sammy-sosa

[sammy-sosa]

[sammy-sosa]

if I fix you will you need me if I love you will you hate me if I leave you will it kill me

[sammy-sosa]

Jan Willem van Welzenis, 2016

[sammy-sosa]

Celia Gray

[sammy-sosa]

Joe Reihsen

[sammy-sosa]

harm

harm harm harm harm harm harm harm

you can’t know what it’s like to love yourself until you love someone else

harm harm harm harm harm harm harm

the first time i disassociated was in my dad’s car while he drove me and my friend molly to kindergarten. he drove one of those ‘90s stick shift trucks with a neon swoosh on the side, and a long bench in place of individual seats. i was sitting in the middle seat in front of the stick shift, and i remember suddenly reaching over and shoving the steering wheel as hard as i could. i remember my dad scolding me and asking if i realized i could’ve hurt someone when we swerved into the other lane. i tried to explain having an out of body experience without having the vocabulary to do so. i didn’t know what made me do it. i blamed compulsion. i was five

harm harm harm harm harm harm harm

do i hate you or me

harm harm harm harm harm harm harm

i can’t go to bed without driving past your house, most often mentally, less often physically, now that i’ve moved ~700 miles away from you. when we lived in the same neighborhood i would walk to my house from the bar and then drive around in circles on your street

harm harm harm harm harm harm harm

self care is not remembering how you close your bedroom door

harm harm harm harm harm harm harm

i thought about children being born as jen describes playing house in preschool, how they always used to play the dad, how that’s what adulthood was, how i was allergic to yogurt, how i always pretend-ate yogurt in the pretend-kitchen, how i would think about doing it in my own kitchen, how jen made a hormone therapy appointment, how i was still allergic

harm harm harm harm harm harm harm

i eat a bite of strawberry yogurt and my throat swells. some of the hives turn to blisters. my mom cries

harm harm harm harm harm harm harm

i can’t remember the texture of your hair

harm harm harm harm harm harm harm

i miss you more than i thought was possible and each day i miss you more

[sammy-sosa]

Daniela Gregis

[sammy-sosa]

#feed01

[sammy-sosa]

Koen dan den Broek

The Del, Blue, Red, Yellow, Red, 2014

Oil on canvas

[sammy-sosa]

[sammy-sosa]

Kenichi Hoshine http://www.kenichihoshine.com

[sammy-sosa]

Matt Connors

Reverse Deduction, 2016

acrylic on canvas

[sammy-sosa]

i need space

you tell me i give you moths instead of butterflies

because that’s what you liked when you were younger

but you push me at karaoke and you friends stare at my feet

as if this has happened in front of them before

with some other person in my place

you give me harm and i can only need more of it

[sammy-sosa]

Molly Zuckerman-Hartung

Walking in Sweet Freedom

2017

dye, bleach, acrylic on linen, canvas, coat lining, tee shirt. Sewn.

88 x 60 inches

[sammy-sosa]

Lesley Vance

Untitled, 2017

watercolor on paper

[sammy-sosa]

Rosemarie Auberson, Untitled, 2013

[sammy-sosa]

every single thing i’ve ever touched i’ve thrown away

it’s not worth it to make a list

of the things i’ve lost and then desperately needed

i convince myself i am learning my lesson this time when i discard you

i don’t throw us away recklessly, my intention when i leave betrays past guilt from leaving others before you

i miss you with regret instead of desire

a question of permission rather than action

so i will carry this memory with me

until i forget not to throw it away