sad-b0y-6

[sad-b0y-6]

Straight up

Straight up if I had a g*n, I would’ve blown my brains out by now

[sad-b0y-6]

[sad-b0y-6]

I dead ass am so stressed. I feel like such a fuck up bro.

[sad-b0y-6]

Was really excited for today and then boom 💥 there goes my mental health and anxiety 😞 I feel so shitty and hate myself and can’t help but feel like everything is my fault 😕

[sad-b0y-6]

10/04/2023

I feel like everything is against me for going to school. I know what I want to do. But every time I feel like things are slowly going into place, something crashes in the way. I honestly wonder if I should just get my associate degree and settle in for a long life of retail? Great, now time to go to a class that I feel I have no purpose in being in anymore.

It’s always you need to make money, you need to be independent, you need to make something of yourself. I’m trying? Why is that never good enough?

How can I make a decent amount of money without a degree?? If I worked in food or retail, you’d be like you need to find a career. Even when I worked at the dealership and had a “career” it was always you need to find a good job and career that you can excel at.

I’m expected to do great in school but everyday I’m told I need to find a career? How can I possibly focus on my fucking classes and give a shit when I feel like I don’t even belong??? When I feel like no one fucking believes in me and that I would never be able to have a job title like that.

Im my own worst critic. I don’t need more.

Every time I talk to you, you’re always in a mood! You’re never in a good mood anymore? Are you okay? NO. You’ve rooted this insecure bullshit into me that makes my brain run 24/7 thinking about how much of a piece of shit I am. How can I possibly fucking succeed when I feel like everyone who is cheering me on is secretly laughing behind closed doors saying any day now she’s going to fail.

Sometimes I wish I would’ve just gone through with killing myself as a kid. Do I really make an impact on anyone? If I was to vanish, no one would blink an eye. I’m replaceable. There is nothing special about me. I say I wanna be a lawyer to make change but I don’t even change anyone’s lives around me for the better. I don’t even make an impact.

I just want do good man. I want the people around me to thrive and be happy. I want to give my wife the best luxury life she can have. I want my dogs to be happy. I want my family to be happy. Maybe that’s without me in the picture.

Anyways, gotta wipe the tears and put on a smile and go to a class that may just be pointless at this point.

[sad-b0y-6]

My anger is a slow burning rage that incinerates everyone it touches

[sad-b0y-6]

[sad-b0y-6]

[sad-b0y-6]

Lately all I can think about is how much better everyone’s lives would be if I was dead or if they just simply forgot about me and I vanished. My wife’s family would help her, they’d help her restart her life and she would be with her family. I wouldn’t be a financial burden on everyone. I wouldn’t be a disgrace anymore. I even drafted divorce paperwork to give her so she can have a chance to go back home and live a better life. I see it everyday how she hates it here and would rather choose her family if she could choose again. I don’t blame her, I felt the same way for YEARS. I know she wants back but if she asked me I don’t think I’d be able to move back and that’s not fair to her. Her family blames for taking her away and I blame myself for everything going on now. I shouldn’t have gotten married. I should’ve separated and moved by myself. It wasn’t ok to tear her away and make her miserable by choosing me. I guess I’ve just always craved someone to want to choose me but I think I’ve came to the sad conclusion that I was put on this earth to help others and heal others. I won’t get the same energy I give others and it hurts me but it’s okay, I’m learning to accept it. My anger try’s to bubble to the surface sometimes and fight for me to be loved but I think she’s just tired, she’s been fighting to long. It’s funny because I say my anger but it’s my inner child, she is so angry. She is so sad. I used to want to fight for her and work with her and show her we can be loved and we deserve love but I’m starting to understand everything now. It’s tough to sit her and suffocate the part of you that fights for you but it’s fair to keep traumatizing her. I had a bottle of opioids left over from my surgery that finished recently and that helped me not feel so numb but it’s not a long term solution. It’s 4am, I’ve wrote what’s on my chest and maybe I’ll start using this as my journal again. I guess I see why my wife liked having alternative social media that not I or anyone can see. It’s refreshing to type things out to void without cramping your hand on pencil and paper.

[sad-b0y-6]

You push me away to the point where I start to think maybe you’d be happier without me in your life.. maybe if I left you’d be better off.. maybe I was wrong taking you away from your family.. it’s always been your family first, never me. Silly me to think getting married would change that. Maybe we hit the end of our chapter only when I feel like it just truly began.

Your so unhappy that your threatening to cut yourself and harm yourself ..

I never imagined 3 months after getting married to be wondering if your gonna leave. Nothings ever gonna change. Maybe I wasn’t the one to begin with

Guess this is what it’s like to feel helpless while your heart shatters