ryanlewisandclark

[ryanlewisandclark]

i am allowed to need and accept help

i am allowed to need and accept help

i am allowed to need and accept help

i am allowed to need and accept help

i am allowed to need and accept help

keep saying it until you believe it

i am allowed to need and accept help

[ryanlewisandclark]

it’s deeply annoying that more of my life’s problems can’t be solved with stabbing.

[ryanlewisandclark]

Hey, you:

You are a terrible and wondrous thing made from the bones of dead stars and the emptiness between atoms.

Please stop being a passive participant in your own experience of your self.

I love you.

[ryanlewisandclark]

in the vein of "how do you stay safe from getting sick", I wanna say that something I always noticed as a kid was that a lot of the time when I went to people's houses and we would leave at some point to the mall or the park or something and then come back home…I don't remember any of them washing their hands when we got back inside. they'd just immediately lead me back to their room or the living room or something, and then I'd feel incredibly self-conscious about going to their bathroom to wash my own hands. and I always thought it was absolutely bizarre because the way I was raised, the first thing you do when you come back home after taking your shoes and jacket off is go wash your hands. it's common sense. why on planet earth would you not wash your hands. you've just been touching a hundred public surfaces that could have anything on them and you think as soon as you set foot in your own house all the germs you've picked up just evaporate? it's absolutely insane to me to know that so many people don't bother washing their hands. WASH YOUR HANDS.

[ryanlewisandclark]

Are you a boy or a girl?

I’m incompetent.

[ryanlewisandclark]

Written to a friend, on January 25 of this year:

“i found four grey hairs on my left temple last night.

not sure how to explain the experience of evidence of survival as someone whose expectation has always been to leave the party early, so to speak.

gratitude, perhaps, is the least effusive, most concise. overwhelm is not inaccurate. words i don’t know in other languages for feelings that haven’t moved through me before, whose faces are familiar like old friends and glaciers.

whatever the simplest way to say thank you is in this moment. i want to mean it that way when i say it.

i’m glad to still be here.”

there is life after survival. there are lights in the darkness. we are marvelous creatures who change and age and fade and deepen and expand. marvel at it, don’t recoil.

I will never understand the hate for grey hairs. Your hair has sliver in it now. You have the color of stars on your hair. You have proof you survived and grew up. You have proof you are living. How is any of this bad?

[ryanlewisandclark]

I will never understand the hate for grey hairs. Your hair has sliver in it now. You have the color of stars on your hair. You have proof you survived and grew up. You have proof you are living. How is any of this bad?

[ryanlewisandclark]

don’t really enjoy being fragile

[ryanlewisandclark]

“I’m terrified of singin’ my fears.

What if God doesn’t listen?

What if he doesn’t care?”

-Dave Armstrong, “Jesus in the Ring”

[ryanlewisandclark]

i have been a ghost, haunting my own stories.

i want to rematerialize, to feel my self again.

[ryanlewisandclark]

ill take it, but to be honest im kinda tired of just making it through the year. think it would be nice to make something of the year. maybe this year just making it through is enough, but i want to believe in the future and i want more from it than that.

[ryanlewisandclark]

Hey.

I love you.

I hope your discomfort eases.

I hope your worries pass away.

I hope there is joy and warmth and light in your days.

I hope there is rest and comfort and peace in your evenings.

I hope the night holds you close.

I hope the morning finds you hoping.

May tomorrow make us closer.

May tomorrow make us free.

[ryanlewisandclark]

i cannot punish myself in any way that will unmake the past.

i cannot hate myself into a version of me i will love.

[ryanlewisandclark]

i cannot hate myself into a version of me i will love.

[ryanlewisandclark]

how do you handle insecurity when there’s nothing to actually be insecure about? it’s not going to fall apart. im not going to break it. this is what i wanted, chose. it was the right choice. being confronted with how to process and accommodate for a future i never expected to make it to. maybe that’s why things are such a mess and why old bad habits are fighting so hard. don’t like it. want to feel better. don’t know how.

[ryanlewisandclark]

'this too shall pass' well can it pass fucking faster??

[ryanlewisandclark]

“And I have a problem, with drinking

And trouble feeling good about myself

And I thought it’d be easier when I got old

But darling it hasn’t helped”

- Medium Build, Movie Stars.