rockyvids

[rockyvids]

lay my busyhead down and screw it to a body aching for a sort of calm only you can bring. invent mellow soundtracks to match our heartbeats, we can tattoo the lyrics on our ribcages. even when the ink fades my bones will know your face. you are the artist and the muse. everything you are + create leads me, the starstruck aesthete, to gaze in love.

i'll wait forever, you know. if it takes an eon to intertwine our hands like colliding planets i will bargain with god to have pity on two broken lovers

you are everything

[rockyvids]

tonight i'm feeling introspective (picture one of those facebook statuses). i have some kind of head cold and my friends are like, "damn, you've been sick for like two weeks" which is sort of true cause ive been on and off with a stomach bug, sore throat, now this

i'm so congested, i got stuck up in my own head and that's why i'm typing here. the world's quieter and i read pete wentz livejournal entries all day. let me get to what i was actually thinking about though

i seriously believe ive got anxiety or ocd. and i know anybody who knows me would say "no shit you have anxiety" but ive been scanning the file folders in my brain to find some common patterns so i can really pinpoint what it is. like why can't i go to work or school or softball, ive got friends there, and why do i think im only gonna make something worse when im there? and please tell me what's going on up there to imagine myself swerving into oncoming cars, or when i get the urge to sprint across the hall to my room cause some car's gonna drive by and shoot me through the big living room window

can i just treat myself? i recognize the irrational thoughts, i understand it's hindering me, but i'm not getting a therapist maybe ever because this one time i tried to explain i have anxiety to my dad and he goes "don't use that excuse." like okay man im so glad you're the extrovert in the house who can tell me it's all in my head (where the fuck else would it be??), i wish i'd thought abt that so i didn't feel suffocated around everybody. problem solved, you could drive dr. phil right out of business

there's plenty that goes unsaid though. we're close in the way we agree to disagree about politics, or when i can come out, but we could still go ice fishing together and watch a brewers game. we already talk like father and son, i promise not much would change besides me being happier.

i think this is all getting a little too jumbled for one late night post. go to sleep so you can quiet the dreams for a few hours

[rockyvids]

i wonder if i'm the kind of person that's easy to get over. you know, when you think they didn't really try hard enough or they didn't let themselves be vulnerable enough to know them. i'm so scared of never being vulnerable enough to be loved. it could just be the way she left everything making me think that's how it's gonna go every time. but now i think it also makes me worried that i'm never trying hard enough. what's stopping you from drifting away if i don't jump the gun, get on my knees, and confess to you? but i can't fathom begging for your love unless i knew you really needed me too, 'cause what if i scare you? i lose you.

it's fucking dumb to think of it as some strategy game i can't win but i'm seriously not sure what else to do. i wish we could go on a car ride and talk about it so you could give me advice on how to confess to you. like imagine, "i'm trying to tell you i love you can you help me out?" maybe we'd laugh about it, i don't know. let's get high again, i forgot to rest my head on your shoulder and stare at you longingly. or i tried to and i zoned out. was still a good feeling. you were there.

[rockyvids]

i'm scared of anything past last summer

picking the skin on my hands and tapping shoes

i can't leave you, you're my only constant

i'm just sort of nervous when you're not there

i kind of look around and breathe funny

like i'm not really there either

so i'll just lay in bed another night and think

and think and think and think and think

one day i'll fly right out of here in a cape of bedsheets and failed essays

i didn't make it, and you only see me when it's late

until you're tired of grieving a face you can't place

let me break, here i can't stay

[rockyvids]

stopped going to church before they tied me down

i saw my eyes fading in the reflection of the holy water

the guilt followed me home from the chapel

used to sit beside my grandma in the pew, while i scribbled and doodled in her notepads

i never heard the sermon

just liked the sound of the choir

[rockyvids]

you supply the ink when i'm running dry. can you please just tell me what you meant by it? we joke so much and i wonder if it's a best friend thing. it could be a different thing. with every fiber of my being i wish it were just *something*. sometimes i can hardly talk to you and other times we just understand. everything.

i really like 'the walk' by imogen heap. "you're as close as it gets without touching me"

i'm not certain about a whole lot. even the stuff i know "for sure" gets all mixed up in my head and i'm afraid of being wrong when i say it. like i fabricated something incorrect and i don't care enough to pay attention to what's real. i can see your eye color as vividly as if you were staring back at me now. i can't forget it. there's no voice in the back of my head dragging me back to icy blue-gray freezing calculating sabotaging eyes. i had to know her precisely or else i'm just not for her. she pushed me off (because of) the latter. i wanna stare at your brown eyes even if you stare back. best friend thing too?

diagnose me so i can medicate and i will understand you so you can contemplate. does your fear of being seen outweigh the desire to be known?

[rockyvids]

i wanna hold you in some way that doesn't make you claustrophobic. i want you to rest your head on my shoulder without feeling like a burden. i want us to hold hands and i wanna tell you it's okay to let go anytime. you know i'll wait forever, i'm here for you. i want our souls to know one another before our bodies ever get acquainted. anything it takes, it's no inconvenience to me. you're everything. if i uttered the faintest phrase admitting the slightest fraction of my adoration for you, flowers would bloom on the other side of the world.

[rockyvids]

laying in bed listening to ginasfs. damn right it isn't

[rockyvids]

i am going to allow myself this one last night, while the party favors lie on the ground, while the drunks do what they do best, while the sky is still static, while my face feels wrong

to long for something i just couldn't get from last year. i'm going to hope you keep me out of your resolutions - i would hate to be a checkbox. i wanna fall in love with you and life and myself and make my broken bones into crutches to support my mangled figure. i want to detox the alcohol on my parents' breath and just once know a kiss that won't hold a condition over my head. i want to find my crayon wax wings in a drawer filled with childhood scribbles and elementary dreams.

i'm not going to be like this forever. but let me loathe the winter i've felt for two years / for one night. when i wake up i'll be better than when you found me i promise. i promise. i'm gonna get better.

i want to go deaf so i won't hear my dad's slurred words, but then i wouldn't hear your voice or music (they're about the same). everything's fucking jumbled. i'm cold, i've been shaking all night, i don't feel good. please just make me feel good. i need somebody. it's my disadvantage

[rockyvids]

i feel nostalgic for anything that made me feel safe, as if that safety wasn't a cage and i wouldn't be released just as i learned to stop pacing in it

also, i'm sorry i struggle to know you on a deep level, or what i think that is. i don't know why i back off when you want to be understood. i want to understand. i want to know you like the back of my hand

[rockyvids]

if this doesn't work out, you'll be one of those people i never forget - never reason with myself saying we didn't fit together, or that it was a stone in the path to the right love, "right person wrong time" deal

we got fucked over and we pay in the anxiety and habits that ruin our chances of the love we chase. she can move on and love and hate and love and hate and never really do either of them authentically but she's *moving on* and that's just something i can't do. i still think about the handshake thing; it's my exhibit a to her apathy. i don't know how it is for you.

if this does work out, trust i will give you everything i can and love you like a dog regardless of the circumstances. i can't shake this feeling now - imagine if i were more attached. i don't even know if you want it to work out, and i don't know if it's right for it to, but i'll be your hopeless romantic until the end

[rockyvids]

i got a guitar! merry christmas 🎸

[rockyvids]

we're never really gonna die - let's build our own purgatory out of computer screens and stay there until we decide if what we are is sin or significant. it could be both, and i could be six feet under not knowing of your resurrection because you know my hearing failed long before i was buried. my message won't carry through the dirt much like my texts through the static air between our phones

[rockyvids]

do you ever wonder why i need it and you hate it? she made me reliant on the thing you fear. she ruined any chance we had and fated us to understand one another on insufferable levels. let's forget it all and be the closest we can be to friends - just remember to ghost me so i don't go graverobbing

[rockyvids]

i can't shake the feeling that you think of me as much as i think of you, and that alone kills me and resurrects me with hope(lessness)

[rockyvids]

it's just a cycle riddled with good moments. saturdays are for breathing and sundays are for anticipating freezing cold mornings, carrying the weight of inherited to-do lists, avoiding everybody but friends who get it - tell me to live for the small things but forget to mention how microscopic they can become, how desperately you cling to comfortable instances and people and memories that vanish all the same. just make it to friday, break starts after this week, you'll graduate before you know it, but what happens when you're swept up in the waves and you're miles out from shore? fucking monotony dude

i'm having a hard time and i miss you, you're not gone but i really do

[rockyvids]

my skin burns and i hold onto every moment you stare at me like a lifeline, wishing for a photographic memory with built-in telepathy