rubiesandrevolutionaries

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

It’s hard being the eternal third wheel in a bestfriend relationship of three.

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

I know you’re not thinking of me

but I still think of you a hundred times a day.

K—

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

And sometimes, right when you least expect it, the universe gives you a painful reminder, that no matter how much you want it, it's never gonna happen.

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

I don’t know if you're the same star I wished on those many weeks ago... But here goes.

Thank you for E—.

But he’s not it.

I wish for someone who won’t just make my loneliness go away. I wish for someone who will fight for me and fight with me. I wish for someone who I will fall in love with, and he’ll fall in love with me, and we’ll choose to stay in love with each other. I wish for someone who I can grow old with and spend the rest of my life with.

I wish for a partner.

I wish for my soulmate.

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

‪‪E—

I’m not a morning person.‬

‪But when I was with you,‬

‪I’d wake with the sun‬

‪To watch you sleep.‬

‪To memorize your face.‬

‪To count your breaths.‬

‪To breathe in your scent.‬

‪As you cling to me.‬

‪As you peacefully dream,‬

‪Your head against my heart.‬

K—

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

A few years from now, if people ask about you, I’ll say you were my island lover, that the time we spent together was fun, sweet, and all too brief. I’ll even go so far as to say you were one of the best seven days of my life. I’ll laugh it off, the confidence in my smile and the casual remembrance in my eyes won’t betray the truth.

That I loved you. Fiercely. Wholly.

That I cherished every infinitesimal moment I spent with you.

That I understood that we met at the wrong time, as the wrong version of ourselves.

That you were the inevitable hard lesson learned.

That I was grateful anyway, to this day, that our paths crossed. Despite the pain, the regret, the and the heartbreak.

And that I will always, always remember you—half of me smiling, and the other half of me weeping.

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

Used to be we put the music on loud to cover the sound of our whispered conversations when we weren’t supposed to be in the same room, to cover the sound of our pleasured moans.

Now I put the music on loud to cover the sound of my sobs as my heart aches for you.

K—

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

Also, I could be doing something really boring and mundane, like getting water from the water dispenser, or writing a prescription, or putting on my shoes... and I’d suddenly get flashes of memory of E—, like how he kissed my neck, or how he told me I looked good even though I had no makeup on and my hair was a mess and I was in the middle of a chaotic shift, or how he held my hand all the time while we walked all over the island.

Do you get that too???

It’s hella annoying.

To get glimpses of awesome memories you know you’ll never have again.

It really sucks.

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

“Why are you still loyal to someone who’s clearly forgotten about you?”

“I don’t know. Right now, I just can’t imagine being with anyone else... And there’s a small comfort knowing he was the last one to have touched me.”

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

I found my light

And now it’s gone

He took it with him when he left

I’m just left with scraps

All-too-short glimpses

Split-second flashes

Of the brilliance that he used to bring

K—

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

Good Riddance

I’m so pathetic.

I miss him so bad.

He’s all I think about.

One minute I’ll be all : Good riddance. He didn’t deserve me. He wasn’t boyfriend material anyway. He’s such an asshole. I can’t believe I ever had feelings for him. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve suffered for it — am suffering for it. Now I know better.

Then the next minute, I’ll be all : I miss him. I really really REALLY fucking miss him. I miss his eyes, his smile, the moles on his right pectoral, the little hairs on the back of his thighs.

I miss dancing with him, all night, until the early morning, and then still feel energized enough to conquer the world.

I miss his wandering touches, little gestures that he wants me close, that meant that I was his, and that he was mine, for all the world to see.

I miss how easily he could make me laugh, how light and weightless he made me feel.

I miss the way he held me. I miss the way he kissed me.

I miss how he never let me leave the circle of his arms, how my body would never touch my side of the bed for the entirety of the night.

I miss hearing his heartbeat, my lullaby as I slept. I miss waking up to see him asleep, still dreaming to the sound of my heartbeat.

I miss when all I could see was his face and his shoulders, and all I could feel was him, as we moved together, as we soared together.

But most of all — the most painful of all — I miss his lingering kisses followed by prolonged embraces that threatened to empty my lungs of air. As if he wanted to absorb my essence into his. As if he couldn’t bear to let me go.

Especially that particular lingering kiss and that prolonged embrace the last time we were together, the promise of seeing each other again soon hanging thick in the air.

Only...

Only he didn’t. I didn’t. We didn’t.

We never saw each other again.

And then he sent that goddamned text days later, the evening before I was to fly out.

And then that was it. That was the end.

I’m so confused. Utterly bewildered. Left reeling and wondering, without any real answers.

I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know who to blame. I don’t know who to be mad at. Him? Me? Both? I don’t know. I just don’t fucking know.

But...

Even after all that...

I miss him. I really really really fucking miss his stupid ass.

But also... Good riddance.

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

I have to believe there’s something better out there for me.

I HAVE to.

Or else, what’s the point of all this?

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

My tongue is most at home

When it’s your name rolling off it.

In greeting, in parting, in the throes of ecstasy.

When it’s licking you.

When it’s parting your lips.

When it’s dancing with your own tongue.

When it’s welcoming the way for the air from your lungs into mine.

K—

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

Three days ago:

*cries for no reason

*eats everything in sight

*my life sucks im so depressed why meeee

Today:

*oh

*first day of menses

*that explains it

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

People do crazy things

When they’re in love lonely

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

There are moments

Of pure peace

Amidst the chaos of this life.

Peace (n). Good cup of coffee + ocean breeze in my face + Lakme in my ears + sky full of stars.

[rubiesandrevolutionaries]

I am drowning in my loneliness.