salvationthrustarvation

[salvationthrustarvation]

Reblog if you genuinely think you're fat.

[salvationthrustarvation]

24 October, 2020. Starting again.

me after today.

I'm back, and starting again. I've had around 2 months of eating what I want. Issue is that I wanted everything and anything. I dont know why I've let it get this far, but I've had enough. Im sick of being fat and being out of control and eating. I'm downloading a tracker again, daily weighing start in one week maybe longer, I'm too scared to look until I know I'm down. I'm going to reach my ugw this time, make no mistake about it. 100lbs here we come.

[salvationthrustarvation]

heehee.... look who’s back

[salvationthrustarvation]

Troche thinspiration.. Nie moje zdjęcia

[salvationthrustarvation]

we love setting basically impossible goals and then hating ourselves when we don’t meet them.... and that’s on failing the week’s diet plan on the first day! 

new rule: the safe parts of the school lunch that mum makes and dinner. that is all. let’s stop being a fat bitch and eating jam and nutella out the jars after dinner, ok? my average calories is like 1500 this week and that’s so foul i hate it.

[salvationthrustarvation]

I hate this so much…

Being the fat sibling sucks, especially if you are trying to lose weight…

I see my sister eating whatever, sitting all day and still manage to stay THIN…

But here I am… Having an ED, hating myself, starving myself… And STILL MANAGE TO STAY FAT….

[salvationthrustarvation]

25/8 update

binged sunday, restricted monday, got down to an average calorie intake of just under my goal. got my learners license today, immediately started dreaming of food i could get to congratulate myself. held off, only to eat when i got home food that i didn’t need to eat, and then eat more food that i didn’t need to eat after dinner. all of this has happened right after i hit my lowest ever weight too, which is fucking brilliant. we love that.

i’ve eaten just over 2000 calories today and only burnt like 300 walking to and from appointments i went to. i feel fucking disgusting, think i need a good long fast but it’s so hard to do without anyone noticing... and i have to do baking tomorrow for a bake sale at school the next day, and baking really just is not safe. i hate this so much and wish i could just get rid of all the food from my house, but as i can’t do that, i’m just going to restrict as much as i possibly can until next monday, when i have a meeting with my counsello at school.

she’s really nice, we did this ed questionairre thing last week an she said she wanted to talk to the ed specialist at the local hospital about getting me into their programme, but that means my mum needs to find out and i just wish she’d let me go at my own pace.... i feel okay talking to her about stuff but wish she didn’t feel the need to progress it. i don’t think i’m ready to see any medical professionals, i know i’m not thin enough for a start, my bmi is only 17 and given that i’ve gone over my calorie limit 2 days out of the past 3, it’s going to take a few days to see that number drop. i was hoping to get to a bmi of 16.5 by our next appointment, it’s going to take a miracle but i’m willing to give it a shot! any progress is better than no progress anyways. 

deliberately setting really fucking hard resolutions for myself, but i figure better to aim really fucking high because imagine how nice it will be to look back next week and be able to say i did them all!!!!!

resolutions for the rest of the week

look at thinspo every. single. day. every time i want to eat, i’m going to look at where i want to be: the skinny bitches who i want to be like don’t fucking eat do they? no sir. so tough shit, shut up and starve.

no calorie liquids at school, no exceptions. either give lunch to friends or throw that bitch in the trash

if you feel like eating after school, go into town or go for a walk or watch an ASMR mukbang (anyone else find them so nice to watch? like a meal replacement...) or do literally anything else except eat

dinner is all i’m going to eat. if my family has a pick dinner night, make it under 250 calories.

tomorrow when i need to do some baking, i’m going to wear my aligners so that i can’t eat.

[salvationthrustarvation]

17/08

okay so i tried mdma for the first time and it was so great, i managed to fast for over 30 hours (fairly new to fasting so that’s my new longest fast!) and hit my new lowest weight! we r making progress my dudes!

also: mdma is the best drug i’ve ever tried like i genuinely think that everyone should do it, it’s put me so at peace with death and this reality and stuff like holy shit it was incredible

[salvationthrustarvation]

bros i literally can’t have bread... i’ve eaten 300 calories in fucking bread today and it’s actually not okay. also can’t have raisins either... fuck my life why do all of my favourite foods become unsafe foods and are super fucking high kcal....

[salvationthrustarvation]

14/08 update

i’ve started seeing a counsellor and she wants to refer me to the eating disorder team at the local hospital but little does she know that my bmi isn’t 16.5 yet so they can’t diagnose me with anorexia and i don’t meet the requirements for anything else.... looks like i’ll just get super skinny i guess, i’m going to try and lose as much as i can before our next appointment next thursday just to show her i am sick, if i lose 9 pounds i get a bmi of 16.2 so i guess that’s the goal right now...

am i the only one who thinks like this lmao like let me impress my counsellor by getting to a medically anorexic weight so she doesn’t feel silly refering me to a proper ed treatment team and wasting their time...

[salvationthrustarvation]

i have very few followers on here but one person would be worth it

Please make this go viral.

It is so important I don’t even care if you delete what I write here, just help it be seen. 

[salvationthrustarvation]

Meanspo for myself

YOU, you disgusting. greedy. horrible. failure. What the actual fuck is wrong with you! Thought you were doing good huh with a just rice cake and little 35 cal snack….. but your such a failure that once dinner time hits you stuffed your fat ugly face. Your such a PIG did the food make you feel good, did it make you smile? Did you even stop to taste it or even THINK about the calories as you ate or did you just inhale every bite and crumb you could find. Now guess what cow! All those calories are going to seep into your stomach and thighs making you huge….. congrats you decided to be happy for 5 seconds then hate yourself when you could have gotten a grip and be happy forever! Are you proud of what you shoved down your throat? was it worth it! You are such a disappointment and you will NEVER be thin and dainty.  

[salvationthrustarvation]

i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not binge.

i will look like this.

[salvationthrustarvation]

it’s okay because tomorrow is a new day with a new opportunity of salvation through starvation

keroseneantics

[salvationthrustarvation]

i feel like i’m faking having an ed because i’ll have these moments when i’m so tired of being in control and i just eat whatever the fuck is around and then i hate myself. walking home today i knew i was going to buy chocolate at the dairy, but managed not to because i remembered how much i hated myself last time i did it. went home, ate a safe food and then my mum left so i fucking binged - 2 lemon creme biscuits, 2 pieces of toast with marmite, and around a serving of peanut butter with jam. not that much compared to normal people but i feel so fucking gross. i feel like a failure and i feel like i’ve just convinced myself i have an ed and i’m really just a massive faker. 

i’m just so fucking tired of feeling like this.

[salvationthrustarvation]

8/08 update

yay yay yay i managed to fast for like 25 hours which i usually can’t do because my mum will make dinner, but then had like a mini binge right before the party (600 cals?) BUT i drank a fuck ton of vodka (maybe half a litre ish? a lot for me as i don’t really drink often at all) and obviously thats a lot of calories,i vomited that AND my mini binge up. even declined offers of burger king which i’m proud of. im definitely getting better at turning down fast food! 

this morning was a bit of a mess though, i had this cream filled pastry, two marshmallows and two slices of bread, and then got home hungover and made myself a big cooked breakfast to soak up the alcohol, probably already over my calorie limit for today but it’s okay because i did ritalin too last night and now like the thought of food disgusts me so much i feel slightly sick so im just not going for the rest of today.

even came home and weighed myself (before cooked breakfast but after other food) and i haven’t gained at all!! sure i didn’t lose and it’s probably just water weight i lost from being sick, but i’m so proud of myself anyways <3

[salvationthrustarvation]

yessss omg i’m always looking at peoples calves and trying to work out what mine must look like

Me staring at the legs of random skinny people