rumygeekysoulmate

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The Pleiades

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Mermaid Nebula

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J.R.R. Tolkien, from The Return of the King

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Messier 17, Star Factory

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big fan of whatever this guys deal is

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my current 2005 furby family!

(names from left to right )

goose, possum, raisin, eggs, chicken

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tara.sky.p

[rumygeekysoulmate]

I'm suffering. Still. Or, again. I can't really tell anymore whether I was ever okay or just fooling myself. I think I might have just been distracted. Everytime life is still, I think of you.

When life is busy, I think less of you, but you do pass me by, every now and then. Sometimes you're there all the time, in a subtle way, in the back of my head... or... occupying my every thought.

I'm not thinking of you all day... not when I'm busy, and I think that's a good thing. But when I come home and sit with myself, there you are.

It's like I'm meant to go through all of these periods of struggles. I'm aching, but I'm learning to endure. Life is hard, but it could be worse. Things are better now, that's for sure. But I'm still lost and I do not expect things to get miraculously better soon. Actually, I've accepted that life is going to continue being though for a bit. I just hope, there's still a chance everything will turn out great later on. I have to keep going to find out, and maybe it's possible to find glimpses of joy during the journey.

I'm longing for a soul connection. I'm longing to be seen. I'm longing to give someone all my passion and love. I'm longing to be loved, for who I really am. But I guess... I'm still figuring that out.

Maybe it's okay that my journey is long and hard towards love and abundance. One day, when I might reach it, I'll be all the more thankful.

I love someone who I'm not sure excsist. In my head, he is a wonderful person. In my head, he is someone who gets me... someone who admires me. He is someone who looks at me like nobody else ever has. He looks at me a I'm the most magical woman he has ever seen.

In my head he loves me fiercly. He feels more passion for me than he has ever felt for anyone else. To him, I am perfect. Not only because of the way I look, but for the way I am. The way I am makes him smile. It makes him nervous, insecure but also motivated. I am that someone that makes him want to be a better person. He wants to impress me, to be worthy of me. He desperately wants to be good enough for me. He has been so scared, to be rejected, to not be good enough, to be heart broken, to be left, to be crushed... so that he never fully wanted to take the leap of faith. But he can't keep away from me either. Not forever. He always comes back, even though he hasn't had any clue of what to do or say. He knows he wants me, but he does not dare to confess to himself that what he truly wants, most of all, is to admit to himself... that he loves me. That he can't imagine a life with someone else or without me. That he is crazy about me. That he misses me. That he wants to know me, deeply, truly, like noone else ever has.

I believe this to be the prophesy. My destiny is him. He has to break through, and I have to wait. So all I can do is to become the best version of myself. So that when he is ready, I'll be ready too. Ready to be loved, ready to be taken by storm, ready to dive into a deep, loving and true relationship.

My biggest fear is that I would wait in vain. That he would never come. But truth be told, there's nothing else I can do, and there's a relief in that. I've done my part. I've given it my all. I've fought for him. Now... I have to let him go. "If you really love someone, you'll set them free", they say. So, I wish him a blessed life. And I hope he is happy. And for me, I wish that I will be led by faith and divine guidance towards my most fullfilled life and desitiny. I believe I am worthy of a life filled with love, abundance, happiness and harmony.

I'll keep trying my best to create the life I think I deserve. I'll keep trying my best to be the best version of myself. I am truly trying to only do good in the world, spread love and light and to heal whoever I can heal, help whoever I can help... and to create art that comes through me, from something bigger than myself. My creations are bigger than my ego, I want to believe. My creations are cannalized messages from the Universe's intelligence.

I'll keep going, one day at a time, until... I'm living a life shared with my destined partner. And then, I'll forever be greatful for the Universe, him and for myself for never giving up.

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I don't think you know what you want, you told me.

But we can figure it out, you then added.

I didn't agree, in that moment. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, I just didn't want to tell you.

I wanted to be treated gently, like I was just a little girl. I wanted you to care for me, protect me and give me comfort.

I think it was because I was so scared of everything. I wanted to make myself small, so that someone would want to scoop me up and carry me into safety. But I only hurt myself more by doing that. I made myself small, and then I got hurt, over and over again.

I'm building myself now, to become a strong, independent woman. Now, I realize, I didn't want to tell you what I wanted at that time because I knew, deep down, that wasn't really what I wanted.

Like always, you knew, before I knew, that I didn't know what I wanted in that moment. You always had me figured out. That scares me and gives me comfort at the same time. I can never fool you. So I'll be upfront, if there's ever a next time.

I used to want to be held, protected and cared for. Now I want to be seen, respected and met as an equal.

Look how far I've come. I always knew, deep down, I wasn't ready to fully open up to you. All this time apart has brought me so much insight. I've grown as a person, thanks to all the pain.

So you see, I can't help but to hope that this was the plan all along. It's beautiful tho, we met when we were still just kids. Now we're growing up and maturing. One day we'll migh meet again. Maybe we're our best selves then, and maybe... you dare to look me in the eyes and tell me, that you're ready now. You knew it all along, deep down, that I was the one. And now you can't live without me.

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elena