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I

I been thinking

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Oracle spectacle!! And kleptomania deceiver with natural magick

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When my thoughts are clear, I think I can respond to this ranting questions with: “if you had not been born from your mother, what if you were going to be born anyway, just through different person and not your mom? In a completely different place and different era? You’ll never know right?”

I don’t know if my thoughts are clouded though. Maybe I’ll ask the same question LOL.

MOM I DON'T WANT A JOB I WANT TO FUCKING DIE!! I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN INTO THIS FLESH PRISON. WHY DO SO MANY LOVELESS PEOPLE PROCREATE?!??!?!?!?!?

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I look downward, I see downward,

Looking negative, seeing negative,

I see downward.

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Is it cuz I’ve done nothing? That I wasn’t welcome when I arrived late at the door? That I didn’t decide on my will? I want all this, after all the finger bleeding and my brain exploding. I might be full of flaws, but I have no hard feelings towards whatsoever…

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We’re just copying each other lol

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I used to be overexcited when I discovered a super cool band and super cool music and so I really wanted everyone close to me to listen to it too and also felt more people should listen to it. I did with some bands. Especially AM!! But what did it take me too? Mixed feelings… cringe, disgust, shame, all that unnecessary negativity. I used to feel awkward listening to songs not many people around don’t know about, now I could not feel OK sharing those kind of music.

Now you imbecile braindead poseurs stay the fuck away from SIX.

Onto digressing…

Basically just keep your family and children from any social media as random people too though. Internet’s a horrible place now that too fucking many clueless indecent braindeads are in it, mindlesy throwing whatever dumbshit opinions they need to keep it to themselves and just walking the fuck away.

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MANSUN makes me dream again. Dream to play actual great music!!!

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the band of my life is finally coming into town..................... think im gonna crumble on the spot T____T

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hello dad. how are you doing? it’s been a week already, yeah?

we might not be the type to talk a lot about something serious between or among us. now there’s no more chance to talk about anything at all when there is quite a lot I really want to talk about with. guess regrets come afterwards...

anyway, since there’s no use to try to talk or express thoughts or whatever... 

we miss you, dad. especially mom. we’re always praying for you. let’s meet someday in a better place... in the best place possible...

bye, dad. see you later.

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wtf tumblr? why am i seeing SO MANY posts from blogs that I don’t follow? i’m getting out of here soon then, fucker.

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13 by Blur. What a masterpiece!!!

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Wisdom... snap!

I’ve always had an idea of being complete, having an ultimately complete life. Ideas come, go, and evolve though. One thing that somehow keeps hanging on my mind is wisdom. It’s not original most probably though, someone else with higher level of intelligence and decency must have thought of wisdom as one ultimate achievement in life...

Anyway, not wanting to sound too philosophical for an intro. I just wanted to say I am quite proud of not snapping so easily today hahaha. I got really, really close to just snap for a problem that keeps happening to my belongings in which it is not in my control directly. I was quite mad and my blood flowed so quickly it urged me to just get angry and blame everyone involved, and I had a decision to do just that or to stay quiet and calm myself down in the head. I did the latter and after a few hours I seemed to not have a reason to be angry anymore. Though problems hadn’t been solved, I felt less angrier and much calmer to go through and come up for solutions. Long story short, problems were solved and vibes were positive, which could have gone completely the wrong way some other times. I am happy for the fact that I just have to wait for a few hours to be patient and get rewarded pretty much instantly by being patient and not snapping out! 

I haven’t felt rewarded this much, this instantly, after holding back from anger for so long. I think I have stepped one stone into a journey of wisdom I have been longing for.... Maybe someday I can become wiser. :)

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I go out in the city and stay away from the bugs oh yeah na na na na na oh nooo

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Gods must be crazy???

I’m trying to sleep but somehow after a coffee talk something blitzes out in my head and I’m suddenly thinking about that movie I watched when I was little and it is one hell of a hilarious movie I have ever seen. I used to watch it and I laughed a lot like constantly non-stop, I mean that scene when the little brothers were kinda trapped in a water tank trying to coordinate and get out of it and fall over and over again? The uncontrollable vehicle with fail coordination while one man fights the others? And it also demonstrates how intelligent the main man, the elder local when he put out massive wildfire, that is insane. But that’s not what I am thinking about now.

There are scenes that show a group of local people in a very isolated place from outer world and we can see how they live in such a community. They wear as little clothes as one can to conceal certain parts of their body, they eat things they can get from such a wild circumstance, they would walk so far just to get food and water. But somehow they look so happy and loving each other like they don’t have such problems that would make them stressful enough. I think there was a scene when the main man were gifted something, maybe money if I’m not mistaken, from an american lady for some tokens of gratitude, and he’s rejecting it but he is forced to take it so he takes it and then in the end he just throws it away because he doesn’t have a clue what to do with it. Like, money is so valuable to so many people in the world that they would die for it, but to some it is just meaningless. And other mundane things that we mostly worship that they don’t give a fuck about.

You can say, yeah, there’s nothing to buy so it’s useless and you’re right. And I’m not actually talking about money anyway, it’s only for demonstration. It is about options.

In our modern life, we have so many options to choose. Say we have money, just enough. Then we can spend it however we want to. Sometimes it is well spent, other times it is complete opposite. To decide when it is well spent or complete opposite is not easy, at least at some point, right? At worst it could make our life so miserable, or even lead someone to the point of no return, whatever that means. And it seems it’s not so little of a chance that it would happen, in fact it happens. I mean, economy is inflating everywhere when we think our lives become more advanced is it not?? So decision making with so many options is not so easy after all. There are lots of research about options and decision making, lots of articles and youtube videos. I have tried in some games too it is harder when there are a lot of choices that I end up deciding the worst possible combination of choice. So, I’m asking myself, why?

I don’t really know. I’m not doing research or reading lots of studies about it, I’m just wondering how I feel about that. One simple idea that comes to mind is that human has impulses and human has the need to survive. If we were to be punched in the face, we would have reacted in some ways, maybe evading, maybe blocking, right? There’s just no other way around it. We are getting pushed into a corner, we have limited options. The end result would be, yeaa maybe we get a bit hurt here and there, or maybe we can escape from getting any punches, or even get knocked down so hard, or even more so we fight back and win. But why are we getting into a fight in the first place? Why are we having problems with other people? Is it because how we deal with problems? Why do we deal with problems in such a way? Why do we become such a person to take such an approach to deal with problems? Don’t we have options not to be such a person, or to prevent people close to us to become one? I actually said we so many times without knowing how people do with their options and choices, but me personally, ohhh I have lots of options to take and I end up miserable here. I have so many options to take and I have chosen so many terrible decision. I said human has the need to survive. Human can run away from problems and feel good about it, human can face problems and get knocked out in some other way. Feeling good is one mechanism for survival, but how good is that good? Most of the times in modern life where lots of options are available, ones that would feel good are bad. Feeling good is actually so terrifying. I’m so used to feeling good and you know as you’re getting older life won’t give you the good feeling, in fact it would squeeze you and your soul. It’s like playing chess and the engine tells you that your position is completely winning, but you snap and make comfortable move that completely turns the game around because you feel good and become careless when you have lots of options to make a winning move. Why not? Human impulses are mostly to make us feel good, many of them point to the wrong way.

I remember reading something in that mark manson’a famous book, that we kind of need to be in negative state at some point to actually have positive end result. I totally agree, but completely not implementing that. It’s simple, right? You want to succeed in test, just study hard and study properly, right? You want to earn lots of money, just work hard (and I mean constantly and smart). You want to have a fit body, go exercise. Are they all easy? Hell no. It’s torture, even more so when we’re trying to be consistent about it. Why? Most of the time we just have urge to avoid them because we want to feel good now, in the moment, this second. It’s just the impulses that we have when we have options to avoid the hard things and still be okay in the moment because nothing is forcing us to be in the corner. There are so much justification to avoid such tortures, to feel good. But guess what, those torturing things would give us the ultimate good feeling because it actually rewards us things we want from it in the end, and we know it!! But we, or rather I am not doing any of the likes because… I just want to feel good. Now. In the present.

It’s not that feeling good is all that bad, though. It’s just that for me it has come to the point where I don’t deserve to feel good so easily because I haven’t done anything much, haven’t suffered quite enough. It is so easy to pick up bad habits and addictions when there are so many options that we can pick up and choose and it has been built up for dare I say eighty percent of my life that I think of myself as a despicable worthless piece of shit that deserves nothing good in this world. I know options would generally improve the quality of humankind, at least theoretically, but we need such a high level of wisdom that we should seek and build on in order to utilize options that life would present so that we can achieve the ultimate “feel good” and happiness that we all basically want and have a peaceful, memorable, meaningful life, and to be given the best place in the afterlife.

All in all, I was just saying, the movies are excellent, and I’m in a hole now due to a series of continuous terrible decision-making that are made of feel-good-influenced impulses. I should have been a math professor by now… or at least making tons of money. Instead I’m struggling to understand simple things and I’m constantly letting down people I care the most and I… don’t know what to do anymore

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what happened to you, kid? what are you doing? you were brilliant 20 years ago. i’m sorry mom, dad.

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purpose of life

hello, kid. 

if you manage to find this out, there’s something i want to tell you, if i somehow happen to not be around and you don’t despise me well enough about that, but if you do then just stop right here. i was just imagining if you would get bored with school life at some point that you would not study enough and do just nothing, then i have something to tell you about. it might not make sense or maybe just simply nonsense for anyone to read, you can still stop right here and now, but i will just write it anyway. most things make no sense anyway.

first of all, why were we born and why did we live in the first place? simple answer: to know and worship Almighty God. however, let’s put aside religion things first, i mean if you somehow decided to go through that path completely and managed to live through, i would very much appreciate and even bow down to you for being so ultimately excellent. but just suppose we don’t have to do all that. what’s the purpose of us to live for, that we would end up dead anyway? it would mean that we live for nothing, wouldn’t it? if it were true, then why do we keep on living?

imagine you are falling while riding a bicycle, would you feel pain? if so, then death would be infinitely more painful than that. so, it’s understandable if human don’t want to die because of that. but wanna keep living without purpose? without meaning? it’s less understandable, but still understandable though. we might just want to be happy and enjoy live, right? like, you might not care about anything at all as long as you’re happy playing games with good friends and might as well do it forever if you could. but life wouldn’t give us such things so easily. oh, maybe you already know it and i am truly sorry for that. now, suppose you play games with friend like all day and that is all you do. you don’t eat. you don’t drink. you don’t sleep. and then you feel hungry and thirsty and sleepy. would you still enjoy playing games? i suppose you would not, but if you do, please just eat something. you might not even think where those foods are coming from, you might think it’s just there, and no it’s not just there. someone, probably your mum would get you your food, and drinks, and shirt, trousers, phone, bed, video games, computer, whatever. and it probably cost her some money. yes, money. where do we get money from? we get it mostly from working, right? what do you think how we do when we are working? it could be fun, could be boring, could be painful. there are lots of type of line of work, but normal people like me we work 8+1 hour a day five times a week, and i could say it is painful, especially me because i wasn’t actually qualified enough to do the work and my brain is virtually empty, in other words i am stupid. i am an idiot, yes. and why is that? it is because i wasted so much time wandering around doing nothing but useless things, and one of them was me being lazy at school. i didn’t study hard enough. i played too much games. i hung out too much. 

so, what i want to say is, if you ever hate school and studying, just remember that you would end up being an idiot like me. i’m not asking you to study all day, no. i absolutely understand if you feel overwhelmed by school sometimes, to go through bunch of homeworks and learning about things you don’t like, it’s all normal. but remember, if that was all you have to do, then someone like you somewhere might have to do it while they have to find something to eat by themselves too. so please, keep on studying and train yourself at productive things you like so you can be the best person you could be. dream big and go for it. if you don’t know what you like, consult your mom she will probably know anything you ask about. then you can have a great life with that, and work would not be so painful in the future. and then you can search the true meaning of life without hunger in your belly and without brutal battles within your mind. i don’t even know purposes and meanings of life, lol.

anyway... whatever you do, whatever you like, whatever you want to be, i suggest one simple thing: avoid being like me. you might very well understand about that anyway though. 

good luck, kid. i love you.