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Dolphins between Shela and Kinyika Island

Moments like these humble me. Make me think deeply about our environment and how cruel and ignorant we are to it. Seeing these creatures of the sea just being free in their own habitat (I hope) makes you think how we must do better to protect and preserve our planet.

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Jua House, Shela, Lamu

Mozambican Dao sailing

November 2023

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cont. Purpose

What the hell happened to my love for music and dancing?

This must be a symptom of an issue much bigger...

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meaning in all things.

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Purpose

It's been a minute.

I crave for words. More so I crave for expression.

I feel they came to me easier before. Was there more clarity in my emotions. Maybe they were less complex. Maybe they were more singular at a time. It feels muffled now. The words are too far, hidden behind layers of unattended to feelings. Left with wanting to express but no medium to do so.

I want to talk about purpose. I want to feel purpose. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel rewarded, emotionally rewarded. I feel like a closed shell, it's looking pretty nice on the outside but it's feeling a bit empty on the inside. It's a different kind of loneliness when you are well aware of the loved ones in your life and yet feel alone. The loneliness is coming from within - I want to contain multitudes, but feel lacking in identity. Who am I? What are the characteristics that make me me? I feel like there was more to me. So here is the me I thought I was on the path to being:

She is sporty, she likes martial arts, not because she is competitive or combative but because she likes feeling strong and like she can protect herself. She is adventurous, always wanting to throw herself into new situations, new places, new neighborhoods - as much as she seemed the new experience it was the self-exploration that she loved about traveling. She wants to feel, she wants to be multitudes. She wants to work for a meaningful cause, she wants to contribute and be valuable to a meaningful cause. She never limited the scope but it needed to be something that helps the less privileged, the less heard, the environment. She is studious, she seeks knowledge, she wants to grow in all ways possible. She does not like arguing or debating - she likes reflecting perspectives, because how can there possibly be one truth in this day and age. She believes everyone is entitled to their opinion but no-one is entitled to enforce them on someone else. She wants to be driven and challenged and she wants to succeed in her eyes, her family's eyes and also in the eyes of those that surround her. She is a free spirit, she wants to embrace the goodness in life especially the small moments. She wants to romanticize the little things because all the little things make up a vast majority of our life. She loves her family, she wants to have a bring them together more often, she wants to host and be a person and place for others to come together and create memories. She loves nature, she wants to spend more time with nature, learn more about it, appreciate it more. But she also needs adrenaline, she needs the urgency to get things done., she needs to be put in challenging situations to figure them out and grow through them. As hard as they may be, they are a big source of her pride. She wants to share stories, she does feel like she has stories to share. She is particular, she has her own way of doing things, she is her own version of organized and chaotic at the same time. She loves aesthetic and she believes she has a really unique one though she wants more space to express it. She loves dancing, she wants to immerse herself in a type of dance and feel the energy. She wants bizarre experiences, not the expected ones that grant you the answer to 'oh, did you do that when you were there?' - she doesn't want to do those, she wants to find authenticity. She wants to celebrate the odd, astonishing, unique things of life that possibly get overlooked by others or are slowly disappearing. She wants to contain multitudes. She wants to live different lives, but not ones of escape, but ones of meaning, ones where you feel and give love. She wants laughter and silliness and ease of being - that is the essence of who she wants to be. She wants to be passionate, to feel deeply even if that comes both ways - good and bad. She wants to be present and she wants to love being present. She knows when to turn away from something that no longer serves her. She is not limited by what others believe or worse yet what she thinks others believe. She wants to feel free. Most of all she wants purpose - a cause and people that are important to her.

---

I feel I have lost sight of that purpose and I am not sure how to get to it.

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Imperfectly me.

I see my flaws, I sense them deeply, I know them thoroughly. I know their timing, I know their duration. I face them alone because company fuels them. Loved ones especially. I distance myself from the things that reflect the flaws back on to me. I can’t bare to see them in their eyes, though I know they don’t mean it that way. They sense my weight and so I sense it tripled. I have to fight it every time. The fear of failing. The fear of not being enough. Not good enough, not meeting expectations. Are we ever freed from insecurities? They come and go and when they go you think you have made it. And then they creep back. And I try to prolong it, to not meet them eye to eye. Inevitably the battle will come. It has to. And hopefully this time it doesn’t last long. And hopefully this time I will fight them off for good...or at least for a long long long time.

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In my mind you are a thousand colors and a million shades of each color.

Instant Thoughts.

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Live in a world of make believe long enough to believe it is real. Maybe that is the best we can do.

ThoughtsOfToday

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Mood.

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The satire of moments. Imminent in past, instinctive in present and infinite in future. Moments have already happened, have already existed before you know them, before you know how you will react in them. Once they do, you can’t imagine them never having happened. 

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Permanent things collide with temporary things.

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Moments. Simple moments. Grand moments.

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since birth, we are taught something from our environment from school from society we aren't born with th standard we are taught the standard we are taught we aren't enough the way we are we are taught change is hard change is simply a fact do not conform just be the new conformity

nhung hoang

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You are my Panda. Forever and always. I hope.

Thoughts that matter

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Indulge...

"Indulge her when she is happy and cheery and chatty. But pass her quickly with a mumbled hello when she is quite, hollow and vulnerable. Convenience first - take her at her best and most exciting, but look the other way when she isn’t putting on her strong facade. But who are you stranger, to indulge in the things you don’t understand, the things you don’t see? Can she blame you, aren’t you doing the same? You stranger, feed her extremes, you turn her happiness into Ecstasy and her quietness into insecurity. When are you going to look past both and understand her?"

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resurfacing or drowning?

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And I rise up. I rise like the day. I rise unafraid. I rise up and I do it a thousand times again.