sadthoughtsforaloser

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

11/21/2017

From Peter’s words. Note to self: 

I will die alone. I get paid $12/hr and still live with my parents. I’m a whore. He asked himself why was he even with me bc I dont have tits or an ass. I’m ugly on the outside and inside. I suck at sex. I give bad blowjobs. I got fucked by dennis. 

We broke up. Cherry’s plan worked out all along. 

I’m crying. From now on, I will better myself and find someone who actually can help me become a better person. I regret every moment being with Peter. I don’t have good memories with him at all. Maybe Peter is right. Maybe I will die alone. 

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

11/20/2017

I confronted Cherry and told her the fuck off. Peter gets mad that I did that. I raged way too hard. I always feel like hes never on my side. He always has to counter everything I say just to piss me off more. 

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

11/16/2017 & 11/17/2017

Peter asked if i still talked to JT. I said that JT texted my mom Happy Birthday for Veterans Day and that he snapchatted me messages. He didn’t want to talk to me. Next day, Peter hung out with his friends to see Elephante. I hung out with mine. He said he might meet up with me. He never responded to me either but i see him in Nat’s snapchat being all touchy with Nat and Cherry. He didn’t even try to hang out with me after Elephante. I had to drive over to his house and wait for him to come home and ask if its okay. 

He told me that Cherry told him to leave me and find someone better. That he can do better than me. That hes still young and there’s so much more to life. AND she fucking told him to cheat on me by dancing with other girls at Elephante. She is sooo fake. I saw her that night and she pretended to like me and shit. 

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

11/09/2017

The bowling night for ACE week. I was dissapointed/upset at Jenny for making excuses to not to come, even though she said she would. After bowling, I went to Peter’s house and told him how I’m considerring to drop Jenny as a little because I suspect her using me to spoil her all the time. I had a rough night. Anywho, Peter didn’t want to come over so I got really butthurt and used that as an excuse to let my anger out on him. 

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

10/31/2017

The whole Renny situation with the Horizon Tour tickets. I offered to help them find a cheap one for $70 and I bought it. Then they changed their minds and now I was stuck with the ticket. Peter started yelling at me and lecturing at me in front of his friends because I’m too nice. He wasn’t down to sell that ticket. I got fed up with the yelling so I told him to stop yelling at me and walked off. Worst Halloween ever. Jess and Jon had to come over and hangout with me to make me feel better. 

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

10/19/2017

We were going out to the OC for our 6 month anniversary. Traffic was really bad. He told me to bring my Fastrak so we can use it. He ended up not using it at all. I started teasing him to sneak into the fasttrak lanes because he said he’s done it before and got away with it 4 times. Then he snapped at me and called me annoying. Then i gave him the silent treatment and it went downhill from there. Went to OC & Lau and people were hella suspicious in us fighting back and forth. After that, we argued in the car and I started being violent. I hit his head with my fastrak and kept punching him. I even tried to choke him too. 

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

10/14/2017 (text fight)

The night of Friday the 13th

Today was an usual boring day with Peter. He’s boring as fuck. I got home from my interview, nailed it AND got hired on the spot. I drove to his place right after just to hang out with him. We went to get Subway and then we watched that 70s show for quite some time. After a while, I got really fucking bored and ansty. We ended up walking around his neighborhood. I decided to leave him early so I can go hang out with Eileen and Allen instead. We went to Moreno Valley Mall and then they got their ears peirced at a tattoo parlor. 

After Peter’s closing shift, we were supposed to go out to John’s house. I also suggested we go out to the movies. I wanted to do something on this Friday night and to celebrate I got a job. However, that got canceled last minute, so Peter wanted to stay home with his housemates, Alex and Jason to watch movies. He didn’t even want to come over to see me, he ALWAYS expects me to drive to his fucking house all the fucking time. 

At times like this, I really start regreting being with Peter. I begin to rethink my relationship with JT. JT was always grateful to be at my house, maybe because he has no home to stay (lol) but it was nice, though. I wonder if I made a mistake leaving JT. Being with Peter honestly just fucking sucks ass sometimes. UGH today is totally Friday the 13th. Unlucky me, right? 

What kind of girlfriend needs to keep a secret blog about her feelings? Do you know how fucking SAD this is? I NEVEEERRRRRRR had to fucking do this type of stupid shit before. Well, until I met Peter, that is. We weren’t meant for each other. I need another man, dude. But it’s the only way for me to vent out my feelings without annoying people my troubles. 

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

10/12/2017 (no fight, just my personal thought)

It is 3:05pm right now. I have tested this twice already, and I feel like Peter doesn’t like being at my house. Today, he is completely free of work and school, yet he still wants to come over at 8pm. But that is just to pick me up to go to the gym. We will be back from the gym to my house around 9:30pm. After that, he will leave my house at 11:30pm. That’s only two hours at my house. Hmmm, I’m kind of sad that he doesn’t really like spending time with me in my home. On the other hand, I have spent all my days at his place all the time. I don’t want to say anything because we will end up fighting again and then he will be offended and will feel “obligated” to stay at my house for a longer period of time. I just want him to actually WANT to stay at my house.  On his own decision, you know? 

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

10/12/2017 (not a fight, just bickering)

Funny JT

I love him very much. No doubt about it. I came over today just to hang out with him. We kind of got bored, so we did nothing on his bed for a bit. We had nothing to do, haha. Anywho, he asked what did I do with JT when we were bored. I basically said that JT was funny, so it was never boring. I guess he harbored those feelings and took it the wrong way. Peter thought I called him boring and decided to call off work because of it. I had no idea it was such a big deal, but he asked! So i just replied. Just because JT was funny, doesn’t mean I don’t love Peter. In fact, JT was funny, but I didn’t love him, nor did I stay faithful to him. But that was my bad. I must have made him feel bad.

Ex- girlfriend Promise Ring

During the car ride to Tyler Mall, he tells me that he bought a promise to his ex girlfriend. I was shocked af. This boy is truly a sick lover boy. Jesus! Stupid, young, naiive child who knows nothing, haha. I start poking fun at him and teasing him on where is my promise ring at and that I see him everyday while he only saw her once a month. I also joked about that in the mall, too. 

HOWEVER, I WAS 100% JOKING ABOUT IT! WTFFFFFFFFF. He thought I was serious and told me it bothered him a lot. uhhhh nigga... can’t take a joke or what? TF I don’t want a ring on my finger right now. Do you know what I want right now? YOU to finish school and get your shit together. Always slacking in school. jeez. 

Honda Civic Generation 

During the car ride home from Tyler Mall, we started bickering about the new Honda Civic generations on how the tailights are different. “Crab” vs “crab holding a bar.” He got annoyed that I was repeating myself. I was 100% being nice and not raising my voice at all. 

WHATEVAAAAA! 

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

10/05/2017: fight

1 history class

He decides to come over at night time. We didn’t see each other for the whole day. I asked him about his trip to the counselor’s office. Apparently he only needs to take one (history) class but wants to wait a whole freaking week to enroll for some reason. It takes less than 2 minutes to enroll online. Why must he wait a whole entire week? Truthfully, I was mad/upset/dissapointed, but I never yelled or lectured him. I hid it very well. Then he proceeds to compare me to his mother. w t f ? I was just listening and asked questions. No where did I attack him or made him feel bad about anything. I was just curious on what his educational goals were heading towards. He is my boyfriend. I deserve the right to know and help him. 

“Why did I even come over to see you for? I should have just drove back to Palmdale to get yelled at my mom instead.” -Peter. 

WTF, RIGHT? sensitive little bitch. I should just break up with him. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life with a guy who claims he is a “student” forever.  

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

10/04/2017: 3 fights, 1 bickering

we fight too much. I hate that. Going to start a fighting diary to keep track on how terrible of a couple we are. 

1. I mistakened him for being grumpy and not wanting to take my photoshoot. He was just tired. He was groggy which made me believe he was not in the mood. At the park, he told me to put the cap on the camera. I said, “why?” From there we went back and forth.

2. I showed him a picture of a girl on explore. He said that her name was Grace and she was hitting on him at the whole entire VSA party. I got suspicous. Then he changed it by saying she didn’t hit on him and that she only followed him for 5 minutes..

3. He said he didn’t believe my side of the story with the whole Dennis situation. That I was a liar.

4. We had a little dispute about Gamja’s flea collar. She was scratching a lot at her collar. I wanted to wash it, but Peter said I was being technical. But i’m actually not. It’s better to prevent shit from happening again.

[sadthoughtsforaloser]

June 23, 2017

I have no one to talk to :(

Summary: Peter and his friends got kicked out of their apartment and need a place to stay. Theyre staying at Priscilla’s, Loren’s and Jinny’s house. 

Is it wrong that I feel super jealous? This feeling has been with me since he first suggested the idea of moving in with Jinny. But as the move in date comes closer, the jealousy got stronger. He officially moved in today. I was not okay with this from the start because I don’t want my boyfriend to be living with girls. Period. But I feel like I don’t have the right to say anything because they really have no where to live. and John isn’t really looking for houses right now. (I knew it. No one was doing shit to look for houses.) Also, they are broke. 

PAST: 

Peter said he had the worst roll of his life with me. A couple days later, he rolls with Cynthia and drunk Jinny and claims he had the best roll of his life. That does not make me feel good about myself at all. He bragged to me about making out with them the whole time on Andy’s bed and he didn’t even know he got a hickey. He was going to pick up Cynthia as his little, too. I had to stop rolling with Peter for a long time and I stopped giving hickeys to him.  

There was also a phase where I suggested Peter to spank me with a spatula. It was a sexual thing that I suggested for us. We did it quite often that time and he would say “I gotta tenderize this meat.” One night, Peter goes to Jinny’s house. I had to find out through a mutual friend’s snapchat that he did the same thing to another girl, Priscilla, Jinny’s roommate. He said the same thing while smiling while all of his friends were recording him. “I gotta tenderize this meat!” Then he proceeds to rub the paddle part of the spatula around her ass cheeks. Then he spanks her. The next video on snapchat comes up. Same thing.  I guess the first time wasn’t enough for Peter. And Yes Priscilla has a really big butt. And this was the time when I hated Jinny, too. So great, another girl I have to hate at that damn house. When I asked him what he did at the party, he said nothing about spanking Priscilla’s ass. I had to ask him 3 times before he admitted to it. but in his stupid “defense” he says that its no big deal. But he clearly knows its a big deal to me, because we established that if anything happens, small or big, we should let each other know. He agreed to it too. From then on, I don’t like being spanked by a spatula.

Every time Peter went to Jinny’s house during the time I hated her, he would say “Oh I’m going to visit Loren and go to her house” etc. Like, I’m not fucking retarded. Jinny’s there too. Whatever. I didn’t even know who this Priscilla girl was either. This was the same for Cynthia as well. He claims that “oh no, I avoid her as much as possible. I don’t even talk to her.” UUUGGGHHHH. fucking liar. She’s over all the time and smokes his weed, too. He says that Cynthia is very much like him. Whatever the fuck that means. He even lied to me about going to her birthday party dinner. Fuck him. 

Great, now Peter is moving in that house. Today, after my interview, I come over. I get super anti social because I’m really shy, especially around his friends for some reason. I felt super unwelcome too. I feel like no one wanted to talk to me at all. I felt like I wasted my time hanging out with them today. We took a while at Costco waiting for food. And Lowe’s took a while, too. Peter didn’t seem to acknowledge me a lot either. This was a waste of 3 hours. I could’ve just went straight home and chilled and clean up the rest of my house or something.

Today is the last BBG sleepover, but it got cancelled. So i ask Peter if  I can spend the last day sleeping over at his place instead. He said yes, but they’ll be sleeping at Jinny’s house. And he did say he wants to turn tf up and roll or something. I feel so uncomfortable and I don’t trust him right now. And since Kevin and Andy are sleeping there too, I don’t want to feel left out or being awkward either like today. So I just declined. I know I won’t have fun there. I’m socially awkward and no one likes me enough to be my friend. 

He didn’t respond to me. At this point I have really bad imagination. What if he’s cheating behind my back? His friends won’t even tell me anything for sure, because they have major bro-code. I feel like him moving in with Jinny will make me love him less. I already love him less just typing all of this. They are the type to party a lot too. So I won’t know anything. I cannot stop crying. My face is sticky with my tears and snot. I feel so fucking stressed. I probably should’ve not jumped into a relationship after JT. I wish I was strong enough to be on my own. 

At this point, I just want to find another boyfriend. A good one though. A boyfriend that won’t hurt me so I won’t hurt him as well. Someone that I won’t have to constantly argue. Maybe its just really late and I’m letting my emotions take over. Maybe its the Nexoplanon. I really don’t know. But I feel a lot of pain and sorrow still. 

My life isn’t going to way the I want it to be. But then again, I don’t even know what I want my life to be like. I should probably cry myself to sleep now. Goodnight Tumblr. </3 

haha I can’t believe how fast time flew. 11pm -1:24pm LOLOL.