saccharinesugars-blog

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ezraholloway:

There was a large, semi-flat rock that sat almost exactly midway between Ezra’s house and the one next door to it, and often times when he felt like soaking up some virtual sun, he’d go out and lounge there with a plate of fruit and his sketchbook. He hadn’t taken to socializing with his immediate neighbors much in the time that he’d been there, but had definitely familiarized himself with a great deal of the lay of the land, and had made a point of exploring what he could of the island. He was talkative and quick to engage with those who worked in and roamed the bustling town area, and had made a number of friendly acquaintances already just with the faux persona of confidence and effervescence he’d been trying on since he’d arrived. 

That false confidence had manifested itself in the dozens of tattoos that littered this projected, imagined version of his body, which served not only as something that made him seem ‘cooler’, in his mind, but also as great conversation pieces in a place where the manipulated weather was always perfect. Anything that made it easier to talk to people was something he was willing to do, even if that meant mentally exhausting himself trying to keep up an act while in a place that was meant to be therapeutic for the mind. 

He constantly found himself having to give himself reminders to relax, to not take every interaction so seriously, but it was difficult when he was trying to practice for the real world. A real world in which he was entirely in control of his choices and who he surrounded himself with. Still there were moments where he needed to take a breather from interacting with other people all together, and that was where that perfect sitting rock came in. He hadn’t been expecting anyone to approach him as he sat there in peaceful concentration with two apples and a handful of grapes sliced up neatly on a plate and his sketchbook resting on one drawn up knee, the other leg spread out in front of him. 

When he glanced up he laid eyes on someone even more unexpected. He’d seen her around a few times and figured her house must have been somewhere nearby, but he didn’t think that she or anyone else was going to come up to him. “Oh-…” He said initially with a soft, semi-confused smile on his face when he recognized her at first and she brought up the weather, “Yeah, always, s’beautiful. Guess it’d be a bit wrong of them if it wasn’t, since it’s supposed to be… perfect here, or whatever.” He slowly flipped his sketchbook closed and gestured toward the plate of fruit to quietly tell her she was welcome to it. 

when she first sat down, he looked at her with an honest and open expression. she clearly saw the confusion and then the recognition. it was nice to see him like that, to see the true version of him, the one that was there before he realized he wasn’t alone and had to get back into the role of whatever he was trying to be. emmeline didn’t know exactly why she felt close to him when this was the first time they’d ever spoken, but she imagined that there had to be a reason. 

he answered her question, or responded to her comment. she watched him close his sketchbook and was only slightly disappointed that she hadn’t seen what he was drawing. when he motioned to the plate between him, she dropped her gaze to it and took an apple slice just to be polite. she wasn’t really hungry, but he had offered, and to decline him would be rude.

as she took a small bite, she nodded, making sure to chew and swallow everything before she spoke. she had so many questions she wanted to ask, like whether he was enjoying himself or if he really thought it was perfect here or if he ever missed the rain like she did. instead she simply settled for introducing herself, holding out the hand that wasn’t holding the bit of apple.

“I’m emmeline. I think we’re neighbors.” she motioned to her house, the small cottage on the other side of the clearing. 

[saccharinesugars-blog]

@ezraholloway

she had seen him around, wandering through the same places she’d been. they hadn’t spoken, but emmeline rarely spoke to anyone. mostly she stuck to the walls, shadows if there were any. she had spent years of being seen and not heard and she was practically a professional at it by now. 

at first she watched. he floated through conversations like he was used to having them, like he had spent his years making himself fit. except, emmeline could tell that it wasn’t exactly right. the light in his eyes never quite went out, but sometimes when no one was looking, he let the curtain fall, shielding it from view for just a moment. the only reason she recognized it was because her eyes were equipped with that same curtain, the same curtain she peeked through as she watched him. 

eventually she got tired of sitting in silence, of hiding behind the safety of her curtain. she waited until he was alone, sitting off to the side by himself, and she moved before she could convince herself not to. sitting next to him, she chewed at her lip for a moment before taking a deep breath and turning to him.

“the weather is nice here, isn’t it?”

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bravadcs:

all day long, friday had been running all over the island taking it in. this was meant to be the place that healed him; that made him feel safe and help him forget his worldly problems. part of him was in awe that he would be here for at least a month – it was a true paradise. everything from his house to the gourmet shops was almost built specifically to his liking it seemed. 

another part of him grew fearful of when he would emerge from his paradise and return to the troubles that faced him in the real world. unfortunately, friday’s old habits still had yet to die and his preoccupied mind brought him to the bar in town. he was on his third whisky sour when he decided it was probably time to get back to his temporary home.

 the noises and crowds of people blurred past him as he steadily walked out and through the town square. he was so set on the continuous motion of going forward he did not even hesitate before brushing up against a literal stranger. the blonde boy barely flinched or noticed until the girl he bumped into spoke up.

 “oh.” he said, surprised. “it’s not your fault..” friday slurred sleepily. only a vague figure of a girl with curly hair translated to the boy in his drunken state. “i bumped into you.” he continued, waving his finger around sloppily. “i’m the bad person here.. i’m the bad person out there, too. shhh, but i’m not supposed to think about that here.”  

he was taller than her, but that wasn’t a surprise. almost everyone she had ever met was taller than her. due to his size, it also wasn’t a surprise that he’d nearly taken her out when he bumped into her. she could tell from the sound of his voice that he was pretty well drunk, so she wasn’t really surprised at his lack of navigational skills either. still, emmeline had learned from having an alcoholic of a mother that it was best not to be in his way more than necessary. 

she kept her hands at her sides, her gaze not meeting his. “it’s okay.” she wasn’t about to tell him that he was right, that it was his fault, not when she didn’t know him or what kind of drunk he was. as he kept speaking, she got a feeling that he was the kind of drunk that lost track of his filter and became an over-sharer, and she didn’t really know what to say to him.

“I’m sure you’re not a bad person. it’s fine. it’s okay.” by virtue of where they were, emmeline knew that each person she would meet here would have undergone some sort of trauma, so it wasn’t surprising to her that this guy was thinking about something he would rather not. it might explain the drinking, too. “don’t worry about it.”

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as much as she had been excited to be here, all the times she spent saving and living out of her car to afford this thing she thought was her best shot at a normal life, emmeline was surprisingly confused with what to do now that she had arrived. for a few days, it was all she could do to just explore her little cottage house, opening all the windows and soaking in the sunshine. she spent a good chunk of hours curling up with a book in the reading nook (she actually had a reading nook, which was wilder than she had ever imagined) and even found that the house had been stocked with baking instruments. she could read and bake and sleep, but she didn’t think that was what she was supposed to be doing, not that she knew what was.

it was worth an attempt to find out, which was how emmeline found herself out in public, standing awkwardly at the edge of a crowd. she was clutching at the edge of her skirt when someone collided with her, knocking her off-balance for just a moment. emmeline righted herself, immediately apologizing as if it had been her fault for being in their way instead of theirs for moving into her.

“sorry, so sorry. oh my goodness, I’m so sorry.”

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emmeline had been watching -- that was what she did. she was shy to a fault, and she moved through the world with wide open eyes taking in everything she could, memorizing and calculating the danger of whatever might happen. when she’d happened upon the other girl sitting with a sketchbook on her lap, she found herself waiting to see what she would draw, only she never actually drew anything, not until she had turned and caught emmeline staring. 

any other time, it probably have been enough to send emmeline scuttling away, but she could tell that it was just a brush off, and she was tired of being brushed off. besides, emmeline was many things, but weird was not one of them. 

“what are you drawing?”

Liv hadn’t realized that he had been staring at the sketch book for so long. She either didn’t know what to draw or forgot how to, probably in between. She had a lot of feelings about her surrounding that she could not exactly placed it whether it was leaning towards the bad side or the good. She was not sure if it was better to feel neutral or worse. Feeling the frustration creeping up her throat, she looked up from her sketchbook with a little hope she would find some inspiration. Instead, she found some fella who was doing something that spark an annoyance from her. Although, she was more annoyed with what she feel than what the other was doing. “Uhm, could you please be weird somewhere? Thanks.” Liv said and sighed as she started doing feathery strokes on the paper.

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the mornings were safe. every time emmeline left her shelter of a house, there were people around, lots of people, more people than emmeline felt comfortable being around. but in the mornings, when it was dark and almost light, she knew that most people were still asleep, still tucked away in their dwellings, and that was when she felt like she could explore the environment.

only she had guessed wrong, and now she had apparently intruded on the private musings of someone who shouldn’t have been awake. in her attempt to back away slowly, she stepped on a twig, the snap of it giving her away. when the other person spun, emmeline was still grimacing, but she recognized her neighbor, someone who lived close by. 

“it’s just me. just me. I was going. I’ll go. I’m sorry. I thought... I’ll go.”

            a cigarette - if only she could have just one. sabine wanders the misty waters of a small pond at dawn, watching the sun rise on the virtual island she now calls home. at least, for the time being. an hour. that’s all her body spends asleep in the real world. but down here, or wherever they are, it will feel like centuries. one day has already felt like years to the her.

           a twig snaps.  her body reels at the thought of someone trespassing on her private moment, a look of pure anguish covering her features. “show yourself !”

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emmeline hadn’t seen the new guy around before. it was funny to think that, both that he was new, and that she hadn’t seen him. she wasn’t much older, hadn’t been around in the area for more than a few days, and she probably was actually younger than him. still, it wasn’t as if she had been out socializing and meeting people. she simply made herself scarce, mostly staying inside her house until she had to leave to get food, and even then she barely spoke to anyone.

but she watched people, and she was watching him now, at least until she noticed that she’d been staring and he was staring back at her. emmeline wished that she could sink into the ground and momentarily, she was caught up in wondering if something like that could actually happen here if she tried hard enough. by the time she came back to herself, he was in front of her, speaking to her. 

she shook her head, swallowing. “oh. it’s okay. I’m sorry too, same. in my head. you know.”

     the sun hangs high in the sky when graham finally exits the home given to him by the technical age. he feels the breeze on his skin, the part of him still sure that he’s in a machine somewhere almost disappearing with the wind. birds sing, bugs dance, clouds float lazily in the sky. if he didn’t know any better, he’d say he was back home.

     h o m e. of course, home is too far away, now. he starts down the steps of the small cabana, headed for the main market, eyes staring blankly ahead. he only realizes when he’s arrived that he’s been staring at someone the entire time. “s-sorry,” he waves, “not staring just, in my head a little bit.”

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[saccharinesugars-blog]

I am angry that I starved my brain and that I sat shivering in my bed at night instead of dancing or reading poetry or eating ice cream or kissing a boy or maybe a girl with gentle lips and strong hands.

Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls (via larmoyante)

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about emmeline

hi hello, I’m gem, and I write emmeline, the sugar spun angel of my heart. see all of her info under the read more (note: physical/emotional abuse mention).

emmeline grew up in the perfect family -- she had the perfect parents and the perfect little brother and they all lived in the perfect house. she was well-behaved and did well enough in school to never disappoint her parents. emmeline was always quiet and shy, but she was popular due to her sweet and vulnerable nature. her family was wealthy and she was included in the popular crowd from the time she was small. she was a cheerleader and was voted homecoming queen alongside her boyfriend of eight months, the stereotypical captain of the football team. 

her life was touched by grace, but not everything was as perfect as it seemed to outsiders. 

when emmeline was a child, her life was about as near as perfect as it could have been. when she was in middle school, her father was promoted at his job, and what should have been something to celebrate became a source of constant stress. her father became surly and began taking out his irritation on his family, snapping at them and berating them for any noise they made while he was trying to work. emmeline, quiet to begin with, sank into the shadows, but her brother max wasn’t as inclined to silence. while emmeline’s father would often ignore her or knowingly intimidate her, he never put a hand on her. max wasn’t so lucky and would often end up physically pushed aside or slapped when he got too loud. at first, emmeline’s mother tried to protect her children but it was easier for her to lose herself in a bottle of wine than to call attention to herself. eventually she completely stopped trying, and the entire de vaux family learned how to best navigate their patriarch’s moods.

shortly before the end of her senior year, when emmeline was seventeen, her brother max came home late for curfew. their father was already fired up about something completely unrelated, and his temper completely unraveled. though her father would later swear it was an accident, emmeline was standing in front of her door when her father pushed max against the bannister. she saw him do it, and while he maybe wasn’t trying to throw max over, that was exactly what happened. the paramedics said that because of the way he landed on his head, he didn’t feel any pain, but emmeline was haunted by the look of fear on his face as he fell.

emmeline didn’t stick around for the trial -- she knew her father’s lawyers would try to call her in his defense. as soon as she graduated, she left town. she has spent the last year running from town to town, living in her car and saving every bit of money she could to pay for gossamer.

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this is an excerpt from PHANTOM PAIN written by CAITLIN CONLON

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“Big Dork” -@amandlastenberg

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One of the most gorgeous books I own