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actually, nothing is getting easier. it feels like it's getting harder!! when will it all just stop? lol

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my mental health has been exceptionally terrible lately but i'm starting to notice more and more intense physical manifestations and it's concerning but also... annoying? i feel like my ankle isn't healing as fast as it should because my body is so stressed and near its limit and is just constantly worrying about other issues. my hands wouldn't stop sweating and i had really bad bouts of anxiety for seemingly no reason? it got so bad that eventually i developed a rash on the palms of my hands from all the sweat. my stomach is constantly hurting and i'm lucky if i can manage to eat more than one mediocre meal a day. right now, my stomach is cramping severely and i can only assume it's because i'm still grieving a lot of things and there's a lot on my mind. i've been in bed for a few hours and i just want to get up and feel normal but then i get these crazy cramps. i've never had them like this before. i feel like there's a belt just under my chest that is absolutely squeezing the shit out of my organs and just gets tighter. i drink nothing but water and i'm still horribly dehydrated. i don't understand that!! ugh. i feel like i'm teetering between taking full control of my emotions and blossoming or just succumbing to how terrible i feel. sometimes i wish i had the courage to get rid of myself but then i start feeling bad. i start thinking of how hurt and traumatized the people around me will be. i know how bad it hurts to lose someone that way now. i wish i didn't. i wish none of this happened. my life just continued going downhill since last year and i feel like i just haven't caught a fucking break yet. relationship drama. my cat died. we lost john. i fractured my ankle. we lost elijah. it all hurts. i'm grateful to the one friend i have right now for validating me and reminding me that i'm allowed to be devastated. so far he's the only one that's listened to me and rationalized things in a way that is so helpful and alleviates my problems for a time. i couldn't believe how much i was actually holding in until he called me, not knowing i was crying, and just let me spill my heart out. it just all came out at once, whether i wanted it to or not. and i did want it to, i guess i just didn't realize. things are tough. there's a lot of change going on around me. people are different. fickle. i don't know what to do. i wish i could disappear just for a little while. put everything on pause and go somewhere better. nicer, calmer. warm and loving. i want to be around everyone and everything i love. i want to see elijah so bad. i'm so angry. i can't say i don't understand because i do. we all kinda do. but that doesn't negate how fucking horrible it feels. i don't know. i can only hope that amidst the pain i'm going through and all the things i have to endure now, that i'll emerge as a better person. i hope so. i don't know.

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i want to get better. more than anything in the world. i wish i was strong enough to do what's best for me. i'm tired of not feeling in control of anything, but when handed the reins i totally freak out and don't want that power anymore. i wish my brain was normal and i could just think and feel and act like a normal person.

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nothing makes sense and i don't know what to do.

i'm not happy here. i hate being home, nothing is the same and it just keeps getting worse.

i'm not happy there. you'll never treat me kindly and we'll always be different.

i don't know what to do.

i wish i could just cease. i don't want to be anywhere anymore.

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why am i so unlovable lol

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i miss him so much. i know he can never love me again. and i'm caught up in the disappointment and the feelings that i have hoping he can change his mind

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it's fine i'm just getting drunk and crying

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please i just need someone

it's all bad please

please

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this is a cry for help

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why do i ruin everything lol

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i’m sorry you thought this couldn’t work because i’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life than to prove that it could

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you always told me i was worthy of so much so why was i not worthy of you

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i mean

at least i'm not disassociating as bad as i was before

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you were my first real love

i'm so sorry i wasn't enough

please come back

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will i ever stop missing you