saralisa

[saralisa]

Multitasking

It is a little before five in the morning and her eyes have already opened way before the rambunctious blaring of her small red alarm clock could jar her out from her peaceful slumber.  Not today Satan! She rolls to her side of the bed, reaches out for her alarm clock, disables it and takes a deep sigh of relief as though she had just succeeded in defusing a bomb. She pushes back the cover from a sitting position, rises to her feet almost immediately feeling her full height and finds herself standing next to her bed in utter perplexity. It is unclear to her why she is up so early. Truthfully, she has no need to relieve herself nor is she disturbed by an unpleasant dream. Besides, the makeup artist will only be arriving at 10 and so are her friends and family; and so, she finds herself standing in full height in the midst of darkness trying to conjure up something to do at this ungodly hour. With no decision made, no motivation at all, she begins to move towards the window at the corner of her room and experiences such ease and lightness in her thread that she almost feels like she is sleepwalking.  

As she glides across her bedroom with almost comic facility, her eyes catch a glimpse of her wardrobe where a majestic white silk gown with a touch of lace hangs beautifully—she had explicitly designed her dress just the way she had imagined it to be when she was ten and it turned out to be phenomenal. It took her a moment to finally come to realize that she is getting married. In about few hours time, she will be known as Mrs James. The thought of it still makes her heart sinks into her stomach. Anxiety, excitement and fear begin to hit her like a tornado and she senses all of her sanity and her collective wisdom are thrown out the window. Fear, unfortunately, juts out from the rest. She knew very well she was getting married a year ago but she was too busy planning the wedding: picking the right flowers, the right chandeliers, the right tablecloths that she did not have the opportunity to give a thought about the marriage in its entirety, not even the slightest bit. What happens after the wedding? She does not know. She stands by the centre window, pulls back the curtain and slides the window open, letting the cold morning breeze kisses and tightens her skin. From the third floor she faces the night, the city is still eminently dark and peaceful—unencumbered by the traffic and the ceaseless crowd. It is a magnificent scene. She has lived in this apartment for five years and she had not seen the city at this ungodly time. From where she stands, the deep blue lake that became the sole reason to her buying this apartment in the first place is rather inconspicuous. It was as though she was starring into a deep abyss. Unbecomingly, she witnesses vagrancy in the park before her, underneath the glares of streetlights that do not quite obliterate the stars—an old woman with four cats as her little companions, an old man whom she heard was abandoned by his only son at an old folks home that he escaped and a young drug addict who has lost his family and his purpose of life.

In a few days, she will have to hand over the keys to the new owners—to a lovely couple, Sam and Ariel. They both seem very happy and the way they look at each other, it is as though nothing else in this world matters. It was almost too foreign, she thought. This apartment is her home – despite having to enslave herself to clear up the mortgage for this place she calls home, the ceaseless plumbing nuisance and those unfriendly neighbours, she loves this place. A lot has happened throughout the course of six years and Joseph was there through it all. Standing here by the window with her thoughts completely unanchored, she begins to trace back every significant moment of her life with Joseph. Sure, she loves him. Otherwise, why else would she be in a relationship with him for eight years? She should have expected that this day would come. Where else would this relationship go? He has been so good to her. Sure, in the beginning, it was unpleasant to a great extent. There were moments where their little contretemps became too profound but thinking back, there was nothing they could not overcome. Frankly, she deserved no credit for that. It has always been Joseph that would find ways to make her stay and quite truthfully, she has no reason not to. He has loved her and has proven his selflessness innumerable times.  Why couldn’t I do the same? She often questions herself and to this day, she feels very much undeserving of his love. Shouldn’t a man this great be with someone as great? Someone whom could return his love in equal manner, and as selfless as he is to her? It is not to say that she doesn’t love him. She does, in its entirety but in her own very unconventional way. She doesn’t express her love that much to him and she loves her time alone, sometimes a little too much. She tried being a selfless being by letting him go, giving him a grand opportunity to get on with his life without her but without having him in her life, it felt so much like losing a limb, she recalled. She is so used to having him around that it is truly an anomalous situation. Although she loves him, it isn’t as conspicuous nor it is tantamount to his willingness to sacrifice everything for her. If love is all about the willingness to sacrifice for another, perhaps, she isn’t truly in love after all? 

Truth is, marriage wasn’t something she really wanted and to this day, it is still unclear to her if she wants it as much as he wants it. Perhaps, getting married to him isn’t that bad, she loves the thought of having children of their own, moving into a new home, building a life together and growing old together. There is no one she could see herself with but him. But a part of her longs for something more than this very life. As much as how beautiful being a soccer mom and a wife to this great man sounds, she fears that there is much more to life than just this. What if this life is not meant for her? She feels like she has so much more to give to this world that perhaps, this conventional life is just not good for her.  The more she gives a thought about this, the more she feels suffocating and that being a runaway bride seems very enticing at this juncture. But she couldn’t do that to Joseph. They say, you can still pursue things you love while being married and being a mother but truthfully, she knows and everyone knows that she is not much of a good multitasker.

[saralisa]

Please update your post! Miss u xo

I will try! xx

[saralisa]

It is a little after dawn and I find myself sitting on the bench by the lake that is damp with morning dew as I think of you. We would go here every Saturday to see the sunrise, just you and I—we would sit on this very bench, hand in hand, my head rests on your chest as we inbreathe and relish the cool air on our skin. We would talk about everything, from something eminently trivial at work to something great and it felt like we had the entire world ahead of us. As the sun begins to rise, the dark sky is now greeted by brilliant gold and orange hues, concurrently turning the black lake into blue. They say, it isn’t my fault that you’re gone but what good does it make? You no longer exist in reality but only in photographs, my thoughts and my memories.  

I couldn’t sleep last night. Perhaps, it was because of the coffee I had earlier but sleepless nights are no longer surprising to me. In majority of the time, the images of you would come back to me and there is no way I could stop them. Too many memories of you and as soon as one of them finds the slightest aperture, the rest would find their way into the back of my head, like an unstoppable flood: You wearing that dark grey shirt I abhor and yet, lately, find myself sleeping in it; the face that you make when my pasta is too salty or my steak is too dry because you didn’t want to upset me; you sitting on the sofa, reading the news or napping after a long day at work. It is something very unusual to think that you are gone and you are no longer part of this world. It is something I have yet to comprehend—the fact that you are gone and I am here.

And yet, last night, I felt strongly that you were with me as I flipped through our wedding album. I could still feel the warmth of your body, your breath in my neck as you hug me from behind, and I was so sure that you were there with me that I could almost reach out my hands and touch you. But no, your flesh no longer exists in this world. When voiced aloud, people might think I am crazy but I could hear you laugh. I said I love you and I could’ve sworn that you said you love me too. In those photographs, you seemed happy—forgive me if I thought you were but in my defence, in most of it, you were smiling. I can bring back every inch of our wedding day. I had cold feet that morning and I contemplated of running out the back door, and it wasn’t because I didn’t love you. In fact, at that precise moment, I very much knew I loved you that my heart felt heavy and I felt nauseated. I thought, I wasn’t good enough and you must had sensed my agony when you knocked on my door and whispered “It’s me.” You told me you loved me, and you told me there is no way you could imagine being with anyone but me. And I was convinced then, as I do now, that you are “the one” and forever that will be.

I had earnestly thought you were happy and i reckon, they may be wrong. It is my fault, after all. Otherwise, why else did you choose to leave me the note saying goodbye. The word ‘suicide’ tastes bitter in my mouth. I watched your body being pulled out from the lake—your body is slightly bloated and white, and when i think of you, the haunting image is what i’d see beforehand, and I’d think to myself again and again, what did I do wrong? 

Thinking back, on that day at the altar, you did say “Till death do us apart.” Little did i know then, that death is only a year from now.

[saralisa]

The stars

I will always remember you when I look at the stars. It would bring me back to that moment we first met.  I wore my sheepish smile and my face was bare, my hair was in utter mess and yet, I could sense your stare as it bored a hole in the back of my skull. I pretended I did not see. You looked at me with so much awe just as how I was in awe of the stars in the galaxy. The night was filled with deafening silence as our thoughts ran wild. Our eyes finally met and everything had seemed so perfect. I never would have thought that this day would come, the day where I find myself no longer in your arms. But trust me when i say, I will always remember you when I look at the stars. 

[saralisa]

What's your favourite football team?

haha i don’t really watch football. 

[saralisa]

You're gorgeous

thank you x 

[saralisa]

what did you do after you graduated from your studies? working?

I applied for jobs but i decided to work with my dad. In the meantime, i started my online business selling womenswear and that’s pretty much it. 

[saralisa]

hello there sara, so i'm starting college very soon and i'm kind of nervous about it. this whole starting over thing, any advice you could give? what's it like being in college? is it the same as high school?

Hi! It is completely normal to feel that way. I made my dad sent me all the way to the lecture hall for orientation on my first day of uni (hahaha spoiled bratt) I’d say, don’t overthink! You will meet new people and make new friends. You’ll meet different kind of people - of which, some you could get along and some you couldn’t but just be friendly anyway. It is different than high school. You are on your own, this time. Be wise and make good judgments. And study hard and go and have fun too! University life is the best. Also, don’t be afraid to make mistakes, that is what is going to make university life more memorable. Good luck!

[saralisa]

What if I fall in love with my bestfriend? Whilst at the same time i support him to be with his girl..

Before anything, are you very certain that you are actually in love with him? is it a real thing? Since he is your best friend it is rather risky to have that sort of feeling and to act on it, especially if it is something uncertain. If you think he is happy with his current girl, and you don’t want to lose him as a friend, i’d suggest you move on. Give it a few months and see how you feel about him? If you’re still in love with him, let him know? 

[saralisa]

Where do you study and do they offer archi course?

i studied in taylors lakeside and deakin university. Yes they both offer such course!

[saralisa]

how to be happy?

I can’t tell you how you can be happy. But i’ll tell you how i get to be happy. Well, all i know is, it’s hard for me to be happy if i were to constantly think about the uncertainties, about the future mostly. I get depressed when that starts to sneak into the back of my head. You’ve no idea. But i tend to focus on the present. I get to be happy even by the littlest things that only i could comprehend. Like how my cat comes to me and gives me a painful massage, or coming across videos that make me laugh or cry, or how when you are driving alone and your favourite song starts to play. It’s to say that i don’t really rely entirely on other people to make me happy. Sure, i am happy when someone gives me compliments and kind gestures but that’s just it. I think, the possible reason why people are sad all the time is because they rely solely on other people to make them happy and that’s just not right. You’d end up with disappointments, that’s for sure. Learn to appreciate, even the littlest things in life and i hope that could make you happy.

[saralisa]

flabbergasted siaaa

okkkk

[saralisa]

What is your parents' occupation? Just asking to relate with you as a daughter :)

Well my mom is helping me out with my business so she could be everything really. And my dad, well, he is a businessman. 

[saralisa]

Can you tell me a bit about Haruki Murakami? I am sorry because I was so curious with these and I just wanted to know about it. Have you read it? And can you suggest which book of it is good?

I’ve only read the Norwegian Wood and I LOVED IT. You should give him a try and let me know? :) x

[saralisa]

Hi dear, I request you to write about a girl has a lot of friends but she feel lonely. And the only true friend she ever got is her parents who always be there for her.. (One friend but always invisible for no reason, and friends talk shit about her, and so, she also want to try change if she make mistake with her unknown) Thanks!!

haha okay i’ll try? 

[saralisa]

Sara do u hv any recommendations on good tumblr or blog which contain fiction story with nice vocab etc.?

uh not right now. Maybe because i don’t really get to go around and read other people’s tumblr! Sorry!

[saralisa]

how do you get over someone, sara? how do people even move on with their lives without being bothered by their past? i still cant get over a guy i dated for 3 and a half years. honestly i dont understand what he wants. he broke up with me the 1st time then he wanted a 2nd chance so i gave him then he wanted a break up again then he came back for 3rd time saying he misses me. what do i do sara? and right now he just cuts me off & act like nothing ever hurts him. what do i do?

I'm so sorry for the late reply. I suppose, my reply would mean nothing to you at this moment but I hope all is well with you. Sounds like he's an utter douche and getting over someone is possibly one of the hardest things to do. But there's no easy way for you to do that. Just stop responding to him and best way is to be friends with him when you're ready. Get your mind focused on something better. It could be anything really. Find what you love doing, then focus entirely on that.