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[san-mark]

A Father’s Lament.

Clinicians and other medical professionals would have me categorized me as a “protector” or “internal self-helper”. I see myself as a father, hence my hesitation to make myself known more often.  But, as the rest of the system expands into the digital sphere, I shall as well. 

However, I, at times feel as negligent as the original father was. It makes me ill as the pieces come together, but I must remain unwavering. I must remain calm but I am so full of anger in truth. It should not have taken this long for someone to love Them gently. There are so many callous people in this world, and I cannot protect my children from it. I cannot protect them from their callousness towards each other. There is no amount of love myself or any external person can pour into the gaping holes carved into these children that will begin to fill them. 

I want to cry and sob. But I am the one who stands when the others cry and sob. None of this should have happened.  I feel Hihi’s childlike anxiety when the Husband slips out of sight peak and not reduce. I watch Evelyn damage property and the body and attempt to torch every relationship we have built and coax others into suicide. I hear Connor trail off and close in on themselves, like a hermit crab retreating into its shell out of fear, at the slightest provocation. There are multitudes of pieces, and their cause is sickening. I hope I can do well.