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rishiguro · 6 months ago

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ECHOES OF US - K. TETSUROU

synopsis: you truly thought you‘d be forever.

warnings: 7.5k of pure angst. break up. hurt/no comfort. slight allusion to past abuse and failed relationships. cross posted to ao3!

today was supposed to be a good day.

with it being the weekend, you decided to sleep in late and have a slow start to your morning. you allowed yourself to rot in your bed for a while before finally getting up and getting yourself ready. your heart skipped a little beat when you remembered that you and your boyfriend planned to go out for brunch today, which immediately made getting yourself washed up so much easier.

you tried to ignore the heavy feeling in your heart as you made your way to the café, telling yourself that you had no reason to be this anxious. sure, the last weeks were a little weird, with him behaving a little odd – one day being the best boyfriend he could ever be, while practically ignoring you the next – but surely, he had his reasons. it must’ve been stressful at work, or something else bothered him, something he wasn’t able to share yet. you had always stressed how you would never force him to talk to you about anything, however you made sure to show him that you were always there for him, no matter what weighed heavy on his mind.

maybe he would be able to talk to you today.

when you saw kuroo, a smile immediately appeared on your lips. even though he was just standing there, slightly leaning on a stone wall, his eyes on the phone in his hands, you thought he looked as handsome as ever. you quickly approached him, greeting him with a hug, but when you went in for a kiss, you noticed how he turned away slightly, instead motioning for the two of you to go inside the little café.

a bit suspicious you furrowed your eyebrows, however you decided to wave your concerns away and simply enjoy a nice morning with your boyfriend. the two of you enjoyed a delicious brunch – which he paid for, not even allowing you to protest – talking about the past week and enjoying each other’s company.

you patiently waited for kuroo to share more than just the superficial pleasantries that were usually reserved for the first five minutes of the two of you seeing each other, however, he acted reserved, letting you carry the entire conversation.

your heart grew heavier, but you again waved it off.

instead, you smiled warmly at him as he suggested going for a walk through the calm neighborhood.

with a locked jaw you walked beside him, one hand clenched at your side. with every passing silent second, the lump in your throat grew. kuroo was uncharacteristically quiet, simply staring forward as he walked, not even glancing in your direction.

your boyfriend was usually great at reading the room and sensing when energies were off. you never knew if that stemmed from his countless years of playing volleyball and having to interpret and anticipate everybody’s reactions in split-seconds, if he was super intuitive or if he simply knew you so well. usually, kuroo was scaringly accurate with his perceptions and equally great at dissolving tensions.

until he wasn’t anymore. not when it came to your relationship, that is.

you had noticed him acting strangely for the last couple of weeks. you didn’t say anything, thinking that he would come to you sooner or later, however, no matter what you did – acting like everything was fine or showing support – nothing changed. sure, everybody had bad days and you certainly didn’t expect your boyfriend to always be in a good mood and be able to devote his everything to you, however, things have changed.

he went from replying quickly, to once a day, to once every three days. from reaching out and wanting to talk to you regularly to withdrawing himself, never initiating a conversation. from greeting you with a kiss, to a short peck, to nothing.

it was like he went from being your boyfriend to being… whatever he was now.

as you walked in silence, you knew that whatever was going on had to be brought to light. you couldn’t stand being the only one in this relationship, no matter how much you loved him. you felt yourself being thinned out, like a knot slowly being undone or a string threatening to break.

when did it even come to this?

slowly, you inched your hand closer to kuroo’s.

you craved for his warm touch, his hand engulfing yours as his thumb brushed over the back of it. a small and simple gesture, one that always helped ground you and calm your racing mind.

you longed for something that would reassure you in his love for you.

your fingertips brushed over your boyfriend’s hand, trying to interlace your fingers.

you could feel your heart shatter when kuroo flinched away, stuffing his hand into his pocket.

defeated, you shut your eyes. before you could stop yourself, the words tumbled out of your mouth. “tetsu, i think we should talk”

he hummed, quickly turning his head to you, before looking forward again. “what’s going on? are you okay?”

no. you weren’t. your boyfriend wasn’t talking to you and you felt like your relationship was falling apart and there was nothing you could do, because every attempt at bettering the situation was either unsuccessful or shut down completely.

and yet, your wellbeing wasn’t the first thing on your mind. it was his. no matter how distant he seemed, no matter how many times he dodged your kisses or canceled your dates last minute, you couldn’t bring yourself to stay mad at him. maybe you should be. you should respect yourself and your feelings more.

but how could you when he seemed to be battling something? how could you even dare to look at him the wrong way?

“actually, this is what i wanted to ask you”

“what, me? i’m fine” kuroo replied almost immediately, making your brows furrow. he surely didn’t think he could get rid of you that easily, did he? to no big surprise, it was hard to believe him. the change in your boyfriend’s behavior was suspicious and worrying. he went from an attentive and loving partner to one that sometimes didn’t even care about you, for no apparent reason. surely something must have happened.

but if everything was fine, then why was he acting so off? “then what’s going on?”

kuroo walked beside you in silence for a few seconds, before shaking his head. “nothing,” he muttered, shrugging slightly.

you stopped in your tracks, your hands shoved in the pockets of your jacket to stop yourself from reaching out for him again. “tetsu, you can talk to me. i’m not mad or anything, i’m concerned. you’ve been off for a while and i just–”

“it’s nothing. i promise,” he stressed, cutting you off as he turned to look at you. and while there were only one or two meters between you, it felt like you were on two different worlds. “everything is alright”

you pressed your lips together, clenching your jaw. you didn’t want to admit that you hated how he had brushed you off again, but you also couldn’t ignore the stinging pain in your chest.

you don’t know what would be worse: him lying to you because he felt like he couldn’t trust you with whatever was bothering him that made him act so off or him being truthful and simply… changing like so.

the former would feel like you were failing as a partner. after all, if you didn’t trust the person you’re in a committed relationship with, who could you trust?

the latter however… you didn’t even want to think about it. the truth was, you couldn’t see yourself in a relationship with somebody who was willing to treat you like that. no matter how much you loved them, you knew that you deserved better than this.

giving up was never an option for you. especially not when it came to love.

but could you even call it ‘giving up’ when there was nothing left for you to fight for?

suppressing a deep sigh, you caught up to him, calling out his name. “you could have just told me, you know”

“what?”

your lips turned into a sad smile as you looked at the floor. your eyes followed a lone pebble being kicked by kuroo’s feet with every step.

“that you fell out of love with me”

“what?” his head shot around, looking at you confused. “i didn’t”

“please don’t lie to me” a part of you wanted to look up at him, examine his face. was he shocked at your statement? sad? angry? maybe even happy that he didn’t have to be the one to tell you this? or worst of all, what if he look at you bored and completely uninterested? what if he was just okay with breaking your heart? “that’s the one thing i want from you. and you know that”

“but i love you,” kuroo stated, more confused than outraged. you immediately shook your head. why was he so calm? weren’t you supposed to feel more when your significant other was convinced that you didn’t love them anymore?

maybe it was childish of you to think he would’ve reacted any other way, but a part of you wanted him to show at least some emotion, try to convince you that his feelings hadn’t changed ever since he told you these magical three words for the very first time. you wanted him to stand up and show you that he still cared, prove to you that these weren’t just empty words that left his mouth, but that there was actual meaning behind them.

that the voice in your head was wrong.

but he did none of the sorts. he just looked at you confused – not even in the slightest bit worried – seemingly unaware of the hurt visible on your face.

or maybe he saw it and simply chose to ignore it.

it was only then that you dared to meet his eyes, your voice shaking as you spoke. “tetsurou, it’s okay. we can’t choose who we fall in love with and we don’t decide when we fall out of love, hm?”

for the first time, you couldn’t read him. his face was blank, only blinking repeatedly, before he looked away from you.

with a slightly trembling hand, you waited for any kind of reaction. a tear, a shaking breath, even a laugh. anything.

anything but this neutral look.

you always prided yourself in noticing when something was weighing on his mind. it was a distant look on his face, silent, giddy laughs or restless legs. but now, kuroo wore an unmoving face and slow, but steady steps took him forward. he didn’t even look at you, not allowing you to actually look at him.

no matter how you two would end, here he wasn’t your kuroo anymore.

he hasn’t been your kuroo for a while.

after what felt like an eternity of silence, the man of stone beside you started to speak.

“i’m sorry,” kuroo said with a hoarse voice. he didn’t even dare to look at you, instead staring into the gray sky while blinking repeatedly. he swallowed thickly, “you have to believe me, i really am”

you nodded along softly, your lips biting the inner part of your cheek. “it’s not that i don’t want to believe you,” you sighed softly, pausing for a second as you swallowed a small lump in your throat. you shook your head as your lips turned upward into a sad smile, turning your face away. “i just don’t understand”

and before you could stop yourself, the words just tumbled out. “you tell me that you haven’t fallen out of love with me and yet you refuse to kiss me, touch me or even look at me. you tell me you haven’t fallen out of love with me and yet we sit here and you have this look in your eyes like a kicked dog that can’t get up anymore”

you could feel him staring a hole into you, but you continued to look forward as you walked, pouring your bleeding heart out. “it’s hard to even have regular conversations with you, you barely reach out and when you do–if you do– it’s like i’m talking to someone who isn’t even interested in me, much less loves me. and yet, when we’re together, you can be so sweet and attentive and caring, only to revert back to your cold self the moment any of us leaves the room”

you took at deep breath before you turned back to him, immediately being faced with a shocked expression on kuroo’s face, almost like he had no idea that his behavior would affect you. his eyes were so full of pity, the same look in them that he had when a friend just told him how they got their heart broken. you almost wanted to scream at him, to tell him to not look at you with those eyes.

after all, he was the one that was breaking your heart. he had no right to look at you like this. “you tell me that you love me and that i should know that you love me like you had done nothing in your life but show me that, even when you clearly haven’t”

you couldn’t help but scoff, throwing your arms in the air. this felt like a joke, like a stupid climax in a shitty romance movie, a plot point to only stir up drama.

you hated these kinds of movies. they always followed the same bad formula, with the same

kuroo however loved these movies. they were cheesy and clichè but somehow, he always dragged you along to watch them, teasing you with the terrible lines delivered in an over-dramatic tone for the following week.

and while yes, he found these films entertaining, you would’ve never imagined that he would actively try to mirror these stories with your relationship.

“what is it then? if you still love me, why are you doing this to me?” you demanded harshly, nodding your head along, expectantly. “tell me”

kuroo brought his hand to his lips, picking the dry skin. your eyes flickered down, noticing the soft red stain on his fingers when he removed them from his now bleeding lip. so did he and he quickly shoved his hand into his pocket. “i just,” he began, eyes darting from side to side as he spoke slowly. “i don’t think i can do this right now”

“do what?” you pressed further.

“this,” he confessed, his finger pointing at himself and you repeatedly. “us”

you blinked at him, confused, as you felt your heart tear in your chest. “what?” your voice was nothing more than a whisper.

“i don’t think i can stay in this relationship”

you never believed it when people said you could feel your heart shatter in your chest.

you always believed they were overdramatic, after all, your heart was a muscular organ, pumping blood through your body.

but as you stood there, your brain still processing the words that just left kuroo’s lips, you realized just how wrong you were. your chest suddenly felt empty and hollow, a deep throbbing where your heart should have been, aching inside it. your lungs contracted, pushing out any air inside of them and leaving you to gasp for more.

“you deserve something better. something more stable,” he immediately continued, not even letting you have a second to react, or even to breathe. “i don’t think i am what you need. much less what you deserve”

“why won’t you let me be the judge of that?” you whispered hoarsely, the lump in your throat not allowing you to be any louder. “isn’t that something only i should get to decide for myself?”

you should be angry at him. more than that, you should be furious, not because he chose for himself, but because he made a decision for you.

your mind ran wild as soon as you realized the gravity of his choice. at this point, it wasn’t just about his supposed insecurities, it wasn’t about his doubts and his feelings – it was about you and what he deemed to be the best for you, without even consulting you.

you don’t know if it was an easy choice for him, you hoped it wasn’t. it shouldn’t be. you weren’t a child he had to parent, a kid that couldn’t see the bigger picture and didn’t know what was best for them. you were an adult that could decide for themself and you were willing to bear the consequences of said decision – good and bad.

you could stomach just about anything. arguments, falling out of love or even betrayal. these things were bound to happen in life and you certainly wouldn’t be an exception.

what you couldn’t bear was somebody deciding your path for you, with seemingly no concern for your wants or wishes.

how dare he choose for you? after all you two had been through together?

you wanted to scream at him, but instead, you clenched your jaw shut, balling your hands into tight fists. your fingernails dug deep into your palm.

hesitantly, kuroo breathed in. he had an almost shy look on his face as he glanced at you before averting his gaze. “what are we going to do?” he asked quietly with an almost childlike sound to his voice.

“‘we’?” you scoffed, a mocking smile twirling your lips as you stared away from him. “you just told me what you want to do”

he immediately raised his arms in defense, his eyes wide in shock. “no, wait–”

“i’m not going to beg for you to stay, tetsurou,” you stated, scaring yourself with how apathetic your voice sounded.

somehow, you still wanted to believe that whatever you said now, could somehow trigger a change of heart in him. a sappy, cheesy, heartfelt monologue like in one of those movies that for some reason made him cry more than a few times.

if he had brought this up earlier, you probably would have. but now, you just couldn’t.

you don’t know what scared you more.

the thought of losing him, or how you were terrifyingly apathetic at the thought of losing him.

“if you want to leave, i’m not going to force you to be with me. and i think you already made your decision”

“i haven’t,” kuroo denied while vehemently shaking his head. he reached out to you and grabbed your hand, both of his hands engulfing your tight fist.

you ripped your hand away from him, not allowing you to soak in his familiar warmth. “stop lying,” you stressed before taking a deep breath. you looked away from him for a moment and tried to collect yourself. lashing out wouldn’t do any good now. you felt powerless, like a sheep being forced into a corner, faced with a choice: fight or accept the looming fate.

maybe you should fight. but what if you didn’t have the strength to do so anymore?

you turned back to him with a sad smile. “i know, okay? it’s fine”

except that everything inside of you screamed in agony.

“i don’t think i have,” kuroo whispered back.

shutting your eyes, you couldn’t help but sigh. “then what are we doing here? why did you tell me this? did you think i would be magically able to fix whatever is going on? without even knowing anything?”

from the moment you met him, you always knew that kuroo was an exceptionally smart man. he never failed to surprise you with his understanding of situations and complex concepts, being able to make almost every piece of knowledge he came across his own, as long as he had some time to concentrate on it. he followed various lines of thinking like they were his own, easily understanding them and reaching conclusions.

and now he looked at you like a deer caught in the headlights when you presented him with the consequences of his decision today.

how could somebody so knowledgeable be so dense? did he truly have no idea what he was doing? what he was saying?

“yeah,” you breathed softly. “that’s what i thought”

“i’m scared,” kuroo suddenly blurted out, looking down at his shoes with slightly reddened cheeks. “i lost someone before. i don’t want to lose you too”

“i don’t want to make the wrong choice” “i’m sorry”

“i know you are.”

as you kept looking away from him, your eyes found two birds, flying around. it almost looked like a dance, before one of them decided that he had enough and flew away, leaving the other one behind. you looked back at him, carefully avoiding his eyes and instead looking at his nose bridge. “but it still isn’t fair”

the two of you came across a bench and wordlessly you agreed to sit down. silence settled over you, the both of you lost in thought.

maybe you should stand up and leave. there was no way the two of you could come back from that. not like anybody was planning that. you had said what you wanted and got at least some form of closure.

staying longer would only cause you more hurt when you already had enough wounds to lick.

yet before you could move a muscle, kuroo started to speak. “there was… a person. a while back” your head turned to him. he sat there like a statue, eyes cast downward, his face would be expressionless, if it wasn’t for a melancholic look in his eyes. “a friend. and i fell in love with them” he confessed further, swallowing thickly.

your chest ached. you shouldn’t be surprised.

of course there was somebody else.

yet you remained silent and simply continued to observe kuroo, his tongue shooting out of his mouth to wet his dry lips. “i don’t know what it was about them, but we just… clicked. and after a while, i confessed. they didn’t reciprocate” “i didn’t want them out of my life and they were okay with everything too, so we just stayed friends. i thought i was fine with it. i thought it would work and i just hoped my feelings would vanish after being rejected”

“but they didn’t”

“no. they didn’t,” he agreed. suddenly, a smile appeared on his lips, making you frown, confused. “but then i met you”

he glanced at you, his eyes again so full of love and happiness like they had been weeks before whenever he looked at you. for a brief moment, you saw the old kuroo in front of you, the one who always made you laugh, the one who made you feel safe.

the one that made you feel loved.

“and you immediately were so… good. so honest and open and so intelligent. not just book-smart, but actually emotionally intelligent,” he breathed out, smile widening as his eyes grew distant until he was no longer looking at you. “sometimes you reminded me of them. and i just.. fell for you”

up to this moment, you didn’t think your heart could break any further. you were convinced kuroo had already stomped it to pieces, the sharp fragments digging into your surrounding organs, making it hard to breathe.

you didn’t expect him to pick up a sledgehammer and smash it even further, letting the shards tear up your insides completely.

so that was it? there was somebody else all along?

all the sweet words, all the romantic gestures, all the whispers to you were actually dedicated to somebody else and you were nothing but a placeholder?

he always made you feel like you were everything to him. but as it turned out, you were nothing but a bandaid, covering the wound his ‘one that got away’ left?

a bad copy, never as good as the original?

a remake, where every shot and every line of dialogue made you think about just how good the original was and how badly this one tried to capture the spirit, only to fail miserably?

“and now i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to fuck it up. not again” kuroo balled his hand into a fist, as if that would stop it from shaking. you could see his mind racing, plaguing him endlessly.

and even though you loved this man dearly, you couldn’t bring yourself to comfort him, or even pity him. your own hurt got a hold on you, letting you exhale loudly as you leaned back, your back hitting the back of the bench. feeling deflated, you hunched over, hiding your face in your hands.

“you can’t do this, tetsurou. you just can’t” you wheezed. were you about to laugh or cry? you couldn’t tell. you shook your head in disbelief. “how dare you sit here and break my heart, because yes, that’s what you’re doing right now, and act as if you were the victim in this situation?”

you shook your head before you continued. “we all have our scars. i do too” you could feel kuroo flinch next to you. he knew what you were talking about. you always believed in open communication, about all things. so once you felt comfortable enough, you decided to sit him down and open up about your past. it was a long and heavy talk, but right after it, you felt more secure in your relationship than ever. it was then that he could confidently say that he knew you.

but maybe he didn’t after all.

“but i don’t do this and then try to use them to shift blame,” you continued, now more calm than just a few seconds before, but your words were still as sharp as a knife. “or do you really think that i’m fine with being basically just a rebound?”

“you’re not a rebound!” he denied quietly.

“i told you to stop lying to me!” with your voice raised, you could feel your face growing hotter every second, your eyes stinging as tears started to build.

that was all you ever wanted. honesty. even if he thought it would hurt your feelings, even if it would start an argument, even if he believed it was something you couldn’t come back from.

was that really so hard?

“i’m not!” he yelled back angrily, making you scoff and turn your head away from him.

“do you even understand how fucked this is? how hurtful you’re being to me?” you couldn’t get your voice to stay low, every emotion imaginable running rampant in your body. you wanted to get it all out, to yell at him and lash out, show him just how much he had hurt you, how he broke you.

even if you knew you shouldn’t.

you barely managed to stop yourself from pointing an accusatory finger at him. you felt your throat tighten, your voice now becoming nothing more than a hoarse whisper. “i poured my heart out to you. i love you with every cell in my body and all i want to do is be with you. and you’re here telling me about some other person” you shook your head, both in shame and disappointment. maybe you should’ve known better than to fall for somebody again.

but all your life you dreamt of the kind of love you had seen in movies and the kind of love that books told about. love that would be able to withstand anything. love that was so much work but a kind of work that you would do willingly for another person.

the kind of love that made you feel complete, even if a part of you wasn’t missing before.

the kind of love that made your life whole.

you really thought you found that with him.

you sighed, feeling defeated. you didn’t know if you have ever been so wrong. “i understand having a history. i do. but i also recognized the look that you had when you talked about them. how soft your voice sounded” your voice broke. mentally cursing at yourself, you dug your nails deep into your palm, trying to ground yourself. you didn’t want to break down. not now.

not in font of him.

“i know i didn’t imagine that”

“i don’t love them anymore” kuroo immediately said and raised his hands in defense. “i swear”

“maybe,” you contemplated for a second, shutting your eyes in defeat.

maybe he was right. maybe he didn’t. maybe he truly couldn’t see himself with them anymore, maybe he didn’t think about them like that anymore. maybe he really loved you.

or at least had convinced himself that he did.

yet you could tell that he hasn’t moved on either. he still allowed himself to be reminded of it, knowingly or unknowingly still having a bookmark laid down. he couldn’t let go.

“but you haven’t healed either. i don’t think that makes it better”

kuroo’s teeth dug deep into his lip, drawing blood once again. by now his lip was bruised and torn open, the red seeping out through various cuts. “please, you have to believe me. i don’t want anything from them”

“maybe not” you shrugged and sighed, taking a moment to gather yourself. you looked back at him, picking the skin around your fingernails subconsciously. “but you just said that i remind you of them, don’t i?”

kuroo shifted uncomfortably in his seat, looking down, like a child that had been caught stealing candy out of the pantry after bedtime. you hesitated before muttering the one question that has been plaguing your mind for the last minutes. it sounded so silly and stupid and just a few weeks prior you would’ve laughed at yourself for even thinking that.

now you weren’t so sure anymore.

“do you even see me as my own person? or am i just a version of them you can have?”

“i just told you, i don’t want them! i want you! just you!” kuroo exclaimed repeatedly, jumping to his feet, agitated.

oh how you wish he was being honest. how you longed for the times you believed everything he said, no questions asked. “i don’t believe you,” you replied, softly shaking your head.

maybe he really believed what he was saying. maybe he really was honest.

but did it even matter anymore?

you lazily pointed next to you, wordlessly telling kuroo to sit down again. he immediately did and grabbed your hand, which you drew away from him the second you felt his skin touch yours. “you didn’t deserve any of the bad things that happened to you, tetsurou. none of them and none of the effects it had on you and your life either,” you softly said, observing his face carefully. for a moment he shut his eyes, his pain and inner turmoil all too visible on his face.

“but it’s your responsibility to handle them,” you continued, “it’s your responsibility to not inflict the same pain on other people”

he swallowed thickly, averting his gaze. he seemed all to fine hurting you earlier. so why couldn’t he face you now? surely he didn’t think his actions wouldn’t have consequences.

“you didn’t deserve having your heart broken,” you continued, the soft sound of your voice causing the hairs on his arms to stand up. “but i also don’t deserve having mine broken by you”

you suppressed a sigh, instead shutting your eyes for a moment. “you are an adult with plenty of experiences, good and bad. you always have choices on how to act or what to say in almost every situation to influence whatever outcome and this here” you said, gesturing to the both of you, “is your choice and your choice alone”

he still didn’t look at you. if you hadn’t noticed how his hands trembled, you wouldn’t have even known that he was listening. “what did you expect me to do? to beg for you to stay? to fall down on my knees and start crying?”

“no,” he quietly said.

“then what?”

his head shot back to you, his voice growing louder again. “nothing!” he shouted for a moment, before composing himself. “i just… didn’t think you’d be so… okay with this”

involuntarily, you let out a breathless laugh. did he really know you so little? “okay? you actually think i’m fine with this?” you asked, tilting your head back with closed eyes. “get your head out of your ass, tetsurou. i am anything but okay with this. or do you really think i would be fine with my boyfriend telling me that he fell for me because i reminded him of someone he couldn’t have?”

you didn’t give him a chance to regain his composure, instead continuing to shatter whatever was left of him. every word felt like a stab into his chest, like it was laced with venom, poisoning his bloodstream. and it didn’t seem like you planned to stop, instead twisting the knife you just rammed into him. “i hate this. i hate everything about this. but i also know that nothing i can say will change anything”

he hated how calm you seemed. and just like you could read his mind, you continued. “i could scream at you, cry, or even hit you, and believe me, a part of me really wants to” you brought your head back, but didn’t look in his direction, instead casting your eyes down at the floor. “but it wouldn’t help anyone here. and you don’t get to dictate how i decide to act or what i decide to say. because that is my choice. it’s my choice how to deal with this”

silence settled over the two of you.

“it might help you if you did,” kuroo suddenly whispered.

you raised your eyebrows, confused. “what, hit you?”

“yeah”

scoffing, your turned your head to him. “because hitting the person i love would do me so much good, huh,” you stated and couldn’t help yourself but mock him. did he even know you? or did he still just see them in front of him, no matter how much he proclaimed that he didn’t? “yeah. that’s not me and you know it. given what i told you once before, you should know how insulting this actually is”

his eyes widened in horror. “i’m sorry,” he whispered, letting his head hang in shame.

you nodded along. “yeah. aren’t you always?”

helplessly, kuroo tried to get you to look at him. he kept alternating between looking at you and looking away, his hands closing and relaxing on his lap. occasionally, he tried to grab yours, but you immediately pulled away. “tell me, what should we do? is there any way–”

“you came to me knowing how this would end, tetsurou,” you interrupted, “and now it seems like you’re desperately trying to make me push you out the door that you just opened”

he shook his head in defense. “it’s not that”

“that’s what you’re doing,” you stressed through clenched teeth. your cheeks flushed as you spoke and you had to close your eyes to stay calm. “you’re telling me you don’t want to do this anymore and that ‘i deserve better’ or some shit and yet you can’t actually end this”

a part of you wanted to punch him. first he sprang everything on you, told you that he didn’t want to be with you anymore, but as soon as it was time to actually take this step, he tucked in his tail and whined like a scared dog. how dare he inflict all this pain, only to run away the second it got serious? did he truly think he wasn’t to blame for these consequences?

“do you know how hurtful this actually is?” you choked out angrily. “you’re saying all these things about not being enough and not being able to continue this but instead of, you know, actually ending it and walking away, you bring up these things about your past, or my reaction to your actions that have nothing to do with this right now”

he pressed his lips into a thin line, sounding weak and small. “i don’t want to hurt you,” he muttered.

“you’ve been hurting me for a while now, tetsurou. that ship has sailed,” you stated bluntly. there was no way he was truly so careless and frankly, stupid, was he? you shook your head in disbelief. “and even if it didn’t, what do you think would be worse: clearly stating that you want to break up, or dance around it, saying stuff like ‘i don’t think i can do this anymore’, huh?”

you pinched the bridge of your nose, trying to calm yourself down. “i don’t want any excuses. i don’t want you to open up about your past right after you said that we don’t work. from the moment you said that ‘you think you can’t be in this relationship anymore’, it didn’t matter anymore. not to me at least. and i don’t care how harsh that sounds”

“i will not sit here and throw some pity party for you. i will not sit here and help you work through your feelings like some damned therapist, when every word that you say breaks my heart a bit more. that is not my job and not my responsibility. i know you’ve been hurt. and i am truly sorry. but that doesn’t give you a free pass to hurt other people” you finally turned to him, coldly staring at him. he almost whimmered when he caught your eyes, so angry and regretful at the same time. “especially not the ones that love you”

your words hung heavy in the air when kuroo suddenly stood up, shuffling in place before he muttered something awkwardly. you raised your brows, signaling that you haven’t caught a single word.

“i- i need to step away for a minute. i’ll be right back, i’m sorry, i just-” he waved his hand back and forth, his voice weak as he carefully sounded the words out. “i need some fresh air”

you didn’t reply, only nodding. you ignored that you were sitting outside, with fresh air all around you, understanding what he meant.

he wasn’t the only one that needed to clear his mind and step away from you for a short while.

you didn’t look up when kuroo sat down beside you again. he laid his hands in his lap, his fingers fiddling, as he opened and closed his mouth a few times, before speaking with a hushed voice. “hi”

“hey,” you breathed back, swallowing repeatedly to distract yourself from how dry your mouth felt.

“i-” kuroo hesitated again, taking in a shaking breath. like on instinct, he reached for your hand, only to stop himself. he immediately took it back, interlocking his fingers in his lap. “i’m really not a good partner to you, am i?”

you wanted to laugh. at least he reached that conclusion, you thought. he hadn’t treated you with an ounce of respect for a while now, continuously shattering your heart with what seemed like every breath, only to leave you behind, a broken and bleeding mess. and when confronted with his actions, he was the one begging for you, reaching out to you and long for the love you have always unconditionally given him, even if he hadn’t deserved it.

he apparently understood how stupid he sounded, correcting himself with a clenched jaw. “scratch that, actually, i’m not a good person right now, aren’t i?”

you didn’t reply. what were you even supposed to say? yes? no? what was he even expecting?

not that it would matter. you’ve already given him way too much. you’ve given him your entire self already. you had nothing left to give.

“i’m really like those pricks that just run around and hurt people because they have ‘their head stuck up their ass’” he continued, a mocking smile on his lips as he muttered these words, scoffing at himself.

you allowed yourself to glance at him. his entire body was tense, his breathing slow and controlled, like he was trying not to lash out or break down crying in front of you. after a while he felt your eyes on him and his head shot up, meeting your eyes.

“i know you well enough to know that you want to be a better person,” you muttered slowly and carefully, not failing to miss how his eyes lit up just a little – a glimmer of comfort, of hope. “but simply wanting it isn’t enough,” you continued, your voice sounding emotionless and distant. turning your head, you looked for some sort of anchor point, trying to keep yourself grounded. your eyes landed on an old tree, its branches hanging low, the trunk leaning from years of withstanding the wind. “work on it. or you’ll end up hurting other people”

you allowed yourself to hang in your thoughts for a while again.

you didn’t want to admit it out loud, but a part of you had always hated how he made you feel so vulnerable. there was something about kutoo that made you feel so safe and secure, something you hadn’t felt in years before you met him. it took you a while to grow closer to him, to learn to trust him. and once you did, it didn’t take you long to fall for him.

he was always so open and honest, so outspoken and willing to have difficult communications, believing in the two of you working against the problem, not against each other.

until he didn’t anymore.

until he turned his back on everything you had built together and reopened all those scars you told him about.

until he hurt you worse than you ever thought possible.

you tried to blink away the tears, but this time you couldn’t stop them anymore. in hot, salty trails they fell and for the first time today, you sobbed.

full of shame, kuroo stared on his lap, his own eyes filling with tears.“i really fucked up, huh?” he choked out with a weak voice.

taking a few shaking breaths, you tried to calm your voice. “our choices have consequences. grow up and deal with the ones you caused, tetsurou,” you stated bluntly, not wanting – and also not being able to – soften the blow of your words. you clenched your fists at your sides, staring back at the tree meters away from you.

“i don’t want our chapter to end. i still love you. i pictured my future with you. i never wanted to lose you,” you confessed and for a moment, you wanted to smile in melancholy. “but i won’t stay with you. i deserve better than this”

maybe a few weeks ago things would’ve been different. maybe you would’ve been able to talk and work on things. maybe you would be able to get through this, working hand in hand.

but now? too much has been said and done, with no point of return.

too much hurt has been caused.

“no matter how much i wanted you to be my better”

shaking, kuroo stood up and turned his back to you, but after just a few moments, he spun around.

“before i go–” kuroo hesitated for a moment, opening and closing his mouth as if he didn’t know how to continue. you looked at him calmly, noticing how his hands twitched at his sides, like he was trying to reach out to you like he had done so many times prior. “can i–”

“no,” you interrupted, not even letting him finish his question.

it wasn’t difficult to guess what he wanted to ask. that however didn’t mean that it was easy to deny him. to a part of you, it didn’t even matter what just happened. just for a moment, you wanted to feel his arms around your body for one last time. close your eyes and listen to his heartbeat like you had always done and fool yourself into thinking that everything was okay. that kuroo was still your loving boyfriend and that he didn’t break your heart and left you to pick up the pieces. just for one last time, you wanted to feel his comforting warmth and hear how he whispered your name as he promised you that you were fine.

but you shouldn’t allow yourself to abide by his last wish. just one moment in his arms would make your resolve weaken. one more second with him would make you forget all the heartbreak and hurt, all the tears you shed for him. one look at him would make you put your own needs aside and you would do everything in your power to stop his hurt.

because even after all this, you still loved him.

even if he didn’t love you anymore.

even if you didn’t want to love him anymore.

“goodbye,” you choked out, turning your head away from him.

kuroo waited for a second before he took a shaking breath. you could picture him shutting his eyes, his feet shuffling in place, before he finally gathered the courage to whisper out to you for one last time. “goodbye”

#icymi

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