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Do you remember?

Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me? We were at my place. We use to call it the ‘halfway house’ because I had so many random roommates. I guess that’s LA for you. We were in the living room, on the couch. No one else was home. The lights were dim and some random, terrible Redbox I picked out was on. A girl always anticipates the moment those 3 little words arrive. I must have thought about it a million times before that night, I felt it building inside me too. Your voice was low and confident. You grabbed my hand, gently kissed it and said ‘I love you.’

  But I did not expect what happened next... To be honest, I thought sparks would fly and fireworks would go off. I pictured it being this exciting, new moment, our relationship taking the next step. But, that’s not what happened at all. I’m so sorry, that must sound terrible, but please let me explain. I was sitting on your lap, facing you, looking in your eyes. You said ‘I love you,’ and then something happened. It’s like your words unlocked a door in my mind. Behind the door was an entire room full of sweet, dripping honey. And, just like that, all over again, there we were...

  It was the most perfect spring day and we were taking a break from rowing, hanging out in your dad’s boat in the middle of the water. We were surrounded by greenery, that’s always been my favorite. It was high noon and your eyes glimmered better than the water. We had grown up together as children, but our innocent friendship was blossoming into much more. The feeling was more than mutual. You placed my hair behind my ear and sang to me, ‘I love you’ as the butterflies passed by.

  We were outside at a cafe in Paris. It was chilly so you kept heating up my fingers by breathing on them. The air smelled of fresh bread. We drank hot tea and shared a flaky croissant. I remember thinking that the depth in your eyes matched the colossal mass of the Eiffel Tower. We were older, or the time was long ago, I can’t quite tell anymore... but you were sitting across from me and the words spilled out onto the table. I quickly reciprocated, just as excited and then we laughed like kids.

  You were leaving for war and I gave you my silver necklace, making you promise to return with it. We had just met that summer and were already inseparable. It felt like I’d known you forever. Life was so very fun, but the fun was about to end. The war was serious. If you were afraid, you didn’t show it. The air was steady, your eyes solemn. It came out still, like a confession. Then you put on your side cap, kissed my forehead and walked away.

  I was getting pulled away from you, being sent to Auschwitz. It’s was chaos. You grabbed my face as to make sure I knew, and said ‘I love you.’ We knew we would never see each other in that life again. My lungs screamed a guttural cry. You held on to me for as long as you could until they ripped us apart. The look of helplessness and loss in your eyes as I’m being taken away still pricks my heart all these layers of lifetimes later.

  So, you see my dear, it’s not that I was let down by the lack of new emotional climax, it’s that I was surprised by the old friend of familiarity! These shells of ours will wither once more, wrinkle like they do. And one day, my sweet, we will have to say good-bye to each other again. But find peace in knowing that when the last sun sets and the song loops, I’ll come find you. I always do.

-Dedicated to forever eternal binding of love of my Grandpa Jack & Grandma Joyce.

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It's like my body language is his first language. I use to notice him watching me, studying. Like a chemist, he'd take mental notes on my body's reaction as he'd explore. Now he's professional with me. He can read my body and knows what it needs. A gentle, slow touch or firm affirmation, he always knows. Without words, his gratitude for me is expressed in his devotion to satisfying me. He is a generous lover, staying focused on me until he absolutely cant anymore. First, he engages with my psyche, pressing deep into my cerebral cortex. He is familiar here. He took the time to push through the layers of steel and molasses that once protected me. Now he walks the streets of my mind gleefully, with a hum and a light skip. All of me loves him. He feeds me my love language by the spoonfuls. Then he begins to navigate my body. The sound of his voice giving me direction always makes my body cave. It's like our souls have been doing this dance for centuries. The high far surpasses anything I've ever felt before.

S. Endres

To my husband, you inspire every fiber in me. 

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A foggy night in New York.

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Journal Entry 1

I’ve hit a writing spurt! Its like I’ve been given a gift, but I don’t quite know how to hold it yet. It feels delicate. I am trying a couple different styles, its exciting. I sent two writings to my sister and Kev, both got positive feed back. I just finished another, but I don’t want to overwhelm them. I’m trying to take it slow, but I’ve heard of artists recording an entire album in a night...maybe thats just how creativity works. Whatever it is, it’s special. Another one is brewing inside of me, I can feel it, it’s physiological. I told Kev I want to stay in a cabin where the redwoods are-who am I?! Lol. I wish I could pick up and leave to a creative space, but responsibility calls. I deleted my Instagram app a few weeks ago to help me focus on upcoming finals, maybe thats a contributing factor to this new wave. I’m enjoying it. I want this forever. Doing hygiene a few days a week, leaving enough time for writing and family seems like the perfect career plan. I have to take the dog for a walk, he’s less amused by my writing. 

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siren symphony

instagram

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Ralph & Russo Haute Couture Autumn/Winter 2018

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Kev was my person, my go-to, my break from life, before he became more. This song reminds me of how he helped me carry the weight during the toughest time in my life. 

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August 2017-Present Day

Well, true to form, I haven’t wrote anything since my post a year and a half ago now. And, also true to form, I absolutely hate everything I wrote. I sound so young reading it back. And not young in the cool way, young in the ‘Omg this girl is dumb and annoying af.’ 

So much in life has happened since then. Writing all about it in one setting feels super overwhelming at the time so I’ll give bulletin points:

-Planned a wedding

-Got married

-Venue burned down 5 days before wedding

-Cancelled wedding

-Died inside

-Had an amazzzzing honeymoon

-Remodeled our kitchen/laundry/bathroom

-Got a puppy

-Quit my job

-In school (forever)

-Healthy family & friends

-Need to plan Christmas in July

-Currently at Panera Bread

I should be doing homework. Scratch that, I am going to do my homework now. I’ll give deets later.

Love, love.  

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=an9kjBI6Ntw)

Take back my life song.

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MOOD

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THEY CALL ME CLEO

Alright, lets take this slow. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with blogging throughout the years. I love writing and I am definitely one of those annoying people that say ‘its just so therapeutical for me.’ I will start a blog, pour my heart into it, feel too exposed, then delete it. Rinse and repeat. And my first post (for the ninth time) always starts off just like this. My name is Samantha and I’m addicted to life. “Hi Samantha” (*AA meeting unison voice*). The good, the bad and the all too ugly; I love every minute of every second of life. Reverse that. (Oh, and just for the new reader, I never delete anything when I write. I feel like it takes away the authenticity, the purity, the most therapeutical part of writing.) I’ll spare you tons of cliches, just enter your version of ‘Live. Laugh. Love.’ here. My sister hates that phrase. Like all, life isn't always easy, but if there’s one thing my journey has taught me, its that there is beauty in everything. I look back and even during the hardest times, times where I was literally living in 15 minute increments, I was learning some of the richest lessons of life, and that, in turn, is beautiful. 

I’ve always been in love with big city lights. Maybe its because of watching the intro to Saturday Night Life as a kid as I struggled to stay awake past 10PM or maybe its because I grew up in a small town…really can't tell you why. But I always have and I do. I always knew I was bigger than my hometown. There was nothing wrong with growing up there, Im actually glad I had the accountability that a small town offers. I feel like I would have died already or gotten myself into serious trouble if I grew up in a place as fast as LA. LA + wild child = no good. I pictured myself like Carry Bradshaw from Sex and the City, single, living in an overpriced, too cluttered flat downtown somewhere, working a dream job, spending my off time with friends and going on tons of first dates. I love everything about dates, but I think I love getting ready the most. I put music on just a little too loud and dance around as my foundation dries. I love feeling confident and sexy. I love being overdressed and usually aim for it. And, of course, I love having a good time. I use to be more of a ‘center of attention’ person when I was younger, but as I’ve grown up, I find myself playing the roll of ‘pretty quiet girl’ or, more accurately, ‘pretty quiet girl whose always making out with her boyfriend.’ Yep, Im in that kind of relationship. Some couples get drunk in public and fight. When we drink, we turn into ranging hormonal teenagers about to loose their virginity with a crowd of our friends around. We get told to go home often. I definitely see how it can be annoying, Im annoyed just writing about it. My boyfriend…my boyfriend is all that is right in the world. I definitely feel like he's a gift. I could talk about him all day, every day and still feel like I haven't  explained enough how amazing he is. Im sure my cheesy corn corn self will dedicate many posts to him in the future, so I’ll spare you in this first writing. Besides him, there are only a few other heavy hitters in my life. One, of course, is my big sister. She's pretty rad too. 

My paradise is 850 square feet, but the love inside could cover the world. I love my job, but do not know if its my end game yet. I don't eat meat and have a real bone to pick with the mega meat industries, those cruel, deceiving swine. Pink is my favorite color, followed by black and glitter. Never pink & black together though, its so juvenile. I am a temperature person. When it comes to food, if its suppose to hot, I want it steaming. If its suppose to be cold, I want frost. I hardly ever eat room temperature foods like chips (every now and then I get a hot cheeto craving). As for the weather, Im in love with the sun. I don't think it could ever be too hot. I love laying out and feeling the rays bake my skin. I strongly dislike the cold only because I have reynaouds disease and lose the circulation in my extremities and it can be very painful. I believe in God, but I don't know too much after that. My favorite feature is my eyes, just kidding its my booty. I love vodka and have a weird obsession with teeth and dentistry. Im an aries so I get into these phases. Right now Im really into exotic fruit, goat cheese, and school. Tomorrows my first day! Ive been on spring break since��‘14 and Im finally at a good, stable place in life and I am so excited to get back to achieving my goals. Its very humbling to see all the young kids around me, but in a good way. Stilettos, Choo, pumps…anything other than the word ‘high heels.’ It just seems so primitive to me. ‘Sam hungry’ ‘high heels’ like, can we not? Judge Judy is my jam. I definitely love cooking a lot more than I ever have. Im in the middle of planning my sister’s baby shower and I can't be more excited. Pharmaceutical companies are right up there with the meat guys on the list of my Most Strongly Disliked. I try my hardest to not use the word ‘hate’. I love reading and enjoy a good book over going out sometimes. Its a passion Im glad my mother passed down to me. I want to get better at documenting life because it goes by so quickly. Maybe that how this all started…

Nevertheless, I think Im done for today. Just setting up the blog was exhausting itself. I actually went with word press first since tumblr is like for tweens, but word press wasn't user friendly at all, or maybe its just me…dammit. I have to pick my love up from his final four fantasy draft event in a couple hours. He will most likely have a few beers in him, thats when he's the funniest. Grilled cheese from In and Out is on the menu for tonight, but I think Ill make myself a goat cheese and olive plate right now. Oh, with some hot tea my sister sent me! Aw that sounds pleasant. Goodbye endless abyss that is the internet. Until next time. 

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