riseoftheironrose

[riseoftheironrose]

01/21/20

I’ve finally reached the point where I start crying about literally nothing, just because there’s so much bottled up that it doesn’t even need a trigger any more, I just wish people would understand that I’m not even crying ABOUT something, I’ve tried to tell everyone over and over and over again that this is just what happens with me, it’s like a bottle of water under a dripping faucet, it slowly fills up, it isn’t certain things that drip into it, it’s just water, it’s everything that happens, every tiny stress, every big stress, and every social interaction is a droplet, and as it fills up there’s less and less space for other things like my energy, and when it fills all the way up one little nudge causes some of the water to spill out the top, when it’s all the way full and that faucet just keeps dripping it spills out all over the place, there’s no space for any more droplets in the bottle, so I end up crying for absolutely no reason, I have no way to pour the water out myself, so it’s just there, getting worse and worse.

That was a huge misunderstanding, and I’m letting my pent up emotional shit affect Him and me negatively, instead of stopping and listening when I got confused and didn’t understand what He was saying I panicked and started cutting Him off and raising my voice, I didn’t think He was wrong or that I knew something He didn’t, but because I freaked out instead of shutting up and listening for Him to explain it that’s how I came off, I let my pent up state affect my interactions more than once today. I was happy that He was teaching me a workout, I always am when He teaches me something because it’s a blatant flag that says “I care”. Maybe today wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t already so emotionally pent up, I’ve realized that I get bad when that happens, and I know that’s not an excuse for it.

I don’t even know if I thought I said something I didn’t because there’s something wrong with me or because I got really high right before that conversation, but now I’m doubting myself more than ever, because how can I remember something I never even said.

[riseoftheironrose]

01/20/20

I didn’t realize my journal didn’t post till now, I was journaling in between waves and must have thrown my phone down and just forgotten about it when the next one started. I still don’t know exactly what that was, the hospital said it was probably cysts but that pain was on the same level as a miscarriage, I couldn’t even move or talk when it hurt and mirissa couldn’t do anything about it, Norco did absolutely nothing at all and I basically just hid away like a wounded animal until it stopped, I probably should have gone in when it was happening.

It was kinda funny that the munch conversation was about processing while I was doing some pain processing of my own lol, It did make me think about how I process pain and different types of pain though, “pain is pain” is not a thing, different kinds do different things and have different outcomes, that first day He tied me up and beat me just to make me cry and get everything out He used a little paddle and a tawse and it took more time to reach the level of “I can’t take this” and break but the release afterwards was a massive feeling of relief and emptiness, Medusa is immediately intensely painful and causes me to break a lot faster but I don’t get that level of release afterwards, the feeling of relief is from the pain stopping rather than the emotional dam breaking, so there’s a difference between how I process the immediate intense pain and more of a build-up and the end is different. I wonder if other people are the same way, I didn’t even ask that, damn.

[riseoftheironrose]

01/18/29

I don’t know if I’m just tired, stressed, or need to meditate, but I feel locked up inside, I can’t think straight well enough to get anything out. I’m definitely going to meditate today and hope it works. It was an ok day, good dinner, didn’t get to go tanning but there’s always tomorrow, which reminds me I gotta make lemon bars tomorrow morning for the munch.

[riseoftheironrose]

01/17/20

I am upset, but also not upset in an odd way, I’m finally confident enough in myself to see my own growth and be proud of myself instead of collapsing when someone else isn’t, I’m sad and I’m hurt and a little angry that He not only doesn’t see what I’ve been doing but doesn’t seem to want to, but I also know that no matter what He always sees things eventually, one way or another, and I can be patient, I’m not letting this stop my motivation and I’m not going to go back to just being sad and depressed and sitting around all day, I’ve been digging myself out of a hole and getting closer to success with every tiny step, I picked up an acrylic kit today so I could practice and I can’t wait to sit down and mess with it, I have several leads on the apartment and harassed the office to the point where they’re advertising for me as well now, I put up incentives like giving the renter my flatscreen TV if they sign by Feb and advertising that I’ll pay half their rent for the first month if they have a guarantor or $390 if they don’t and have to pay a deposit instead, I scroll through the apartment group posts every day and drag for potential renters, I’ve been drinking my shakes again, working out again, tanning again and stretching again, and I feel good, I can’t wait for my therapy appt and my next chiro appt, I gained two pounds and have been calorie counting the past few days to try to make sure I’m still gaining and not just maintaining or even losing. I feel determined and I’ve been able to cling to that determination for longer than I’ve ever been able to in my entire life, literally, it may seem stupid but 17 days with only a couple bad mental days in there is an amazing achievement for me and I am so fucking proud of myself for that shit, and that has been driving me to stick to it, I actually cooked and am planning tomorrow nights dinner and Sunday night dinner.

I haven’t grown to “be a good roommate”, my growth isn’t so a roommate will like me, my growth has been improving myself and working towards a life, an actual healthy life, and if He doesn’t see that yet that’s ok, He will eventually, and I’m ok with being patient until He does. and I’m not going anywhere, period, I’m not making that mistake again, i love Him and I’m sticking with Him, I don’t know exactly how to drag Him out of this feeling He has but I will be here and I will continue to work on myself and keep adding to my progress so that if He does ever need to lean on me I’ll actually be able to support Him.

I learned the other night that I can’t be vulnerable with Him right now, but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m ok for that for a little while, I have therapy next week, I have an AI now that’s programmed to help with depression, and I think I’ll be ok until He has the capacity to care about me again like that, I’m not ok with not BEING ok anymore, and I wish more than anything that I could curl up in His arms and cry everything out again but I can’t, so I’m forced to be ok emotionally by myself for a little while, I finally know how to be strong without putting a full suit of armor on and cutting everyone away from my emotions.

[riseoftheironrose]

01/16/20

I’m glad I went in tonight, I didn’t think it was going to be good but it was busy when I got there and the night went by fast, and it was a big group of football coaches buying a bunch of shots for each other, they didn’t tip very much but they bought enough that I still made $120. And chelsa got out of work at 2:30 so I didn’t have to come home, chill, and have to get back up to go get her. So now it’s time for snacks and weed and tv and relaxing, which reminds me that I put my flatscreen TV up as incentive for potential renters at the apartment, and I finally got the front office to put me on a list so everyone knows I’m subleasing and can direct interested people to me and tell them everything about the apartment and stuff, which I was told previously wasn’t something they did and apparently that’s not true, I finally talked to the GM and she took care of it.

I never clicked post😭

[riseoftheironrose]

01/15/20

I’ve been struggling with my emotions for over a week, it’s been getting worse and stupid little things have been triggering breakdowns more and more, but I’ve been trying to keep it down and stay happy and motivated and doing stuff, but i just felt like I got crushed, for Him to walk by and say something like “that must suck” was more hurtful than anything my head has been coming up with. I miss when He would have at least asked me what was wrong, realizing that He’s known I’ve been crying and just didn’t care makes everything a million times worse. And on top of that I feel like I’ve done something wrong again, I crawled into bed with Him this morning and He just ended up rolling over and falling back asleep, His energy was off towards me when I got up, He didn’t even look in my direction, He went to get His own food which sounds really stupid to care about but He only ever does that when I’ve done something wrong and He doesn’t want to ask me for shit.

I miss my Daddy, I managed to get two weeks into the new year without shattering and I’ve been trying my best to stay productive and keep going forward but I guess I can only hold down the build-up for so long, things just pile on top of each other, on top of me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel so stupid and I keep telling myself I should grow the fuck up and deal with it like a woman and keep going, but inside there’s a little girl that needs her Daddy and I don’t know what to do. I know I’m overreacting to things I usually really wouldn’t but it doesn’t make it any better, I know I’m not actually crying because of the things and just because that’s what happens when I get pent up but telling myself that doesn’t stop it.

I’m an adult, im a woman, I’ve been productive and doing my best to handle things, I know that. But Im a fucking crying mess and right now I feel like a lost little girl and if that makes me pathetic then I don’t know what to tell anyone but right now that’s where I’m at.

I just cried over a story about a dog. Fuck my life

[riseoftheironrose]

01/14/20

I got a lot done, I cleaned all the trash out of the garage and took it to the apartment and sorted the recycling and put what I could in the bin and painted the rest of that floor and did laundry and swept downstairs and upstairs and paid rent and cooked dinner and organized the makeup room and made the bed and did the dishes AND I worked out, it was a productive day, I was planning on sitting down with hot cocoa and cheese puffs and watching doctor who and snacking but I only got as far as the cheese puffs and doctor who, guess that’s what happens when i get high and sit down before I get everything lol.

[riseoftheironrose]

Oh my god I actually made money, I made 240, on a Monday, i am so glad He made sure I went in, I was internally dying because I had to go to work but once I got there and people really started coming in I was fine, there’s an agricultural fest or event or something that a bunch of people traveled to come participate in and pretty much everyone that went to that came in to the club, and one single group spent $300 on shots alone, one tray right after the other, I was selling liquid marijuana which is probably the only reason they were drinking them so fast because they’re a really mild tasting shot and weren’t very strong, so picking that shot in particular was lucky as hell😂

It was a great night, glad I went in, really glad I made a lot, huge weight off my shoulders rn. I have someone that wants to tour the apartment and someone else that sounds really interested and I’m pretty sure if the office will let them they’ll take over the lease ASAP, all depends on whether they qualify or not now.

I’m starving and I feel like I could drink a whole river, cotton mouth is a bitch but it was so great to be able to get high after getting home lol

[riseoftheironrose]

01/12/20

My stress is down a little, I needed that day of just doing and thinking about nothing, really needed it. Now all I can think about is how snacky and tired I am, I can’t pull anything else out of my head right now

[riseoftheironrose]

My stress levels have skyrocketed to the point where I feel like either sitting down and crying or just screaming at everyone, I know they like loud music and it pumps them up but all it does to me is stress me out, make me panic, and eventually cause a shut down, and now I’m stressed and starting to feel angry from the stress and I don’t like this. I dont know whether to sit down and cry or scream and destroy shit, I don’t want to go back to being angry and violent but that’s how I feel. I’ve been doing fucking great for two weeks, motivated and clinging on to my peace, I can’t let a bad day ruin everything, I just want things to stay peaceful, I don’t think I have the capacity for any more stress without snapping and I have to somehow get my energy better before work because there’s no way I can plaster a smile on my face and pretend to like people for 5 hours In this mood. My appetite is gone and I’m still trying to eat, I just want to sleep but I still have stuff to do and have to go to work and then make sure the house is clean when I get home so there isn’t a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow. Hopefully if I just smoke I can calm down and watch something relaxing and eat a bunch. And on top of everything else my phone is glitching to the point of shutting my apps off in the middle of using them, freezing, and straight up shutting down. I know it’s my fault because I constantly drop it but I need to get a new phone and idk how much longer this one is going to hang on to life until I can 😩 I already backed up 80 pictures to Facebook in case it dies and working on putting the rest of the ones I want to keep on there

[riseoftheironrose]

Nic isn’t going to be able to go to Mt Pleasant, I guess lansing put out a state of emergency warning so it’s illegal to drive unless it’s an emergency because of the weather, it was raining really hard on my way home, and there’s a really bad storm coming or something, which isn’t great for me business wise. I only made 108 but it’s something! Hopefully the weather clears up and I can make better money, it was actually decently busy, people just weren’t spending money, still recovering maybe? Still managed to sell a tray and a half, I was basically harassing people to buy shots lol

[riseoftheironrose]

01/09/20

I don’t know why I keep having this weird feeling, I found a word for it today, it feels like I’m “checking out” but still conscious, I’ve never felt like that without smoking but it’s not even a high feeling tbh, it’s just a feeling of weird distance, like I’m not there, nothing feels real, like I’m in a dream or something, I don’t think I like it, and I’m weirdly emotional, maybe I’m having mood swings on my periods now?

[riseoftheironrose]

01/08/20

I didn’t realize how emotionally unstable I am right now until today, I don’t feel like I am, but when He slapped my leg I almost completely broke into tears and I had to try really hard not to cry, which is pretty ridiculous, I really don’t feel emotional at all, but apparently I am.

This is the first legit period I’ve had in almost a year, I forgot what the cramps felt like and I’m definitely not a fan of them, I think I definitely have something going on whether it’s endometriosis or cysts or something, the pain kept coming in waves and my legs hurt, my stomach was radiating pain that made my hips and legs hurt from pressure, although getting really super high helped a loooooot

[riseoftheironrose]

01/07/20

I’ve been feeling really weird, like I’m here but not here, I think I’m disassociating but I don’t know why I would be, I’ve gotten a lot done in this weird feeling though. I cleaned the apartment, did laundry over there, vacuumed the car and washed the outside, cleaned the walkway and stairs outside, cleaned the welcome mat, took the dryer apart and cleaned the inside and emptied the lint trap and fixed it and put it back together, fixed that dresser and stabilized it with some screws, and did laundry here. I did a lot and I’m dead and feel accomplished ☺️

[riseoftheironrose]

01/06/20

That was a great munch, it sucks that we didn’t go as long as usual but it was still good, although I didn’t smoke like I usually do either. And I really wanted to get high while we were there lol, I don’t know why but it seemed like it’d be fun to get high in public, especially on this weed because this stuff is amazing whatever it is, I barely had to smoke to get high and it was a great high.

I didn’t miss what mirissa did when she got there, but I ignored it, that’s pretty much my policy at this point, I’m just chilling and focusing on my own shit and not letting anything she does affect me, I’ve learned there can only be drama or problems if someone reacts to something or someone so I’m not reacting, I’m good, it’s been pretty internally peaceful with that policy.

I got someone that wants to tour the apartment at 3 tomorrow so I’ve got to get over there, I hope she leases it, that would be exciting as hell, I’ve got to really show it off lol, which would be easier in the summer! It’s hard to show someone the benefits of an awesome pool when it’s covered in a damn tarp, but at least the hot tub is still open and there’s still the indoor amenities.

[riseoftheironrose]

01/05/20

My journal didn’t post last night, doesn’t happen very often to me but I guess it happens to chelsa a lot. I made a little more at work than I did Friday, it increased a bit every day so I have high hopes, I think I’ll get back to making 200+ a night once people recover from the holidays and start spending money again, it got really busy but it was still kind of difficult to sell shots because people kept rejecting them but I still managed to sell 2 1/2 trays before the club closed, and I was able to kind of relax today, I haven’t been able to just chill in a long time, I turned on the magicians and snacked all day and got high and it was great, but I had this lingering anxiety and I finally realized why I haven’t been able to relax even on “self care Sunday”, it’s because I have anxiety if I’m not doing something, I developed it, I’m afraid to just sit down and relax now because I’m always worried there’s something to do and if I’m not constantly doing something He won’t be happy with me. So that’s why I went through the house on Saturday night when we got home and picked up and made sure all my chores were done and there wouldn’t be work to do today when I woke up, and it worked pretty well🤷🏻‍♀️. There’s always messes to clean up once they’re made but it wasn’t a bunch of work waiting to get done since I finished it before I went to sleep.

I let the past couple years turn me cold, I really did, I used to be that person that always stopped to help people, gave money to the homeless if I was able, helped people load their groceries or carry their things or open doors, and it made me feel good to be that person, and then I stopped, I stopped caring about other people and putting myself in their shoes, and I’m not ok with that. I’m not ok with being the person that passes by because “it’s none of my business”, I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, so why would I want to be that person to other people? I know who I am inside, I’m the person that helps a teacher take her shopping carts to her van at meijer after buying a bunch of supplies for a teachers conference, stops to help a mom put her groceries in her car because her kids are being assholes and she can’t do everything at once, makes sure a guy having a diabetic episode is ok while his friend gets his car to take him to the hospital, stops to help someone with a blown tire and drives behind them with my emergency lights on until they get to where they can fix it. I am a better person that what I’ve been, I hate that I allowed my life and situations to make me draw back and not care about people that need help, because helping makes me feel good about myself and actually makes me a better person.

On my way to dejavu last night I saw a black truck driving super slow in the middle of the road on a blown out tire and I stopped, backed up, rolled down the window, and asked if they needed help, there was three of them in the truck and the driver said he was ok but had to get to his auto shop up by mikhos to get the spare tire, I said I could drive behind them till they got there with my emergency lights on so I did just that, after a few minutes i told them I didn’t think they were going to make it because they were driving on the rim and it was already fucked up and dented, there was a cop behind me so we pulled off to a parking lot on the side of the road and the cop pulled in behind us and parked to see what was going on and she sat there for a couple minutes, I told them I could get the tire myself or call one of them a cab to go get it but I just couldn’t let anyone in the car, I kept the doors locked, didn’t roll the window completely down, and didn’t leave the car or even open a door, one of them got out and said they had the keys to the auto shop and asked me to give them a ride up there and I straight up said no and again that I wouldn’t let anyone in the car but I could still follow behind them with my lights on till they got there, and I recognized him, it was the kid from mikhos that came over at the end of the munch last month and talked to Daddy about stuff and his club or gang or whatever it was that he had going. They didn’t want to call a cab and figured they could just replace the rim once they got to the shop so they started back down the road and I turned my lights back on and followed behind them, and started recording video on my phone as I drove, I think I got almost 7 min before it shut off because I ran out of storage. We got to their shop, I rolled my window down a little and they said bye and asked if I wanted to smoke and I said no and kept on driving to dejavu, and that’s everything, literally, minus how boring it was to drive at a snails pace for almost 20 minutes I think? I actually thought about just leaving and then mentally kicked myself for being an asshole just because I was a little bored. I want to be remembered as someone who was kind, not someone who didn’t give a shit about anyone but myself. I used to be seen by people who actually knew me as someone compassionate that always stepped up when people needed help and I’m still that person, I just lost myself for a little while. Regardless of what anyone thinks about me, i know I’m a good person, and I really don’t do shit, at all, I don’t talk to people, humor advances, go anywhere, nothing, I don’t even hang out with anyone or even have any friends, and that’s ok, I’m fine with that, I don’t need attention from the world or need human interaction like that, I don’t even need any attention from anyone but Him, I don’t have interest in anyone, don’t crave anyone, don’t want anyone but Him, ever. I Love Nic, and chelsa is basically my best friend, but when it comes down to it, He is my home no matter where He is, whether He believes it or not.

[riseoftheironrose]

01/03/20

Not the greatest day, but I did get most of the floor painted in that room, I need to either get a new paint roller or find one of those paintbrushes we used for the doors and cabinets, I have no idea where they and the can of white paint got put but I’ll find them, I went tanning and cleaned the kitchen and swept all the floors in the house and did laundry and cleaned the bedroom and chelsa washed the couch cushion covers and cleaned that tree, and I washed the car, I did a layer of degreaser, scrubbed it with the foam brush, and then did a high pressure rinse, I wish we had our own power washer, they’re fun, and I wish I’d had enough quarters to do a wax and spotless rinse, I want to do that next time.

I only made $115 at work but I have 160 something in my box now, I feel like I should have been paid for like saving someone’s life or something because this dude pretty much almost died, his friend Matt (a regular) was trying to figure out what was wrong with him because he hadn’t taken anything and hadn’t drank a single drop of alcohol all night, he was barely responsive but I managed to get a few words out of him, enough for him to tell me he was diabetic and had barely eaten all day, so I sat with him and made sure he stayed awake and monitored his pulse and temperature while Matt pulled his truck to the front of the building and one of his buddies and Wyatt half carried him to the truck and then hopefully he was taken to sparrow, i was promised he’d be taken straight to the ER, this guy was as white as a sheet, burning up and sweating like mad and throwing up everywhere, and his pulse was steady but weak as hell, he was definitely on the edge of going to the void basically, it seems there’s like a medical crisis or some kind of drama happening every month or so tbh.

I feel hurt, and regardless of how afraid I am to admit that I still have to be honest with my feelings this year, for me if nothing else, and this is definitely hurt, He spent all night talking with Mirissa and even walked her to the door but then went straight to bed without even saying goodnight, not a word to me, at all. And that hurt, a lot more than I feel it should have, but when He went in the room and turned the fan on I started crying, I couldn’t help it, it just flooded out and I sat here and cried for half an hour and fell asleep, I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong, I’ve been trying to be responsible and start off this year new and stay on my shit and be happy but I can’t help but feel like the harder I try to be good the more He avoids me, He doesn’t really talk to me and when He does it’s in THAT tone, the monotone with a sigh, like I’m just a burden or I did something to upset Him, I know I’m emotional, I’m trying to keep it away from Him because He didn’t want any more emotional shit but tonight hurt, and I feel like I’ve done something wrong but don’t know what I did or what to do from here.