roastedpepper

[roastedpepper]

i biked to the ridgewood reservoir today and had a fight with my mom and a bunch of hard convos with my roommate and landlord and am now so so so relieved because i think we are finally making progress on the pest situation in my apartment, like we finally came to an agreement on how to treat it and i am now completely exhausted its crazy how much tension i was holding this week

[roastedpepper]

woven (and combined technique) sample collection inspired by primary forest in Yakushima, Japan. All yarns except embroidery threads are hand dyed or painted.

[roastedpepper]

Ice suspended around a tree trunk after flood water has receded

[roastedpepper]

John Little (Canadian, 1928-2024), Rue O'Connell Angle St-Simon, in Disappearing Quebec, 1968. Oil on canvas, 12 x 16 in.

[roastedpepper]

Polaroids of Tony Leung and Maggie Cheung in Wong Kar-wai’s ‘In The Mood For Love’ (2000)

[roastedpepper]

had a really magical weekend because i took a spontaneous trip up to western mass to catch wild ice and miraculously made it in time to skate on my favorite lake for like 3 hours and got to see all my friends who were so happy to take me in and drive me around i felt so lucky. and then i met this beautiful man on the train (second time this has happened to me) and we talked for the entire ride from new haven back to nyc and he invited me to his party that evening and then as soon as i got off at my stop i remembered that our entire blocks water was shut off so i couldnt take a shower or use the bathroom AND got a text from this guy i had been talking to and genuinely developing a teensy crush on from afar trying to warn me (??) that he doesnt have his shit together and is "terrible at relationships" (direct quote) and it totally threw off the rest of my evening and im still sad about it lol. i totally jumped to conclusions too and assumed he was trying to let me down and was pretty reactive and petty about it and now i feel bad because my friend said he was just being earnest. but another situation where im like, did i fumble or dodge a bullet????? i genuinely cant tell. i dont want to date someone who is terrible at relationships but also i had a really good feeling about him until he said that shit :/ and its just like when will something actually work OUT for once

[roastedpepper]

reckless winter // toronto, canada // 2007 // ©

[roastedpepper]

agenda for today is bake bread, finish pale fire, do some journaling/intention-setting, keep checking the co op website for open checkout shifts...maybe go see a movie later

[roastedpepper]

is the answer going back to school?? like would engaging with ideas and critical writing make me feel like i have something valuable to contribute to conversations with people and am worthy of meaningful connection again? maybe but i also love my job and dont want to give that up right now so the alternative solution is just reading more on my own time but thats just hard to do without structure

[roastedpepper]

idk where im going with this exactly. i guess that despite having an active social life i still feel really sad and misunderstood and alone in the world most of the time and im not sure where it comes from and i am constantly terrified of any kind of catastrophic event that would ruin my health isolate me further, severe long covid being the obvious bogeyman but it could be anything. and i also dont even know what "understanding" me would look like considering i dont know who i am anymore. anyway dont mind me just on my period

[roastedpepper]

at the same time its like, people have lived through pandemics and war and political upheaval before and i dont know why this particular moment in history feels so desperately alienating when the vast majority of art and literature that exists today was produced by people who went through something similar or worse. idk i feel like there is something uniquely horrible and isolating about living through all this during the digital age, like i feel like the way people are (dis)connected from one another is somehow worse than everyone dying of the black plague because at least they died together. like the modern-day social construction of disease and illness is what makes it so terrifying. irrational thought but you know what i mean.

[roastedpepper]

like ultimately i think i'm just super bored but simultaneously i feel like im unable to engage with anything that interests me because my attention span is shot and i spend hours and hours looking at my phone every day literally just switching between apps until its dark out and i have to put myself to bed and i feel like im wasting away cognitively and creatively and its so terrifying. i barely have a sense of humor anymore, i can't remember words or turns of phrase, my writing isn't as complex as it used to be, i'm even having issues spelling. and i hate to blame covid but i rly do feel like im operating at lower cognitive capacity ever since my january infection and it scares the shit out of me.

[roastedpepper]

anyway i do need to find a therapist because i think the past four years have traumatized me in really insidious ways but i dont even know where to begin. like do i want someone who is covid cautious and will validate my fears around that, or do i want someone who isn't particularly strict and can help me manage anxiety and balance some level of precaution with normal life? honestly i think the latter but like at what cost....and then entirely separate from that theres just like a heaping pile of insecurities and attachment issues that seemingly no therapist is able to untangle and an individuality complex that feeds into my fear of being misunderstood by everyone AND this new personal narrative where i dont think i have a personality or inner world or creative impulses anymore and am just a numb thoughtless social media cog without any original thoughts or feelings of my own. need to figure that one out as well.

i think my number one fear is social isolation and all other phobias can be traced to that...like all of my health & medical anxiety is related to the possibility of being entirely alone and misunderstood in my suffering. as though there aren't people everywhere moving through life sick and disabled. but for some reason every time i have a personal health issue i spiral as though im the only person in the world who's ever experienced anything like it and can no longer relate to the rest of society. and this can be something as small as a cold or menstrual cramps at this point...i really am sick in the head

[roastedpepper]

i think my number one fear is social isolation and all other phobias can be traced to that...like all of my health & medical anxiety is related to the possibility of being entirely alone and misunderstood in my suffering. as though there aren't people everywhere moving through life sick and disabled. but for some reason every time i have a personal health issue i spiral as though im the only person in the world who's ever experienced anything like it and can no longer relate to the rest of society. and this can be something as small as a cold or menstrual cramps at this point...i really am sick in the head

[roastedpepper]

like i woke up in the middle of the night last night with hives on my legs which hasnt happened in YEARS but id guess has something to do w/ the fact that i just got my hep b vaccine & thats like giving my immune system a little boost, and i also ate a banana w/ soy butter right before bed. and have been experiencing regular bloating in the mornings for the past 2 years honestly ever since i moved to ny and started eating a lot more bread and dairy....:/ contrasted with a few weeks ago when i had a meal that was just broccoli and fish and felt SOOO good the next morning. chocolate has always given me headaches & im very sensitive to alcohol/will wake up with allergy symptoms after i drink :/ :/ :/ it all would make sense but i dont want to changeeee

starting to think a lot of my issues are related to histamine levels which is ughhhhh...i really dont want to have to put that much thought into my diet

[roastedpepper]

starting to think a lot of my issues are related to histamine levels which is ughhhhh...i really dont want to have to put that much thought into my diet

[roastedpepper]

rare soviet-era cheburashka dolls