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The Chase

"12 Years a Slave wins all these awards, yet slavery is one of the world's fastest-growing industries. The word 'irony' doesn't cover it. We've got to look at it, and we're not managing at all. We're fucked up, really fucked up. What goes on out there beggars belief." - Emma Thompson

Sometimes I have to be naïve enough to believe that all I need to do to change the world is run with my heart. 

Going in full throttle. 

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Sometimes I'm terrified

of all the stupid things that I might do

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Facts

I literally have no idea how to process this except to write out the facts. 

A-muh passed away last week. 4 years and two days apart from when A-gong passed. Both times I found out the day before leaving for a retreat/conference Both times Dad was already on the way back/planning to go back to visit. Dad is now in Taiwan. Mom's flying out next week. Which means I won't see them until summer because they won't be home for spring break. And now it looks like I won't see them much for summer either since I will be flying out only a week after. But I'm not particularly sad about that. 

I think I keep trying to pinpoint where I'm at, like I can geographically locate my emotional and mental state. But in the process of attempting to analyze the nothingness that's there, I start to analyze the fact that the nothingness is there. I still feel like a robot. It feels like I'm trying to force myself to feel the weight, the pressure, the wave of turmoil and pain, even though God took that away from me. It feels like I'm trying to make myself feel some sort of despair just so I can give that up to God and feel the comfort of a weight being lifted. But I don't feel numb. I don't feel lost or dazed. I'm not emotionless, I just have no idea what my emotions even are or should be. The times that I have cried I literally have no idea what it's about.

I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I don't feel guilty for not feeling sad. I don't feel heavy-laden. I have the blessing of not feeling the pain and grief. I don't feel overwhelmed or stressed. But I'm falling behind in classes. Have to hand in last week's lab late. Don't know when I'll get around to doing this week's lab, both of them. I'm sure I bombed that test. I want to devote more time studying and working on my craft because I actually care about that deeply. But I need to do the necessary prep work for that so I can turn in the assignment in two weeks. I want to spend time reading the Word and prepping for next week. Actually that's the one thing I keep picking up, my Bible. And my guitar. There are things I need to say to people. Don't know when I'll have the time for that. There are people I want to reach out to and spend time with. There are books I need to read, books I want to read. Applications I need to review, decisions I need to make. Numbers I need to crunch out so I can make those decisions. All these things to do but not sure where my priority lies. I should probably catch up with school work so that no longer becomes a lingering issue, but all I want to do is pick up my Bible and books and study more movies and scripts. I don't feel overwhelmed mentally but my mind is definitely ADD right now.

I need to write A-muh's eulogy. 

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Sam's 5 step guide to handling stress

1. When your brain constantly is reminding of things to do, write it down somewhere on a list or calendar

2. Evaluate the list, knock out the easy stuff first

3. If after weeding easy stuff out, the list is still overwhelming, attempt to relieve stress by crying your eyes out

4. If you are a robot and are not capable of having human emotions, take a few moments to reel in the mental damage that just occurred

5. Breathe

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I can't help but feel

that I am desiring for something so much deeper than what I have.

Day after day, night after night

It's just a bottomless pit of emptiness 

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Lights, camera, midterms.

Yup...sounds about right...

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My most frequent conversation with God

Me: Ugh, you know what the issue in NYC is? There's too many damn people. Period. Why can't we just get rid of some of them? God: Ok, why don't you leave then?

Me:.....

Well played...

I'm only human. Just an egotistical, self-righteous, self-entitled, greedy, self-centered a-hole. Which is basically the definition of a New Yorker.

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It has taken every fiber of my being

To not point my finger at God and blame Him for how we all ended up here. My faith is something I have come to treasure, but so much of the time I am clouded by just how ignorant and vile we really are.

I keep looking for reasons to stick around, and though there isn't much convincing arguments that has made the case, I do so perhaps out of my own masochistic mannerism, but most of the time it is a God-given miracle that I am even continuing down this road.

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I keep getting this feeling

that all I want to do is just run, away from here, away from this and toward something new

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I feel like I'm hitting that time of the semester

when I look back and realize everything was a blur

that I didn't spend enough time with the Lord

nor did I spend enough time building relationships

nor did I really spend as much as I could with academics

I want to go home cause I'm tired of constantly being busy

But I also want to stay here cause I know that by the time I actually catch a break, the year is done

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Redeemed

I often wonder why God still keeps us around, why He doesn't just wipe us clean and start all over, seeing as how far we've fallen. But perhaps He has already done so. As I read through Francis Chan's "Multiply" today, I realized that I have somehow forgotten about the many stories of how God attempted to wipe out humanity in his anger. 

Noah and the flood. Case and point. 

You would think that the sole family saved from the flood would know better to live faithfully the second time around. Except that's not how the story goes. As evident from the rest of history, time and time again humanity will lash out at each other and rebel against the Creator who gave them life.

Could it be that God knows humanity is not capable of saving ourselves even if we tried?

How many times would He have to wipe us out before He reaches a gruop that does not rebel?

But in the season of Easter, and the beauty to this story, is that instead of starting with a clean slate, he chose to offer us the only remedy we have -Christ.

I will still question why God keeps us around. But the resounding answer is shown in His love through Christ's death and resurrection.

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(Excerpt of old post) The coming out of a closeted Christian

"For a long time I've toyed with the idea of drawing rather realistic similarities between Christians in the 21st Century and homosexuals in the 21st Century (but the latter is quickly changing). In the simplest explanation, I think most people hide their sexual orientation because of fear of how they might be received by society. I suppose even today, wehre the world is supposedly becoming more tolerant (and ironically, it's becoming increasing intolerant of Christian activities, I hate these double-standards that keep popping up), people still have a hard time when they are about to drop the bomb on others. You see, in my opinion, Christians aren't much different from homosexuals, I wouldn't tell someone about my faith for the same reason that someone wouldn't reveal their sexuality: fear of judgement. The only difference I can see, is that Christians always seem to be held to a different set of standards. Apparently, it's fine for everyone else to express their beliefs, but when we present our beliefs that stemmed from living, breathing, Word that was here 2000 years before the laws were set, we are immediately shut down because it's "politically incorrect." Are you freaking kidding me? So you see, Christians and homosexuals are pretty much in the same boat, I say we just look at each other as human beings and talk about the gazillion other ways we've messed up deeply as mankind."

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I sometimes have a hard time believing that God isn't just playing a really cruel joke on us.

What the frick. Back to square one.

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Amazing video, amazing message. Check out Gorilla Grain for film grain filters