sadturtleey

[sadturtleey]

am i ever not allowed to miss you yak

[sadturtleey]

my office is located right to a family cemetary, it’s tricky for me everytime there is a funeral because if not careful im gonna having a breakdown and a trip to memory lane

when my dad dead, i remember i did not crying out loud, in fact i was consoling a friend who was the one crying

i shed a few tears because it would be strange if i didn’t

and then i went back to my work, other city, and that’s when it hit me

i screamed i cried i cursed i hit myself until i fall asleep, then i woke and started crying again

worst, worst time of my life..

[sadturtleey]

about grieving

something something about delayed grief, this sad thing is precious for me as a reminder of how I have loved someone as a reminder of how I have wronged someone as an act of love for him to get to be in my head in my heart all the time, not ever once to be forgotten as an act of punishment for me for all the things I have done and all the things I have not yet done for him I, since that day, had running from it, tiring myself from it to punish myself, to spare him. both. ruin myself willingly for the sake of it smoke my lungs out hurt myself, in the name of "I love him" and in the name of "this is all I could do" I don't know, still don't know what to do with all feelings I have left for him heck, I don't even know is this good or bad until then, yak I am sorry for everything...

[sadturtleey]

About life, I've been thinking about mine for as long as I can remember. What is my purpose. What is my goal. What do I want to achieve. Is building a family of my own is what I want? Is having a kid Is what I want? Is following everyone's clock is what I want?

Nowadays, it keep going more and more circling in my mind because of my age. Some people said I already late to join first batch of marriage time, which is around 23-25. I'd like to believe that me will never joining the ship of normalcy but I know I actually am. I actually care about what people think of me. Not to the point that I would do something that I don't want to but it still bugs me.

My dad died this year. I know I will never recover of the loss. I love him more than my life. And the thought of making a family without him in the picture is so scary for me. I don't want that. My mom, despite having my brother and sister, I know she only has me for her life. and for that, I know having two things will be too much for me so I already accepted that responsibility since long ago. My sister, I know she will marry someone and I need to make sure to find a good person for her. And if it turns out badly, she will still has me. My dad will love it. He knew my sister will always has me. That's why he left so soon. He knew I am now able to cover everything. My brother, I hope his family will always be good. I hope whenever I mess up, he can cover for my mom and my sister. I have done everything I could to make sure my parents can bragging about me. But having a good partner, a fit-to-be-the-next-one-to-brag is too much for me, I can't do that. Bismillah I choose this path. I accept that marriage is not for me. No one will ever be the right one for me and my life. Too much people will never bring any good. And I'm done for struggling. I'm done for fighting, barely living, constantly blaming everything. I'm done for trying too hard. I want to be able to breath easier, slower ...and much slower.

[sadturtleey]

WRAPPED IS HERE

[sadturtleey]

I really wish that there is one RIGHTFUL judge in our life who speak to us what is right and what is wrong after EVERYTHING we do. Like, when I do something, i WANT a voice speak to me and said "yes you did right" or "oh that was wrong" aftermath so I KNOW the fault is on me and wouldn't victimize and blaming on others, OR I would be happy of validation that I DID something right after all. it would be fuckin easier for me to live if I have that.

[sadturtleey]

fanalytics? more like theraphy session result

[sadturtleey]

LEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[sadturtleey]

been waiting few years for this so two more week is okay right?

[sadturtleey]

life is weird

[sadturtleey]

your regards (ha yae song) sits together with congratulations (day6)

[sadturtleey]

gabisa ngeluh, im willingly agree on this mess

[sadturtleey]

untungnya kan, i never owed to anybody. jadi gampang untuk cutting ties

[sadturtleey]

need to set everything straight again. I DON'T NEED ANY ADDITIONAL PRESSURE

[sadturtleey]

anjing semuanya anjing

[sadturtleey]

suddenly twitter isn't safe anymore

[sadturtleey]

after all these hard times, maybe I’m gonna start Code Geass