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i gave fourth wing another chance and now i'm fucked

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nothing new is literally rory gilmore

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piper halli/well loves dr pepper and so do i

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I wanted to be where nobody I knew could ever come.

Sylvia Plath, from ‘The Bell Jar’

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me: *is tiny*

me: (ง •̀_•́)ง

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@ FAITHFLED .  a  private and highly selective, independent 90’s based original character inspired by southern gothic themes & the horror genre with heavy musical influences .   21+ for dark , heavy , nsfw, & religious themes present .   explored  by   anna ,   27 ,    she/her.

CARRD † STUDY † REFLECTION † PINTEREST

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please like/reblog my post if you use.

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his heart contorts and resorts to acrobatics in his chest, pumping white hot adrenaline straight through him. he is at the mercy of her every touch, every word. unbeknownst to her, devilish thoughts tap him on the shoulder, try to break down his iron clad defenses of a heart ablaze. ( could you take it if she leaves you again? ) truthfully, he didn't know the answer. he didn't know if it'd finally break him. what he did know ─ it was unequivocally worth the risk.

even if she left him to drown, releasing his hand just before they jump off the cliff of the endless love he'd offer her, it would still be worth it. every shattered piece of his heart when he hit the ground would have been, for a little while, loved by the person whose very being lit a torch within him that made every moon in his sky brighter. long nights spent alone, chasing the distance headlights in the darkest parts of greenery, letting his mind wander ─ he'd look up and think of her. wherever she was, he always carried her with him.

and here she was now, close enough to feel her breathing. the way her eyes lock on him, baring her heart and promising him love every day as long as she lives?

he just knows she means it, and he let himself trust it.

jacob never realized the aching strain in his back until now. the effort to lean forward to feel her warmth, to meet her at her level. it's awkward, even when she rises as high as she can to meet him. he seriously must have grown another inch taller since last seeing her, already towering over her under normal circumstances. he almost wants to laugh at how ridiculous he must look. he gently and reluctantly moves his hands from her face, so carefully, so intricately, as if one wrong move could rob them of this. once he reaches her waist, he wraps his arms around her and delicately cages her against him, lifting her off of the ground with ease. “ damn, have you gotten shorter? ” a breathy laugh finally escapes his lips, and he lies his forehead firmly against hers. “ much better, i think. ” his voice is low, husky in its delivery. their hearts beating as one, all of his senses in overdrive. the pools of hypnotic and familiar brown holding his gaze, eyes that appear now as though they've always been just for him. “ you already know you don't have to beg, bells ─ ” he breathes out, holding her up with one arm and soothingly rubbing her back with the other. “ you don't even have to ask. chance is all yours. ”

he was hers.

his eyes flutter shut, anticipation enough for him to send both of them off balance, but he holds steady. a beacon of new beginnings, of promising safety. his lips lightly graze the softness of hers, and a beat passes that seems like a lifetime before he eagerly presses them firmly against hers. back home to him, they did their time.

bella  is  painfully  aware  that  the  urgency  of  the  situation  has  loosened  her  tongue,    that  maybe  she  wouldn’t  be  spilling  like  an  overflowing  sink  had  she  not  received  such  an  ominous  gift  this  morning.    in  her  own  sick  and  twisted  way,    she  was  thankful  for  it    –    not  death and battle  looming  like  a  dark  shadow,    but  for  the  aggressive  shove  in  his  direction.    she  needed  it,    she  just  wished  that  it  didn’t  have  to  come  with  impending  combat.    the  last  thing  she  wanted  was  to  put  the  packs    –    her  friends  –    in  danger.    if  she  thought  about  it  too  hard,    for too  long,    she’d  regret  ever  coming  here  in  the  first  place.    so,    she  doesn’t  think  about  that.  instead,    she  thinks  about  how  there  is  molten  chocolate  melted into  his  irises.    how  the  warm  kitchen  lighting sets his figure aglow, like an angel hovering before a rising sun.    she  thinks  about  the  way  she  can  feel  his  breath  upon  her  nose    –    how  he’s  basically  a  human  space  heater  and  she’s  always  so very  cold.    she  thinks  about  how  they’re  just  inches  away  from  crossing  a  line  drawn  in  sand  by  a  foolish  girl  bewitched  something  sinister beyond  her  wildest  comprehension.    oh,    how  she’s  desperately  trying  to  fill  it.    pleading  with  the  ocean  to  wash  it  away  for  good, once and for all.  she’s  holding  her  breath,    she  realizes  this  as  he  speaks    –    when  her  words  fail  to  exit  her  throat.    ❛  i  -  ❜    a  soft  nod.    ❛  i  mean  -    i  should  have.    you  shouldn’t  -    you  shouldn’t  give  me  another  one.  ❜    but  she  wants  him  to  so  fucking  bad.    ❛  i  had  my  chance  and  i  -  i    blew  it.  ❜    she’s  stuttering  under  the  spotlight  of  his  unwavering  eye  contact    –    heart  pounding  in  her  ears.    ❛  as  your  best  friend  i  would  tell  you  to  tell  me  to  fuck  off.  ❜    she  pushes  herself  up  on  her  toes,    forehead  pressed  against  his.    ❛  but,    as  a  girl  who  royally  fucked  up,    i’m  begging  you  to  give  me  just one more.  ❜

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plan b is only $8 on amazon right now if anyone needs the resource/knows someone who does before our rights are taken lmao!

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l'avoir est comme posséder les étoiles .    @bravelies​   &   @breedsmisery​ .    ♡

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he's underwater, sunlight beaming from the surface at daybreak in a blanket of warmth, despite the unknown vast sea. despite the monstrous truths of their lives, of her life. the dangers lurking and looming over them. everything is dark and distant, everything but bella. her words echoing, bouncing off of the walls of his mind. two halves of one, the truth meaning of going through hell and coming out on the other side how you were meant to. even if it seemed lost forever, engulfed in the treachery of a dark, unforeseen power he couldn't overcome. thought he never would. edward had taken bella away from him, accompanied with the torture of analyzing the what ifs, had her choice been truly and purely hers.

could it be him?

the home he finds in her eyes anchors him and brings him back to his body, senses rushing back. the rain beating into the roof, the aromas from the kitchen, bella's breathing, the warmth of her body so close to him that if he wanted to, he could close the distance and ─

he loves it when she rambles, and he'd fill his own silence with laughter if he could breathe. he can't help but worry about the timing, the overcasting shadow of dealing with the battle ahead, with what lies in store. the need to reassure bella that she'd live past tomorrow, that she didn't have to say all of this tonight. was it fair of him, to fully succumb to his emotions? then again, he started this conversation trying like hell not to. his heart thumps against his chest, threatening to escape like a caged bird desperate for flight.

what's that thing they say about hope?

he wants to express his unanimous acceptance to her terms. that yes, he wants to hear it every day. several times a day. but the words won't come. he swallows hard, gaze deepening and his breath catching. he leans in until his forehead is almost touching hers, a dam of emotions breaking wide open in front of her. his eyes convey an open book ─ vulnerability, risk, hopeful desire. he's stuck on one thing, one thing he desperately craves clarity for. enough so that he finally finds his voice, the words coming out in a whispered breath.

“  ─ lost your chance ? ”

his  very  presence  was  like  a  golden  dawn    –    a  sharp  contrast  to  the  twilight  she  had  allowed  herself  to  wallow  in;    cold  and  gloomy  in  shades  of  blue  and  gray.    with  him,    even  in  this  dreary  town,    she  felt  the  radiating  warmth  of  summer  sun.    a  beacon  of  of  optimism  that  illuminates  the  lives  of  those  around  him.    how  she  had  allowed  herself  to  become  so  engulfed  by  darkness,    she  would  never  understand.    the  light  at  the  end  of  the  tunnel,    the  suns  rays  that  she  had  missed  so  much,    the  feeling  of  safety  was  here  all  along.    waiting  for  her,    promising  to  be  there  when  she  was  ready.    eyes  roll  at  his  observation,    he  certainly  had  a  point  there.    even  if  the  chili  sucked    –    she’d  grin  and  bear  it.    there’s  a  weightless  feeling  in  her  stomach,    all  the  way  down  to  her  toes.    she  thinks  that  maybe  his  gentle caress  is  the  only  thing  keeping  her  upright,   the  only  thing  keeping  her  knees  from  giving  out from under her.    she  can’t  help  but  feel  bad    –    guilty.    like  she’s  leading  him  on.    but  how  could  she  be  leading  him  on  when  all  she  wants  is  him?    this  time,    she  knew.    he  was  it  for  her.    she’d  known  before  the  immortal  spell  that  had been placed upon her unsuspecting soul.    she  had  chosen  him  first    –    and  she  would  choose  him  again  and  again.    in  every  lifetime.    ❛  mmm - i  had  a  feeling.  ❜    bella  teases, heat rising in her cheeks,    eye  contact  unwavering.    she's forgotten about death looming over her, a predator stalking it's prey. his  confession  escaping  his  lips  and  slithering into  hers  through  sharp  inhale.    she  knows  how  he  means  it.    how  they’ve  always  loved  each  other.    but  there’s  more,    isn’t  there?    every  time  they’ve  said  it,    it’s  held  a  different  weight  to  it.    this  time,    it  feels  heavy    –    mountainous.    like  perhaps  her  love  hadn’t  been  lost  all  along,    perhaps  edward  hadn’t  stolen  it.    maybe  she  left  it  right  here.    within  him, for safe keeping.    subconsciously  knowing  that  she  would  come  back  for  it,    when  it  was  safe.      ❛  i  love  you.    i  always  have  and  i  always  will  and    –    it  feels  so  unfair  of  me  to  say  that.    like  i’ve  lost  my  chance.  ❜    she  can’t  help  but  ramble.      ❛  but  i  would  like  to  say  it  every  day.    for  as  long  as  i  live.  ❜    even if that time is limited. ❛  if  you’ll  let  me.  ❜

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“  well, believe it. i'm just done. ” she could make him believe it, her tongue always her most vicious weapon. push the limits of the truth beyond repair, and do what she does best. lie, like it's an olympic freaking sport. anticipation of regret lingers and forces her to hesitate, but she's no longer the girl he knew. she is a ghost, wandering and empty. “  it's not like i was the great love of your life, you met me on the side of the road. you can run along and pull the same white knight routine with anyone else. ”

❛  easier  for  me?    what  does  that    –    what  does  that  even  mean?  ❜    he’s  racking  his  brain  trying  to  figure  out  where  it  all  went  wrong.    ❛  come  on,    alison,    you've got  to  give  me  more  than  that.    you  can’t  expect  me  to  believe  that  you’re  just    –    done.  ❜

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“  we could ... ” she muses, head bobbing side to side as if debating something. but, of course, the thought's already at the forefront. “  or i could hex him for you? giant bats flying out of his nose for days. ”

it  may  or  may  not  help  anything,    but  it  does  get  a  smile  out  of  her.    ❛  and  do  what?    look  through  his  windows  like  some  deranged  weirdos?  ❜    eyes  roll but  she  still ponders  the  idea.  ❛  let’s  do  it.    ❜

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Palo Alto (2013) dir. Gia Coppola

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PERSONA

1966, dir. Ingmar Bergman

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the welcomed warmth of her hands enveloping his own sends a spread of warmth to his chest, fiery embers reignited in just one touch. he wonders if she felt it too, though he grimly reminds himself that it's unlikely. not in the same way he might wish, he won't even dare to dream it. her just being here was enough, and he'd never lose her again. if jacob had it his way, he'd stay rooted to this spot with her. he wouldn't move for years. he clears his throat, attempting to clear the tightness developing there.

“  if i'm your favorite person, i guess your chili judging skills are officially biased. ” his attempt to stay lighthearted is at risk of a dead giveaway by the look on his face, the hairs on his arms standing up at her words.

“  obviously ridiculous, ” he agrees with a grin, gravity giving way and pulling him closer to her. slightly, subconsciously, barely noticeable. truthfully, he gets what she means. every time they've gotten ripped apart by things he fought like hell to stop, it was that much harder the next time. chipping away at pieces of his heart, until he almost had nothing left. only for her to end up as he feared in the end. he never would have left her. now, his job was to make sure she was free, once and for all. “  you won't lose me again, not if you don't want to. ” they've both proven they can survive without each other, but were they at their best? bella added the color to his life, the promise of something good. hope. his thumb brushes absently over the skin of her hand, an easy smile evident on his face. “  i don't know if you knew, but you've always been my favorite person. ”

“  ─ i love you, bells. ” jacob's own eyes sting with the threat of overflowing emotion and his throat tightens, catching him off guard. he means it in the purest sense, loving her as jacob because she is bella. because she loves everyone so deeply he couldn't help but admire her, because she's the last one to know how beautiful she is, how brave, how funny. but he means it in other ways, too. and it dawns on him that maybe he doesn't want to add ' as your best friend, jacob, ' with a sheepish smile.

maybe he doesn't want to lie.

it was probably sort of obvious to her anyway, he thinks. that his love would never truly run out.

never quite buried.

even  with  certain  death  lurking somewhere  beyond  the  horizon,    she  feels  as  if  she’s  floating  above  the  ocean    –    looking  at  herself,    at  them,    at  their  history  from  a  new  perspective.    she’d  spent  months  and  months  unpacking,    repacking,    and then  tossing  her  feelings  all  about  her  bedroom.    her  healing  journey  wasn’t  linear  and she was  glad  he  didn’t  have  to  witness  the  half  of  it.    she  hadn’t  recognized  herself  for  a  while    –    this  unhealthy  obsession  with  becoming  an  undead  monster  had  almost  turned  her  into  a  living  one.    but  she  prevailed    –    and  thank  god  she  did.    ❛  shut  up.  ❜    bella  murmurs,    nudging  his  chest  with  her  palm,    head  shaking with a laugh.    he  wasn’t  wrong.    she  believes  that  she  was  almost  ready  even  without  victoria’s  sudden  appearance.    she  was  getting  closer  and  closer  to  calling  him, to stopping by after work.    her  fears began  stemming  more  from  risking  another  goodbye  than  diving  headfirst  into  traumatic  remembrance. which was progress.    ❛  best  chilli  ever,    huh?  ❜    the  tears  have  subsided,    leaving  her  cheeks  glistening  in  their  path,    but  subsided  nonetheless.    ❛  you  know,    i  never  told  you  but  i’m  actually  a  professional  chilli  judge.  ❜    just  like  that,    they  were  waltzing  back  into  rekindled  flames    –    well,    in  bella’s  case,    stumbling  awkwardly  while  trying  to  not  trip  over  her  own  two feet.    the  love  she’d  lost  blooming  like  a  flower  in  her  ribcage    –    shedding  it’s  withered  petals  and,    in  their  place,    vibrant  possibilities  began  to  grow.    she doesn’t  know  if  she’ll  ever  quite shake  the  undeserving  feeling  but  it’s  nice  to  pretend  that  she  might.    his  palms  linger  against  her  cheeks  and  she  raises  her  own  to  rest  atop, fingers curling around his to keep  them  in  place.    she  isn’t  ready  to  let  go,    not  yet.    she’d  spent  so  long  wondering  what  it  would  feel  like  to  be  held  by  him  again,    she  was  going  to  take  advantage  of  it.        ❛  i’ve  had    –    a  lot  of  time  to  reflect.  ❜    bella  sighs,    ❛  and  i  think  you  might  be  my  favorite  person  on  this  earth.  ❜    not  in  an  unhealthy,    obsessive  way.    ❛  i  couldn’t  bear  the  thought  of  losing  you  again so i  thought  staying  away  would  be  best  for  both  of  us,    but    –    obviously  that’s  ridiculous.  ❜

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relief washes over him, muscles in his shoulders automatically relaxing. he hadn't realized the tension of the question hanging in the air, the way it felt heavy enough to physically crush him. he'd been so afraid she'd say goodbye again, without even fully realizing it. but she didn't. she's here, and she's staying. he smiles warmly at her, second nature to bring his thumbs to each side of her face, gently wiping away the wetness there. hearing bella laugh, no matter the circumstances, even in the fear, uncertainty and melancholy ── he feels like he's been basking in the sun. aglow with her presence, reveling in her gaze upon him. like coming home.

“  i knew you couldn't resist much longer. ” he laughs softly then, too, a gesture with a small jerk of his head toward the room behind him. “  i'll get you some clothes to borrow. i was making the best chili ever and i just bought more toothpaste, so you picked the best night to show up. ” best chili ever, or one of the only things he knows how to cook. same thing.

he remembers when he was a kid, begging his dad to the brink of insanity to call charlie and see if he wanted to go fishing. to swing by and see charlie and bella, and the pure triumph and euphoria he'd experience when he finally broke him down. extra chores for a week, no hesitation. even then, she was his best friend. and every summer, he became a thorn in billy's side.

that feeling never really changed, whenever bella appeared.

his thumb lingers on her cheek, eyes darkening once more. he knew she missed him too. it never occurred to him that she only came to him for help ── maybe it would have then, with bitterness and the sting of rejection clouding his judgment, but not now. the fact that she was worried he'd think so, was classic bella. “  and i know it's not the only reason, but even if it was, i wouldn't care. ” he'd argue with her all night ─ she's deserving of him, of safety, of happiness. and more. he doesn't exactly know the plan yet, but he knows he can protect her. and it seems like this time, she's going to let him. it gives him some sense of ease, despite the fear for her threatening to take him over. he had to admit, it felt good to hear she thought of him, almost as much as he thought of her. he doesn't even realize that his hand is still cradling her face, his gaze unwavered, voice soft and barely above a whisper.

“ ── as long as you're okay. ”

she’d  found  the  locket  that  morning.    coasting  through  the  day  with  the  leaden  weight  of  her  own  fears    –    clouding  her  mind,    keeping  her  in  a  constant  state  of  fight  or  flight.    hands  trembling,    heart  racing.    she  hadn’t  realized  just how  bad  it  was  until  she  could  finally  breathe,    until  she  finally  felt  safe.    he  had  always  been  a  sort  of  harbor  for  her,    shelter  in  the  constant  storm  of  her  own  making.    when  she’d  cut  her  foot  on  the  beach  or  scrape  her  knee  falling  off  her  bike,    his  arms  were  the  ones  that  carried  her  home  to her dad.    even  as  a  child,    he  was  always  making  sure  that  she  was  taken  care  of.    that  she  was  safe.    it  was  no  wonder  her  father  liked  him  so  much,    he’d  witnessed  his  kindness  and  bravery  for  so  long    –    it  must  have  killed  him  to  watch  edward,    of  all  fucking  people,    rip  that  friendship  away  from  her  when  she  had  only  just  gotten  it  back.    bella  had  already  apologized  to  him  a  million  times  over.    her  brain  a  swamp  of  melancholic  guilt  for  the  longest  time.    he’d  tell  her,    over  and  over:    there  is  no  need  apologize,    bells.    but  how  could  she  ever  believe  that  all  she  gave  was  enough?    the  warmth  of  his  home  is  familiar.    it  smells  like  him,    maybe  mixed  with a little  oak here  and  cedar there.    once  his  arms  are  around  her,    she  squeezes  as  tight  as  she  possibly can,    as  if  he  were  merely  seconds  away from  being  ripped  from  her grasp.    she  doesn’t  notice  it  at  first,    the  cold  wet  of  her  eyelids  bleeding  onto  his  chest.    a  release  of  sorrow,    hope,    and  agonizing  wait.    a  moment  she  had  only  dreamed  about  for  so  long    –    finally  coming  to  fruition.    she  only  wished  this  looming  threat  wasn’t  casting  a  shadow  over  their long  -  awaited  reunion.    she  laughs  a  little    –    smile  curving  into  her  tear  soaked  cheeks,    big  brown  eyes  peering  up  towards  him in gentle understanding.    ❛  i  already  planned  on  it.    i  brought  a  toothbrush  with  me.  ❜    she  brought  little  else,    just  the  clothes  on  her  back    –    not  wanting  too  much  of  her  scent  in  his  home.    she  even  parked  down  the  coast,    not  that  it  mattered  much.    victoria  would  find  her.   but  it  was  all  she  could  think  to  do.    ❛  i  should  have  come  sooner.    i  wanted  to.    i  thought  about  you  single every  day.    i’m  not    –    i’m  not  just here  for  your  help.    please, please  don’t  think  that.  ❜