s1ncewelastmet

[s1ncewelastmet]

i feel like coming back but migrating elsewhere

so if we're mutuals and you'd like to follow along let me know, keep shining as always <3

[s1ncewelastmet]

stripped down to the very core, dreary days, july rain. dancing whilst watching yourself in the mirror, mood lighting, reconnecting, making all the more effort to say yes, letting go of those who no longer serve, trying to keep the momentum going. trying trying trying. asking yourself: what do you see when you look at the sky? how does it feel to breathe in this air right now? how do you feel in this very moment? writing about what you see. right now i see rain drops on the window, shells scattered on the window sill, candles i rarely light, residues of my youth (blue-tack remnants on the walls, books collecting dust, a nail polish stain on the carpet). still thinking about the girl you left behind. daydream but keep moving forward. you are the vibe. talking to strangers on trains. hungry for stories, always. starting again when you need to. chasing softness. finding meaning in hidden corners. stripped back, nothing but you right now in this very moment. so much of the day looking at screens. you go to bed with tired eyes and a longing to be touched. some moments feel so far away now. like the last time you were touched, looking up at the stars in the sky, fuzzy with anticipation. distant dreams. you think about what it was like then, chasing a feeling that's long gone but telling yourself it will happen again. all in due time. for now, there's still you in this very moment. you who dances before bed and wakes up early to stretch and smiles knowing there's berries for breakfast.

[s1ncewelastmet]

Karen Beth - "Nothing Lasts"

a favourite <3

[s1ncewelastmet]

what's the song/who's the artist in the video you posted??

hello ! the song is called seis and it’s by map.ache, if you like it deffo check out the whole album (vom ende bis zum anfang) and also his other stuff and also the giegling record label, i can send you things i like if you’d like haha :-)

[s1ncewelastmet]

Lessons with Kiarostami

[s1ncewelastmet]

!!! 💚

[s1ncewelastmet]

"Changeable, accepting Merging water, moves fluidly from one form to another Easily transitioning from clouds to raindrop to sea Forever changing form but not essence Water passes through barriers that are impossible to cross in any other way Water knows no boundaries Indiscriminately merging with anything and everyone Water unifies It's in its nature to connect and merge Water is generous, sometimes a little too generous Overflowing with bounty and plеasant flood Yet a stable earthеn container or sea wall finds water committed to taking shape as a reflecting pool, cove, or lake Just as the sea refuses passage to no one Water accepts all who come its way Water accepts all walks of life And we gratefully surrender and open to this healing element"

[s1ncewelastmet]

it’s only recently i learnt that you have to dive underneath waves in order to not get swept away by them. i’d never before swam in such strong currents to warrant it, or at least not that i can remember. sometimes it feels like all i do is go through cycles of hyping myself up; of telling myself i can and i’m enough and i trust this path wholeheartedly and i’m healing and getting closer and learning and growing and leading with love. but then the morning turns into an empty afternoon and an even emptier night and it’s back to the beginning. i try to keep diving under but it gets tiring after a while. i give up or get swept away and sit back on the shore. i repeat the same patterns, write the same words and then get back up and walk towards the water, ready to start again with new-found energy. i may fall into the same habits and write the same words over and over again but i try and i’ll keep trying and that’s the beauty of it, that’s how i know.

[s1ncewelastmet]

<3

[s1ncewelastmet]

yesterday i texted P and told him i don’t want to message anymore. there i was sat in the library and hurriedly thinking i need to get this out right now or i won’t get it out at all, an impulse to just get it over with. i didn’t carefully craft a long message or search too deeply for the right words and now i’m kicking myself wishing i’d said more, wishing i conveyed that he means a lot to me and that i really truly wholeheartedly wish him all the best. but i need to give myself the best chance at moving on. for too long we’ve been holding onto threads and keeping doors open and refusing to set boundaries, too afraid to draw a line and cut cords. we kept it so we’d always be able to turn to the other, even as our lives went separate ways and i told myself he’s not my person anymore. but if that’s my decision then i need to make it properly. no more drifting in and out of each other’s lives, no more keeping him as a comfort blanket. it’s time for me to commit to my journey now and i want to give him a chance to commit to his too. so i spent the rest of yesterday feeling hollow and empty. i’d previously planned to find a nice spot to watch the moonrise but couldn’t bring myself to go outside. but when i was getting ready for bed and reached to close my blinds, there she was beaming at me in all her glory. like she knew i needed to see her, knew how much it would move and soothe me. all i know now is that i’ve made a decision and i owe it to myself (and him) to commit to it. 

[s1ncewelastmet]

6:34 to 7:05, in chronological order

[s1ncewelastmet]

here she comes !!

[s1ncewelastmet]

i light candles as i settle down to read in bed at night. i look forward to moments in the morning where i sit at my desk with pen, paper and a cup of coffee. i peek through my blinds as soon as i wake up to see how the sun is rising. and on days like today, where the sky is blue, i open them wide and allow myself to get excited. i look outside and dream. i write lists. i arrange shells on my window sill and feel less alone when i look at the stacks of books taking over the floor space in my room. i count the pages left in my journal and listen to ambient mixes. when the day’s in full swing, i remind myself of the plan. i play with the idea of reaching out to people from high school and look back on my younger self thinking you never would’ve imagined this! i daydream about getting lost in books and sometimes i do. i watch foreign films and dream. i look at the map with silver stars and dream. i read things i scribbled down many moons ago and dream. i remind myself that peace is just a deep belly breath away. i learnt that trees can give you energy. touch them, hug them, talk to them, trace the stories ingrained across their bodies with your fingers. such history there ! i pause whatever i’m listening to to listen to the birds and i smile when i look at the time and it’s still light out. the days are getting longer and i am getting bolder. i look back and smile, i look forward and smile, i sit with myself in this moment and smile. i light incense and play something from NTS and spend the first parts of the morning writing. i have faith that i’ve done it before so i’ll do it again. and i keep returning to the window, looking at the hills along the horizon, the lambs in the patch of green i can just about make out and the little fluffy clouds. 

[s1ncewelastmet]

Fire of Love (2022)

[s1ncewelastmet]

stories from trees

[s1ncewelastmet]

post-interview post-pint photo booth glow 

[s1ncewelastmet]

today i am thinking about the men i’m still carrying with me, the mostly unavailable men i keep falling for, and i want to let them go. of course, i don’t want the memories to go anywhere but i can feel them influencing decisions i make, feel them sending me into a spiral any time they reach out, feel them causing me to question myself. how many times do i have to remind myself that i should be first, that i should be living for me !! and i see them unapologetically putting themselves first, nurturing habits that are just for them and trusting themselves with such force and i want that. but how to let go and how to have that relationship with yourself? things take time and i’m telling myself to go back to the books, that this period of solitude could actually be a gift. i could work on myself, learn to be alone and finally take the time to listen. but still i ask myself how and still i search for answers from others when i know deep down they’re within myself.