robcrean

[robcrean]

Hike

Monica had had almost an hour of hiking where she hadn't seen anyone. It was serine. Exactly what she was looking for. It has been a stressful month and this time alone in nature was exactly what she needed. She was appreciating that, really in the moment taking the time to appreciate her surroundings. Breathing in the fresh forest air and actively marveling at the majestic panorama nature provided when she heard him scurrying up behind her, out of breath.

"Hey! So glad I ran to another person! I haven't seen anyone in almost an hour." He was a short man in his mid forties sweating through a Ramones t-shirt wearing cargo shorts that looked very old and hiking boots that look very new.

"I'm Mike!" He put his hand out to shake and she felt compelled to reciprocate.

"I was supposed to meet someone here, in the parking lot, that is, but they bailed. I almost turned around and went home, but it was a long drive so I figured, what the heck, and started up the hill."

Monica smiled politely, "I'm sure you'll be glad you did, it's a beautiful day out, enjoy it" she turned around and made her way up the hill at a pace just slightly faster than she wanted to be moving, but not so fast as to make it blatant that she was trying to get away from him.

He rushed after her, panting he asked, "did you have someone bail on you too?"

"No," she said turning her head halfway back to him. "I like hiking alone."

"No kidding," he said with some surprise, "I get it, I've gotten much more into doing stuff on my own. When I was in my 20s or even my 30s I'd never think of going to a movie or a restaurant by myself, but now I do it all the time!"

"That's great." She struggled to find words respond politely without seeming to contribute to the conversation , "it's good to be independent."

"Yeah," the word puffed out of his mouth, "I'm really learning that."

She offered no response, but he continued.

"I was married for almost twenty years, well, seventeen, but rounding up. When it ended I realized I'd totally lost all of my independence. I didn't know how to be alone, but I'm figuring it out now."

Monica could see the trap, but was beginning to worry that was no way she'd be able to avoid it. She stopped signed and turned to face him.

"I'm really sorry, that sounds hard."

He shook his head slowly up and down.

"It is, it is. You know, it's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I was supposed to meet a date here. She messaged me last minute to cancel. It really hurt."

"I'm sorry, yeah, I can see how that would sting." She turned around. And continued up the hill.

"It does. I've been trying to.. be... I don't know, I'm trying to be the type of person people want to be around, because I think I kind of became not that kind of person." He clumsily tailed behind her.

"I'm sure that's not true" she yelled back without slowing.

"I mean, I'm trying to be open to new experiences. Like I haven't been hiking since I was in high school, but this woman said that's what she was into so I offered to join her on a hike. She said okay, but then I drive all the way here and she blows me off."

"Sucks." She's gotten far enough away that it takes him a beat to process what's she said, or maybe just a beat to catch his breath, but the last thing she hears is him breathily saying, "yeah", and then she's back on her own.

Monica liked to push herself on climbs, but she certainly pushed a bit harder to move quickly knowing that there was a potential intruder nipping at her heals. After maybe ninety minutes, she found herself at a clearing with a small pond. She stopped to take her canteen out of her pack and have a drink. There was a large flat rock against the pond and she stretched out on it. She closed her eyes and felt the warmth of the sun on her skin despite the crisp early spring breeze. She listed to the sounds of nature while looking at the orange of the sun through her closed eyelids. She breathed in deeply and let it out slowly.

"You're a pro, huh." He yelled out, probably almost as soon as she came into view. She lazily opened her eyes to see him approach. He'd found a branch to use as a walking stick and was trudging, reminding her or a prisoner of war being transferred after some brutal European battle. She was so sure he'd have given up and gone back down the hill at this point, but there he was, looking like he might be about to fall over, but there none the less, he was.

She cocked her head towards him and shaded her eyes with her hand.

"Hey," she said, feeling it was reasonable to take his question as rhetorical.

"I'm really out of shape," he said, "but you're great at this stuff. Do you do it all the time?"

"Not as much as I'd like, but yeah, pretty regularly. "

He came over toward her and collapsed on the large flat stone she was sitting on. She had to move over to allow him the room to do that, and now she was laying side by side with this guy who's name she didn't even know (she recalled he'd introduced himself, but she had not retained it.) It just felt too intimate. She stood up.

She couldn't help herself from stretching, almost as if to imply that she was moving because her body felt the need to move unrelated to his presence, and she hated that she felt the need to do that.

"Well" she said, "I'd better get going, don't want to make it to the summit too late, I'd hate to get caught coming down the hill in the dark.

He waved at her with one arm while the other arm draped itself over his eyes to avoid the sun. He looked pathetic and exhausted. She tried to put him out of her mind and within fifteen minutes he was out of both her sight and her mind.

She moved more leisurely now. Confident he would no longer follow. She hopped from rock to rock, she stopped to look at birds and admire trees and other plants.

She reached the summit and pivoted around in a circle, looking at all the far off signals of civilization. She laid down and looked up at the sky and the clouds. She drank some more water, she got rid of some water, and she headed back down.

At this point she recalled the guy she'd run into earlier. She'd been so nervous he'd encroach too much on her hike and ruin her day. She had even hated him a little thinking that. Now that she made her way down, she could think of him with a clearer head, see how he really was. A sad lonely guy seeking connection, but lacking the skills to find it. She felt a tinge of guilt for judging him so harshly and allowed herself a moment to appreciate the sadness of his situation. She also fully embraced the feeling of relief that he hadn't ended up being more of an issue in her day.

That's when she saw him. She's made her way back to the pond and there he was. I'm almost the exact position she's left him in, one arm draped over his eyes, totally still on the big flat rock. Totally still.

She paused for a moment to see if she could indicate any signs of life. She began to panic.

He's probably just asleep, she assured herself. He's not her responsibility she assured herself.

"Fuck." She whispered to herself and slowly made her way towards him.

She slowly slid her feet along the dirt of the path leading to the rock, careful not to wake him if he was just taking a nap, she looked to see even the shallowest rise and fall of his chest or stomach, anything to show that he was alive. As she got closer and closer he seemed stiller and stiller.

She was now standing right above him. She tried to listen for breath-nothing, so she slowly bend herself to get closer to his face.

His eyes sprung open. She screamed, he screamed. She jumped backwards two steps and he rolled in one surprising graceful barrel roll off of the rock and into the pond.

She screamed again! She ran over and helped lift him up out of the shallow water to the pond bank.

"Why'd you sneak up on me?" He pleaded.

"I'm sorry, you just, looked...I just wanted to make sure you were okay!" Her face began to burn red with embarrassment.

"You thought I was dead!?" he sounded injured by this conclusion.

"No, I just.. I don't know. You were just in the exact same position as when I left and I couldn't see you breathing." none of this implied she didn't think he was dead.

"I'm all wet." He slapped his hands against his soggy cargo pants.

"Oh my God. I'm so sorry." She waited for his response, but he just sat on the rock. His shoulders deflated and he looked down at his hands lazily laying in his lap.

"You did scare me. I guess I scared you too." She tried to force a laugh, with minimal success.

"Yeah. We were both scared." His eyes stayed on his open hands.

"I'm sorry." She really was.

"Yeah," he said, " me too. Me too."

She stood there, arms oh her waist looking around, trying to figure out what to do next. There was silence for a long time.

"Thanks for checking on me," he looked up at her, "you didn't have to do that, no one would have blamed you if you didn't. Even if I had been dead." He smiled.

"Oh, no. No. I'm just a worrier. I just worry." She folded her arms over her chest.

"No. It was really nice. I appreciate it. I probably have sleep apnea. I probably had stopped breathing."

He smiled again, sadly.

"I'm, uh, well, I'm headed back down. Do you...need anything...before I go?"

"I'm fine," he said sadly. "Thanks so much."

The entire walk back down the hill she considered turning back to make sure he was okay. Even as she stood with her hand on the open door of her car, her right foot already in the vehicle, she found herself pausing to look back and see if she could see him make his way down the trail. No sign.

She sighed and fell into the car. He was a grown man. He could take care of himself. She drove away.

[robcrean]

Hey Rob, if you love beards so much, why don't you marry one?

There are still a lot of ignorant people in this country that don't think a man should be allowed to wed a beard. They argue that it's a slippery slope, if we allow men to wed beards, soon they'll want to wed goatees, soul patches, or twirly mixologist mustaches. I of course find the comparison offensive, and don't think God would ever want anyone to marry one of those styles of facial hair.

[robcrean]

I’ve been doing open mics on a consistent basis and I’ve noticed that I feel much more confident the weeks I do them (regardless of if my jokes worked). I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be in life etc. However, as of late I’ve noticed a trend where I’ve also been feeling what seems to be an emotional whiplash. After the confidence wears off (a few days) I appear to be suddenly more vulnerable to words and ideas/thoughts which result in pain. Is this common for comedians or am I the odd ball

I think I get what you're saying. I don't know if this is exactly the same thing, but this is something I experienced.

When I first started doing stand up, especially as I sort of started to, in the most rudimentary way, get the hang of it, I became less funny. As I was slowly getting funnier on stage, I became less funny in life, with friends at parties, etc. As I was thinking of humor more analytically I started to not feel as funny as I had before. Simple things, like, hacky impressions and just quoting lines from funny movies became something I could feel comfortable doing anymore, even though it had given me and my friends joy in the past. I don't know if that' true of every developing comic, or maybe just people pleaser sorts like myself, but once I started to understand comedy better, I realized I had a lot more work to do that I'd thought.

A solution for you, though, might be, just go to more mics!

[robcrean]

Sup rob I did a tour with you the other day and I just wanted to ask you… what’s the weirdest thing that’s occurred or you’ve seen on one of those things also if you get to keep the suit?

Great Questions!

I DON'T get to keep the suit, which I know because I have worn through SEVERAL!

Weirdest thing I ever saw is a tough question, there needs to be categories. Like, probably the two WEIRDEST things I ever saw involved knives are a kind of bummers, so maybe I'll leave those at that, but I can tell you a few more fun stories.

Just today, I was leading a tour, I had my group sitting on steps while I told them a story, and someone not on the tour came up with a camera. I am very accustomed to people coming up to me and taking pictures without permission, I don't like it, but I am used to it. This guy however, instead took a picture of my group sitting on the steps. I asked, "do any of you know that guy?" as he walked away, and we had a good laugh about it. A similar, but even odder story is, once I was on Boston Common waiting for a tour and a group of you ladies excitedly approached me with a phone out and asked if I could take a picture, but they didn't want a picture with me, they wanted a picture with the lemonade cart selling overpriced drinks on Boston Common. I can't tell if it was a prank on me, or if they were just really excited to get a photo with a lemonade cart, but either way, it made my day!

Another time, as I was about to cross the street, a chopper motorcyle with Boston sports logos driven by a similarly logoed mad drove by blaring The Dropkick Murphy's "I'm Shipping Up to Boston". It was a perfect Boston moment.

[robcrean]

What is your favorite podcast that you are not a part of, Rob?

So many! I love The Dan Gould Hour, Last Podcast on The Left, My Favorite Murder, Comedy Bang Band, Threedom, Conan. I like the podcast versions of The Daily Show and Seth Meyers. Also, really like audiobooks, I get them from Libby, a library app.

[robcrean]

Happy Birthday Rob! Give or take a few days! I miss your regular comedy presence!

Thanks! I'm back!

[robcrean]

I know this hoes ain't rightBut you was blown up her phone last nightBut she ain't have a ringer nor her ring on last night, ohNigga, that's that nerve Why give a bitch your heart? When she rather have a purse Why give a bitch an inch?When she rather have nine You know how the game goes She be mine, by half-time, I'm the shit, ohN*gga, that's that nerve You all about her, and she all about hers Birdman junior in this bitch, no flamingos And I done did everything but trust these hoes

I like that you choice to use a * in only one of the instances.

[robcrean]

what's the worst thing a girl has ever done to you?

Probably been my roommate and left without ever paying utilities she owned. I've been much more wronged by men it seems.

[robcrean]

I wanna know: have you ever seen the rain?

Does it count if it was coming down on a sunny day?

[robcrean]

Can you put on a live variety show? Comedians, musicians, story tellers, dogs.

David Cross once said, "never work with Dogs or cops or kids." seems like good advice.

[robcrean]

45 years ago this month man first stepped foot on the moon. Despite overwhelming proof that the mission did in fact take place, many believe that the moon landing never actually happened. What do you believe?

I think it probably happened, but the conspiracy theory I do kind of like is that though it did happen, it looked bad and so the footage we saw was fake. I think that seems plausible. Also I like the "moon is cheese" theory too.

[robcrean]

Yo, how do we sign up to do standup on tuesdays at the Middle East?

Write your name on a dollar bill. Put it into an empty (please EMPTY) Mountain Dew Red Zone bottle and throw it as hard as you can into the Charles River. If this doesn't seem your speed, Midway or The Highway is just a regular bucket mic every Sunday.

[robcrean]

Is The Middle East hosting comedy open mics on Tuesdays? If so, time? Sign-up? Thanks! -Jeff

I haven't been there in years. I actually heard that the whole club slid into the Charles River, which seems strange, as it's about a mile away from the river, but what do I know?

[robcrean]

Coulda? Please? I'd appreciate it.

Nah.

[robcrean]

Hey Rob,as you know I've have been going to Great Scott for the Gas about twice a month or so for the past year, and I have to say I am pretty pissed off right now. The part where you guys slam the door shut, close the blinds,kill the audio system and make me sit outside while you quietly have your show? Yes, it got funny- all through the Summer even. I would say it peaked in July. Some good chuckles at your commitment to the bit. But is has been a year, and the joke is over dude.Let me in!

RIP Great Scott.

[robcrean]

If you’re a comedian why do I think you’re not funny?

Great Question. The most obvious answer is probably that comedy is subjective. Certain things ring humorous to some, but not to others. Humor is not a monolith. It varies from generation to generation, culture to culture, time period to time period. It's most likely that my brand of comedy just doesn't quite hit the spot for your tastes, and yet, have a sneaking suspicion that in this case, it's some sort of brain disease and I would suggest you seek medical help immediately.

[robcrean]

Are you related to Dan Crean, the drummer for Semi Precious Weapons?

I don't know! Is that band good?