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[rose-m4ry]

☾˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 24. 2024 "There it is again, that funny feeling."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ Math review

♥︎ Math answer

Likely one of the rare instances where I've actually completed everything on my list for the day. I've been feeling like shit lately and I can't tell whether it's because I'm slacking or if I'm burning out so much that I get mad at myself for not working 24/7. I heard that's a thing that can happen, but I'm not sure, it might be the lack of sleep too. My mind's just been all over the place lately and I'm not sure why. It's harder to focus. I think I have to really ban myself from doomscrolling on Youtube and Pinterest so much, so I'm conditioning myself to use my phone since I don't have anything too distracting on there.

On the other hand, I really have been making progress. Have I mentioned it already? I forgot, but I talked about how 5 p.m felt like a death sentence when I haven't done anything all day on here before. That's because the hours proceeding it are the busiest for things like eating, showering, washing the dishes, etc.

In order to "fix" this, I just moved all those tasks a few hours earlier than I usually do them. I used to shower around 8-10 p.m, but I changed it recently to 6-7 p.m. I don't have any control on when I can eat, so I just eat as soon as the food is ready.

Aside from that, I've been switching tactics when it comes to studying for Math. I used to copy every little detail from the textbook onto my notebook, but now I just take the photo copies of the textbook's practice questions and make flashcards of them in Canva, then I just figure it out along the way. Math is easier to learn when you put application instead of theory first.

I'm still figuring this "time management" thing out, but I think I'm doing better cutting down dead weight than before. I just need to keep going.

𖤓 Morning entry

[rose-m4ry]

𖤓˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 24. 2024 [God, I'm pissed.]

To do 𐙚. ݁₊⋆❀˖°

♡ Answer Math problem

♡ Review for polygons and angles

Radio silence lately cause I've been falling off a bit. I'm really fucking mad at myself but I live anyways because what the fuck else can I do? Sorry if I sound bitter, just trying to process all this right now. I can feel whatever I had at the start of the month wearing off so I've been keeping a close eye on myself and trying to steer myself away from the cycles.

Aside from all that, I've been interested in the idea of making a carrd. I've been putting it off because everything you need to know about me already fits inside my introduction post, but working on visuals and maybe even a little section that links to all my journal entries so far would be interesting. Though, part of the reason why I've been so mad lately is because I haven't had the time to get into my hobbies.

I've been itching to actually have a session where I can just sit down and work on some projects I've been looking forward to for however long I wanted, but I'll have to wait and try not to go mad in the process.

[rose-m4ry]

Growing up is so fucking weird in general, but I'm starting to trust in my older self to be kind to me.

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ugh why must I be always so repulsed by my own vulnerability but I find it very moving and impressive if other people are vulnerable with me????

[rose-m4ry]

Devin Kelly, from "Deer on the Side of an American Highway"

[rose-m4ry]

At the same time it's fascinating to think about. I remember being 6, staring at the corner of a table and gaining awareness of my growing conscience. My back burned everytime I did something wrong and that's when I realized that I was starting to understand the concept of remorse and consequence. It was a small moment of "Huh, things are changing."

Now it's the same thing but with the increasing awareness that I am so far from being a developed, fleshed out human being, that there's so much more ahead of me and whatever I thought was the entire world when I was 12 I now know was a small, narrow portion of it.

It's inevitable. There is a world beyond me that I don't know about. I am so small. We are so small. I'm trying to learn everyday, but I no longer want to pressure myself to understand everything at once the same way I did when I was 14. The fact is that I'm immature and ignorant and I won't be ashamed of it anymore in the way that I won't be ashamed to learn.

I'm so fucking tired of being a teenager but it's also so funny. So so fucking funny. "Oh god!! What if this is just like all those years ago?! I knew I've always been fucked up, I'll never change!" And then 'all those years ago' is when you were 12-14. Bitch you'll be fine

[rose-m4ry]

I'm so fucking tired of being a teenager but it's also so funny. So so fucking funny. "Oh god!! What if this is just like all those years ago?! I knew I've always been fucked up, I'll never change!" And then 'all those years ago' is when you were 12-14. Bitch you'll be fine

[rose-m4ry]

this app is literally my public private place to talk to myself

[rose-m4ry]

I get so insecure it makes me wanna die but I have to keep living. I have to stop trying to uplift myself by looking for other people's flaws. I don't need to do that shit because I'm not below other people in the first place. My life is my own and as such the goodness of others is not a threat that I need to defend against nor be wary of.

Someday I'm gonna have to grow out of the ego that tries to kill me everyday and accept that I don't need to compensate for who I am

[rose-m4ry]

Someday I'm gonna have to grow out of the ego that tries to kill me everyday and accept that I don't need to compensate for who I am

[rose-m4ry]

[rose-m4ry]

For context the first time I tried out audiobooks I decided to have The Raven and a collection of six short stories in the background while playing Bungo Tales, which isn't exactly a distracting game but my comprehension is not anywhere good enough to be understanding wtf was happening while doing another task.

I still have The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe so I'll do a re-read on some of those soon enough.

Listened to an audiobook while playing games. My issue last time was probably that I chose Edgar Allan Fucking Poe out of all authors instead of something that was closer to my reading level.

[rose-m4ry]

Listened to an audiobook while playing games. My issue last time was probably that I chose Edgar Allan Fucking Poe out of all authors instead of something that was closer to my reading level.

[rose-m4ry]

Keiko I love you but you can’t stab babies with a cake knife to make them quiet 😭

[rose-m4ry]

Books read in 2024: CONVENIENCE STORE WOMAN by Sayaka Murata

She was getting carried away with making up a story for herself. She might just as well have been saying I was “cured.” If it had been that simple all along, I thought, I wish she’d given me clear instructions before, then I wouldn’t have had to go to such lengths to find out how to be normal.

[rose-m4ry]

Books read in 2024: CONVENIENCE STORE WOMAN by Sayaka Murata

Everyone laughed. “He really would,” I said nodding, thinking that if I ever became a foreign object, I’d no doubt be eliminated in much the same way.

Oh, I thought absently, I’ve become a foreign object.

[...] You’re a foreign object. It’s just nobody bothered to tell you because they find you too freaky. They’ve been saying it behind your back, though. And now they’ll start saying it to your face too.”

[rose-m4ry]

Fan cover for Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata