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10/15

Back from Seattle. I feel low. I had no energy all day today. Got called to stay home from work. Did nothing productive at all.

Went to Costco, jewel, and target. Didn’t even make my lunch. I’m about to go to bed. I have an appointment on Friday and about $1000 in unpaid doctor bills. My credit usage is high.

I shouldn’t worry. I do though. But for what? I can control what I can but I don’t know sometimes. I’m having a hard time explaining what’s going on in my head and body.

My headaches are still here. I’m still a slight hypochondriac. I over analyze many feelings that I can’t explain. It takes up a lot of space in my thoughts.

I’m happy to be back home but I feel an emptiness. My dad is in Louisiana for my uncles funeral. I don’t know if that’s contributing to it.

I’m exhausted.

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Currents

I’m struggling. The past week of work has been miserable. I come home with ringing in my ears. My head is in constant pain. The pain varies, but it’s consistent for the ENTIRE day. Oh and the dizziness. I’m always off balance and now uncoordinated.

I have to go back to physical therapy. This is breaking me mentally. I’m fatigued down to my bones. It’s incredibly uncomfortable. I just want some relief. The pain scares me because what if it’s not just vertigo. It makes no sense worrying. I can only be concerned with right now.

Please help

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FC

I’m breaking my attachment to physical power and possessions...because only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit.

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3/19

Had a good weekend. Went out Friday, got to see Morgan, and even Favi came with. I’m always a little happier when I see Morg. She has a great energy about her and she’s so sweet.

I just needed to write a little bit before sleep. After work I felt moody and aggravated. Probably the lack of sleep. I tossed and turned most of the night.

I got some inspiration over the weekend. Here’s hoping I don’t piss it away and forget about it. I need to get some ideas in order and make the proper changes. Change from the mundane. I want more new and interesting.

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2/27. 9:37 pm

It’s bedtime. I’m worried as usual. The day has passed with lots of second guessing and wondering. Is there something seriously wrong with me? I want to find out.

The vertigo is pretty constant at work. It’s bothersome and makes regular activities more of a challenge. I do the exercises in between time in the locker room. I feel some sort of shame doing them out in the open. Not sure why, most of the time im left by my lonesome while we are running.

I scheduled an appointment for Thursday morning. I’m going to request a chest X-ray. Maybe even a blood test. I don’t want to go back to physical therapy. The things they showed me i can do on my own. But if I’m being honest, I need something to push me. I get lazy and it snowballs. It’s snowballed already.

I’m drinking red wine. Red Rock Pinot Noir. I had Pinot when I was in Nashville. They say red wine is good for the heart. If that’s the case I hope it helps me. I’m desperate to sleep without discomfort. I like sleeping on my sides but with this chest pain it’s difficult.

For a couple months I hadn’t felt great about going to sleep. Palpitations were regular. I would wake up and not be able to go back to sleep. I’ve been afraid to drink. Friday was the first time in a long time. No hard liquor, just wine and beer.

My chest has hurt every single day since Monday last week. I took a Xanax one night and it didn’t help when the pain started up again. When I’m at work it’s a roller coaster. I try to stay calm. Work isn’t the end all be all. I try to remind myself of that everyday I’m there. If something happens and I get fired, not the end of the world. Life goes on. When coworkers go crazy intake deep breaths and try to clear my mind. Think clearly, I tell myself.

Ringing in my ears. When will it stop.

I don’t enjoy what I do but I like the time off. Compromise is the right word.

Please let me be ok. I hate this feeling. I want to sleep pain free. I want to work without chest pain. I want to not worry about a panic attack.

I know what I have to do. I’m gonna shower and hop in bed. I’ll write soon.

Love you.

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2/19

I’m afraid. My chest hurts. I don’t wanna go back to the doctor again. Just took a Xanax. I’m in pain but I don’t know if it’s from anxiety or if there’s something else going on.

I’ve been meditating daily to help cope with the stress. I feel better whenever I do it. It’s good for relieving anxiety and helps me focus. My fears stem from the chest pain. When I went previously to the doctor I was told my heartbeat and vitals were normal. When I’m at work I obsess over it. I’m home now and the pain is still there. I’m getting drowsy. I’ll fall asleep soon and I pray that hat this pain is gone.

I have a trip to Nashville on Thursday. I’m worried this pain will be there the entire trip. I know it does me no good to worry about it and I’m trying not to. If the pain dissipates I’ll feel better mentally about everything.

Just needed to get that out.

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anxiety

The last few months, weeks and days have been uncomfortable. I’ve been dealing with a multitude of health issues, both mental and physical. Recently I was diagnosed with vestibulopathy. It forms from damage to the inner ear, which causes dizziness, headaches and vision problems. I’ve had the dizziness since the end of June. The headaches started in July which have been on and off since. There have been 2 doctor visits, 1 specialist visit, 1 specialist hour long test and finally a 1 hour session for physical therapy. I don’t know if this will solve the problem but i’m praying it does. My life is good and I know I have it better than most, but fuck has this been an incredible inconvenience. Since this started it feels like a daily struggle. Yes,some days are good, but when they’re bad it comes at me in waves. This whole ordeal would be enough by itself, but it seems to have triggered an anxiety episode that doesn’t seem to be going away. I’ve been having chest pains for the past 2 weeks which is making me the most anxious that I can remember. I don’t feel worried at work but there’s this anxious feeling that goes off and I just for the life of me cannot get it to stop. I don’t get it. I don’t understand. I’m not scared of work or the the people there. There’s no fear of failure or the ramifications of what comes from those failures. I cannot quantify why this trigger for anxiety keeps swallowing me up while I’m at work. The chest pain is recurring throughout the day, but at work I feel like I’m trapped, hence more anxiousness. I stretch, take deep breaths, etc but it just sits there. I have 2 days off and i plan on trying my best to relax and not think of work at all. Also hoping some exercise will ease some of this stress. I’m trying to make the best of the situation. Will update soon.

A.L.

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7/1/2017

In Lafayette, Louisiana. Flew into New Orleans yesterday morning, walked around, had lunch, and drove to Lafayette in the afternoon. What should have been a 2 and a half hour drive turned into 4 hours plus. Once we arrived at the hotel I napped for a bit before heading out to my cousin Carl's house. We're all here for my aunt and uncles 50th wedding anniversary.

I got to see many extended family members who I've not seen in years while at Carl's house. He has a big house with a pool, in a spacious backyard draped by palm trees. I'm happy to be here. I remind myself to be in this moment and enjoy these times. As I age I appreciate the days more. Reminders of how precious life is are all around. I am not taking this for granted. Tonight is the actual celebration for the anniversary. It will be fun. More on that later.

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5/4

I'm trying to embrace the feelings I'm having. I don't really have an outlet to vent. Maybe this space right here, but other than that I'm just talking to myself. My emotions are up and down. Just trying to center myself. It's not always bad and it's not always good. That's why I need to embrace when I'm wrapped up in the bad. It'll make the good time better. It also fuels me to write more when I'm in that space. See you soon.

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Desolate

When are you going to get out of this rut? You've been saying you're going to make a change but you haven't. You make excuses for your actions. The days are slipping away and you can't get them back. What impact are you making? What goals did you accomplish? Are you living a life worth living? When are you going to be happy? Stop putting yourself in these situations. Pull yourself up and go after what you want. Make a plan and stick to it. Take risks. You can't achieve if you don't take risks. It's the only way. Fear is natural but you must overcome. Stare at the fear, feel it and then do it. Please avoid the distractions. They're the biggest obstacle. They will prevent you from your goals. Concentrate. Meditate. Pray.

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"And if I'm wasting my time...

then nothing could be better." That's a line from a White Stripes song. I feel like I'm wasting lots of time. I've accomplished a couple things that I set out for myself, but not nearly enough. The material purge has been ongoing. Many items have been sold and/or donated. Its satisfying to get rid of the clutter. As I said, there is still much to be done. I need some inspiration to push me over. There's a Groundhog Day feel to my life currently. It's bothersome and depressing the more I think about it. Change is always on my mind. It consumes me.

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Grateful

So many blessings. Don't forget.

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Need this app

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Keep on

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The less you appear to be trying, the better you do

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Harness the drive and build something