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Sometime I don’t know if I’m gonna make it

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HOLY SHIT I HAVE A LESBIAN AUNT THAT I NEVER KNEW EXISTED IM NOT THE ONLY ONE

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My brother was born on September 9.

My best friend was born of September 10.

My sister was born on September 12.

I made my mom die of laughter after calling this, “a week to never forget.”

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A reverse mystery show/book/movie: Character 1 (let’s call him Josh) is shown to super-hate character 2 (let’s call him McGlaphoroy), and does the whole thing like, “I swear, I’ll kill you!” Power is suddenly cut, and when the lights turn back on McGlaphoroy is dead. Josh has like, a knife in his hand and is immediately arrested. As he’s hauled away, he desperately grasps character 3’s shoulders (let’s call her Janet) and is like, “please, you gotta believe me! I’m a good person!! You know I would do it- find out who framed me!” And Janet is like,,, Josh’s sister or wife or something so she’s like- “yeah I trust you, I vow I’ll do that, or whatever,” and maybe she’s a detective or like reads detective books or something.

So, Janet goes on a crazy adventure, and all throughout she keeps getting notifications that Josh’s trial is approaching, or is close to finishing, and it’s a rush against time, and she pieces together an eleborate conspiracy involving fraud and spurned lovers and whatnot.

BUT she brings all the evidence back RIGHT as the trial is closing (like, dramatic- “Ah! but what about THIS?!” Bursting through the doors moment) and pulls out the evidence and then- idk I have two ideas:

1. The lawyers and everyone are like, “what? Oh yeah, we totally knew that stuff. But Josh still like definitely killed McGlaphoroy.” OR

2. The people are like- “woah! This is a bunch of criminal conspiracy shenanigans! …which have absolutely nothing to do with Josh’s crimes, sorry.”

And there’s like a,,,, “ah man, it’s hopeless, the system is broken, they’re putting away an innocent man…” but Josh and Janet get a final moment together before he goes to jail AND THEN Josh is like, “okay yeah, I’m already going to jail now, so I gotta just say it- I totally killed McGlaphoroy.” And Janet is all like, “what?? But you said you didn’t?!? why would you say that???” And Josh is like, “uh,,, I was getting hauled away by the cops, of course I said it- you really believed me, lol? I literally said ‘I’ll kill you!’ Right before McGlaphoroy died, lol.” And the story ends with Janet just decking Josh.

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First day of college- reminded how stressful school is even not including actually school stuff.

Yes, talking to people *will* kill me.💀

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The more bracelets and shiny baubles you have the more attractive you are to me.

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Hey, this’ll be fun- here’s a write-up of a couple… Philosophies(?) my buddy and I came up with during the most degenerate, drug-induced years of our lives!

1. The Real

So, what do you remember from before you were born. That rhetorical- the answer is darkness. And what do you think is gonna be around after you die? You can argue, but our answer? Also darkness. So. This (maybe about sorta) 80 year gap of lights and colors and being alive is in the VAST minority out of all the time between the Big Bang and the heat death of the universe. If this were a statistical model, it would be a VERY extreme outlier, and (generally) it’s kinda taught that outliers shouldn’t be too heavily considered… *Especially* if that outlier is a single point, as opposed to a statistically-irrelevant group. So. What’s more, “really?” Gotcha- that’s rhetorical again- the answer is the darkness. So, when we die and, “go real/go to the real,” that’s a return to normalcy. You could take this either way- our time here is unique and beautiful and should be savored… *or* our time here is fleeting, irrelevant, and meaningless in even the tiniest scale. Not speaking for my buddy, but I was depressed as hell at the time, so I would’ve said the second one.

1.2 The Real (DLC)

Okay, sorry, I lied. See, you don’t *remember* anything before you were born- but if you did, you would remember there is ONE other thing in the darkness…. It’s Fortnite. Yep. Before you were born and after you die there is nothing but an endless void of darkness and a ftp battle royal game.

2. Candle Time

My buddy has decided that the world is too complicated, too messy, too busy- and he has the perfect solution. He WOULD spread his revolutionary idea… but for reasons that will soon be evident, he gave *me* the responsibility of being his prophet. So. Here it is.

What does he need? Three things- a candle, a floor towel, and a gi (specifically, he was taking about the garment worn on Stevie Wonder’s album Talking Book, but I’m not sure that’s actually called a gi but whatever go with it.)

Does he need food? No. Water? No. Where’s this gonna be? Idk man, like a concrete basement/box. Will there be windows? No. Doors? No. What else can you tell me? That’s it dude, it’s just my candle and me, kneeling on my towel, in my gi. Meditating or something. Until you die, of starvation or whatever? Yeah, I guess, maybe the candle will sustain me, I haven’t tried it out yet, dude.

And then he went on to talk about how he needed me to spread the message of his new way, because he obviously couldn’t, because no one would be in his room/box- just him and his candle and his gi. The towel is optional, and not really necessary, actually.

3. Path of the Devoted

Eh, this one came to mean a couple things. Shorter meaning is just- nicotine addiction. Getting buzzed was, “walking the path,” and your journey to… the end of the path. The second meaning is *slightly* more in-depth, but not very different. It was kind of a religious-skinned diagram (or path) of our drug… journey? Experiences? Trouble? Basically think of the structure of the Catholic Church, but instead of moving from priest to bishop to whatever to whatever it was the increased… “hardness,” I guess? Of drugs until you… “ascended.” I think it went something like- nicotine, booze, pot, tussin, Benadryl (don’t ask and don’t try, lmao) shrooms, lsd, e, coke/stimulants in general, and then stuff we didn’t get around to before getting clean. The religious icon of our movement was a disposable vape with something like, “Follow the path,” or just, “Path of the devoted,” sharpied onto it. It’s still around somewhere, actually.

Thats all I remember from the demon days- remember, always be safe and use responsibly. Kids will always be dumb, and will never be convinced to not do something, so at least make sure they know how to do stuff safely. Goodnight.

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A dark and brooding character with an eyepatch that always avoids questions, like, “you wouldn’t understand…” but then, one day, their tragic backstory is revealed to be that they got shampoo in their eye and have yet to stop avoiding having to wash it out.

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Imagine if you died and you found out it was actually the Amish that got it right.

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I fuckin try my best.

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My therapist says I’m really good a nonchalantly dropping the craziest shit she’s ever heard in the middle of me talk about something else. Am I winning therapy?

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If you call the dude Ye but deadname trans peeps you’re silly to me.

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“Fuck you god” I say as I take my medication, thus upsetting his natural order

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Got a YouTube survey ad that was like,

“Which of these brands do you know?”

- coke

- pepsi

- random thing I’ve never heard of in my life

So, for once in my life, I actually answered instead of pressing skip.

But only so I could say I’d never heard of coke or pepsi but was a HUGE fan of,,, uh,,, soda pop cola beverage?

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Retraining myself to say she’s just a goofy little gal instead of he’s just a small little guy.

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Putting stuff in the microwave and trying to complete tasks before it beeps.