saezurubirds

[saezurubirds]

[saezurubirds]

Doumeki is the first person ever to reach out his hand to Yashiro:

(Part 3)

When Doumeki first meet Yashiro he is a 36 years old man with strong anchored beliefs, that diged all his traumas deep deep inside of him, traumas that he nourished everyday for 26 years at this point. He suffers, but in silence,

he suffers, but nobody sees, cause he's really good at hiding, at faking, after all, people are actors.

Like I said before Doumeki is the first person ever to ask Y if he's okay and that on their first encounter.

For the first time in Yashiro's life someone try to help him.

And ask a question: are you okay ? Are you okay with what happening ? Do you need help ?

At this point it's not like Y could Say:

"Oh yes I'm deeply traumatised from all the abuse I lived as a kid and that never ended till now, I had to face everything alone and to endure everything, I had to hide the true me real real deep and live as a cold lustful maso cat seeking violent sex as a coping mechanism to protect myself from more external harm"

He's more like;

"Of course I'm okay dumbass... I like violent sex, I can't feel anything if it's not painfull, I always lived like this and it's fine, I don't need anyone, I'm alright as long as everyone treats me like they always did : badly, without care, like an old rag.

For Yashiro, the familiar feel safe, and the change feel overwhelming, frightning.

That how his distorted brain function .

It's in this state of mind that he come into the presence of Doumeki.

We know D always though that Y was beautyful, (he confess that to Y in chapter 1), and that the yakuza world could not be that bad if someone like Y was part of it.

But everything takes a big shift when Y help D to reconnect with his sister Aoi :

At this moment D understand that Y is more than what he just pretends to be.

Y is neither cold or cruel, he's the opposite of that, he's gentle, he's kind, he's sensible, he don't judge, he's strong, cause suffering is never a reason to pity someone, it's a reason to respect them, respect for their strenght to endure it.

Y never shows those sides of him, he try hard to burie them cause for him, they are weaknesses, and he can't take the risk to be weak again.

But it's too late, D already saw little fragmants of the real Y.

And now, he's resilied to stay by his side no matter what :

"I'll do anything, as long as I can stay beside you"

He'll do anything, but it's only a matter of time for him to no longer being able to bear the way people treat Y, and the way Y treat's himself.

D don't understand how kage dosen't notice Y like he does,

He is angry that nobody sees Y the way his eyes do it.

Haaa look at how he stare at his smile... He just want to see him happy.

(The world D use in japanese for 'beautiful' is "きれい" (kirei) that kinda mean beautiful but also clean or pure, meaning that he think Y is beautiful on the outside but also and mainly from the inside)

For him Yashiro is kind, strong and beautiful.

He keeps on by saying that he respect Yashiro.

He's attracted to Y in a way he never been before with anyone, and he sincerely care for Y.

He don't want to use him like a toy like misumi.

He don't pity him like kage.

He don't want him to be something else (a woman) like ryuzaki

(that a deeply dislike btw... And Y is so kind that he take risk to save his ass..)

He love's Y for who he trully is, and he want to protect him.

In this moment D is mad and frustrated, not because Y is having sex with another guy, but because he is being harmed by someone, again. He want's to deffend him but he feel powerless, and that hurt him a lot.

I see some people saying that D is possesive and jealous, and that he has no words to say about what Y is doing with his body, (and normaly I agree whit that) but we know Y's case is far from being normal. Y uses violent sex as a form of self harm to cope with his trauma.

All the men Y encountered always treated and abused him really really badly,

And Y let it all happen not by choice, but because he never lived something else, he been used his whole life, he never chosed anything that happened to him, he undergoes everything . everyone always treated him badly everyone neglected him; his stepdad, his mom, shcool, all the men he encountered, ryuzaki, misumi, they all abused him, and he is so deep in selfloathing that he dosen't care anymore. He's resilieted, he so damaged that his numb.

But D is not okay with that. Is that something this bad ? Is that this bad to want to protect someone you love and care for, from further harm and abuse ?

D is not just being possesive and jealous, he can't bear seeing Y being treated this way. Who could ?

If you saw someone you love and care deeply for, harming themself daily in front of you, you won't do anything ? You won't try to stop them ? You won't try to protect them from this harm ? You can't just say "oh I'm not interfering, their life their choices" when someone is consuming themself little by little in front of your eyes.

Yashiro did not chose this, he suffered, and then he made himself suffer, cause it's the only thing he knows.

No one ever tend he's hand to him, and told him that he doesn't need to treat himself this way anymore...💔

See you part 4.

(How many part I'm gonna write, bear with me lol)

[saezurubirds]

Doumeki is the first person ever that hold out his hand to Yashiro:

(Part 2)

Misumi-san

The first time Y meet with Misumi san, he beet him up.

He after literaly peek him up of the street, pay's his unpaid rent, okay, good.. oh nevermind it was just to debt him in...

Misumi san is clever and he immediately see's that Y is a perfect tool for him to use like he want's cause as he say's Y don't care about himself.

That broke me, he's still so young (around 20/21 years old at the time) and he's so hopeless but he's so kind he is ready to sacrifice for someone else well being. Because his dosen't matter after all.

(I hope kage learn that Y sacrifaced himself and joined the yakuza for his sake...)

To see him, kneel down and beg misumi like that break's me.

He is capable to invest himself for others sake's but not his.

And here again something is imposed to Y, he's not chosing to join the yakuza he is forced to, he can't do anything about it, he dosen't have another choice.

"It's not like I intended to become like this. It's just that was the only path left."

Yes Y did not chose to became the person he pretend to be today, he had no other choice, he never had the right to chose.

He abandoned himself a long time ago, he don't wait anything from anyone, like this he would never be disapointed and left miserable and vulnerable.

"Didn't you say you like me as a person"

(That shit hurt dammnnn...crying..)

And again Y realise nobody really care about him, Misumi manipulate him to join the group, he just use him like he want's, again like every men in Y's life .

To me Misumi is not different from Yashiro's step dad, He's hindering him, chaining Y to another hell he don't deserve .

(I'm gonna reuse @pouletaulait words here because I find them very pertinent).

"For Yashiro the Yakuza is a hindrance to his freedom and happiness because it’s not who he truly is as a person and as long as he stays he’s going to be under Misumi’s control and Misumi is gonna try to use him, just like his stepfather and all the other men who SAed him when he was a teenager used him.

In a way he’s still this powerless child getting used by others. He was an easy target for Misumi because Yashiro was "completely indifferent about himself" as Misumi put it.

This indifference stems from the abuse he suffered. When Yashiro got shot he remembered the SA and he says: "I have lived my life accepting it all. I’ve felt no sorrow. I’ve blamed no one. My life can’t be said to be anyone else’s fault."

This expresses exactly what Misumi saw in Yashiro: He’s so broken that he doesn't even feel anger, he is beyond caring about himself, his well-being, his future.

Putting it differently; he doesn’t love himself and he doesn’t think that he deserves love or a different, better life. This is why he doesn’t really put up a fight against this fate. He’s still passively accepting everything."

He had to endure all the abuse alone without anyone helping him understand that he didn't do anything wrong, that he didn't deserve all of this, that it was someone's fault but not his.

So horrible to see how much all of that nourished Yashiro's self loathing and fake beliefs for years.

But here comes Doumeki in Yashiro's life, percuting all his walls, stirring the water, because for the very first time in his existence someone would see beneath his mask.

See you in part 3.

[saezurubirds]

Doumeki is the first person ever that hold out his hand to Yashiro:

(Part 1)

Doumeki is the first person ever to stop yashiro's assault, in their first encounter doumeki stop's the guy that is pinning roughly Y down on a desk,

look right in his eyes and ask him a question, THE question that never been asked to him before :

"Are you okay ?"

This question that no one before cared enough to bother ask, a simple question that is so meanfull and important but never been asked to Yashiro.

No one ever cared enough about Y to just chek if he was alright, he always been abused neglected and used, he's whole life, by everyone he encounter's in he's life :

He's mom :

The little nine years old yashiro never been ask by his Mom if he was okay, we have no clue to know if she knew or not what was going on with her son, but as a mother not seeing that your own son is being raped by his stepdad is kinda off ( he literaly raped Y just behind her while she was sleeping..)

we know that play's a big part in Y's trauma and fucked up mindset, this disgusting peace of sheat that raped him violently used that to brainwash Y to think that he liked feeling pain, to convince a literal child that dosen't even understand what's going on, that if he feel pain than he would get pregnant and if his mom find out she gonna be mad and abandon him, he was so young and clueless that he didn't even understand that it's imposible, but in the mind of a child, if an adult say something than it have to be true.

How horifying and disturbing to hear that for a child ? How much those words shaped the way of thinking and logic of the current Y ? How much of an impact those fucked word disturbed his way of thinking and helped him shape his facade that he lived with for 40 years ?

This panel is one of the most hurtfull (and one of my favorite btw) in this masterpiece, its speak's without words, him watching a little kid being sheltered by her mom with an umbrela from the rain speak so loud, the pain, the lonelines is screaming.

Why not me ? Why my mom, the one person that should be protecting me from all the bad of the world, didn't care about me and the abuse I lived ? Why didn't she sheltered me ? Why didn't she protect me ? Why she never asked me if I was okay ?

So heartbreaking (just for doumeki to return to the car with an fuking umbrella...crying right now).

I'm not saying that his mom knew but I'm saying there is always clue from abuse, she negleted him to the point that she didn't even bother enough to notice or maybe even ignored them (the sighs) in purpose.

And after all of that she abandon him like a piece of a trash that Y is already convinced to be at this point, dirty, twisted beyond repair, unloveable, a livestock that no one want, like he say's himself .

A parent or carer’s belief in the child, and support and actions to stop the harm after the child’s disclosure have an impact on the child’s resilience and recovery from the sexual abuse. If a child is not believed and supported appropriately after a disclosure it can lead to a higher level of relational trauma for the child leading to significantly more negative health and mental health outcomes for the child in the long-term.

Kageyama Kanji:

Now come kageyama, yashiro's first friend and first Love, when Y met kageyama he's already deep in self destruction by seeking violent sex with violent men (mostly yakuza men that are more violent and homophobic) as a coping mecanism from what he lived from his childhood to his puberty.

(At this point Y didn't see his step dad for 3 years and he stoped the rape surely because Y body changed and growed up, disgusting pedo.. And he didn't see his mom for aroud a year)

With kageyama Y encounter for the first time physical touch without pain but he's to deep to even realize it at this point.

intersting to notice how Y did not seek out sex when he though about kage.

At this moment Y try to seek a reaction from kageyama but the only thing that he would have is :

"Okay" okay ? like WTF ! (Y look so disappointent), he's beging for attention here, he's beging for care, for confort, even if he dosen't realise it, he want's someone to care HE is incapable of doing so, at least not alone.

Kage is again An another person that did not care enough to even try to ask him a simple "are you okay ?" and after this indiference he take his distance from Y (the worst thing to do in this situation) I know kage is an akward teenager and just a random classmate but for god sake he couldn't have tried a little harder...

Again we can see how Y try so hard to seek a reaction from kage he want him to care so bad, deepdown he want someone to notice that he isn't well.

I know Kageyama feel sorry for Y and care for him in a way but never verbalize it he just tell's him that he's pitiful and pathetic because he is all alone..(something he continue to think even now) he pity him but he's not bothered enough to really reach out to him.

And that lead to again one of the most hurtfull and heartbreaking moment, Y break's down in tears cause he can't hold it anymore (the one and only time we see him cry). No one care about him, he have no home, no roots, no one to rely on, no one to trust. He is all alone, in both physical an mental distress.

So he seek a sort of "confort" in what he know's : pain, physical one, as a form of self harm but also mental pain relief, to not feel emotions up there (brain) to numb his unbearable existence.

Yashiro learned with Kageyama, by loving someone for the first time, again, the deception, the emptiness and the loneliness, of not being loved.

And the despair of this first person being a man. Those same men that raped him, abused him, used him, crushed him, breaked him. He hate's them but he finish by falling for one of them.

See you in part 2

[saezurubirds]

Yashiro hypersexuality and trauma response.

(Part 2)

(If you did not read part 1 go read it first otherwise you will feel a little lost lol)

Let's get into the heart of the subject;

Yashiro's hypersexuality:

Hypersexuality, also known as compulsive sexual behavior or sexual addiction, is a state where an individual experiences an intense preoccupation with sexual thoughts, feelings, or behaviors that may feel out of their control. It involves an excessive and uncontrollable urge for sexual gratification, often leading to detrimental consequences in various areas of life, including relationships, work, and overall well-being.

Hypersexuality after assault, commonly referred to as hypersexual trauma, represents a complex psychological response to the experience of sexual assault or trauma. Individuals who have endured sexual violence or other types of trauma may exhibit compulsive and excessive sexual behaviors as a means of coping with emotional distress.

Trauma, especially in the context of sexual abuse, can significantly impact one’s sexual desire and behavior. The biological mechanism behind this is linked to the body’s stress response. During a traumatic experience, the body releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which can affect the normal functioning of the brain’s pleasure and reward system. This alteration can lead to an increased drive to seek pleasure, including sexual gratification, as a way to cope with the emotional distress caused by the trauma

Engaging in hypersexual behavior can serve as a way to temporarily numb emotional pain and distress, allowing individuals to escape from the overwhelming feelings associated with the traumatic experience.

Certain demographics are more prone to experiencing hypersexuality as a result of trauma. These groups include:

Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often struggle with unresolved trauma and the associated emotional distress that can manifest as hypersexual behavior.

Individuals with a history of complex trauma, such as repeated or prolonged exposure to traumatic events can lead to heightened vulnerability to developing maladaptive coping mechanisms, including hypersexuality.

Those with a history of insecure attachment styles, as the lack of secure emotional bonds can contribute to difficulties in forming healthy relationships, making some individuals more susceptible to seeking emotional fulfillment through hypersexual behavior as a substitute for genuine intimacy.

Again Y check all the boxes.

Yashiro is using violent sex as a form of self harm:

Violent sex for Y is a form of self harm, coping mechanism and self deffense mechanism.

He is seeking unsafe sexual practice to calm himself down to numb he's feeling so the pain he feel physically cover's the one he feels inside.

Here a perfect example:

"Anyone will do. Just fill me up.."

Y is in distress to see he's first love with an another man (that he put together btw..something that he would be incapable to do with doumeki ) so he seek sex as a relief, to forget, again, the psychological pain.

he is harming himself cause he's resilied that this is the only thing he deserve, him, that don't deserve any love or care.

Y never really lived this room, the scars could never heal cause they were constantly reopened

Constantly, to a point were he was obligated to convince himself that it was nobody's fault, this is how Y finish by thinking and accepting that he enjoy the pain.

If he enjoy the pain he would not get pregnant, his mom would not be mad and if he accept all of this than what's happening to him is not that bad anymore, if he make it part of his identity than it's not a trauma anymore it's not that big of a deal and that how he survived.

That how he finish by building his masochist lusfull cat persona: I love sex and pain and I don't give a fuck about myself so no one can hurt me I'm not vulnerable anymore, if It's me that is seeking it now .

He convinced himself that if it's not painfull he can feel anything but we know it's not true and that just the way he built his facade, his mask he been wearing all those years to survive, Y is a really great actor and all his life he hided his true feeling away, he was so good at hiding it that he even convinced himself (not even mentioning that he may be suffering from post traumatic memory loss).

Yashiro never had a safe place, so he built a "safe place" in the unsafe,

he just tried his best to stay on the surface, just enough to not drown completly.

In the end he is still this powerless child that being abused by the world.

Thank you for reading till the end .See you soon!

[saezurubirds]

Yashiro's hypersexuality and trauma response.

(part 1)

I wanted to write my thoughts about saezuru for so long so I'm finally gathering the time and the courage to . I will try my best to be clear but sorry if it end up to be just me rubling all my thoughts lol.

I wanted to start by saying that saezuru is my favorite manga work by far because of how real and profound the trauma is depicted in it, Yoneda sensei is not just writing a story, she write true emotions that go deeper than the surface, and how trauma in the childhood can change and chape someone's life...(I could go on and on and on but i'll strop here).

This post will be focused on the psychological point of view cause I feel like it's important to be aware of this side to better understand Yashiro behaviors and way of thinking.

(That would probably be long so I will seperated it in different part/post).

Yashiro's sa from childhood trough puberty:

The experience of child sexual abuse can change the way children and young people understand their world, the people in it and where they belong. Their understanding of themselves and the world can become distorted, and create mistrust, fear, and betrayal.

(That why Y is an unreliable narrator, that mean we can't trust what he saying about himself or the things he lived.)

Depending on the relationship and duration of the sexual harm, subsequent relational trauma could affect their ability to connect with others and themselves. Their personality and behaviours might change markedly from what they were prior to the sexual abuse.

Literaly sa in childhood affect deeply and break normal brain development, knowing that the brain fully finish his development around 25 years old.

Yashiro been raped by his step father for approximately two years starting from the age of ten, the longer the duration of abuse is associated with a greater impact on the child’s identity and the use of force or threat of force are associated with greater harm.

We know that his step dad that raped him violently and repeatedly for this period of time brainwashed Yashiro to think that he liked feeling pain, telling a literal child that dosen't even understand what's going on, that if he feel pain than he would get pregnant and if his mom find out she gonna be mad and abandon him.

It's important to point out that he was so young and clueless that he didn't even understand that it's imposible, but in the mind of a child, if an adult say something than it has to be true.

The manipulative nature of grooming that many sexual offenders use to get close to their victims can cause ongoing thought distortions, self-identity issues, relational harm and isolation of the child.

How horifying and disturbing to hear that for a child ? How much those words shaped the way of thinking and logic of the current Y ? How much of an impact those fucked words disturbed his way of thinking and helped him shape his facade that he lived with for 40 years ?

It's also importent to point out that Y been raped constantly trough puberty, when little child are raped there bodys dosen't react and the only things that they can feel is pain and distress ( things that Y felt at first), but when the body start to change trough puberty the body start to react on his own . A lot of rape victim that had an orgasm during their assault blame themself and feel guilty thinking like " I enjoyed it so I wanted it in a way". Stimuling a grown up person's genital conduct to orgasm, even if it's non consented, it's a mecanical response from the body that never mean that your enjoying or wanting what's hapening(no one was here to explain this to our poor Y).

Now imagine going trough violent and painfull rape while your body is changing and transforming, before you felt pain but now you feel pain but also a kind of "pleasure", imagine how disturbing and confusing it would be in the brain of a young teenager, without mentioning the very plausible conditioning forced by his step dad presumed words "you see you like it" the very famous "but your body says otherwise" that ensure Y in this fucked up way of thinking.

All of this play a huge place to how Y finish by thinking (in his brain that stopped functioning properly) that he enjoy the pain. If he enjoy the pain he would not get pregnant, his mom would not be mad and if he accept the pain than what's happening to him is not that bad anymore, if he make it part of his identity than it's not a trauma anymore it's not that big of a deal and that how he survived.

Yashiro spiraling in self destruction:

Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse may experience sexual disturbance or dysfunction, depression and anxiety. Anxiety, fear and suicidal ideas and behaviour are more likely in instances where the perpetrator used force and threat of force. The age of onset of the abuse, duration and outcome is characteristic of higher trauma symptom levels. The longer the duration of abuse is associated with a greater impact on the child’s identity, and increased survival mechanisms and the use of force or threat of force are associated with greater harm.

Let's list some potential long-term effects of child sexual abuse:

Suicidal ideation: Y ✔ (Y is a passive suicidal he's not attached to death like he's not attached to life)

Post-traumatic stress: Y ✔

Sexual difficulties: Y ✔

Alcohol and substance misuse: Y ✔(cigarette for Y)

Inability to form healthy lasting relationships: Y ✔(this one is very important)

The development of violent behaviour: Y ✔

The development of criminal behaviour: Y ✔

Around the time where Y meet kage he did not see his step dad for 3 years and his mom for 1 (he around 15 at the time) he is already depressed and fucked up, his all alone and his suffering severe self identity issues, spiraling in self loathing and self destruction by seeking very violent sex as a way to cope with the trauma that never been adressed.

I'll cut here cause it's getting to long see you in part 2.

[saezurubirds]

if you feel like sharing them, what are your thoughts on the current state of things between doumeki and yashiro?

Hi, I don’t mind sharing at all, only… I have felt a little disconnected from some comments on Yashiro when the last chapter was released and I wasn’t in the mood to write about it that much after that. From my own point of view, considering the actual amount of time Yashiro and Doumeki spent together after four years apart, things have been moving almost too quickly in between the various encounters that at first they needed to justify as “work related” and now with this new arrangement. They are keeping themselves hidden, they don’t want to show vulnerabilities to each other and they are creating a climate of half truths and deception and caution that is unnerving to say the least. And they are suffering because of that. The control also has shifted quite considerably lately and Doumeki has more power than he realizes and his actions consequences he isn’t able to foresee. But if I am being honest, I might be frustrated by the situation, but at the same time I understand it by a storytelling standpoint and from the characters’ perspectives: who they are, in what sets of circumstances they find themselves in. I appreciate the realism and coherence of their behavior. It would frustrate me much much more if they were to sit down and discuss their feelings, or if the author was spoon feeding the readers with some sappy solutions, kiss and go to the pride parade. I would taste the added sugar or edulcorates in my drink and spit it out immediately. I don’t really read this story to see a “happy ending” (both types), I read because it describes what trauma does to people in a manner that makes sense to me and doesn’t hide how hard it is to trust and connect meaningfully with people even when there is attraction or affection or loyalty. Personally, I am willing to read between the lines, and I see how they are repeating their words to each others back and forth to probe and see which one will take a step forward and admit that what they are doing isn’t exactly what they really want things to be. The story doesn’t work if the readers take the characters and whatever they say at face value, without looking deeper, behind the surface.

They aren’t honest because they’re afraid and if anything else I would expect fear. From Yashiro is the deepest emotion he has been carrying within himself and it’s so deeply tied to the feelings of love and loss, that is painful to see. For Doumeki is the fear of being rejected and discarded and left adrift again. I think that building instead an external situation making them confront the lies they have been feeding each other is good writing. I am not in a rush, because most of all I want the story to be believable and I don’t necessarily need comfort or fast closure or anything like that. I want these characters to be flawed because they went through hurtful things and live in a bad environment and they aren’t supposed to act like any idealistic version of themselves in my opinion. This is the story I like to read, and I think the pacing has been very good.

I have always felt a personal connection to Yashiro and I am treating him and his flavor of pain like I would have liked to be treated myself, with compassion, and this is why this story has been cathartic for me. I am willing to see what will happen but I don’t wish for things being forced upon Yashiro beyond what it is the necessary critical point that brings the willingness to change direction or unmask oneself on one’s own terms. The situation is extremely delicate right now. I didn’t expect that much attention to Yashiro’s own homophobia either, going into this story, but maybe I should have, Saezuru is always raising the bar. I think it’s amazing, to be honest, that this story is showing some specific aspects of Yashiro’s childhood trauma, as a person who never found an answer for myself: how much what happened to you as a child, without you having any choice, really changed the course of your life, derailed it to such an extent that you can’t even be sure about who you are, who you were and what the other version of yourself, the one nothing too bad happened to could have become, now a ghost haunting you. Are we maybe likely to built up a version of normality and innocence that adheres to common social norms and expectations, including heteronormativity, and if so is this why we feel like we are never going to measure up? Falling in love hurts when you don’t know how to trust yourself or the other person, when nothing feels like it has any foundation or security. So I empathized with Yashiro and I felt that last page with the rain, especially since Doumeki seems like another person (I don’t think we should buy into either of these characters’ deceptions tho). It feels like these two are standing in each other’s blind spot so successfully at the moment.

[saezurubirds]

Doumeki and Control

One of the things I have noticed in Saezuru is Doumeki's complicated relationship with control. Control is a double edge sword for Doumeki.

On the one hand, control is like a lifeline for Doumeki, and we see firsthand what happens when he loses complete control. The first time we see Doumeki lose complete control was when he beat up his rapist father almost to death. Although he did that to save Aoi, in the eyes of the law, he still committed a crime and needed to go to jail. With that, he lost his identity as a cop and became impotent as a response to the trauma. He uses his impotency as a way to control himself. The second time Doumeki loses complete control was when he had sex with Yashiro. Despite trying to keep his distance and control, Doumeki gives in to his sexual desire for Yashiro several times. It culminates to them having sex, which resulted in Yashiro pushing Doumeki out of his life. After the time skip, Doumeki admits to restraining his feelings so that Yashiro won't run away. Control keeps Doumeki from crossing a certain line again.

On the other hand, his need for control also brings out his possessive side for the person he loves. This is mostly directed at Yashiro, and we see how it affects Yashiro's mental health in recent chapters. We know that Doumeki doesn't have too much experience being in a relationship, and that Yashiro is the first person he ever loved this deeply. Seeing Yashiro being self destructive brought out this need to control Yashiro's actions. As his feelings grew to love, it morphed into possessing all of Yashiro. Will Doumeki see that his possessiveness is hurting Yashiro and be ready to let him go? Can he change?

[saezurubirds]

Well, in the wake of chapter 58 of "Saezuru", I see the usual blame game going around the fandom, some people saying the current situation is Yashiro's fault, or it's Doumeki's fault.

The thing is, this situation isn't either of their faults, as in, neither of them is fully to blame, and neither of them is completely without responsibility either. The real issue going on here is trauma and the ways in which their respective traumas are interfering with their ability to move forward.

Part of the problem with leveling blame, or most of the blame, onto a single party, is that it supposes either Yashiro or Doumeki is acting out of malicious intent, wanting to hurt the other, when that's clearly not the case for either of them, and I think a lot of the defensiveness we see in this fandom comes from either the outright insinuation made by some of malicious intent (I think you see this most with people criticizing Yashiro, accusing him of purposefully wanting to cause Doumeki harm from 4 years previous, when that couldn't be further from the truth), and then from others assuming that's what's meant by anyone who criticizes or questions either Yashiro's or Doumeki's actions.

I get particularly defensive about Yashiro because I feel like there's an awful trend in this fandom of dismissing his trauma and simply trying to put his treatment and initial rejection of Doumeki down to malice. I hate this, because it fundamentally misses the entire core of who Yashiro's character is, and ignores the fact that he pushed Doumeki away as much to protect him as to protect himself, both of which were legitimate reasons. Yashiro is the opposite of a malicious person. He's actually the most selfless and kind character in all of Saezuru, he just does a really good job of hiding it beneath a mask of apathy and indifference. But actions always speak louder than words.

On the other side of the spectrum, we have Doumeki, and any attempts to question or criticize Doumeki's actions with Yashiro is often interpreted as one making accusations of deliberate cruelty or unkindness on Doumeki's part toward Yashiro, rather than as just a questioning of the effectiveness of Doumeki's actions, or what exactly the goal is behind those actions. I think it's clear to anyone who's read this story that Doumeki isn't and never has wanted to hurt Yashiro. He obviously has a deep desire to protect him and shield him from further harm. At the same time, Doumeki definitely has a possessive streak when it comes to Yashiro specifically, and his desire to almost force Yashiro to accept him as his only love interest or sexual partner is, I think, part of what the issue between them is. He can't let go of his fear of Yashiro running away, in part, because he can't let go of his desire to stake his claim on Yashiro as only his.

Obviously, Yashiro's own issues with accepting love and seeing himself as worthy of love are also a major contributing factor to their current predicament, because he's unable to see Doumeki's perceived indifference toward him as anything other than proof of his own unlovability.

It also doesn't help that we haven't gotten a chapter from Doumeki's perspective in a long time, and it seems like we may never get another chapter from his perspective if Yoneda actually sticks to her previous statement regarding that. Right now, all anyone can do is speculate as to Doumeki's actual intentions with continuing on in his charade. Is he doing it to protect himself and his own feelings? Is he doing it because he wants to keep Yashiro from running away? The latter seems more likely to me because we seemed to get Doumeki's internal thoughts, specifically regarding this, last chapter, when who I assume was Doumeki said he was hiding his true feelings to keep (this person, i,.e. Yashiro) from running away again.

Part of my issue with Doumeki's current tactic is that it only serves to reinforce this idea in Yashiro's head that he's unlovable. I see plenty of people saying that until Yashiro can learn to love himself, or forgive himself, then he won't be able to accept Doumeki's love, and therefore, it doesn't matter if Doumeki drops the act and tells Yashiro right now that he loves him, because Yashiro isn't "ready" to accept that love.

But what exactly is the alternative?

How exactly is Yashiro meant to "learn to love" himself or "forgive" himself, when every time he sees Doumeki now, he's again and again faced with the affirmation of his own, negative beliefs about himself through Doumeki's seeming indifference toward him?

Again, I'm not blaming Doumeki. From his perspective, he probably feels he has no other choice but to act this way and treat Yashiro coldly, because he thinks if he treats Yashiro gently, Yashiro will just react in the same, traumatized manner he did last time they had gentle sex (and again, this is my issue with people blaming Yashiro and acting as if this whole situation is his fault for rejecting Doumeki to begin with. As if Yashiro chose to be traumatized). Doumeki has no way of knowing that Yashiro now wants to be treated kindly, or that Yashiro will be able to receive that kind of love now (which also isn't a guarantee). The only real clue Doumeki might have had toward that end was him finding out about Yashiro's impotence with anyone outside of himself. And maybe that's his goal, in behaving the way he is. Maybe he's hoping to force Yashiro into some sort of self-realization, or force him into treating himself better, and in doing so, force Yashiro to admit to Doumeki what he really wants.

That's been the speculation for a long, long time now.

But... the problem is, it's just not working.

We see Yashiro spiraling into a deeper and deeper despair with each, passing chapter. Like I said, it's fine to say that Yashiro needs to learn to love himself before he can receive or give love (a sentiment I don't even agree with, but that's another point for another day), but I can't see how Doumeki's current treatment of Yashiro is going to lead to him learning to love himself at all. All I see it doing right now is reinforcing all of Yashiro's worst, most negative beliefs about himself, and making the situation between him and Doumeki ever more confused and dangerous.

Again, this isn't me blaming Doumeki (I swear to god, some Doumeki fans are way too sensitive). This is just me pointing out the obviousness of Yashiro's depressed state of mind, and the apparent lack of success in Doumeki's methods to change it for the better (if indeed that's even what Doumeki is attempting to do). Again, we just don't know what Doumeki's actual intentions are. All we can see right now is the results of his actions. And to me, those results don't look good.

Maybe I'm wrong and Yashiro will become so disgusted with Doumeki's treatment of him that he'll snap and demand that Doumeki stop treating him like some sort of casual lay that he has no feelings for. But right now, I don't see Doumeki's treatment of Yashiro engendering any sorts of feelings of self-worth or a desire in Yashiro to stand up for himself.

He's spent almost 40 years of his life being abused and mistreated by others. I have a hard time envisioning him suddenly developing enough self-esteem to finally say "enough is enough" to the man he's tragically in love with.

[saezurubirds]

Thank you for putting together this timeline. It's easy to forget the passage of time in the story due to how long this arc has been going on in the real world.

I want to make a post about the timeline because I think the real life wait we have in between chapters can influence what we think of their actions. It really hasn’t been that long since they reunited. This is a timeline only focused on Yashiro and Doumeki.

Day 1: (ch 42)they reunite and Yashiro seems upset with Doumeki for being in the yakuza. Yashiro and Nanahara get invited back to Tsunakawa’s place where they are slighlty interrogated and get invited to stay the night. Tsunakawa is the one who brings up change asking Yashiro if people change or if people can change. (Ch 43) Yashiro is taking a bath while Doumeki stands “guard” and they have an almost wistful convo. It then gets ruined by Inami and they exchange regretful, petty words from both sides. Doumeki tells Yashiro if he hasn’t changed, can he do it with Doumeki? (Ch 44) Yashiro is rightfully offended and they get heated which ultimately ends with Doumeki grabbing Yashiro and holding him by the waist and hair doing an almost kiss.

After being interrupted, they part ways. Yashiro then tries to masturbate while thinking of Doumeki.

Day 2: (ch 44) Doumeki also spends the night at Tsunakawa’s house. Yashiro and Doumeki reunite in the morning and Doumeki apologizes for Kamiya’s behavior. Yashiro thought he was apologizing for what he did the night prior but Doumeki claims he had nothing to apologize for. (Ch 45) the stakeout for Kido happens. Nanahara and Yashiro have a discussion about how Doumeki ended up with sakura. Nanahara says Doumeki is not fit to be a yakuza and asks Yashiro if that is why he got rid of him to which Yashiro then asks what kind of person is fit to be a yakuza. Nanahara then asks Yashiro about having his own group and tells Yashiro he has decided to follow him. Yashiro tells him to get married and have a kid but their convo gets interrupted by Kamiya letting them know both he and Doumeki can hear them. They capture Kido and interrogate him. Doumeki offers to drive Yashiro home. Yashiro tells him he didn’t have to offer to which Doumeki retorts that he didn’t have to accept. Doumeki uses this opportunity to warn Yashiro of the danger but Yashiro seems to have expected more. They have this convo:

Doumeki catches up with Yashiro and asks him what he wants. Yashiro replies he doesn’t want anything. Yashiro is upset because he thinks he is the only one… and Inami interrupts. Yashiro tries to run to Inami and Doumeki drags him away. It really speaks on how self destructive Yashiro can be that when he feels Doumeki is distant or rejecting him, he runs to a man that raped him. Inami is the only other man, besides his stepfather, who he acknowledges that about. It is kind of important to remember when we see Yashiro pursue sex with others. (Ch 46) Doumeki drags Yashiro inside and Yashiro keeps rejecting Doumeki. Yashiro struggles with his keys which is the first indication something is wrong with him to Doumeki. Doumeki tries to initiate a sexual encounter which Yashiro is resisting to. Doumeki tells Yashiro the fact that he hasn’t changed irritates him. Yashiro has his first orgasm in 4 years and Doumeki continues to finger him. This moment was dub con and Yashiro seemed resigned Doumeki was going to have sex with him. It was a low point for Doumeki in my opinion. Doumeki gives him an ultimatum: no sex with others while being involved in the investigation. Yashiro goes to meet with Inami while Doumeki goes to meet with Izumi. Doumeki catches Yashiro after his meet up with Inami. Yashiro tells him he doesn’t consent to Doumeki’s ultimatum. Doumeki physically drags him to meet Muraji who tells him he needs a bodyguard. After what Yashiro told him, Doumeki volunteers Kamiya. He then meets up with Kamiya and Yashiro to give Kamiya a gun. He asks Yashiro about what he knew and tells him he is no match for Yashiro resulting in this reaction:

Yashiro asks him why he volunteered Kamiya and Doumeki tells him he has Inami. Yashiro tries to tell him something about Inami but stops. (Ch 49) Yashiro waits for Doumeki to go up to his apartment. Yashiro laughs at Doumeki and tells him he hasn’t changed in that aspect. Doumeki also tells Yashiro he hasn’t changed. Doumeki carries Yashiro to bed. (Ch 50) Doumeki assumes Yashiro picked him for sex and proceeds to funger Yashiro. Another dub con encounter.

Day 4: Nanahara catches Doumeki at Yashiro’s apartment. They involve themselves with where Doumeki is going. They meet up with Kamiya at Izumi’s club. Yashiro is jealous from the start since she calls Doumeki by his name. Nanahara tells Yashiro that Doumeki might be dating her. Kamiya and Doumeki discuss Doumeki’s gentle treatment of Izumi which upsets Yashiro to the point where he excuses himself and goes to look for Kido. Doumeki catches Yashiro giving Kido a blowjob. Doumeki asks him if he would be happy if he violated Yashiro. (Ch 51) Doumeki drags Yashiro to his apartment. It seems like this will be another dub con encounter but Yashiro starts to touch Doumeki back when Doumeki starts being more gentle. He discovers Doumeki’s tattoo which enrages him and he proceeds to beat Doumeki. Doumeki takes the hits and eventually stops him. He kisses him and Yashiro reciprocates passionately. (Ch 52) they have consensual sex but Yashiro wanted it more gentle and Doumeki is still angry. Yashiro passes out and wakes up to Doumeki in the shower. Yashiro is upset that Doumeki was rough and thinks that Doumeki is more gentle to women. They go to meet with Nanahara. I don’t think this is the next day since Nanahara is trying to track down Yashiro after he disappeared. (Ch 53) Doumeki watches Yashiro sleep and thinks of Muraji’s warning. He answer Yashiro’s cell and asks Nanahara if something is wrong with Yashiro. Nanahara tells him to stay in his place. Yashiro’s hair is down and Doumeki tells him not to let others see him in that way. They stakeout the building and Doumeki tries to go in by himself. Yashiro calls Inami who tells him they need to meet for the info which is disrupted by Doumeki. Doumeki makes plans to meet with Inami.

Night 4 into day 5:(Ch 55) Doumeki goes to tell Yashiro that he is out of the investigation. Yashiro comments it is the middle of the night. He seemingly leaves after breaking the news. (Ch 56) he confronts Yashiro about his impotency. Yashiro confesses in a round about way. They start getting passionate. (Ch 57) they have sex. Yashiro has a strong reaction when Doumeki causes him to flashback to volume 5. Doumeki lets him know he’ll be back and Yashiro asks “for sex?”

Day 6 to about day 19: they have just been meeting for sex. This is an approximate day range since it was mention they had been doing this for 2 weeks.

[saezurubirds]

Great analysis. I also think Yashiro will get out of the Yakuza. The only thing is will Doumeki be able to get out? We'll have to wait and see.

"Do you even intend to quit – not really" 🧐

After reading Chapter 58 I thought about this exchange between Yashiro and Kage for a bit:

At first sight this might suggest that Yashiro actually considers staying in the Yakuza. I think based on what we know and how this statement is framed though, I come to the conclusion that this suggests the exact opposite in fact; Yashiro’s reluctance to stay in the Yakuza shines through yet again.

Granted, in the above scene Yashiro does in fact say that he doesn’t really want to quit BUT what he said before that stood out to me. Confronted by Kage about how he’s still affiliated with the Yakuza he first diverts his question by saying „don’t say things as if you’re an ordinary person“; I think this points out that Yashiro doesn’t like to think of himself as that different from Kage (or „civilian“ people in general, probably), he’s sorta putting the two of them onto the same level… outwardly he appears to lower Kage’s „status“ as a law-abiding citizen to his own, but, objectively speaking they both know that Kage is not in fact a shady person (at least from what I can tell, after all, he doesn’t appear to be affiliated with any „shady“ people apart from Yashiro and Kage always complains about Yashiro dragging him into these affairs). So, what this ends up doing is lifting Yashiro’s status up (I hope I’m phrasing this in a way that makes sense). Anyway, I think what this conveys is that Yashiro still looks down on Yakuza members (he’s definitely not proud of being one) and that he’s still not fully comfortable with people viewing him as a member or even acknowledging his Yakuza-status himself. He then goes on to say that it’s not easy to leave. Now, this could suggest a) that it has been on his mind (which we already know to be true) and b) that he feels the need to justify the fact that he’s still affiliated with them. Only when Kage questions him again Yashiro finally says that he doesn’t REALLY want to leave. His way of phrasing it doesn’t sound super convincing and he probably says that to get Kageyama off his case and also because, if he is honest with himself, he still can’t see himself actually taking that step after all. I know I might be reading too much into this but it stood out to me that Yashiro didn’t just throw Kage a snarky comment like „why the hell wouldn’t I still be a member?“, in the same vein as his first comment „what kind of upstanding guy runs a shady illegal casino?“ Instead he is somewhat opening up to Kage in his own way.

Anyway, this conversation is yet another puzzle piece that plays into the theory I’ve had from the beginning, that Yashiro will leave the Yakuza eventually. From all we know so far, Yashiro has never really come to terms with being a Yakuza and has generally a very negative opinion of them. The topic of Yashiro struggling to accept this role and the re-occurring questioning of what makes a Yakuza, who’s a good Yakuza, who’s not fit to be one, etc. strongly suggests to me that this is an integral part of this story as a whole and is most probably gonna be relevant to the conclusion of the story. It’s made clear that Yashiro never wanted to be Yakuza in the first place and he’s still reluctant, like… some 20 long years later 😯. I don't want to include too many quotes here because there are far too many instances that could be mentioned and this post is already getting too loooong, as you'll see 🫣, but there are some I'd like to mention. First I'd like to point to one quote from Yashiro that leads me to believe that to him being a Yakuza is not in fact his real identity but rather a role he is playing. He says to Ryuuzaki in Chapter 5:

He sees himself more as an actor rather than a real Yakuza and interestingly enough, that’s what he had aspired to become as a teenager: (aspire might be too strong of a word here but I think in a way he really did):

Now, I know that I'm arguing that Yashiro is talking about himself here ,even though, he's not just referring to himself in his comment to Ryuuzaki but the fact that he talks about Yakuza being just like actors in general and then further generalizing his statement to „people spend their lives acting“ still plays nicely into Yashiro's perception of his own life which will become relevant in a bit *bear with me*; it suggests that he thinks that people are not really free to be themselves because they have to play their role which emphasizes his passive approach to life in general „I have lived my life accepting it all“ (I reference this quote further down).

Every time Misumi tries to drag him in deeper, Yashiro is acting completely reluctant. We first saw this in the very beginning of the story when Misumi and Yashiro talk about the succession and Misumi says to Yashiro „be mine once more“ (Yashiro doesn’t want to give him an answer), when we learn through Hirata’s secret recordings about the details of another conversation between Misumi and Yashiro in Chapter 14 (Yashiro still doesn’t give a straight answer) and we see it again in Chapter 36 when Misumi basically says to Yashiro „don’t forget what you are“ after the time-skip (Yashiro distracts Misumi from the conversation by provoking him). He doesn't agree to anything but he never outright refuses either (he's completely passive).

His reluctance is further demonstrated by the fact that after the time-skip Yashiro’s not really a full member anymore. He used what happened after Hirata’s attack on him to the best of his abilities in a way to distance himself from the group but he couldn’t take the last step. But this clearly points to Yashiro wanting to get out for good.

I think it’s noteworthy that the only time he completely rejects the idea of quitting (as far as I remember), is in Chapter 27 when he speaks to Ryuuzaki in the back of the police car:

This stands out to me because he says this after he’d made up his mind that he was gonna die. So why keep fighting it at this point? (I’m so glad our cute boy is not in such a dark place anymore 😭)

Yashiro has also tried to keep Doumeki out of this world because he cares so much about him. Unfortunately, he wasn’t successful but the statement Yashiro made about the Yakuza in Chapter 22 becomes relevant again, now that Doumeki got a back tattoo (which as we all know made Yashiro furious beyond belief). Yashiro said something along the lines of „do you have any idea how many upright citizens walk around out there with full body tattoos? And how many Yakuza wear normal business suits?“( I hope this translation is somewhat accurate . I had to take it from the official German translation which is not the most exact at times but the only English translation I could find, didn’t seem to be correct 😅) Basically he’s saying, it’s never too late to quit. This was some unfortunate foreshadowing if you ask me but it gives me hope that Doumeki’s status as a full-fledged member and him getting a tattoo won’t prevent them from leaving the Yakuza world behind.

I just cannot imagine Yoneda-sensei making this aspect such an integral part of Yashiro’s character and bringing this topic up again and again if it isn’t gonna be relevant in the end… I know it might be a red herring but I really doubt it at this point. I read the manga as a story of a traumatized survivor of SA finding happiness in life (yes, I’m very hopeful that both Doumeki and Yashiro are gonna make it out alive because anything else would be too cruel🫣). For Yashiro the Yakuza is a hindrance to his freedom and happiness because it’s not who he truly is as a person and as long as he stays he’s going to be under Misumi’s control and Misumi is gonna try to use him, just like his stepfather and all the other men who SAed him when he was a teenager used him. In a way he’s still this powerless child getting used by others. He was an easy target for Misumi because Yashiro was „completely indifferent about himself“ as Misumi put it. This indifference stems from the abuse he suffered. When Yashiro got shot he remembered the SA and he says: „I have lived my life accepting it all. I’ve felt no sorrow. I’ve blamed no one. My life can’t be said to be anyone else’s fault.“ This expresses exactly what Misumi saw in Yashiro: He’s so broken that he doesn't even feel anger, he is beyond caring about himself, his well-being, his future. Putting it differently; he doesn’t love himself and he doesn’t think that he deserves love or a different, better life. This is why he doesn’t really put up a fight against this fate. He’s still passively accepting everything.

To sum this up, it’s mainly his trauma that prevents him from quitting, just like it keeps him from being able to accept Doumeki’s love. Since I believe this story is about Yashiro overcoming his trauma and finding happiness, I think it would only be fitting that once he’ll be able to accept that he is deserving of love, hope and happiness, he’d finally find the courage to take control of his own fate and break away from the path that he felt forced to follow.

And yes, I'm aware that quitting won't be that easy because of Misumi's obsession over Yashiro BUT even though I don't like Misumi too much and I think he's a creep, he's in his own way quite lenient when it comes to Yashiro, I have to give him that. So, I have high hopes that he actually meant what he said about "caring about Yashiro as a person" and will let him leave without too much trouble.

Of course we don’t know much about Doumeki’s plans for his future but if Yashiro and him end up together (which is what I’m hoping for) he’ll most likely go along with Yashiro’s wishes, I guess 😉 And I know, sweet Nanahara would be disappointed but I bet Yashiro and Doumeki would still find a way to adopt their big baby boy into their little family 😜

maybe they’re gonna open up a beach bar in Hawai’i and Nanahara would flirt with the guests and give away all the drinks for free 🤣

On a more serious note, I hope I didn’t get any of the quotes completely wrong. Nuances tend to get lost in translation so it’s kinda "risky" to base a theory like this solely on translations but most of it comes down to my personal interpretation of the story anyways. And I’m sorry if most of this seemed too obvious but I got the impression that I seem to feel more strongly about the fact that Yashiro might gonna leave his days as a Yakuza behind than others in the fandom and I felt the need to present my case 😉

If you actually made it through my ramblings to down here, you deserve some 🍪🍪🍪 😘

[saezurubirds]

Everything that was said above. Yashiro needs to work on himself, or else he can never move forward.

What is eating Yashiro?

After reading some comments about Yashiro and Doumeki's current relationship in Chapter 58 (sexbuddies if you will) I started wondering about what it is exactly that's hurting Yashiro so much in this situation. That Y thinks D has no feelings for him and only uses him for sex? While I believe that to be an element of his misery, I think if that was the only reason for his suffering, we'd make the assumption that a confession from Doumeki would magically resolve Yashiro's pain and I highly doubt that's the case because I think Y is not ready to accept D's feelings yet.

Yashiro is a very perceptive Person which is demonstrated throughout the series but oddly enough he's completely blind to the feelings of others towards himself e.g. Ryuuzaki's love for Y (which seemed painfully obvious to Doumeki). Imho this comes down to him not being able to accept these feelings, which is why he keeps explaining them away. Now, when it comes to Doumeki's behaviour after the time skip, there have been several instances that gave his feelings away (D getting furious over Y trying to have sex with Kido... Yashiro even confronted D with the fact that it doesn't make any sense for him to get so angry because of it; D's smile after Y showing an interest in his life; D's passionate kiss when Y answered "suki dayo") Normally Yashiro would be able to tell what all of this means but he is still feigning ignorance to himself which to me shows that he is not ready to accept love from others just yet and therefore I believe that a direct confession from Doumeki couldn't resolve anything to begin with.

I think what pains Yashiro most at the moment is his realization that he can't change even though he wants to. I believe he's now come to terms with his feelings for Doumeki but he feels unable to act on them and this is an issue which is completely seperate from Doumeki or his actions. I think that's why in the end of Chapter 57 he's not feeling upset because Doumeki is leaving him or because D might have a woman or anything related to D at all really, he's upset because of his supposed inability to change:

So, I believe part of why Yashiro is avoiding any honest conversation with Doumeki is because he doesn't actually want to hear whether Doumeki still has feelings for him or not. He's well aware that he couldn't accept Doumeki's feelings because he has his trauma to deal with before he could ever dream of being in a happy relationship with Doumeki... and as of right now he feels completely powerless and lost because he doesn't know how to overcome his trauma.

[saezurubirds]

You are the light...

I am the shadow.

[saezurubirds]

This will be a rant, so be warned. I feel that readers viewed Doumeki's decision to stay in the Yakuza after he was thrown out was only to stay close to Yashiro, which I do agree is a part of it. However, I believe there is more to it than just being close to Yashiro. We tend to forget that Doumeki is an ex-convict and that he is an outsider in society. There are not a lot of jobs available for him and he will forever be labeled an ex-con. According to an article by Japan Times, former prisoners face high barriers while trying to re-integrate themselves back into society and 50% find themselves back in jail within five years.

Let's also not forget that he cut off part of his pinky, which is one of the signs that he was involved with the Yakuza. It's no wonder that Doumeki would want to stay in the Yakuza, where his skills can be of use and where no one cares of his status as "ex-convict".

[saezurubirds]

Yashiro, Doumeki and the art of shooting your shot.

Over the past couple of chapters I think it's been well established that Yashiro is drowning in his feelings for Doumeki and because everything has been from Yashiro's perspective, it's easy to become wrapped up in his despair. Except for the fact that Yashiro is sort of in a prison of his own making at the moment.

Let's remind ourselves of what happened the last time Doumeki confessed his feelings...

Yeah.. I've joked before how Doumeki got over being shot, but not Yashiro sleeping with other men. But I do think that it's what stops him admitting anymore. He's playing by Yashiro's rules. At first I thought it was a game and Doumeki had just got a bit crafty with age, but he's carried the bit on for too long for it to be that.

Playing by Yashiro's rules is safe and it gives Doumeki access to Yashiro in a way he's always craved but never had in the past. Yashiro's sad by the lack of confession, but Doumeki is stuck in a situationship.

And yet, Doumekis sex scenes are so self indulgent from his point of view, in terms of being able to touch Yashiro (I always think there's like an element of body worship going on too). Yes he leaves, but when he's there, he's making hay. Although I did clock the scene by the table... after the last scene on the floor where he stopped to carry Yashiro to a bed, I guess the boy is too busy working all that overtime to care about the importance of beds anymore.

I think Doumeki will continue to come to Yashiro. I mean he's clearly very committed to the idea. But now it's Yashiro's turn to shoot his shot. This difference is, with Doumeki I think it will land.

[saezurubirds]

someone smarter than me should write some meta about reading doumeki as autistic. i feel like there's more than enough material in the story and the way fandom perceives him plays into it too, but i'm out of my depth for a substantial analysis

[saezurubirds]

nothing but saezuru on my mind