since you'll be seeing this side of me). There are demons killing me inside, and even trying to cause me to explode to make me think of suiciding. I have almost done self-harming, almost. I don't want my life to end but the demons inside me are too powerful and my faith in Him is even more powerful which is why in spite of how many times I've tried to, here I am, alive and barely breathing. Also, I've been asking people from Him who could I talk to since I always don't have the guts to ask for help from anyone. And there is you. Always in the right timing, actually. If you weren't calling, I might probably doing something isn't appropriate. God is in you to make me feel better and that what makes you an awesome person. The point of this is, I don't think that that is some like a, "eh kasi lagi naman kitang tinatawagan." No, it's not just like that to me. I'm not telling you to stay and be my friend always, to make me feel better because people will always leave you no matter what. I stopped talking to people but I do have exceptions that that includes you (since I have decided to close some doors) why I wanted you to still be there for me. I'm sorry for not being vocal with my problems. But I do appreciates you, a lot. I just don't want someone again to let my life be reveal and let that someone be one of the three reasons why I've mentioned on the first part. But also, i'm almost on the edge, thinking that maybe I should close the doors without any exceptions instead. As what Ed Sheeran's said, "I've got to save myself. But if don't, then I'll go back. To where I'm rescuing a stranger. Just because they needed saving, just like that. I'm here again. Between the devil and the danger. But I guess it's just my nature." Oh diba ang lungkot ko magsalita kaya ayoko ipakita sayo side kong ito eh. Hahaha. Kasi mapapagod ka lang din makinig, tulad nila. Eh ganon eh. ☺ But again, thank you. Gotchu just if ever if you also need a hand from a friend. :)

(Part 2. 8/16/17)

[saylentli-blog]

August 14, 2017

Today, I woke shaking because my dream is we, my parents, brother and I are talking about something, then suddenly we have talked about snakes. Out of nowhere there is a snake approaching my mom's direction. So she doesn't move and just let the snake slide into her skin. I was just across her. So after my mom, the snake where about to go in my direction. I was about to move, walking away in silence but my dad caught my arm and told me not to move anymore where I'm stuck so the snake approaches me. I didn't move and at that moment the words I have in mind is, "Died. Done!" But I was scared at that moment. In the dream I didn't move but here in reality I was shaking. That's why I woke up shaking. Even felt it like it's real cause I felt the tingle. I almost thought it was real. When I'm about to open my eyes, I can still feel myself shaking and the tingle around my body, mostly at the back where I much felt the tingles whenever someone is talking at my back, talking and feeling the air out of their mouth, oh brr. What is that? What a nightmare!

[saylentli-blog]

August 14, 2017

Tonight, I was being scolded by my dad because he saw me still awake at this hour, almost 2AM. Also, saw me watching this series: Doctors. So he got mad because I'm not yet sleeping because of this nonacads thing which is understandable because why the fuck am I wasting my time with this. But he doesn't know the reason behind it. The reason why. I am watching is because to comfort me since I am sad, again. Mad and sad again. And hear myself talking to myself, "He doesn't know. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. He doesn't know." How can life be this selfish again? I just want to make myself happy, even for what I want, even for what makes me really happy. I just hate life but I love God as well. I just can't stand my life anymore. I'm sorry again, my dear God for hating the life you gave me for over a hundred times already. I'm sorry..

I'd rather die gasping for air rather than dying because I can't stand the pain anymore..

I'm sorry for wishing my life to end, my dear Lord. I just felt too empty right now..

I was also told by him na he's ashamed of me. Okay, that's considered since I'm too thin. He was concern of what the others will tell. Sabihin daw nila di ako pinapakain ganon. I do have personal problems and they don't fucking care about it, including you since you won't even ask how am I keeping up? Like duh as if. Samantalang I am too frustated with my body, telling other people na di na kaya ako tataba? And guess what they told me. "Baka body structure mo na yan." Like fuck, it comforts me like really. Kasi sila tanggap ako kahit di naman nila ako ganon kakilala na ng matagal. Kayo na pamilya ko, di ako matanggap. How can you not be like them? How can you hurt me like this? You guys always degraded me but I kept being fine with it lang. I'm so mad with this life.

[saylentli-blog]

August 13, 2017

I've lost enough great people already. Isn't it too much? People I only met, and getting too attached, then lose them. It's too painful. Am I just too evitable??? They keep and keep and keep on avoiding me. Kenz Cuaresma, James Reynon, Hannah Salvacion/Seth Johann Castillo, Charles Titong, Christian Tubiano. How do I stop having feelings? How do I stop caring for someone? Am I also losing Juan Miguel Orquiza?? Oh he wasn't meant to be part of my life as well, I realize. He'll soon go away as well... damnit. Okay. You all go away. I don't need you. This was meant to be. That is might be the reason why my name is Evita. I am meant to be avoided. I'm evitable.

Will someone watch me go in as well? Will someone wants to watch me go upstairs as well? Will someone will look after me as well????????

Where are you, goddamn you.

[saylentli-blog]

August 13, 2017

I was thinking of Juan Miguel.. he hasn't calling me yet. And maybe that is because of that girl. They might be talking right now instead of me. He was just so down and sad about that girl not replying to him last night. And maybe that is because why he called me many times last night. Apart from knowing that he has a girl, and here I am still entertaining him. Ofcourse I do have a reason why. I like his company, he makes me happy and I need someone like that. For now. I feel like dying when I'm sad, my heart keeps hurting a lot these days. And it was even more painful when I'm hurt. I don't want to die yet so I'm using him as my source of happiness... for now. But it makes me sad and in pain as well seeing him, hearing him, sad because of someone else. How can people be this selfish? How can we be this selfish? When a person needed you to just reply and communicate to him, you can't. And there's another person needed that person you're ignoring, and it's me. Whoever that girl is, I need this man. Yet, you're ignoring him. He was so sad last night. He smoked weeds and even he's denying it, I know he did it because he's frustated of you girl. I heard him complaining. Nanggigil and all because you won't reply. How can you be so selfish? How can we be this selfish? How can people be this selfish of their time for others? Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I don't know the answer either since I've done it also before. I wish I could take care of him instead, even for his whole life I could. I wanted to. But I know to myself that he isn't the right guy I should take care of for my, and his whole life. I know to myself that we aren't meant for each other. So whatever we're doing, it's just we care for each other. I care for him. He is so fragile. And those kind of people makes me want to take care of them for their whole lives. But only their own soulmates can do that. And I'm not his soulmate and he's not my soulmate either so I can't do that. But oh well, c'est la vie.

[saylentli-blog]

August 13, 2017

I just need a person to tell me, "I am here now." Someone who wouldn't just say it but trully mean it. And all this stuff that bothers me and giving me a heartache would be gone and someone who will tell me he wouldn't leave me behind. Never ever. That is all I need. But I've got no one. I'd rather die than having no one. Oh my heart hurts so bad.. Thanks for a crap life.

[saylentli-blog]

August 9, 2017

Bat ganyan ka ma? Totoo naman sinasabi ko eh. Minsan mahal kita, minsan hindi kasi ang hirap mong intindihin. Nakakapagod kang intindihin.

[saylentli-blog]

August 9, 2017

How do I breathe? I'm gasping for air. I'm not ready for anything if ever I have disease. Just not yet. I haven't felt happiness G. Don't take my life yet. I still want to fall deeply in love with someone who's deeply in love to me, as well. I just want to be loved and appreciated atleast by my man. By the future man... I still want to make the most happiest moments with my man.. to get married, to have a fucking real man, fucking real love, fucking real date, fucking real affection, fucking real one. Those real couples does. Those real i love yous. Those real hugs and kisses. Those real addiction of me. Those real fucking feelings. Make our own family, my own family. I'll give everything in my hands to make them happy, my husband, my kids. Our own kids and let the love flow within the family, our family. My family. Ahhh. Hearing the word "my" ughh just wanna make it real. Just don't take me yet, Lord. I hope I misunderstood the symptoms, these days of having no air, gasping for a lot of air. I wanted to.. to ask a doctor what is wrong with my chest but I'm scared. What if I have? My parents just won't understand how I feel. They wouldn't support me either. I'd rather endure the pain than face their fucking hurtful words, blaming it was all my fault. Neglecting my own self's health. I'm sorry for disappointing you guys again, Mom and Dad. I'm sorry to fail you. Sorry for being a failure. Sorry for who I am. I can't breathe. What is happening to me? If ever, wish it wasn't that serious. What a fucking loser am I writing these words inside a class where my classmates were having a good time since there has no professor to discipline us and have a class. Hell yeah I just wanna get out and go to church and talk to G. Oh God, I miss your home.

Funny how I was too happy last night before starting to review accounting, I was sketching the man who makes me happy since third year high school. Just thinking of him, makes my heart happy. Sana siya na lang. Kaso mukhang imposible eh. Mukha ngang di ako magkakaasawa eh. Maybe the reason why.. I'm having these symptoms is because the only thing I've wanted to have in the future wouldn't even happening... sad. Oh well my life is sad. A tragic life.

[saylentli-blog]

Haaaaay

I don’t know but this somehow comfort me so so so much

[saylentli-blog]

February 26, 2018

Nakakainis lang na pinalaya ko siya para hindi na siya mahirapan pero parang ako yung nahihirapan dahil hindi na pwede yung dating andiyan lang siya pag gusto ko siyang kausap. Tangina kelan ba? Kelan ka ba darating. Sobrang kailangan na kailangan ko ng makakausap. Yung maiintindihan ako. Yung makikinig lang. Kailangan na kailangan ko ng buo mong atensyon, ng mga mahihigpit mong yakap, ng mga salita mong papawi ng lungkot at galit sa namumuo kong emosyon. Gustong gusto kong sumabog kaso nariyan ka at hahawakan ang mga kamay ko, pupunasan ang mga luhang tumulo, hahawakan ang dalawang pisngi ko, titingin sa'king mga mata at sasabihing, “Mahal mali. Alam kong alam mong mali. Maling pigilang magalit sa'yong mga magulang. Kailangan mong intindihin. Dahil yun ang tama. Yun ang makakabuti sa'yo. Yun ang gusto ng Diyos. Pero kung hindi mo kaya, andito lang ako mahal. Sakin ka magalit. Aakuin ko lahat. Lahat ng galit mo. Lahat ng gusto mong isumbat. Lahat ng gusto mong sabihin. Kung gusto mo kong saktan, sige. Mapawi lang lahat ng galit, tampo, lungkot ng puso mo. Andito na ako mahal. Andito ako para suportahan ka. Para pabutihin ka. Para ituro sayo na wag na wag nating paiiralin lagi ang galit. Dahil hindi magwowork ang isang relasyon kung puro pride at galit ang namumutawi satin. At sa huli, pagkatapos mong ilabas lahat ng iyon sa akin. Yayakapin kitang ng mahigpit na mahigpit. Yakap na parang wala ng bukas. Hanggang sa mawala lahat ng natitirang galit o kung ano mang di magandang nararamdaman mo. Dahil gusto kong maramdaman mo na through ups and downs, andito lang ako. At hinding hindi kita iiwan. Hindi ka pababayaan. Magpakailanman. Tahan na, mahal. Andito lang ako. Hawakan mo lang ang aking kamay at hihigpitan ko lang lalo ang ating paghahawak-kamay. Maiparamdam lang sayo ang pagmamahal na matagal mo ng hinahangad. Matagal mo ng pinakahihintay at matagal mo ng pinagdadasal. Andito na ako, mahal. Wala ka ng dapat ikabahala.” Pero mananatiling palaisipan na lamang talaga ito. Dahil lahat ng yon ay naririnig at napapanuod sa mga kathang isip lamang. Nakakapagod nang humingi ng atensyon ng tao. Kung di naman pala totoong atensyon ang ibinibigay niya. Tama na. Pagod na ako.

[saylentli-blog]

I fucking miss my favorite jerk, my favorite sin.

[saylentli-blog]

August 5, 2017

Wala akong makausap. Haha. Pulubi. Which is better, I guess. 'Cause atleast I'm needy but I can go alone? Not really, but quite. Hindi na tulad dati na landiin ko na lang lahat para lang may makausap. Napaka immature ko before. Napakaneedy. Akala mo pakikipaglandian na bumubuhay sakin which is true naman 'cause oh boy I can't live without flirting. Yes, that was me. Was, past tense. Pero haay. Sobrang boring. But I should love myself tho. Good bye.

[saylentli-blog]

August 2, 2017

Baby... i'm so hurt in a way I don't know because I need someone to talk to - to put away my hatred to my mom. I'm so mad how she called me a liar again. Just because pinaglalaban niya ang pinaniniwalaan niya na naiwan ko yung payong ko which is early in the morning she asked if dala ko ba payong ko and I said yes. Nagsisinungaling na naman daw ako kasi the umbrella is in here. Left behind in here. But the truth is after I used it early this morning, I put it there where she saw it after her day at school. I actually and honestly put it in there earlier after my day at school. I'm not fucking lying babe. I'm telling the truth, believe me. If hindi ko dala yung payong kanina, edi sana umuwi akong basang basa kanina. And di ko sana nagamit yon kanina na nilalaro laro kay Georgie. Babe do you believe in me? Because she doesn't. She has always accusing me of a liar. I sometimes do, but I often not. I hate it. It's degrading me and I can't calm myself right now. I'm in teary-eyed right now with the fact that I just need someone to calm me right now. I even browsed my contacts, there is no one I can call. This fucking unlimited calls and texts are wasted. I even called some people randomly, they're busy. I can't even tell the reason why I'm randomly calling people is because I'm mad and sad and needy of someone to calm me and I think it's fucking babaw lang naman but I'm mad and sad. Fuck life. Baby... asan ka na ba? I need you. I need to hear your voice. Tell me anything and I will be okay. Sing to me anything and I will be okay. Tell me jokes to laugh about and make me smile and lively again. I miss you, baby. I missed you my Seph-Seph. I miss you my bebi, quack quack. I miss you Christian Joseph Tubiano. I don't have our conversations anymore and there is nothing I can smile about, like your witty jokes to make me happy whenever I'm sad and not in the mood to be jolly. You are the only cutest person who did that to me. I'm sorry for letting you go and I miss you. You really are the one that I got away. I'm sorry for not being honest of my own true self because I was scared that nobody will like my own true self. Because I'm a nobody and that's sad. But I hope you're okay.. and happy with someone else better.. I wish I was her. I wish I was brave. I wish I knew I'll liked you or I wish I knew I'll be needing someone like you. I wish we could be the same. I wish you're still here to make me happy. I've really missed you but I think it's the best because I'm not sure if I like you or I just need you but thank you for being there for me when I needed you most and when I atleast deserved it. I wish you well, bebi ko... I wish you well, Seph seph ko.. There are just things that wasn't really meant for each other. You don't deserve me and I don't deserve you either.

[saylentli-blog]

July 31, 2017

First time ever ito na di ko napigilan ang tears ko. I'm even too serious. Nag effort pa siyang patawanin ako dun sa mahabang kwento ng joke niya pero di talaga ako natawa. Ang tigas ko. Sabi niya pa, "tawa ka please" gets ko yung joke pero di talaga ako natawa. Sabi niya pa, "ANG TIGAS NG PUSO MO," cause i'm so sad nga kasi. Naibanggit niya pa ulit yung pagpunta niya ng Vietnam. Even mentioning na dadalhan mo ako ng pasalubong through LBC mo ipapadala. You were asking me kung ano ba gusto ko. I was thinking of saying "I like keychains" pero you were mentioning their coffee. And that's actually my favorite. Kaya sabi mo sige. You insists kahit sabi ko na di ka naman magpapadala ganon. Kasi naman asa pa ako diba? Baka magkatotoo. Tss. Then bigla sabi mo pati ref magnets bibigyan mo ko and so shocked because nababasa mo ba ang nasa isip ko, "...tsaka keychain ha" and alam mo ba, that moment I was thinking if that really happen, i'll receive a souvenirs from you. Ipopost ko agad ganon, and say thanks and be proud or something. But I remember baka di naman totoo. Then minutes passed by, just 3 calls. You stopped calling and texted me na magcharge ka na then with another text of, "Huuuuuuug!!! Andito lang ako para sayo. Para namang di tayo magkaibigan." And therefore I overthink, sino kayang tatawagan mo after ko ng gantong oras around 1am. Kaibigan eh. Means there is someone more. Another is, bat ka pa magaaksaya ng pangload kung di naman kita nirereplayan or di ko sinasagot calls imbes tonight cause I needed someone right now. I was about to consider you as someone more than friends but oh well seems like I shouldn't. I was about to try pero mukhang wag na lang talaga dapat. But thanks tho for calling tonight. First time ko umiyak silently with a guy in a call, i'm too fucked up. Haay.