sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

Been out and open for 8 months

Today Poly is hard...

It's not the loving different people for thier awesomeness while accepting thier faults, and finding the willingness to accept them with thier baggage.

It's not having to work through jealousy and fear issues with my wife, setting and accepting comfort boundries that work for both of us.

It's not desiring to meet special and fantastic beautiful souls but sitting in a coffee shop on a dating app alone...

Today it's meeting someone amazing and falling for them, wanting to share your heart with them and have them be a part of your life... But them saying they are afraid of it not working, followed be me coming up with all the reasons why I/we are not good enough and why they should walk away.

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

Coming out is hard.

Im poly.

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

The White Elephant

So the last couple weeks have been a bit rough here in sad mans home. since the Mid coitus interruption last week and our talk the following day I have made sure to provide as many opportunity's to talk of play as I could,,, work was busy for both of us but that is life and our scheduled haven't lined up very well but still I make an intentional effort to be there as much as I can.

Yesterday morning I wake up at 5:30 and wait for her to wake up (again) and she getst up at 7ish and leaves the room.. so i wait till about 7:30 and give up.. so i put some clothes on and join her for some tv..

After the show she gets ready for work then in a relieved and happy tone says she has figured out that if we need to home school she can do it without quitting her job... No F’n Way. so as much as it may make me look like a dick, I explain clearly that I need my space during the week from the boy. as much as I love him I do a lot of work from home and I cannot do that with him here. I love him and I don’t want to end up with deep resentments and for my own mental health i need him to go to school no matter what. I was angry and frustrated but I kept it to the facts and basically said “I m sorry but homeschooling will not be a thing”

We kind of argued back and forth a bit calmly for a few minuets, but i think it ended up coming across that even though the words were not said that if she home-schools she will not have any support from me and it will be a major issue

A few hours later she calls me from work and asks “are we ok?” which i got the feeling was secretly (are you thinking of leaving me or are you having an affair) ... so I calmly and lovingly said “I think over all WE are ok, but there are definitely areas WE are not ok and mostly it I am not ok, there are areas in our relationship where I’m feeling unfulfilled, dissatisfied and discontent and we need to figure it out, but yes over all We are ok but not much more than that”. so we agree that we need to talk tonight after the monkey goes to bed...

So yeah she gets home we watch tv until his bed time, I get him bathed and into bed, (him and I had a fantastic and fun day but it ended with a good blowout when it was time to get out of the bath) and then as I am finally getting him into bed... she starts another show... so she watches tv and I finish up the dishes and do some laundry and wait for the show to be over,

She goes outside for a “smokeandtoke” before bed... I go and make the bed and prepare for the talk which could go in any direction... and I wait and wait finally i get into bed and just wait for her to join... she crawls into bed and lays on my chest (which is nice and i love and is also very rare) and I lay there staring at the elephant... waiting for the shoe to drop when she is ready to talk and be open... hoping for resolve and fearful of loosing her despite my personal unhappiness.... and I wait..... and after a long while she says... “I gotta get some sleep, I love you” and rolls over.... about 45 min later around midnight i pass out only to awake again at 5:30

Fuck you white elephant!

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

What I mean when I say "toxic monogamy culture"

the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love

the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities

the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, you’re either inadequate or they’re too needy

the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else

the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity

the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship

the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on

the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life

the idea that being of value to a partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

Why do i even bother?

So yesterday after being inturupted the night before my wife brings it up… “well at least thats the first time he actually inturrupted us”

I am like seriously? Do you not pay attention to our sex live at all? The last time we had sex 3 weeks ago he walked right in on us and we had to take a dive under the covers cause i was fully fucking you from behind and thats why i put a lock on the door the next day. I then went on to remind her of the dozens of nights I had to either sleep on the couch or sneak outa bed to go to work and how many of those nights made it impossible to even consider any love time

I reminded her that 3 years into our mairage her sex drive tanked and where we were living at the time. I reminded her of the last 5 years how we have gone down more and more in frequency and intimacy to where now 3 weeks seems normal.

I was not mad or mean i just told her that im frustrated as fuck. I like sex all the time and given opportunity daily is preferred. I explained how i feel like a dick complaining about it because society says that mans drive for sex is wrong and bad and men need to be patient and understanding with their partners desire and needs and i shouldn't complain.

So anyway we have a good talk and i got the impression that she might be more attentive to what i need… so we wind up the night watching tv. I fall asleep… not a big deal because i wake up shortly after she turns the tv off at about 11pm and come to bed. She is still awake watching youtube

Completely unresponsive when i cuddle in… so ok i kindly roll over assuming shenis again just tired… so in the morning we wake up (me before her as usual) and she pats me on the leg and goes for a smoke… i thought maybe she will come back morning sex is her fave…. nope she goes to the living room and watches tv

Why the fuck do i bother talking about my needs… she obviously doesn't get how much it matters to me. Ok so you dont have a high sex drive and due to unexplained medical issue sex is often uncomfortable… how about a fucking pitty bj or something once in a while. ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU WOMAN

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

No luck for you dude

So yeah about 3 weeks back my wife woke up on saturday 7 in the morning rearing to go. Inwoke up and we were spooning and she started pressing her ass against me.(thats usually her fireplay) so anyway we just get into it and boom my son walks in. Game over bro! Soni install a key lock on the door (he can and will pick pin locks)

So last night i take my wife on a date and we get home about 10 and watch some tv and go to bed. We crawl into bed about 1:00 am. Just as im dosing off she starts grinding and grabs my cock and starts stroking me.. of course I wake up and sure enough we get to business. I could tell it was a maximum staying power night so im into it hard. We are getting passionate, a bit rough and fucking good and hard which is her fave but usually i pop to quick for my liking… About 5 min in im about to pull the first position switch and…

“Knock knock… Dad im scared” and he wont give up… so up i get and off to the couch….

Fuck me!

So i send a message to a friend of mine who is awesome and we bounce stuff off each other on the regular .(her and i are both poly but our signifigants are not so we are plutonic friends) and she tells me she tryed to get it on with her bf tonight and he couldnt keep it up…. SERIOUSLY!

Mono-poly sucks no luck for anyone tonight

FUUUUUUUUCK MY LIFE

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

What’s it called when you want the sad fucked out of you?

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

Feeling alone...frustrated...hopeless. again

So yeah… not that anyone reads this anyway but yeah …. im feeling stuck

I love my wife and she is a great life partner and I doubt there is anyone who would partner with me the way she does.. and after 20+years we have a ton inveested in the mairage and our family..

But there are some things that are becoming more and more heavy to carry

1 she is not interested in partaking in my social passions.. i am super social and nerdy.. I go to conventions and larps and table top rpgs and festivals and all kinds of fun events and games… sometimes she will come out and watch me do stuff but I feel she is just doing so because I ask her not because she wants to at all..

2 sex… maybe once a week more like once every 3 weeks… she likes quick morning sex with little foreplay hit it hard and get on with our day… i am not a huge fan of mornings cause its sweaty and smelly and neither of us look great… I am also a big fan of long slow sex taking time and enjoying the ride… fore play mid play and after cuddles and play… and i am horny every dam day.

3 effort in bed… its 98%me she is passive and (once she lets me know she wants it) its all up to me to drive the session forward but at the same time she calls all the shots…

4 She is the final authority on where and when… no matter how many times i make space in our day, or make hints, or sugestions its all about her… which i get as i wouldnt want to have sex when indidnt want to but it feels out of ballance

5. I have other opportunities that I have to graciously avoid. Girls half my age who are interested in hanģing out, weomen who are hot and have indecated they are open to playtime, groups of friends i know that are beautifull people and hot and moraly ambiguous….

6 she gets super defensive when i try to talk to her about it and express im frustrated… like i have no right to complain about sex, she cant help it blahblah

Wtf am i to do

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

Feeling.... unsexy no.. unwanted... no something else..

I know a few girls who feel they are not worthy of nice things and kindnes and affection and care. They often spend much of their time boldly stating such things and it drives me nuts. Beautiful, kind, generous, couteous and sexy young weomen that i would love…. given I was younger and single that is…

When they verbaly beat themselves up it breaks my heart. I tell them how valuble they are and if I ever heard someone else ever spoke that way about them they would be spitting chicklets…

But… I feel that way too, I do. I feel unsexy, old, ugly. I feel like a failure some times I dissapoint myself on a daily basis, and I fail to uphold my own moral compass.

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

Always wanting more

I find myself always wanting more. I sometimes wonder if it ever could be enough. Mind you once evry few weeks isnt alot but i wonder if once a week would satisfy me… or three times a week…. or once evry couple days… would that do it? I dont know maybe I would be satisfied with once a day…

Maybe its got nothing to do with quantity but evrything to do with quality…. or variety… I dont know but im horny as fuck almost all day evry day….

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

So yeah, first time in weeks we get to bed at the same time. Sleepy but not over tired. Not about to have sex but we settle into a nice space of intimate cuddling and sensual touching for the first ti.e in probably 2 months.

Not 5 fucking min and our autistic son comes in because he rememberd something scarry he read a couple weeks ago….. There is no talking him out of it…he gets in bed and im on the couch.

FUCK YOU AUTISIM!

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

Fu k

You know those times when your horny as hell and you come to bed 5 min late and your partner is just on the edge of falling asleep and you dont have the heart to push it because you know they have to work in the morning and they will probably just push you away because they are tired and then you will feel all sad and rejected so you just roll over and try to go to sleep….. ueah thats fun

[sad-thoughts-of-a-good-man]

Hmm

So here i lay in my bed beside my wife who loves me. Who am I? An actor musician father and grand father. A man on the edge if loosing it all and just giving up. So many things I love in life and many thing I am rely fucking good at…. money is not one of them… I was born into a poor and broken home and cant seem to pull myself above not having enough. Just when it feels like things are good. They fall appart

I am God loving sinner, in fact im a reasonably well educated man both in the world and in scripture and world religeon. Im an artist and a lover of people. But the world seems to hate me and the church has no interest in my vast skillsets…. I don’t get it… I realy don’t.

I am loved by many people and lusted after by some (so ive been told) I am known by hundreds and even thousands but I feel persistently alone. I usually do everything very independently and am known to carve my way in life. Many people are often amazed at the things I have learned to do and create without a teacher or mentor. Its not because im amazing but because no one is there to help me so I have to figure it out and do it alone, or I cant count on anyone to be reliable enough to help so I just do it.

Yet with all my strength and knowledge, creativity and skill I feel like I am failing evry day. Like no matter what I do Im just a fake, a counterfiet and destined to Fail….

I need a breakthrough, we need a home. For once i need to land on my feet instead of a tuck and roll.