sarfisch22-blog

[sarfisch22-blog]

Last night was scary

I went out to a house party. My friend wanted to attend with a group, so I decided to join. It was an all black house party and at first I felt incredibly uncomfortable but I sort of just stayed with my group and danced. It ended up being fine. Lauren, who invited me, is latina. We had a lot of fun together and she was interested in one of the guys who came along with us, so asked me to dance with the other guy, in an effort to “make her moves.” I had no problem because the guy was very respectful and it was on my terms (no groping or grinding unless it was my effort.) I don’t tolerate men grabbing at me. Anyways, the night went on, I went to the car to grab water with the guy I was dancing with, then got a call from Lauren. She told me someone punched the guy she was dancing with right in the neck. Why? The boys explained that Brockton dudes are intensely jealous and will easily fight. This trouble maker must have not had a dancing partner all night, thus took a swing at someone who did. Lauren and I left with the two guys we went with, after having to talk them out of fighting- it was an effort.  Another “friend” to the boys in a separate car told him that he had a gun and would let him borrow it. He was waving it from the car window... 

The boys did nothing, but promised they would find where the guy lived and beat him up. I feel like I put myself in danger tonight. My mom is right, nothing good ever happens past midnight.

[sarfisch22-blog]

Received nudes from my “ex”

Ignacio sent me nudes of himself last Thursday (underwear halfway down, exposing partial penis) and wrote under it “Throwback thursday.” At first I laughed aloud and told my friends. Then I thought about the intentions of him sending it. One of my guy friends explained that he wanted to stay “relevant.” And thought I thought the picture was hilarious and in fact creepy because its the first contact he has had with me in over 2 months, I am indeed thinking about him, which was his intention. I’m so mad about that because he is obviously an asshole for contacting me that way. I haven’t responded. Its a power play. And I have the ball in my court at this moment. If I contacted him the ball would be in his court. He could wait for days to respond like I did or completely ignore me and pretend it was a drunken text message he never meant to send. Tumblr peeps, if you have some insight, comment/message me.

[sarfisch22-blog]

[sarfisch22-blog]

I woke up this morning feeling anxious. Thinking, “It is unlikely for Ignacio to talk to me again, even if he wanted to.” I miss him but its the wrong time for me to be with him, being 1 hour away, in school still, and concerned he’ll leave me for someone he perceives as being better (he has done it twice.) I know its not my job to prove to people what I’m worth. But I wonder why he couldn’t see it.

[sarfisch22-blog]

The image below-an early 20 something year old Ignacio, now 27, whom I don’t really understand my feelings for. 

Hes not in my life anymore (per-say) but he is on my Facebook. We dated for a time and I am not sure if my feelings are warranted or not. Am I an obsessed artist unable to let go of a failed painting. The hope and the passion invested was strong in the beginning, the result was disappointing.

[sarfisch22-blog]

There are so many things I want to think about in my life. And I feel the best way I can organize my thoughts is by writing them. As the one place you shouldn’t do that is on Facebook, I’m writing here in the hopes that I can share my experiences with my readers and have an open communication about 20 something year old trials and how to overcome them. Maybe through providing each other strength, courage, and new perspectives, on what we are living and feeling. God Bless!

[sarfisch22-blog]

Trying to understand why I wont let go of this man.