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What do you think my roommate is doing with the butter?

[rsnccookies-blog]

Journal 1

My life hasn’t been easy. Not as bad as it could be, I’m not homeless or anything like that. I have had what I like to say is just bad luck, but damn I wish it could have been different. A child of divorce, hearing how my father would come home drunk and beat my mother. Then the slew of men my mother dated assaulted my siblings (I was too young to remember if I was assaulted). Having extremely low self esteem and being bullied. My siblings running away from home once they hit 18. I started dating at the age of 13. My first crushes were girls but I only dated boys, not really knowing how to navigate a relationship, I was horrible. I always had someone ready to date after a breakup, afraid of being alone. In 4 years I dated/made out with almost 20 people. It was bad. I was jealous of the attention my much older sisters got from men, but at the same time a have a fear of them. Every relationship was on my terms. I made the first move. And I always ended it.

The boy I dated before 9th grade became my stalker. The boy I dated one month before school started became the first one to break my heart. The one I dated in the fall that year assaulted me. The one that took up all of 2009 broke up with me three times, caused me trauma and supported my ED. I cheated on him twice, because I knew he cheated on me and hoped it would get back to him. It never did, so I just lived with the guilt. The one spring of 2010 assaulted me after I had just cried in his arms.

In summer 2010, I met my biggest downfall. We met in late June. By July 4th we started dating. By the 10th we were in bed. We were 16. He was extremely jealous and controlling. I was naive and thought it was that he really and truly cared so much about me. I changed so much for him. My hair, my look, my friends, even my family relationships. He viewed himself as always the smartest in the room, enjoyed constantly playing devils advocate for the arguments that would ensue. Anything I showed interest in, he would deep dive and find something wrong with, and ruin it. Or he would loudly and aggressively complain how much he hated it.

As we got older, he expressed how if I gained “too much weight” he wasn’t sure if he could be with me. He went from planning baby names with me to exclusively saying he never wanted kids and had me get an IUD. I worked my ass off constantly, while he lied to his family about being in school, using the mortgage money to support his lifestyle. When the school lie and almost losing the house came to light, I stuck by him. At this same time, I caught him planning to meet up with an old female friend from high school. We had been together 8 years at this point. So to fix his little “cry for attention”, we got married. No one knew and he insisted no one ever know. He worried his parents would be mad at him for marrying me so suddenly. At this point we lived with them.

I was made to constantly be on diets, go to the gym daily, switch jobs frequently as a way to get more money, and support him while he went to college. My life completely revolved around him. He had to know where the money was going. And where I was at all times. I barely saw my family, and by our 10 year anniversary I was so depressed I was on multiple meds just to function. Once he graduated with his degree, we planned a wedding. I forced it on him. It was what he promised and I wasn’t going to let him postpone it any longer. I paid for most of the wedding, taking out my retirement fund early to do so. I planned everything but had to run it all through him for his approval. Instead of the black wedding dress I already bought, he insisted on buying a red one, which I only recently finished paying off. We got married on our 5 year anniversary (which no one knew about) so a total of 13 years together.

Shortly after the wedding, I was feeling extremely lonely. He spent all day and night on the computer playing video games, coming to bed around 3am. I worked all day, came home and went to the gym, then went to bed. Everyday the same routine. I was miserable. I couldn’t eat what I wanted, I couldn’t do anything I liked, and his solution to my loneliness was to join him on the computer playing games I had no interest in with people who I barely knew and who he frequently expressed distaste for in private. I had no friends, hasn’t spoken to my family, and was just so alone. I ended up on nsfw twitter, posted a couple photos, and got BOMBARDED with messages from people giving me attention. I would lie if say I wasn’t engrossed in it. It became a daily thing, posting a photo and waiting for the comments and messages to come in.

Then one night, he layes his whole body weight on me and said “you better not f*cking cheat on me”, then rolled back over. I was terrified. I deleted twitter at that point. I was so scared. A few days later, after he seemed to have calmed, I redownloaded it, and received a message from a girl. It wasn’t inappropriate or anything. She was checking to make sure I was okay. Saying my posts made her feel like maybe I needed some help. That simple inquiry woke me up suddenly. It was like a veil had lifted. I saw my life for the first time. Soon after that, I was being intimate with him, and I used my safe word. He responded by trying to continue. I began to cry. After that he left me alone in the room, to play video games. A few days later he said he would “not take responsibility for the pain he caused me” because he “read different literature on what using a safe word means”. Again, eyes wide open. I was disgusted and hurt and my heart was just breaking.

On Sunday October 2nd, 2023, I told my best friend everything. The diets, the isolation, comments on my appearance, and the intimate details and pain he caused me. She said the most amazing thing. “You will not be turning 30 with him” and I began sobbing even harder. The next day was go time, I was laying in bed sobbing with fear, because the next morning I was leaving. He had no idea. Or so I thought.

He came into the room around midnight and just said, “are you cheating on me?” I was taken aback. He kept pushing and repeating the question. And then he said “do you want to go to couples therapy?” I said no. Then he said “do you want a divorce?” I said yes. He began pleading. I called my best friend and told her he knew and I needed to leave now. She stayed on the phone as I got my things and he begged me not to leave. The whole time he sounded like he was crying, but there were no tears. He kneeled on the floor begging me to stay. But I had made up my mind. That was the last time I saw or spoke to him.

I got a lawyer, moved in with a roommate, and started my new life. On thanksgiving I told my family. They were shocked but supported me. He showed our whole friend group my “cheating” and turned them all against me. I didn’t mind as they weren’t really my friends. On November 30th the divorce was finalized. Throughout the whole thing, the girl I met on twitter was there to support me. Eventually, we have started dating. We are almost a year together and I am so happy. I have gained a ton of weight. I do things I enjoy, I have the hair I want and dress how I want. I got matching tattoos with my sisters and the piercing I always wanted. I am finally me.

Today I just got approved for my own apartment, and are making plans for my girlfriend to come see me. I am now confidently non-binary and just so happy. I see my family weekly and speak to them daily.

All this to say, no matter how stuck you feel, no matter your age, you’re not alone. It’s never to late to start over.