ringpopbitch

[ringpopbitch]

to think of it now, i wonder at how much i was willing to overlook. there were so many promises and so few moments where those promises came to fruit. it was always going to be a better day tomorrow; i just had to ride out the tornado of today. it was always who-you-could-be and very rarely who you chose to portray.

i miss you, of course. an idea is too big to lose. when you love someone who is so blisteringly perfect on so few occasions, you trick yourself into sleeping through the storm's thrall. you worship those little moments of proof, those tiny evidences that they are good. you walk on eggshells by accident - somewhere along the line, you were taught to.

oh, i love you, i know this. i am so lonely i feel i must break open and split myself onto this floor and they will have to mop up my pieces. your name scribbled on the inside of my skin, over and over again.

and for what? you always had one foot out the door. and i was always, foolishly, totally - all-in.

[ringpopbitch]

i don’t like how endings in real life come on so suddenly without making sense, without much warning. one minute you’re in the middle of something and the next it’s all a very long time ago and you’re a different person and none of it is ever coming back

[ringpopbitch]

“you are the smell before rain / you are the blood in my veins”

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New

[ringpopbitch]

Freaks and Geeks (1999-2000) Created by Paul Feig

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[ringpopbitch]

i have been thinking about the way we, in love, give power to others. this sense - i am allowing you enough room that you could set the house on fire.

when i was younger, people used to tell me it was going to be different after-your-first-love. it has been. it's been easier, most of the time. i know who i am. i used to think it was romantic to say i gave him everything i am. now i know that the right people will not ask for that - they don't want to take from you, only to help you build. i used to think it was lonely, the way adults said we have our own lives. now i know what it is to have that other-life be separated - how wonderful, to have someone i can share with, and someone who celebrates my life and the way i have grown into it.

people said: after you have been hurt, it will be different.

this is true about most things, after all. my experiences were branded on my body. i don't talk about the scars, and you're too smart to ask, and we're both healing. i used to be able to do certain gymnastics tricks - but i fell once, and i haven't been able to get over the mental barrier since then.

the thing is - we learn these stop-measures because someone took advantage of us first. we learn how far is too far because someone forced us too-far. as a kid, i thought there is no too far was romantic. i didn't know better.

it took me a very long time to rebuild parts of my life after him. it took me a very long time to rebuild parts of my character. i think i probably still have rooms without any floors. places that only go down. ceilings full of spraypainted warnings.

i have been thinking about the ways new love comes in. and we crack open each sealed door together, one-at-a-time. and i hear myself in front of her, nervous, saying if you start a fire, please keep it contained in here, it's a place i can afford to lose.

and i hear her, time and time again, utterly confused: why would i do that? it's beautiful in here. i don't want to hurt you.

the way we know it can hurt, and we love anyway. the way we walk the thin ice and say - the risk is worth the skating.

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everything is falling apart and I have so much to fkin do I hate this

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where do you see yourself in 5 years?

me: not looking at price tag when i’m shopping

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honestly sucks because I KNOW I’m being a bitch to the people who care about me but simultaneously just can’t bring myself to fucking be a normal person

I feel fucking crazy and like I’m fkin drowning and idek what to do or say or fucking anything anymore

[ringpopbitch]

I’m in prob the one of the worst mental states I’ve been in for a while and I got an email from the therapist I saw 4 times who lives way too far away and it sucks bc I finally got the nerve to get help then MOVED and now I cannot get help bc I’m moving AGAIN 🙃🙃

(I had a year and a half to find help where I live now so there’s no one to blame but myself)

[ringpopbitch]

it’s killing me

[ringpopbitch]

anxiety is so fucking high what do I do with myself