sabsbolger

[sabsbolger]

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Between finishing off my quarter with a 3.8 GPA and now hitting nine months until I graduate and starting on progesterone and letrozole for my first round of infertility medicine, this last month has been a whirlwind.

To start off, the progesterone was supposed to force a period, and it didn’t do that. The first letdown of this first cycle. I got the go ahead after waiting two weeks for spontaneous bleeding to start the letrozole. Finished my first round of 2.5 letrozole on the 7th and now have been waiting for ovulation. My app tells me tomorrow is the day but these LH sticks aren’t getting any darker. We will see what tomorrow brings. I have a feeling I won’t be ovulating like I’m supposed too. I have a progesterone draw on the 21st to determine my ovulation status — shall keep you updated.

I saw a post on Instagram that said “Infertility is...” Infertility is praying everyday you spontaneously get the positive LH/HCG. Infertility is feeling so alone in such a huge community of women also struggling. Infertility is feeling guilty for being upset that your first round may or may not work while other women have been trying for years. Infertility is waking up grouchy, apologizing later to your spouse and crying because you were stopped at a red light. Emotions are flowing with no end in sight. Infertility is feeling slight cramping and hoping your eggs are releasing, having spotting and praying it’s implantation bleeding. Infertility is a beast that you never expect to happen to you until it does and you are now stuck in this mind game of chronic and new found anxiety.

A waiting game... I am now apart of the endless waiting game that feels like monopoly after you’ve been playing for four hours. Nothing but pure agony and stress... I feel for all the women around me that are going through this same feeling. I would not wish infertility on my worst enemy. Stay positive my loves. We will get our babe ❤️

[sabsbolger]

Chronic state of anxiety

Everyday is the day that I hope I will get pregnant and grow a little baby.

I am currently in my OB clinical for nursing school and it has been bittersweet to say the least. I am watching mom's deliver babies, working with postpartum moms and their newborns and watching over babies in the NICU and to say that I love it would be less than the truth. I do like watching babies be born and watching the bond between a new mom and her child but there is something that just doesn't sit right with me. I learned about an 18 year old patient who had given birth to her third baby (first two were a set of twins) and this patient wasn't particularly thrilled to be with her newly born baby. It truly saddens me to see parent's not bonding appropriately with their babies for the fact that baby needs that skin to skin contact and there must be something magical there for the mom too. It's so interesting how this world works and how some of the most fit parents and loving couples would kill to get pregnant and have that experience while those who should not necessarily procreate, can get pregnant by just looking at their spouse. This world works in mysterious ways.

On top of being surrounded by constant education and knowledge of babies and laboring mothers, I am debilitated with the constant want and desire to get pregnant, have a baby and just get that positive pregnancy test. I am crippled with anxiety, all of the time, just to want to test even though I already know what the answer is going to be. I am very open with my friends and coworkers about what is happening in my body and I have been told numerous times that "it will happen, just be patient", "your body naturally ovulates so I don't know what the problem is", and continuous negativity and misunderstanding about what is going through my mind when I talk about wanting a baby. The desire to have a child is much greater than any desire I have in my life. I would give up nursing school if I had to choose between the two and that burning desire really is not understood by anyone unless they feel the same way. The back of my mind is so focused on the simple fact that I am going to struggle with this and I don't know how to fix it. I feel for those around me that are silently struggling with infertility because infertility is a BITCH. I am here for you all and know what you are working with. We are not alone.

Small rant of the day. Same shit different day. That's all for now.

[sabsbolger]

Real Feels of Infertility

Dealing with a possible diagnosis of lean PCOS amongst other stressors in life, it really becomes one more mountain I must climb over in this lifetime. I never would have thought infertility would be in my hand of cards, but here we are. Having elevated testosterone and a lack of regular period cycles are really my only signs that PCOS may rear it's ugly head. I am not overweight, generally speaking, I do not grow hair in weird places at abnormally fast rates and I don't have super heavy periods or aggressive cramping. It was really never a thought of mine that PCOS may be occurring in my body. When I think about the I-word (I say this to less the blow of using the word infertility), I get upset, anxious and my heart begins to palpitate.

I always had a dream that I would become a nurse, get married, having a few kids and live the dream life. Never in my life would I imagine being married, 11 months away from graduation and now with the thought of children coming into the picture, it's not working the way I had planned. The use of medications to help my ovulation was a foreign topic to me. Although I see this occurring all over social media, TikTok and even my Glow period app was something I empathized other women for. Now that I am in their shoes, I really feel the meaning of wanting something so bad and not being able to attain this as easily as a lot of women.

According to my OB, I may or may not be ovulating(?) still in question. She gave me the option to use Letrozole once I decided I truly wanted to have babies and this medication would help that process along. It came with a sigh of relief knowing that a simple medication would help me conceive, but with that sigh of relief lingers the simple fact that infertility has consumed my life. I have become absolutely obsessed with the idea of having a baby and having a baby as soon as possible, because I am not getting any younger and these things really just get worse as you get older. I am so so sorry to every woman out there in the world that is struggling along side with me and those that may be truly infertile and have a proper diagnosis of PCOS, endo or anything related. I really have it easy when it comes to this topic and if all it takes is matching a cycle, taking some medications and here we are.... I shouldn't be complaining. Know that I am with you all and my heart truly goes to those who are struggling with infertility and conceiving.

[sabsbolger]

Ice Breaker

Hi, hello!

Let's start off like every class you have ever taken and start with getting to know each other.

My name is Sabrina and I am a 26 year old homebody, nursing student and newly made wife. I recently got married on December 20, 2020 and due to COVID, my husband and I got married in our kitchen, with our two dogs and immediately following, left for the airport and a quick trip to Vegas for what some might call, a "honeymoon". To say it was not my dream wedding would be an understatement, but what is there to do in the middle of a pandemic. We will happily be celebrating with our family and friends on our six month anniversary, which I'm quite excited about! More about me, I am in my last year of nursing school, 11 months to be exact, and I could not be more excited. I have spent the last 9 years working towards my BSN and I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Ultimately, I would love to obtain my doctorate degree and work as a trauma practitioner. Wishful thinking!

What else.... I live in a quaint little one bedroom apartment with my husband and two pups: Dudley and Blu. They are little monsters, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Why I am here: I have always thought about writing about my life as a coping mechanism for all the stress and anxiety I have built up between life, work, and school and I feel it's finally time. After getting married, the next step is obviously babies (for most and myself included) and it has recently been brought to my attention that this may be a more difficult task than anticipated for on top of working full time in a level one trauma center, going to school full time, maintaining my personal life with family and my wonderful husband, now I have the crippling anxiety of the all might I-word. That's infertility for those that don't know. I plan on updating about every factor that goes into being a nursing school and full time employee while also trying to conceiving and dealing with the beast that is pregnancy and ovulation.

Any who, enough about me. Follow along on this wild ride called married life of a homebody millennial.