sakuraxiao

[sakuraxiao]

[sakuraxiao]

It’s from that meme on twitter but 2024 version for me

[sakuraxiao]

20240920

i took one day leave yesterday because i was feeling so incredibly horribly on wednesday. idk what happened but my anxiety was all over the place and i just kept crying throughout the whole day. my heart just couldnt settle

i dont even know whats wrong with me right now tbh. anyways i just took urgent leave on thurs to rest. i wnted to do some work but i just let myself rot in bed... and i felt a bit better today (friday). it helped that office was quieter today and i could 100% focus on my work and get shit done.

im still quite stressed because there's just so much to be done and i have NO FUCKING TIME :(

im just gonna try work this weekend. i do hope it rains this weekend.

i am meeting with vale and hids this weekend so hope it'll be a good time... but its a sunday outing and that always gives me more anxiety cause have to cook in the morning. but what doesnt give me anxiety at this point am i right

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happy diluc day 🍓

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mother🤲

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| Dain asked a question in the wrong place

[sakuraxiao]

20240916

ive been reading a lot of fluffy fics, and i wonder how do people love

i feel like love is such a precious emotion but i dont know if im capable of loving people anymore. sometimes i feel like my heart is so numb or empty or just too scared to feel anything

i know i love my friends but sometimes i feel like such a cold robot that idk if im faking that love or something

and im trying to find a partner to live with, and on the dating app i just say im looking for a platonic partner bc im too scared to find anyone for love, for multiple reasons

i feel like with a platonic relationship its not as much commitment, and if i dont love them or they dont love me then its fine. its not so special so if i lose it eventually then its not as painful?

and i think a part of me feels like im not deserving of any special attention from anyone. like theres nothing good about me. and even if i did get special attention from someone, i would never be able to keep it. ive never been enough for anyone.

i hate having these negative trains of thoughts im gonna be honest. i wish i could be stronger. im so physically and mentally tired from work so trying to get emotional strength to be more positive is so exhausting. partially why i started this tumblr. i wanted somewhere i could be as negative as i needed to be without being a downer on the people i know

i also miss my friends so much. i wish i could spend more time with all of them and build deeper friendships but my work and family dont allow for that and it sucks. tbh i wish i could also plan a holiday with someone but im not good with holidays as well because of anxiety.

sometimes i think i shouldve just d**d when i was 16. it would have been so much easier. nobody from that time of my life wouldve missed me and my parents didnt even like me that much then

it sounds so pathetic to say this as a 29 year old. i just wish i could feel loved. i want to feel the warmth of someone who loves me. im so tired of feeling so cold and empty but im also such a fucking coward who's too scared to let anyone in

everytime i use a dating app, all i can think about is how i do not deserve anyone. i dont know how to change this mindset. how to you gain confidence in yourself when i keep fucking up everything. idk whens the last time i did anything right

sometimes i wonder why God even created me. there must have been a reason but i feel so fucking disgusted with myself. im such a rotten human.

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Chunkli 🐉 and Chunkli 🐉

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Chunkli 🐉 and Chunkli 🐉

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And after a while you just stop. You stop watering your plants. You stop watching netflix. You stop reading. You stop replying to your friends as fast as you used to. You stop buying yourself nice things. You stop putting an effort into how you look. You stop taking care of yourself like you used to. You stop sleeping. You stop eating healthy foods. You stop petting your dog. You stop socializing.

You stop with everything. You find yourself sitting in your room for hours on end, without doing a single thing. Days feel like years. And you think you can’t do it for much longer.

[sakuraxiao]

20240915

i am so damn tired of living, its just work 5 days, two days of chores and (not enough) rest then back to 5 days of work again.

and technically i need to work on weekends as well bc the workload is so crazy and it will never get finished unless im working outside of working hours as well.

its actually so fucking draining. i want to take time off but i feel like i'll just be stressed about work during my time off anyways so whats the point

and its not like my home life is going great. my whole family, especially my mother is pressuring me to get married but i really really dont like the idea of marriage, at least not the typical concept of it. i think i would love a platonic marriage, just having a lifelong companion that would be there for you, and you wouldnt have to live alone at least.

but i am a muslim and i would like to marry a muslim and so the chances of a "platonic" marriage is very low i feel, especially in my country where it feels like every guy would want a relationship/love/kids etc. i have been trying dating apps but none of the guys there appeal to me. I think theyre all looking for a "girlfriend/wife" which is not a role i can see myself being in.

so yeah im just going to continue being a disappointment to my mother as i always have been.

[sakuraxiao]

"Good luck with the concert~" ❤️

[sakuraxiao]

🦈🐺

[sakuraxiao]

Ghada Karmi and Ellen Siegel, in 1973, 1992 and 2011. Photos by Francis Khoo (1, 2) and Jean-Pascal Deillon (3).