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That familiar but unawanted feeling of being left behind creeps in again...
I should be happy since this day has been great. A date run with mahal. Strolled around looking for shoes; ate an authentic japanese food; devoured two pints of ice cream; but as the night goes deep, the sadder it felt.
Maybe this was the same reason why I wasn't able to leave the team behind 2 years ago. I don't want my colleagues to feel that they were left behind. Specifically, my mahal. I don't want him to feel that I'm leaving him behind.
But look who's "the last one (barely) standing" now.
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https://evelionheart.medium.com/on-the-intimacy-of-the-mundane-863f9efb3c39
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First thought: Nakakapagod.
Second thought: "For the joy of the Lord is my strength."
Kaya ang magandang tanong ay... "para kanino ang binibigay mo?" 💕
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And just when I thought I was over you...
I'm gonna steal a few words here: Just when I thought I was alone, God gave me a very tight embrace again.
When Mama had undergone a major surgery back in 2014, I was alone waiting outside ER. My hands usually sweat when I'm nervous but in this case, they're not. My feet feel cold, though. I know that I'm anxious at that time since I don't know how long I'm going to wait. Plus the fact that I'm alone.
Papa was working in Antique (we're in Laguna), and my siblings are at home since Pau (youngest) was not allowed to stay in the hospital overnight. I was trying to update everyone that I know cares for us via SMS: Papa, Pastor, some relatives and Mama's friends.
I remember that I was feeling sleepy and tried to sneak out of the waiting area and sleep in Mama's bed (ward) when someone woke me up. It was her friend who lost a daughter to a brain tumor months ago. She was the least person whom I thought would be there. (Actually, she's not even in the list.) Yet, she came voluntarily. She woke me up, gave me some food, and waited with me outside ER until Mama came out of recovery room. Waiting was no joke. She's there for probably 6 hrs.
That was my lowest of lows. I felt alone and weak. My familiar strength weren't there: my mother is inside the operating room; my father is away; and, my siblings are at home. With just one flick of a finger, I'd crumble into tiny pieces.
That's when I felt God's very tight embrace. I'm not expecting someone to visit us at the hospital at that very moment. And definitely not from a person who still has traumas going to a hospital 'coz she recently lost a precious daughter. But I think God used her to make me feel that I'm not alone.
Today. I felt it again. I can't focus on my work. I'm sleepy. Got a nap in front of my screen, good for 20 to 30 mins. Tried to work again. Then my friends called...out of nowhere. It's like God is telling me: My dear child, trust me, you are not alone.
Now, it makes me confident ('cause I'm not!) with my decision to end a relationship that is not founded on His love. I know it would hurt like hell. But that's my fault. I succumbed to the pressure of having a parter, and lust, after having one.
I know that one day I have to let go. But I've been trying to justify this "love" that I felt for the last 3 to 4 years. When he came to me, my ground was shaken. I was not able to stand tall with my faith. I was practically selling my self short for a small fraction of appreciation from him.
Life is good. Everything will come to pass. For now, I'll let go and let God hug me tight. 🤎
[42 months / 1,278thday]
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I lot of things have changed. But as the sun sets, I go back to that corner. A child reading a book. Lost in her own world. Wandering and wondering around. Alone.
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Wala halos pinagbago. Mula Amkor days, 8 years ago, hanggang ngayon, sinusundan tayo ng work sa cr. Habang jumejebs. 😂
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"When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
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Own your actions.
We can't always blame the people around us for the decisions we made. We're not in gradeschool anymore.
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