rockseizes

[rockseizes]

i think the first time i realized my brother might not be.. “normal” was when we were in elementary.

there was this fifth grader who was bullying me, and since i didn’t know who else would listen to me, i told the only other fifth grader i knew. my big brother, jaiden.

he asked me to tell me about her. i told him that she would trip me during recess and pull me away from the playground. and how she threatened to get her cat on me if i went on ‘her playground’ ever again.

i couldn’t get through it all without crying — it was too frustrating.. he hugged me and said, “don’t worry, may. your big bro will take care of things.” i nodded to him, and we watched tv while doing homework for the rest of the day.

..about a week later, he didn’t come home from school with me. i heard that he took a different bus to hang out with a friend. i didn’t mind, as long as he came back. when he returned, he held a white cat in his arms. he had told me he had found a stray with his friend and wanted to play around with it.

“but isn’t that scary?” i asked.

“not really, but it’s sweet you’re worried about me.” he responded with a smile and headed to the backyard with the cat.

at around three am, i woke up out of nowhere. i think i had a nightmare. i went to jaiden’s room to talk about it, but he wasn’t there. i looked around everywhere in the house, but i couldn’t find him. not until he came in from the backyard door with a dirty shirt, and a dripping knife.

“what were you doing outside?”

“oh, great timing. i need some help throwing something away.“ “what is it?” “why don’t i just show you?”

i wish i didn’t go outside. i wish i had stayed asleep. because when i went out there, i found the stray cat, laying lifeless as its guts had been splayed out for all to see.

“..why did you do that?” i turned to look at him in complete horror. “i was curious. besides, it was only a stray.” he walked to the cat, crouched down, and started poking at its face.

“i mean, it was gonna die eventually. probably would've been a painful one too. i did it a favor.” my eyes widened in fear at his twisted logic.

“jaiden.. i.. i—“

“calm down.” he turned to look at me with his typical smile. before, it had comforted me, but now it drowned me in pure terror and confusion.

“it’s gonna be okay, alright? we’re gonna take a trip to the forest and find this kitty a nice place to rest. we’re fine.”

and so we did just that. he picked up the carcass, and led the way to the forest creek nearby our neighborhood. as he began to dig a hole with his bare hands, i trembled at the sight of the corpse in my arms. it took all my strength to not drop the cat, throw up, and cry all night.

the next day, i was walking around the neighborhood, as i saw my bully sobbing at the park. i didn’t want to talk to her, but then i noticed the missing posters of a white cat in one hand and a pretty red collar in the other.

i ran home before she could see me. she didn’t talk to me — or any of her other victims — for the rest of the year.

when i confronted my brother about it, he reminded me of her threats. how she would have used the same cat i held lifeless last night to attack and traumatize me if i were to break her useless set of rules. he told me that he was only protecting me, and by taking care of the cat, he prevented me from ever getting hurt by it.

“i’d rather hurt everything that tries to hurts you then let you get scarred even once. you’re my little sister; this is my job. trust me.” he cooed, pulling me into a warm hug.

at the ripe age of ten, i realized one thing about him. my brother was willing to resort to violence for me, and that by no circumstances could i let him take things too far. i knew what happened when you do too many bad things — i didn’t want him taken away from me. he was all i had.

..so i definitely fucked up by bringing tara to the cabin trip with me and him.