rinsethyneighbour

[rinsethyneighbour]

The Garden Party

The big day had arrived and the Close was a hive of activity as everyone prepared to descend en mass on Chairman Miles's barn conversion. It is at this point that I have to disclose that the choice of this particular Sunday for Mile's soiree was no coincidence. We were supposed to be taking the mother in law out for the day - looking round a garden centre whilst being reminded at regular intervals how much more successful my brother in law was than me. I banked on the fact that my Mrs wouldn't be able to resist nosing around someone else's property and true to form the mother in law had been binned off.

As we got in the car ready for the off I was heartened to see that my fellow residents had ignored Chairman Mile's dress code, with the majority of men wearing jeans and number xx, true to form, stayed true to her leggings and Ugg boots and was armed with a 4 pack of blue WKD. Then we were away, a convoy of 4x4s and functional hatch backs, ready for an afternoon (xx hours to be exact) of social niceties. The prospect of meeting my arch nemisis for the first time had me feeling nervous - like Danger Mouse coming face to face with Baron Greenback, or xxxxxxxx. We arrived at a peaceful cul de sac and the curtain twitching was in overdrive as half a dozen or so cars commandered curbs and grass verges. About twenty strong we marched up a pebbled driveway, up to Miles's impressive property and number x, xxxxx, wasted no time in knocking on the door. A haughty looking man who I guessed was in his 50s, dressed in lemon sweater and burgundy cords - standard middle class casual attire. He cast a suspicious, irritated look at the crowd before him - 'What do you want? Number x, xxxx, stepped forward. 'We are here for the garden party'. 'There's no party here. You've got the wrong house.' Number x, xxxx pulled a letter from his pocket. 'This is xxxxx, isn't it? And I'm assuming you are Miles Bowden, Chairman of the Woodfield Close Residents Committee?' Chairman Miles took the letter from number xxxx, and read it. He passed the letter back. 'I'm afraid that you have been duped. This letter didn't come from me'. The natives were quick to become restless. 'Well who did it come from then?' my Mrs piped up. I suspect that it is from the same individual who has been sending letters to residents, masquerading as a committee member.' My Mrs was on a roll. 'Whilst we are here. Would you kindly explain why you think it is appropriate

[rinsethyneighbour]

The Door Slammer

Just when I thought my neighbours had nothing new to offer, in terms of irritability and annoyance, I was awoken at 5am for the fifth day in succession by the tosser from number xx. 

Dear Sir 

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents regarding your insistence on slamming your car door at an unearthly hour of the morning.

As one sleep deprived resident remarked, 'If I needed an early morning call I would have bought a bloody cockerel', whilst another complained that the seismic shift in the earth's crust caused by the 'slamming' had caused irreparable damage to the foundations of their property. 

Following these reports, a committee member, armed with a seismograph, positioned himself within 100 yards of your vehicle at 5am and recorded the effects of your door slamming. The results were alarming with the resulting tremor measuring 6 on the Richter scale, which is comparable with a mild earthquake. 

As outlined in section 9, sub section 3 of the Residents Association code of conduct, which as a resident of Woodview Close you are duty bound to adhere to, it is strictly forbidden for any resident to make or assist in making any noise tending to unreasonably disturb the peace and quiet of fellow residents.

The committee is currently trialling a Restoratitive Justice programme, whereby the victims of the crime choose the punishment that the perpetrator should receive. In this case the victims are those residents who live within a 100 metre radius of your parked car, who have agreed that you should spend a total of six hours in the company of number 27's six year old son whilst he is practising his violin; 4 hours in the company of number ?? whilst he is whistling the theme tune to Last of the Summer Wine on a perpetual loop; and 5 hours with number 42 as she screams at her kids for 'doing her head in'. Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a formal warning of your conduct and be advised that any repetition of this anti social behaviour will be subject to further disciplinary action.

Yours sincerely

The Woodfield Close Residents Association Committee

[rinsethyneighbour]

The Shameful Shoppers

New neighbours moved into number xx a few weeks ago and ever since I have been searching, in vain, for some inspirational subject matter for a welcome letter.

Then, just as I was about to give up and make some shit up, I saw them bring their shopping in from their car. 

Dear Sir/Madam 

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents regarding your choice of supermarket. 

It has been brought to the committee's attention that your family does the weekly shop at a local discount supermarket and shamelessly advertise the fact by brazenly parading the said grocer's shopping bags in public view.

As one incensed resident remarked, 'What's next? A soiled mattress in the front garden? Used syringes strewn in the gutter?'.Whilst another resident highlighted the potential impact on house prices, citing the 10% decline in the market value on neighbouring Sycamore Drive, following the revaluation that one resident holidayed in Benidorm. 

As outlined in section 4 of the Residents Association code of conduct, which as a resident of Woodfield Close you are duty bound to adhere to, any activities that threaten to sully the good name of Woodfield Close are strictly prohibited; with sub section 8 listing all the retail outlets that have been black listed for residents - of which your Supermarket of choice is one. 

The committee is currently trialling a Restorative Justice programme, whereby the victims of the crime choose the punishment that the perpetrator should receive. In this instance the victims are all residents and following a public vote have decided that your family should spend the day bag packing at the local Waitrose. 

Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a formal warning of your conduct and be advised that any repetition of this anti social behaviour will be subject to further disciplinary action. 

On a lighter note, the committee would like to take this opportunity to welcome you all to the Woodfield Close family. 

Yours sincerely

The Woodfield Close Residents Association Committee

[rinsethyneighbour]

By royal invitation

I decided that it was time to renew hostilities with the Residents Association and specifically its esteemed leader Heir Miles. With my boss out of the office on a leadership away day, blue sky thinking at some outward bound centre in the New Forest, I took the opportunity to compose, print and post the following to every house on the Close. 

Dear resident

A number of residents have made a number of complaints about the inaccessibility of the Residents Association committee, citing the fact that none of us currently reside on The Close. 

In the spirit of goodwill I would like to cordially invite all residents to attend a garden party on the expansive grounds of my grade 2 listed barn conversion on the afternoon of Sunday 12th September, where you will have the opportunity to raise any concerns with committee members and ask any questions that you may have. 

In attendance will be myself; Committee Treasurer, Bob Maxwell and Social Secretary, xxxx; whilst Committee Child Protection Officer, Peter File will be on hand to entertain the children, should you wish to bring your offspring along. 

Should you wish to ask the committee a question you are required to submit it in writing in advance of the party, to allow sufficient time for the committee to agree on an appropriate response. 

A smart casual dress code will be enforced and whilst gentlemen are required to wear a collared shirt, slacks and leather shoes; ladies are required to wear a dress or skirt that is no more than 2 inches above the knee. Leggings & Jeggings are forbidden and security have been instructed to tazer anyone who turns up wearing Ugg boots.

Refreshments will be provided but you are permitted to bring your own, although alco pops, flavoured cider and cheap supermarket wine are strictly prohibited. 

The party will commence at 1pm and you will be required to vacate the premises by 3.30pm sharp. Myself and my fellow committee members look forward to meeting you all. 

Yours sincerely

Miles Bowen

Chairman, The Woodfield Close Residents Association Committee

28 Barn Lane, Hoxbury, HX7 PL4

[rinsethyneighbour]

The Story so far

I'm losing track of which of my neighbours I have sent letters to, so whilst on a 'Dignity & Respect in the Workplace' workshop, I thought it an opportune time to make a note of all of those that I have treated with a lack of dignity and respect. Bullet points

[rinsethyneighbour]

The Scrumper

I'd had something of an epiphany after writing my last letter - why go to all that effort of searching for a neighbour's irritating idiosynchrosies when I could simply accuse them of doing something they hadn't done. 

With the non descript bloke from number x I took this one stage further - I decided to accuse him of a crime that, to my knowledge, had never even been committed. 

Dear Sir 

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents with regard to a heinous crime that has left neighbours outraged and the victim feeling violated. 

It is alleged that, during the past month, you have stripped the apple tree that resides in the front garden of number xx of its fruit, with scant regard for the wildlife that relies on it for sustenance and the homeowner for apple crumble and homemade cider. 

One incensed resident demanded a replication of the Saudi penal system and for us to 'chop the bastard's hands off', whilst another has resorted to bringing his garden gnomes in at night, in fear of them being abducted and sold on to a gnome trafficking ring. 

The victim himself has been left devastated and can't bring himself to leave the house. In a brief statement he tearfully revealed 'I'm devastated and can't bring myself to leave the house'. 

As outlined in section 6, sub section 2 of the Residents Association code of conduct, which as a resident of Woodfield Close you are duty bound to adhere to, the pilfering of fellow residents' property is strictly prohibited. 

The committee is currently trialling a Restorative Justice programme, whereby the victim of the crime chooses the punishment that the perpetrator should receive. In this case, the victim has decided that you should provide him with a years supply of apple crumble and cider. 

Please note that unlike South Bridlington FM, who outrageously decided that the year's supply of Maltezers awarded to the winner of the weekly horticultural quiz should receive a measly xxxg box a week, what constitutes a 'years supply' should be determined by the victim - not a faceless bureaucrat. 

In this instance, the victim has defined a years supply as three home made apple crumbles a week and six cans of Strongbow a day, all of which should be hand delivered to the victim's address on a weekly basis. The first delivery should be made this forthcoming Monday. 

Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a formal warning of your conduct and be advised that any repetition of this anti social behaviour will be subject to further disciplinary action.

Yours sincerely 

The Woodfield Close Residents Association Committee

[rinsethyneighbour]

The Fall Guys

Woke up this morning feeling post apocolyptic. Mouth as dry as the Sahara and head pounding to the familiar rhythm of a pnumatic drill. I was hungover and after a few minutes of acclimatisation (I was on the sofa) that familiar death warmed up sensation was superseded by a sudden surge of panic as I recalled the events of the night before. 

As memory served, I had returned to the Close in the early hours after a skinful with a couple of ex work mates, and in my alcohol induced wisdom thought that it would be a splendid idea to up root all of the For Sale and To Let signs and re plant them in alternative front gardens. 

I peeked out of the curtains and saw the Close a hive of activity as disgruntled residents tried to work out which sign belonged to which house. If I hadn't been so hungover I would have marvelled at the chaos that I had created, but as my Mrs entered the room I had to pretend that I was equally as outraged as my neigbours at such a childish prank as well as pretending not to be hungover, which would have signposted the fact that I had had a skinfull. 

My Mrs knew fine well that I was suffering and being the sympathetic soul that she is, suggested (insisted) that we spend the morning in IKEA followed by an afternoon at her sisters and her three kids, all of whom are under the age of five.   

Before heading off for a morning of retail torture, I made a point of joining my neighbours in their condemnation of the 'bloody kids' responsible; nodded in agreement when number x (????) blamed the parents, and couldn't have agreed more when number x (????) demanded the return of National Service. 

Erring on the side of caution, I decided to 'officially' apportion the blame on a couple of teenagers from number xxx. Not only did they fit the profile of the 'Little shits' that everyone had assumed were responsible, but one of them was of a similar height and build to me - just in case I had been spotted. 

Dear Sir/Madam

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents with regard to an episode of mindless anti social behaviour involving your teenage sons. 

On the morning of Saturday 28 August, residents awoke to scenes that can only be described as carnage, as For Sale and To Let signs had been brutally uprooted and placed with thuggish abandon in other residents' front gardens, with a number of witnesses placing both of your teenage sons at the scene. 

The Committee can't emphasise enough the distress that this 'prank' has inflicted on residents and tensions are understandably running high. One enraged resident called for a return of the birch; another claimed that it 'wouldn't have happened in my day', before reminiscing about leaving his back door open and the milk money on the mantelpiece; whilst Peter File, the Residents Association Child Protection Officer, called for the perpetrators to have their trousers taken down and be given 'a damn good hiding' - a punishment he has volunteered to administer himself. 

Regretfully, Section 45, sub section 6 of the Residents Association code of conduct that stated that in instances of extreme anti social behaviour, residents are permitted to publicly stone or flog those responsible, was removed in 1994, following a regrettable incident where a resident who had been found guilty of urinating in his neighbour's rose bush had been rendered unconscious after a subsequent stoning had got out of hand. 

The Committee would therefore refer you to the subsequent addendum that states that in such instances, the victims of the anti social behaviour should be entitled to restorative justice, whereby they choose how the offenders should be punished. Following a public vote by the residents affected, it has been decided that each of your sons must complete 1000 handwritten lines, each of which stating: 'I am a very naughty boy and I have let myself down, my family down, but most importantly I have let the residents of Woodfield Close down and for that I sincerely apologise’.

Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a formal warning of your offspring’s conduct and be aware that any repetition of this anti social behaviour will be subject to further disciplinary action.

Yours sincerely

The Woodfield Close Residents Association Committee

[rinsethyneighbour]

Ee Bah Gum

I was walking up the Close this morning and was alerted by a familiar hiss, albeit a muffled one. I looked up to see Toffee perched imperiously on his usual spot on the wall with a mask on his face, designed to look like a Hannibal Lector muzzle. 

I must admit, number 57 (Cat Lady) had me confused. Had she subserviently responded to the letter she had received? Was this an act of defiance? On reflection, I didn't think that it was either and reckoned that she was the first to cotton on to the fact that this was one big wind up and with Toffee's Hannibal mask was playing along. Fair play to her.

Today's victim was selected because, like many who had come before him, he was an irritating twat - introducing the thirty something bloke from number xx who refuses to leave the house without wearing a flat cap. 

Dear Sir 

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents with regard to your insistence on wearing a flat cap. As one resident remarked, 'This is a suburban cul de sac, not the bloody Yorkshire Dales', whilst another complained that on seeing you walk up the road he thought the rag and bone man was about and put out an old washing machine and a rusty wheel barrow - both of which went uncollected. 

The Committee has conducted its own investigation which has revealed that you are not a pensioner, a gamekeeper, a chimney sweep, a street urchin, a pigeon fancier or a Whippet owner. Whilst we have also determined that you are neither time travelling to the 1920s or teleporting to Emmerdale Farm . 

You are directed to the dress code outlined in section 45, sub section 8 of the Woodview Close Resident Association code of conduct, which as a resident of the Close you are duty bound to adhere to, which clearly states that flat caps can only be worn by gentlemen over the age of sixty five years. 

Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a formal warning of your conduct and be aware that any repetition of your anti social behaviour will be subject to disciplinary action. 

 Yours sincerely 

The Woodfield Close Residents Association Committee

[rinsethyneighbour]

Cat Lady (not Cat Woman)

Judging by his behaviour this morning, my letter might have tipped number 44 (Scooter Man) over the edge.

I looked out of the window to see him stood on the Close, in his ripped, skinny jeans, with the devoid look of a broken man. He had assembled a small ramp in the middle of the road, fashioned with a milk crate and a piece of plaster board and proceeded to ride over it on his scooter, over and over again, shouting 'Cowabunga' each time he landed - which, as I am of a similar age, assumed was in homage to the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles (although I can't remember Leonardo wearing ripped skinny jeans or riding a kid's scooter).

As he was blocking the road, it wasn't long before a queue of cars formed and number 22 (Tank woman), was one of many who tried, in vain, to move him along. He just continued to go back and forth over his ramp, totally oblivious to everything going on around him. 

Eventually, his wife turned up with his son in tow (who I assumed the scooter used to belong to) and managed to coax him away. 

Back to business and my next victim was the Cat Lady from number 58. That’s Cat Lady, as opposed to Cat Woman - an important distinction to make because whilst Cat Woman conjures up images of Michelle Phiefer and PVC, Cat Lady is more closely aligned with xxxxx and tartan shopping trolleys, which is number 58 to a tee.

She lived with at least half a dozen cats but my beef was with one in particular - a huge ginger Tom who hissed at me every time I walked past the wall he sat on.

Dear Madam

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents with regard to the anti-social behaviour of your cat, Toffee.

His list of misdemeanours is long and indiscriminate and includes chasing neighbourhood children on their way to school, terrorising local dogs and defecating on doorsteps.

One resident claims to have been held hostage in his own home for three days after Toffee wandered in uninvited and cornered him in his lounge, whilst another claims that his Staffordshire Bull Terrier is currently under 24 hour suicide watch after being subjected to a year long terror campaign.

Such is his reputation that residents have been forced to arm themselves with water pistols and one resident claims to have suffered temporary blindness, after Toffee sprayed him in the face when he stooped down to tie his shoe laces.

As outlined in section 45, sub section 3 of the Residents Association code of conduct, which as a resident of Woodview Close you are duty bound to adhere to, all pets must be kept under proper control so that they do not cause a nuisance, danger or annoyance to fellow residents.

Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a formal warning of your cat’s conduct and be aware that any repetition of this anti social behaviour will be subject to disciplinary action.

Yours sincerely

The Woodview Close Residents Association Committee

[rinsethyneighbour]

Judith Chalmers

Went to get some milk out of the fridge this morning and was confronted by a tacky fridge magnet, portraying an idyllic beach scene from the Maldives. Suffice to say, we have never been to the Maldives and are never likely to.

I confronted the Mrs (correction, asked the Mrs) about it and apparently it was a gift from Deborah from number 52, who had indeed been to the Maldives and was desperate for every other fucker to know about it - hence the fridge magnet, that apparently most of the street had received.

I thought this was a liberty and made the mistake of saying as much to the Mrs. 

‘What’s the deal with people bringing back fridge magnets when they go on holiday?’ I ranted. ‘They’re effectively leaving a calling card that reads, I’ve been to an exotic, sun soaked oasis and you haven’t, because you are a useless cunt. Next time you see her ask her for a few holiday photos that we can put up too, just to stick the boot in.”

Not only did I get an ear bashing for being an ‘ungrateful prick’, but I got an extra helping for dropping the ‘C’ bomb.

In the spirit of neighbourly good will I decided to thank Deborah from number 52 for her kind gesture.

Dear Madam

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents regarding your perpetual bragging about your holiday exploits.

As one resident remarked, “I love hearing about the fact that she’s had more holidays than Judith Chalmers. It’s a timely reminder that the best I can hope for is a weekend in Clapham.” Whilst another resident is reportedly terrified of leaving the house, through fear of being bored senseless by your latest travelogue.

As outlined in section 21 sub section 4 of the Residents Association code of conduct, which as a resident of Woodview Close you are duty bound to adhere to, bragging, boasting or gloating to fellow residents about personal achievements, possessions or experiences is strictly prohibited.

Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a formal warning of your conduct and be aware that any repetition of this anti social behaviour will be subject to disciplinary action.

As a footnote, the committee would like to draw your attention to a recent survey conducted by the University of Whitby that concluded that, of those people who were burgled whilst on holiday, 78% had told the world and his wife (and his dodgy mate with the swag bag and crow bar) before they left. 

Yours sincerely 

 The Woodfield Close Residents Association Committee

[rinsethyneighbour]

Scooter Man

It was a return to business as usual today and the next letter recipient was the bloke from number 44, who appears to be having some kind of mid life crisis - on a budget.

Dear Sir

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents regarding the erratic nature of your recent behaviour.

It has been reported that you have grown a hipster beard, taken to wearing ripped skinny jeans and developed a propensity for fist bumping your fellow residents.

As one resident observed, “this is a suburban cul de sac, not the mean streets of LA." Whilst another remarked that, "the only holes in a middle aged man's jeans should be in the lining of his pockets, as a result of constant bollock fiddling." 

As outlined in section 22, sub section 4 of the Residents Association code of conduct, which as a resident of Woodview Close you are duty bound to adhere to, the only form of greeting permissible within the boundaries of the Close for male residents is a firm handshake. Fist bumping, high fiving and hugging is strictly forbidden. In addition, you are directed to the over 30s dress code outlined in section 45, sub section 7, which lists both ripped and skinny jeans as outlawed items.

Alarmingly, it has also been brought to our attention that you have recently started riding a child's scooter to work. Although the Residents Association code of conduct doesn't outlaw this behaviour, in the same way that it doesn't outlaw skinny dipping in garden ponds, you are urged to take a long hard look at yourself. Or as one resident eloquently put it, "get a grip you sad bastard."

As a footnote, the committee would advise that if it is completely necessary for you to have a mid life crisis that you sleep with your secretary and/or buy a sports car like any other self respecting middle aged man.

Yours sincerely

The Woodview Close Residents Association Committee

[rinsethyneighbour]

I love it when a plan comes together

After much deliberation, fuelled by a six pack of Stella, I managed to devise a plan with two main objectives:

1. Destabilise, discredit and ultimately dismantle the current Residents Association Committee

2. Safeguard the sadistic pleasure I get from sending letters to my neighbours

As luck would have it, my boss was on holiday so I was able to devote my entire working day to executing my plan.

FirstIy I enlisted the help of the office designer (for the price of a KFC bargain bucket) to fashion a new letter template, complete with pretentious crest, emblazoned with the words, 'Power to the People’.

Using this new template I composed the following letter.

Dear Mr Bowen

I represent a number of residents that have become increasingly disgruntled, disengaged and disenfranchised with you and your committee's leadership of the Woodview Close Residents Association. 

This has been exemplified by a recent poison letter campaign that has seen a number of residents subjected to ridicule and demonisation at the hands of you and your associates. 

What we find particularly deplorable is your refusal to accept responsibility for these letters and when challenged have apportioned the blame on an unidentified source. How very convenient. 

In addition, we have been made aware that neither you or the other members of the committee actually reside on the Close, so you are effectively leading an Association that you are not associated with. This is clearly unacceptable. 

Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a vote of no confidence in your ability to preside over the Residents Association and we hereby call on all members of the committee to tender their resignations. 

Yours sincerely 

The Woodview Close Popular Front

At this point let me make something clear - I have about as much appetite for chairing a Residents Association committee than I do for chairing a book club. However, Miles and his cronies don't know that and now that I had his address I intended to make him my new pen pal.

On to objective number two and using the genuine Residents Association letter template, I composed the following:

Dear Resident

By way of an update to my previous correspondence, I am now in a position to confirm the residents that have received genuine letters from the Woodfield Close Residents Association Committee during the last month, as opposed to bogus letters from an unsolicited source.

The committee sent letters reprimanding residents on their behaviour and conduct to the following house numbers:

Numbers 3, 4, 5, 9, 10, 14, 18, 20, ,22, 24, 25, 26, 28, 30, 32 & 34

If you have received correspondence, claiming to be from the committee, during the past 4 weeks and your address is not listed above, it will have been a bogus letter.

In addition, following an extensive investigation I can confirm that we now know the identity of the person responsible for sending the spurious letters. He is a disgruntled ex resident who has been dealt with accordingly and you can be assured that all future correspondence sent from the Woodview Close Residents Association Committee will be completely genuine.

On a final note, a number of residents have expressed concern that none of the committee members (myself included) reside on Woodfield Close and questioned whether we should be allowed to dictate to genuine, full time residents.

I know that I speak for my fellow committee members when I say that as landlords of properties on Woodfield Close, it is in our best interests to make it a desirable place to live as it allows us to extort sky high rents from our tenants.

For this reason we continue to believe that we are best placed to lead the Residents Association for the foreseeable future and beyond.

Yours sincerely

Miles Bowen

Chairman, The Woodfield Close Residents Association Committee

28 Barn Lane, Hoxbury, HX7 PL4

I might have underestimated the time it would take to print 67 letters (1 for each resident on the Close and the one for Chairman Miles) and got daggers from HR Brenda, aka Roz from Monsters Inc (google it) for hogging the office printer. 

I definetly underestimated the time it would take to stuff 67 letters into 67 envelopes, all of which had to be individually addressed. I debated whether to recruit the services of the office junior, but due to the sensitivity of the content, decided against it. 

Finally, I had to explain to the jobs worth post room supervisor why I had 67 letters that needed posting and eventually managed to convince him that it was part of a market research strategy. 

It was worth it though and for the first time in years I left the office with a sense of job satisfaction. I was back in the game.

[rinsethyneighbour]

The Empire Strikes Back

Got home from work tonight and my Mrs handed me a letter. She wasn’t happy.

"Read this”, she said.

Dear Resident

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents regarding a number of letters that have been received, claiming to be from The Woodview Close Residents Association Committee.

As representatives of the interests and well being of residents, we do, on occasion, send correspondence to residents when we receive complaints pertaining to instances of anti social behaviour. However, in recent weeks the committee has been made aware of a number of letters that have been sent from an unknown source, masquerading as official Residents Association Committee correspondence.

Please be assured that an investigation is underway to identify who is responsible for these bogus letters and if you have recently received correspondence from the committee and you wish to verify its authenticity, please contact me in writing for clarification.

Yours sincerely

Giles Bowen

Chairman, The Woodview Close Residents Association Committee

28 Barn Lane, Hoxbury, HX7 PL4

Shit! I'd been rumbled. The game was up. But judging by the all too familiar look on my Mrs’s face, that was the least of my worries. I braced myself for the shit storm.

“Unbelievable”, she said, snatching the letter from my hand. “Look at it.”

I debated whether to plead for leniency, but knew from experience that it would be futile. Then the conversation took an unexpected turn.

"Hoxbury”, she said

“What?”

“Hoxbury”, she repeated, jabbing her finger at the letter. “The Chairman of the Woodview Close Residents Association doesn’t live on Woodview Close. He lives in bloody Hoxley.”

I took the letter from her. I hadn't taken much notice of the address, but she was right, he lived in Hoxley. What a fucking liberty.

“Cheeky bastard”, I said. “Passing judgement on the way we live our lives and he lives 20 miles away.”

“That's not the half of it. I was talking to her next door and there are three of them on this committee, including the Chairman, and none of them live on The Close.”

“You're joking.”

My Mrs was revelling in the fact that she was talking about something that I was genuinely interested in. A rare occurrence, indeed. "They all own houses on the Close, but rent them out.”

It was outrageous. These sanctimonious fucktards were ruling over a kingdom they didn’t even reside in. It would be like relocating Downing Street to Berlin or the White House to Moscow.

I needed to retaliate. I needed a plan.

[rinsethyneighbour]

The Whistler

On a stroll of the neighbourhood this morning, I observed more evidence of my letter campaign having a positive effect on the community. At this rate i’ll be up for one of those Pride of Britain awards.

Number 25 has moved his car onto his drive and more importantly covered his arse crack by investing in a belt. Unfortunately, he is still banging out the power ballads, but it is definetly progress.

Number 14 (aka The Letch) has dialled down the sleaze, due mainly to the fact that his Mrs now has him on a short leash. And Number 30 have mowed their front lawn (I haven’t measured it, but it looks shorter than 3cm to me).

On to today and the worthy recepient is the old fella from number 34, aka ‘The Whistler’.

Dear Sir

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents with regard to your incessant whistling.

One resident compared it to “nails down a blackboard”, whilst another professed to being profoundly irritated by your repeated whistling of the theme tune to Last of the Summer Wine.

Following an investigation, the Committee has discovered that your whistling has resulted in a 28% reduction in wild birds within the boundaries of the Close and a 35% increase in the appearance of stray cats, for whom your high pitched chirping appears to have a Pied Piper of Hamlyn effect. 

As outlined in section 9, sub section 3 of the Residents Association code of conduct, which as a resident of Woodview Close you are duty bound to adhere to, it is strictly forbidden for any resident to make or assist in making any noise tending to unreasonably disturb the peace and quiet of fellow residents.

Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a formal warning of your conduct and be aware that any repitition of this anti social behaviour will be subject to disciplinary action.

In the spirit of good will, the committee is prepared to permit whistling within the confines of your own property, on the condition that all doors, windows and cat flaps are secured and any fireplaces are blocked.

Yours Sincerely

The Woodview Close Residents Association Committee

[rinsethyneighbour]

Blue tooth wanker

The well has well and truly run dry when it comes to finding new victims for my letters - my neighbours are just so boringly suburban.

It was time to make the ultimate sacrifice and I suggested to the Mrs that we have a ‘date night’ to ‘'talk about us’ and whisked her off to the local Harvester.

A bottle of Pinot Grigio later, having spent an hour listening to (pretending to listen to) what improvements I needed to make in order to be a better husband, I managed to steer the conversation to our neighbours.

The old girl didn't let me down and in between mouthfuls of Baileys Mississippi Mud Pie Sundae, she provided me with more ammunition in 10 minutes than i’d been able to source myself in 2 weeks.

The first nugget she provided was the bloke from number 4 who walked around with one of those blue tooth ear pieces in, as if he was working for the Secret Service, when in reality he was talking meaningless bollocks to one of his mates.

Dear Sir 

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents regarding your insistence on wearing a blue tooth ear piece. 

One resident remarked 'He works in the gardening section of B&Q, he's hardly Gordon Gekko is he? The only deals that he closes are for a tray of bedding plants and a garden trellis.’ Whilst another resident called for a return to 'the good old days, when the only person you saw walking the street talking to himself was the local nutter, who the kids used to throw chips at.' 

As outlined in section 1, sub section 1 of the Residents Association code of conduct, which as a resident of Woodview Close you are duty bound to adhere to, it is strictly prohibited for any resident to partake in any activity that unnecessarily annoys, irks or irritates fellow residents.

Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a formal warning of your conduct and be aware that any repitition of this anti social behaviour will be subject to disciplinary action.

As a footnote, the committee would like to draw your attention to research conducted by the University of Whitby, which revealed that individuals who wore blue tooth ear pieces were 76% more likely to have penis enlargement surgery than those individuals who spoke into a phone, like a normal human being.

Yours sincerely

The Woodview Close Resident Association Committee 

[rinsethyneighbour]

The Tinkerman

It all kicked off on the Close this morning. I was out and about looking for some ammunition for my next letter, when I saw number 28 emerge from the lane at the top of the Close, with Bruno in tow.

As he emerged, number 24 (halitosis man) was passing. 

‘'I hope you’ve cleaned up after that dog of yours”, he said.

“What's it got to do with you?”, number 28 replied.

“I live on this Close and am fed up with selfish people like you allowing their dogs to defecate here there and everywhere, without picking it up.”

"Been complaining to the Residents Committee have we? 

"I don’t know what you're talking about”

“You want to sort your breath out before you go throwing accusations around, pal. It’s more of a public nuisance than my dog’.

“You better watch your mouth.”

Suffice to say, I was absolutely loving this. I felt like that Uncle who plies his nephews with pop and sweets, winds them up and then fucks off, leaving the parents to deal with the aftermath.

Number 28 was getting increasingly agitated. He pulled out a bag of dog shit from his pocket and waved it around. “Here you go dragon breath. Satisfied?”

Number 24 looked far from satisfied and made towards number 28 with menace. 

Number 28 flung the bag in number 24′s direction and the contents flew out, pelting him with dog shit.

The two men grappled in that comical, passive aggressive way synonomous with men who haven't had a fight since they were at primary school.

As they were busy playing ‘pat a cake’, Bruno, who was now off the leash, wondered through the garish yellow gate of number 32 and took a crap in a wheelbarrow belonging to a bemused looking gnome, smoking a pipe.

This was box office gold and just when I thought that it couldn't get any better, the bloke from number 32, who had witnessed Bruno’s misdemeanour from his front room window, came charging out of his house armed with a broom and proceeded to chase the dog around his garden, shouting expletives. The whole thing played out like a Benny Hill sketch. Brilliant.

When I eventually made it to work, I set about composing my next letter. I had observed that the bloke from number 25 was always on The Close outside his house ‘tinkering’ with his Subaru Impreza, usually with his arse hanging out.

Dear Sir

We have received a number of complaints from a number of residents with regard to you using The Close as your own personal pit lane.

As outlined in section 48, sub section 3 of the Residents Association code of conduct, which as a resident of Woodview Close you are duty bound to adhere to, all vehicle repairs and maintenance must be performed on the resident’s drive or in their garage.

Complaints have also been made about the noise that your ‘tinkering’ generates, not only by the repairs but also by the accompanying music that is played. As one resident remarked, ‘'not only do we have to put up with the banging about, but we are forced to endure endless hours of bloody power ballads.” 

You are directed to section 94, sub section 3 of the Residents Association code of conduct that states that it is strictly forbidden for any resident to make or assist in making any noise tending to unreasonably disturb the peace and quiet of fellow residents. 

Finally, we have also received a number of complaints regarding yet another by product of your roadside maintenance - namely the over exposure of your arse crack. A number of residents have claimed that the spectacle has induced nausea, whilst another remarked that he didn’t know whether to ‘'park his bike in it or feed it with coins.”

As outlined in section 37, sub section 3 of the Residents Association code of conduct, all displays of public indecency are strictly forbidden in all areas of the Close.

Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a formal warning of your conduct and be aware that any repetition of this anti social behaviour will be subject to discipinary action.

Yours sincerely

The Woodfield Close Residents Association Committee 

[rinsethyneighbour]

The Letch

I'm not the type to get jealous when my Mrs recieves male attention. If anything I'm grateful for the help. However, I do take exception to the lecherous fucker from number 14, who has a reputation for sniffing around the women on the Close.

Appearance wise he must be in his mid 40s with a barnet doused in Grecian 2000 and a pretentious top knot (it appears that the pony tail - the sleaze ball's traditional style of choice - has evolved, or at least moved 6 inches up the head). In terms of attire, he looks like he has stepped out of the pages of a GAP catalogue and wears an orange gillet (apparently you can't call them body warmers anymore). 

I was returning from work yesterday evening and there he was, leant on my front wall, scmoozing my Mrs with his best line of cringeworthy patter.

To her credit, my Mrs' body language was hardly what you'd call receptive but he was undeterred and it wasn't until I came into view that he turned off the slime.

'Here he is' he said when he saw me coming. 'The man of the house'. I marched up to him, ripped the top knot off his head, then 'Ave it', hoofed it high across the street, a la Peter Kay. To reinforce the message I dropped the nut on him, leaving him whimpering on the pavement, curled in a faetal ball. 

As you have probably guessed, this occured in that parallel universe where I act soley on testosterone and brute instinct. In reality I smiled politely and followed my Mrs indoors. 

On the plus side I had identified my next target - or to be precise, I had identified the husband of my next target.

Dear Madam

We have received a number of complaints from a number of female residents with regard to the lecherous behaviour of your husband. 

'Letch', 'creep', ‘slime ball’ and ‘deviant’ are just a few of the adjectives that have been used, whilst one female resident described his advances as 'about as welcome as Gary Glitter at a school swimming gala'.

As outlined in section 28, sub section 3 of the Residents Association code of conduct, which as a resident of Woodview Close your husband is duty bound to adhere to, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife (we make no apologies for the biblical reference). 

Please recognise this correspondence as it is intended, as a formal warning of your husband’s conduct and be aware that a repitition of his behaviour will be subject to disciplinary action.

As a footnote, the committee would like to draw your attention to research conducted by the University of Bognor Regis that revealed that men with top knots are 38% more likely to suffer from premature ejaculation than men who have chosen a less ridiculous hair style. This figure rose to 99% for men over 40. Although, the committee are sure that these results come as no suprise to you.

Yours sincerely

The Woodview Close Residents Association Committee