rottenribbons

[rottenribbons]

as a child, I've always been the most gifted and talented. put in advanced classes since elementary, teachers asked me to help the other kids, I was even put in extra classes. but now? now I feel just plain dumb. always falling behind in class, never being able to concentrate, not being able to think straight. it's like im losing myself, for if I'm not the smartest, then who am I really?

theres gaps in my head. huge leaps of faith in my memory. I couldn't tell you the names of my best friend from the second grade, I couldn't even tell you some of the names of my middle school teachers. and I know why, I'm not that stupid quite yet.

its not the taste of liquor (I've never had a drop), it's not the rush of drugs (they scare me), and it's not the smell of cigarettes (they remind me too much of him). It's my parents. the same harmful parents that made me hate myself. their heavy hands that feel like boulders and their words that cut like cleavers. the childlike sadness they have given me instead of childlike wonder is what's making me so dumb. it's what's making me forget everything about myself except the pain they've caused me.

[rottenribbons]

my only passion is to leave this city and everything in it and never even think kf looking back

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can't wait to leave this God forsaken city and never look back and learn what it's like to feel like myself

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"I've finally grown a spine" are you sure you're not confusing your 'spine' for a stick that's so far up your ass? cause I'm plenty sure

[rottenribbons]

I listen to your music till my ears ring and my piercings throb

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my blood runs hot with how I hate you but I still hope you heal from the things you don't talk about

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my heart actually races with want and excitement when I think abt killing myself

[rottenribbons]

if you were to tell me to recall a time in my life where i was genuinely happy i would tell you lies.

summer humidity sticks to my skin and reminds me of the carnal words spoke to eight year old me that everybody heard and nobody spoke about. the silence of this house, filled only by buzzing insects and cars, reminds me how lonely i am and makes my arms wrap around my body, fingers digging into ribs until they bruise, to hug myself since no one else would.

autumn is around the corner and my heavy head only gets heavier with the suffocating thoughts brimming within. the world gets colder, the trees and lawns die and so does my heart and i feel it breaking with every word that i've heard in the past, present and, future.

winter is here and it's not cold enough for it to snow, not like it would make me happy the same way it did when i was young and niave (how i wish to go back to that), but it is cold enough to make my skin to burn. the faux heat reminding me of my fathers heavy hands that reek of cigarettes and my mothers negligence to hear my pleas for him to stop.

spring rings in my ear like the sound of the blade ripping through the skin of my hips. i force the slits to overlap so i don't run out of room to hide them. the warmth does little to melt the frost shielding my heart for i know there is no end to this. the cycle of despair will repeat on and on and on again until i escape, and i will. whether it be my death or my rising.

i have not felt true happiness in years, not even in my childhood for it was full of fear and walking on eggshells. so if you were to ask me to tell you a time i was happy, i will lie to you and tell you i always am.

[rottenribbons]

i can constantly feel the rot inside me. it's always sitting there at the bottom, weighing me down. it forms into emptiness at the bottom of my stomach and condensing into my already aching bones and contorts into heaviness within my heart. always stabbing at my brain like it's trying to carve the fact that i'll never be what i want to be for the decompostition will catch up to me before i turn 23, that im sure of. a poet, a mother, a star, a lover, loved, permanent, an actress, a doctor, pure, something worth remembering. all my thoughts and passions are rotting along side my body and there is no cure for me and i fear that's my fate. this house is boring the rot and hatred into my flesh and when i finally escape, when i'm finally free, i'll be covered in mold with flies and rats surrounding me. flowers won't grow from my body and beauty won't be made from me for that's the way my god has made me. which makes me unsure of who to curse for my life. god, for giving me life knowing the horrid outcome, or the devil, for spreading his decay to my soul.

[rottenribbons]

I've lost my will to live, please pass the gun

[rottenribbons]

ever since ive learned the weaknesses of my flesh, I've craved the certainty of steel

-markiplier

[rottenribbons]

I saw the tv glow once but it didn't feel right to watch it so instead I use the light to read and I think im okay with that for now

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"You're so lazy you never want to work" I do. I promise I do. I want to work for my passion and myself but this is never where I saw myself. surrounded by kids I hate, filled with anxiety and swarming with ugliness and suffocated by grades and this house.

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sleeping is not enough anymore, what I need right now is to die and then be resurrected and feel reborn.

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I don't think I was destined for anything besides always falling back into depression and awful coping

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it wasn't perfect but I fit there

[rottenribbons]

I hope eveytime you see hot pink, listen to mitski, teach smb slang, ignore their message, smell strawberry pound cake, hear stupid nick names, you think of me