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rwrb-uncut · 8 months

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losing grips on sinking ships (you showed up just in time)

Henry thought himself a fool, really, for thinking he could have pulled it off.

For thinking he could have navigated through life today feeling as terrible as he did without Alex noticing. Without Alex worrying.

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just a lil something about how henry cares for alex and how alex cares for henry

find me on ao3 for more! : https://archiveofourown.org/users/rwrb_uncut/pseuds/rwrb_uncut

***

Henry thought himself a fool, really, for thinking he could have pulled it off.

For thinking he could have navigated through life today feeling as terrible as he did without Alex noticing. Without Alex worrying.

And the last thing he wanted to do was cause Alex any more stress, with finals next week and his mock trial scheduled for Monday. Henry knew that it was a lot to handle, even for Alex. He had been having trouble remembering to eat lately, remembering to take study breaks, to drink enough water, to wash his hair – and Henry did not mind filling in these gaps. He jumped at the chance to, even. Alex was his whole world, he would do anything to make sure that the love of his life was happy and healthy and sated. Seeing Alex work so hard for something he's wanted for so long, it made Henry proud to even know him, let alone share his bed.

So Henry found himself doting on Alex a little more than usual over the last few weeks – but how could he not? It was Alex . He took care to pack him a balanced lunch with extra snacks every day, topping them with goofy little notes he knew would make him smile. He also tried to have dinner ready and waiting for Alex when he came home – more often than not Henry would end up taking the car to the library and dropping it off to him. He'd give Alex a kiss on the cheek and Alex would give him a bashful apology that Henry would brush off, smiling up at him.

“Probably be a late night again tonight, sorry Hen,” he'd murmur into Henry's ear, hugging him close outside of the library.

“S'okay, study hard, darling. You're gonna ace this one,” Henry would reply, pulling away but letting their entwined fingers stay linked for a few moments longer.

And when Alex would come home in the early hours of the morning, his keys jingling in the lock, Henry would perk right up from bed and meet him downstairs. He'd help Alex shrug off his jacket, unlace his shoes, and pepper his face with feather-light kisses as the taller man leaned into his touch. He'd take Alex's wrist and pull him upstairs, into their ridiculously large shower where he would run gentle hands into Alex's hair, over his broad shoulders, around the gentle curve of his hips. Alex would sag against him as he did so, his head bowing so his forehead could fully rest on Henry's shoulder. And when he was fresh and clean, Henry would grab two huge towels from the towel warmer he got as a prank gift from Pez last Christmas. Joke was on Pez, though, because he used it nearly every chance he got – he was sure there were few worldly pleasures as comforting as a warm towel after a hot shower.

Starting at Alex's head, he would towel off the excess water dampening his dark curls and lovingly pat his face dry. Working his way down his body, he'd move from his chest to his thighs to his shins, dropping kisses every so often. Just because he could. He made sure every inch of his boy was cradled safely within his hands, from head to toe. Safe in their little brownstone in Brooklyn, where Henry could kiss and caress and cling to Alex's shoulders as much as he wanted. Where he could protect him from the worries of the world and its obligations, if only for a few moments.

Then he'd dress Alex in worn pajamas (he really should buy him a new set, these old ones were beginning to get a little too worn) and let him brush his teeth and wash his face in comfortable silence.

“Don't have to do all of this for me, baby,” Alex would chide every once in a while, but Henry would shake his head knowingly and ignore him.

“Don't have to, I just want to,” he would whisper back, not wanting to break the little bubble of quiet they had. Not just yet.

And then they'd fall into bed, Henry slotting himself underneath Alex's chin, pressed tightly to his chest with one leg thrown over Alex's hip. Sighing heavily, he’d collapse into Alex’s warm side and feel his eyes finally be pulled close by sleep. Henry never really slept much, not until Alex, and his body had become so acquainted with the feel of warm skin and toned muscle under him that he was most definitely spoiled now. The idea of falling asleep without his boy next to him in bed was almost laughable.

“Goodnight, darling,” Henry would whisper into Alex's collarbone, his lips brushing over the skin there. Inhaling the clean scent of citrus and pine, and something a little muskier, something so inherently Alex that he would never be able to describe properly.

“Love how you care for me, baby. Love you so much,” Alex would mumble into Henry's hair, pressing a kiss there.

“And I love you, Alex.”

For the most part that was Henry's routine, in between meetings with Pez and charity functions and royal duties from abroad. He even managed to find time to do little things for Alex that had slipped from his distracted mind, like reorganizing their closet and deep cleaning their home, one room at a time. He wanted to do these things for Alex, for them , but he knew he couldn't do it all, not for long. He felt himself slowing down over the past week or so, his mind becoming a little fuzzy at the edges. Sleep evaded him now, even when Alex was home, and he knew a bad day was brewing just on the horizon.

And on a dreary, cold Friday in early December, Henry was proven right.

He woke with a migraine, digging in deep behind his eyelids and pressing at what felt like the very center of his brain. Before he even opened his eyes he knew it was going to be a long day. Feeling around the bedsheets, he was met with cold fabric, the only thing lingering was the smell of his husband. He groaned, rolling over and pressing his face into Alex's pillow. God, he couldn't wait for exams to be over so he could have his husband back, curled up next to him under their duvet in their home.

Just one more week. One more.

Henry was just about to roll back over and dive under the covers when he heard his phone start ringing on the nightstand. Blearily, he made a desperate grab for it, not even looking over at the table and sliding the phone icon to the right to answer.

“Haz! I'm on my way over, should be there in 15! Do you want a cuppa or have you had yours already?”

Pez. He forgot he had a 9AM meeting with him and the mayor’s team in hopes to convince them to build another shelter. Glancing at the clock, Henry jumped as he registered the time. 8:11 AM.

“God, sorry Pez I must have overslept, oh God, give me just a moment to – ” Henry nervously babbled as he scrambled out of bed, bumping his shin rather hard on the bedframe. He cringed as the pain made his headache intensify, and soon he was doubled over in the middle of his room, white knuckling his phone with Pez cackling from over the line.

“Well well, Alex keep you up all night? That wanker! Take your time Henry, I'll have breakfast waiting for you!” Pez replied as Henry slowly stood to his full height.

Resigned, Henry mumbled, “Thank you Pez, so sorry. I'll be ready, see you soon.”

“You better be, H, it's a big day! Wear something nice!” And with that, Pez hung up, leaving the room eerily silent.

Henry sped through his skincare routine, skipping a few steps and working in the dark so as to not agitate his migraine any more than necessary. He threw back a few of his meds and swallowed them dry which was a terrible decision but he didn't have the sense today to think things through. Pulling a dark blue suit out of their closet, he dressed quickly, figuring he would style his hair in the car if need be. He stuffed a jar of his expensive hair pomade into his pocket and brushed his teeth, then finished his look with a tie and his new dress shoes. He had no idea how he looked but he felt a mess -- a sweaty, pale, quivering mess.

As if on cue, he heard a car honk downstairs and staggered dangerously down the stairs, only pausing to put on his coat and grab his keys and wallet. His phone was left forgotten in their bedroom, tangled up somewhere in the bedsheets.

Exiting the brownstone was another feat within itself - even with an overcast morning the sky was too bright, and Henry gasped in pain, pinching the bridge of his nose. He locked up carefully, taking a little too long, and walked to the car at the end of his walkway.

“You look like shit man, you alright?” Pez asked once he got situated inside the car. Henry grimaced, taking a small sip from his tea. It should have tasted like relief but instead it immediately turned his stomach – he shouldn't have taken his migraine meds without having breakfast first.

“No, not really. Not feeling… good today,” Henry mumbled, and as he said it he took inventory of what exactly he meant. Sure, he was tired, and sure, he was feeling a bit burned out, but he felt not good down to his very being today. He knew the migraine was from overextending himself for far too long, but the cloud of sadness he can usually keep at bay was hanging over him. Wrapping around his shoulders, enveloping him completely. He felt too heavy.

Pez nodded knowingly. “Anything I can do to help?”

Henry shook his head softly, feeling his brain rattle around at even the faintest movement. Pez frowned at him, his eyes wide and understanding. “Just this meeting this morning, and then we're bringing you right back home. Sound good, babes?”

At that, Henry's heart stuttered. “No no, I can handle this afternoon's lineup, Pezza. Just had a s;ow start today, is all.”

Pez laughed at that, and the sheer volume of it made Henry wince. “Haz, no bull with me, alright? I know a bad day when I see one.”

Henry deflated, knowing he wasn't going to be able to fool his best friend. “Ok, Pez, ok – you're right. I think I'm just… a little tired. Sleep would be good.”

Pez reached for his hand then, where it lay, cold and clammy, on his right thigh. He squeezed it gently. “Then sleep you shall have. We'll get you through this morning, H.”

And, somehow, they did. Henry was able to pull it together enough to last through their meeting, which went well past lunchtime when it was supposed to end at 11AM. But it was somewhat of a success, as the officials were in favor of their plan sans one, who fought Pez and Henry every step of the way. He was the reason the meeting ran long, questioning every part of the proposal and trying desperately to poke holes in their work. Fortunately his fellow officials were able to convince him to shut his mouth, but it was quite a draining experience for everyone.

By the end of it, Henry was on the verge of tears, his head throbbing and his social battery very much so in the negative. He wanted to go home and sleep and disappear under a mound of blankets – all of a sudden everything was just too much . He felt his hands shaking as they played nervously with his wedding ring on their walk back to the car. Pez was chattering on about something with his driver, but Henry could barely register what the topic even was. He felt very far away, and very lost, and very scared. Somewhere in his rational mind he knew that it was his anxiety settling in, making him feel isolated and afraid, that depression had been clawing at his door for weeks now and had finally managed to slip in under the mat today.

“ -at, right Haz?” Pez asked, bringing Henry back to himself slightly. He nodded slowly, slightly confused, and Pez pursed his lips slightly at him but said nothing.

The rest of the ride was a blur, and before he knew it Henry was standing at his front door, opening the lock with shaky hands. And try as he might, he couldn't get the key into the lock, his body suddenly failing him and making him feel even more frustrated. Out of left field a hand reached out and covered his. He heard someone talking, soothing and quiet, and then Pez was standing next to him and opening the door, bringing Henry inside. He felt like he was underwater, only coming up every so often to hear or see something before being pulled right back under.

He was pushed backward, and suddenly he was in his own bed, stripped down to his undershirt but still in his slacks. His shoes were gone, and a warm cup was being pressed into his hands. Tea. It was his cuppa from this morning, still mostly untouched, warmed up again. Pez must have warmed it up for him, but when did he do that?

He took a drink of his tea and shuddered at the warmth. He hadn’t realized he was cold until now. Taking another sip, he resurfaced to hear Pez talking worriedly in the distance.

“ – like this, Alex. I'm worried about him, he said he wasn't feeling good this morning but now he's like a zombie.”

There was a brief pause, and Henry hurt to hear the panic in Pez's voice. He didn't want to make anyone worry. He didn't want that. He wanted to help.

“Alright, I'll stay with him until then. Try to make him get some sleep, he looks like right shit today.”

And then Henry was closing his eyes again and falling back under the waves. He felt the cup removed from his hands only because the warmth suddenly disappeared, and then he was all wrapped up in their duvet and staring at the ceiling. A hand was in his hair, petting his golden strands softly, and there was a soft rumble in the distance.

Suddenly, Henry harnessed the strength to say something. With a croaky voice, he started, “Pez, 'm sorry.”

The hand in his hair stopped. “Henry, babes, what for?”

“This morning. The meeting.”

Pez chuckled at that, which was not what Henry was expecting to happen. That wasn't a joke, why was Pez laughing? “You do too much sometimes, Haz. Just sleep a little, okay babes? Take a rest. You've more than earned it.”

Henry hummed, which only made the dull thudding of his brain more intense. He felt the pain vibrate through his body, reverberating off of his bones and his very being.

Time passed, he was not sure how much, but Pez was talking again, and Henry opened his eyes to a dark room with the shades drawn. His head felt marginally better, just weakly throbbing, but maybe that was also because he hadn't moved in a while. Then, his ears picked up another voice, and his heart swelled instantly because he knew that voice. Alex was home.

“ – upstairs. He might still be asleep, but you can peek in. If you need anything, just give me a ring,” Pez filtered through the white noise filling Henry's ears, the door downstairs opening and closing. Calculated footsteps on the stairs and then Henry was face to face with a very concerned Alex.

And the thing with Henry was, he wanted to be there for everyone all of the time. He wanted to help, he wanted to do good, he wanted to go above and beyond for everyone. But he still had ingrained in him that he needed to suppress his own needs, that he wasn't allowed to accept help from others. He was working on it, he really was, but things were easier said than done, especially unlearning 26 years of self-suppression. Of putting his own needs last.

So when Alex opened the door and walked into their room, for the first time in possibly forever, Henry was scared. Not of Alex, but of what state he would find Henry in. What he would think. If he would leave.

Breathless, Alex spoke. “Hen, what happened? Meeting not go well?”

Henry frowned, his insides churning. “No, was fine.”

“Just fine? Pez said it was a hell of a fight today, said you were feeling a little down after.”

“Yeah,” Henry agreed quietly, not really sure what he was saying.

Alex flicked on the overhead light then and Henry audibly whimpered, screwing his eyes shut quickly. He felt ridiculous, a flash of light reducing him to a sniffling mess in the bedsheets. The light went off once more, but Henry kept his eyes closed, the pain behind his eyelids back in full force. “Oh baby, you got a migraine today?” Alex asked, finally getting what was going on. “Why didn't you tell anyone, Hen?

The blonde man sighed. “Didn't think it'd be this bad,” and he was telling the truth, he really didn't think it'd be this bad. He knew it was going to be a weird day, a hard day even, but he didn't think he wouldn't be able to finish it without Pez assigning him mandatory bed rest and calling Alex on him. He was a grown man, couldn't he handle a little headache every now and then?

Sometimes it was still hard to get the harsh voice of Gran out of his head, chiding him for having needs. For having feelings. For needing a break.

“Henry, baby, come here. Sit up so we can get some comfy clothes on you,” Alex whispered, and then he felt a body crawling up the bed to hover over Henry's. He dared to open his eyes then and was met with two chocolate irises, thick with worry, and it made Henry's stomach flip. Alex grinned, all soft and only for Henry. “There you are, Hen. Missed that face.”

Despite the resurgence of pain, Henry was melting even more. God, he loved this man.

“Wanna get ready for bed, darling? Can I touch you?”

Henry nodded slowly, and then Alex was maneuvering his undershirt off, slipping instead a grey NYU sweatshirt over his head as Henry worked his arms into the sleeves and pulled it down to completely engulf his abdomen. He reached down to undo his slacks and Alex pulled those off, working his way down the bed. He placed a kiss on the inside of Henry's knee as he did so and Henry suddenly felt tears spring to his eyes.

In a moment of clarity, Henry remembered the pyjamas that he ordered to replace Alex’s old ones. He looked down from the head of the bed at his husband, still wearing jeans, a tight-fitting black t-shirt and -- his coat, even? Alex hadn’t even put his things down when he came home, just ran right up to Henry. He felt his heart squeeze and blood rush to his cheeks. Alex held his gaze, trying to gauge where Henry’s head was at. He must have looked rather ridiculous, in a sweatshirt and his pants, half-wrapped up in their bed covers with squinted eyes and a red face.

“What is it, baby?” Alex asked, still holding Henry’s left ankle in his right hand. He smiled down at him, his eyes crinkling at the corners and god Henry wished he felt well enough to get right up and kiss him.

Henry tried to smile back, but it must have looked more like a grimace. “Got you some new pyjamas, they’re -- in the closet.”

And with that, Alex’s face melted and he climbed back up the bed, his arms on either side of Henry’s face. His lips pressed once to Henry’s, innocently, and then again to Henry’s forehead. He sighed, feeling his husband’s lips on his skin, relishing in it. “Thank you, Hen. So thoughtful of you, princess,” he murmured, before pulling back to get Henry’s pyjamas as well as his new ones.

Once Henry’s pyjama bottoms were properly on, navy blue with cartoon beagles printed all over, Alex found his hands in the sheets and helped pull him to his feet. Wavering slightly, Alex moved one hand to the small of his back, pressing him closer to his own chest. He felt Alex's eyes on his own face and looked down to avoid them, inspecting one of the cartoon beagles wearing a sunhat and glasses. He knew the love he would find in Alex’s eyes would be overwhelming.

“Bad day today, Henry?”

And Alex. He just knew. It all clicked into place for him suddenly; Henry overworking himself with the charities and fundraisers, doing the absolute most for Alex to make sure he was handling finals week well, reorganizing and keeping busy at home with little things he didn't need to fuss over. Alex had been busy, hardly home enough to sleep let alone see Henry properly, so it had been difficult to document. He was going and going and going without a second thought, and it finally seemed to catch up with him. Well, not catch up with him as much as stop him entirely, starting with his migraine.

Henry grimaced. “Yeah, bad day.”

And then Alex was encircling him in his arms, one hand snaking up to hold at the nape of Henry's neck while the other remained on his back. Henry raised his arms up to cling to Alex's shoulders, burying his face into the crook of the other man's neck. He let a few tears fall, and Alex in response scratched at Henry's scalp lightly. “S'alright, Hen, don't have to be big and brave. I'm here.”

Henry made a strangled noise at that, feeling the tension in his shoulders subsiding as Alex ran his hand up and down his spine. They stood like that for a while until Alex turned his head to kiss Henry's temple, coaxing him toward their bathroom.

Later, wrapped up in the duvet and also in each other, Alex holding Henry's hand in his own on his chest, pressing kisses to anywhere he can reach, Henry comes back to himself a little. He's exhausted, and still feeling incredibly anxious, but he doesn't have a locked jaw or a blinding pain behind his eyes as much. Alex had forced some water and jaffa cakes into him, and while it wasn’t much, it was more sustenance than he had had all day. They were both in their sleep clothes now even though it was early in the night, barely 7:30 PM. Initially Alex had went to turn on a movie but he took one look at the dark circles under Henry’s eyes and thought better of it -- maybe an early night would be good for both of them.

Henry clears his throat, breaking the silence, and Alex is already on full alert. “I didn't want you. To worry about me. But it seems as though that happened anyway,” he said, disjointedly, as if he had to force the words out.

Alex knit his eyebrows together in confusion. “Didn’t want me to worry? Henry, you’re my favorite thing to worry about. What do you mean?”

“I. I just know it’s been a lot for you, with exams and school and your studies. I didn’t want to pile on.”

“You,” Alex started, “could never ‘pile on’. Exams and school, baby, that’s nothing. What matters is you, and if you’re needing something, anything, I will drop anything I’m doing to help you.”

Henry gulped. “What if… I don’t need something, or anything? What if I just. Need you? I can’t ask you to just disregard yo-” Alex cut him off with a kiss, sliding his tongue along Henry’s bottom lip.

“What part of ‘I’d drop anything for you’ do you not understand, princess? I said what I said, and I mean it,” and how Alex said it, so earnestly and so forcefully, well, Henry felt like maybe he could begin to believe him.

The room was silent for a few moments before Alex spoke again.

“I love you. Not like anything or anyone I’ve ever loved, Henry. I mean that,” he whispered into Henry’s ear, shifting so he was fully on his side facing his husband. “And when people love you they care for you, and worry about you, and I know that’s difficult to accept sometimes but I’m gonna just keep reminding you. Let me care about you Henry, please.”

“And I love you. But it’s so hard to ask for help,” Henry mumbled, looking at Alex through suddenly wet lashes. “I don’t think I’m wired to work like that, darling.”

“And people rewire things all the time, it’s just a learning curve. It’s gonna take time, but you’ll get there. I’ll help you, I’ll always help you, I promise.”

And there was just something in the way Alex was speaking, how he always spoke, with such finality that he could convince anyone of anything. He was a born leader through and through, which was one of the things Henry loved most about him. Never wavering, always leading Henry out of the dark as if it were the easiest thing in the world.

Henry pressed his forehead to Alex’s, their noses touching. He took a deep breath in and whispered back, “Okay. I. I will try. For you.”

Alex grinned, all toothy and wild, unlinking their fingers to run his hand up and down Henry’s arm. The gentle motion was making Henry feel incredibly sleepy, and he gave in to it, his body losing all tension as it relaxed into the mattress, into Alex.

“There we go, Hen. Just get some rest, I’ll be right here.”

“You better be,” Henry chided, “Can’t sleep without you.”

Alex chuckled. “Promise, I’m stuck to you for the foreseeable future. You’ll have to send me away to get some alone time.”

“Don’t want any alone time, just want you,” Henry mumbled, feeling himself drift off.

Even with his eyes closed, he could feel Alex smile. “Then you’ll have me.”