riley-hicks

[riley-hicks]

Your Light is a Seed and Darkness the Dirt

When the voices started to sound eerily like the man she spoke with while being ‘detained’ she knew something was wrong. No one was so willing to let others know you had a extra voice telling you things in your mind. She kept that from her therapist. She didn’t need him to think she was crazier than she already was. Besides, she knew. Those memories were the foggiest she’s ever had, but the pain was real and the feelings she had after she left were not. Their attempt to get her to admit to things she never would have if she hadn’t been coerced had backfired. Her therapist helped her realize what she truly wanted and in clearing her mind, it opened her to the reality of her situation.

It was why she found herself driving this car, even though she hadn’t driven a car in years. Her hands gripped the steering wheel. Her hands weren’t as strong as they once were, she believed. When it really came down to delivering a punch, she hesitated. If Christopher hadn’t given her those Rogues practically giftwrapped, she didn’t think she would be able to do it. Riley hadn’t realized it at first. She just thought the trainees she managed to get were improving, but Riley’s anger had slowly dissipated and what remained was fragility.

However, that did not mean she herself was weak. No, Riley learned a new strength that went beyond the physical. When she saw Rae at the mall, it proved just how strong she was. Of course, she couldn’t help but be bitter at Rae’s abrupt departure that night two years ago. But, she understood. Nexus was the worst thing she ever could have become a part of and Rae had tried to make her see that, but it was too late and Riley was only able to realize it after the worst had come.

Christopher had become an angel of sorts to her. It was not necessarily in the religious sense; her faith her dwindled along with her loyalty to Nexus, but she would not have been able to do anything without his help. She wouldn’t have been able to climb the ladder in such a short amount of time. She wouldn’t have been able to finally be free. Forever in his debt, she told him if he ever needed someone with her skills to not hesitate to call her.

Some Nexus executives fought her departure, but by the time they got notified, it was too late. The private security company had already accepted Riley and she had long sent in her resignation. Her new supervisor, thanks to Christopher, couldn’t have been more supportive of her leave. Still, the executives wrote untraceable emails to her new employer, attempting to get them to rethink their decision. However, Christopher managed to help her out once more. He knew the head of the security firm and they didn’t take those emails seriously. But who knows how long they would attempt to get their hands back on Riley.

As the days counted down to her final one in New York City, it was almost as if she was in another universe. She couldn’t quite believe she was leaving. She was finally leaving. Goodbyes almost made her want to stay. She had created a nice group of friends in this life. Friendships she would have liked to continue. Especially with the ones in Nexus. Those were the hardest to leave because she knew, she knew they were in the dark just as she once was. She knew they wanted to make the world a better place but were ruining it instead. As much as she wanted to keep in touch, all she gave them was her new email for work. She couldn’t disclose anything else out of fear that they’d find her. That once she had settled and created a family and nice life for herself, that they would find her and take it all away.

How could her happiness be at the cost of the pain of so many others who remained trapped in New York?

Riley didn’t know the answer to that, but she wasn’t going to let her guilt get in the way of her chance at peace. Nexus may have permanently blemished her with their mark for her whole life, but she wasn’t going to let that hold her back. She still had a future. She may be running away from a potential war, but she’d be damned to allow that war to steal from the scraps she has left.

Night had already fallen along the horizon of the road, but sleep wasn’t tugging on Riley’s eyes. She was energized. Letting go of New York may have been difficult, but it was necessary and a huge amount of weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

Not everything in New York deserved to be let go of, however.

“Just like old times, isn’t it?”

Turning to the passenger side, she smiled at Rae as she leaned against the window, stopping momentarily to look at Riley as well.

No, they hadn’t officially decided they wanted to get back together, but Riley was willing to start over with Rae. And she was willing to do the same. They were best friends once, coworkers, enemies, what difference did this new journey make except for the fact that once again, they were doing it together? They had gone through a lot and their chapter in each other’s life wasn’t quite finished yet.

Dropping her hand from the steering wheel, Riley went to take Rae’s hand into her own, giving it a light squeeze. With that, they both set off to end their time in New York with the way they started it.

On the road.

[riley-hicks]

Riley chose not to comment on that. If Rae wanted to believe she was impactful enough to be able to ruin Riley's Christmas then let her believe if for her own self-assurance. It would be a major bummer to think about her during that time, but it wasn't as if that wasn't to be expected. Riley knew she was going to think about Rae, but this time, she didn't want to think about all the things she could have told her. She wouldn't have any regrets from this moment. She needed it.

What Rae told her wasn't news. It was obvious she didn't like Nexus. Not only had she left but she went and got herself into Rogue. If that didn't make it clear she didn't like Nexus, what did? Riley wasn't stupid. As much as some people would like to believe. Although maybe that was to be debated because it hit Riley at the moment. Rae still had feelings for her. Why else would she mope around? Riley wasn't necessarily prepared for this. Why would Rae still have feelings and do what she did?

"That was--" but Rae had already said it. It was undeniably the stupidest thing someone could do to prove a point. Because her point didn't say she didn't like Nexus and wanted Riley to leave. It said I don't like what you stand for and I don't love you.

However, despite Rae's obvious inability to move on, her aggression and rudeness weren't helping anybody. Riley had meant what she said. She really did hope Rae found some peace in the path she decided to go down. The elevator stirred and jerked a bit before the the light of their destination showed up above.

Riley took a step forward. Then another one. She walked toward Rae and very slowly, hesitantly almost, put a hand on her shoulder. She had no reason to not trust Rae anymore. It was obvious she still loved her. And for that Riley pitied her. That she was stuck in the past believing that what she did would still send Riley back into her arms. "Next time when a girl offers to run away with you, take it."

The elevator lurched to a stop and Riley gave her ex a sad smile and a nod. Before the elevator doors opened she brought Rae into a swift hug. "Give 'em hell." she whispered in Rae's ears. With those words, Riley had told Rae everything in her opinion. Everything that needed to be said. Everything Rae needed to know. Her eyes started to water a bit. Only because this was also her goodbye. Her end. Her closure.

She let go just in time for the doors to open with workers looking at them and asking if everything was alright. Riley nodded, giving a polite smile. "Everything's fine."

Christmas Shopping || @Riley

The comforting assurance flies right over her head. Or, well, Rae acknowledges its existence, but she doesn’t care for it. She knows Riley’s polite enough to keep up whatever she needs to keep up, and there won’t be a point where Riley stops fighting against her idea of self-depreciation. She shrugs in response to Riley saying she isn’t ruining Christmas, Sure, whatever. I’d consider it ruined if I could’ve left you alone, but, y’know, instead I stay and make things worse. Technically, the universe did this - put them both in the same place and stopped the goddamn elevator. It’s considered ruined if she ends up thinking about Riley for, like, another month because of this, right? Yeah.

Rae frowns a little, I'm not denyin' anything. She rolls her shoulders uncomfortably and fiddles with the sleeve of her jacket, huffing out a heavy breath. She's spent, like, so little time thinking of what she'd say to Riley because she had hoped that it'd never happen again after last time. But, surprisingly, it comes half-easily after she remembers what Carmen had advised her to do. Use her words, not just sit there and brood angrily. Her emotions were words, too - sentences, even. I didn't like that you were still with Nexus when we were, y'know, together. And... Rae shrugs. She's cursed with the ability to remember most everything in an uncanny way. Dates, faces, names. That all comes flooding back when she doesn't want it to, like, now. She shakes her head, Yeah, well, I wish you did.

Rae snorts when Riley says she doesn't trust her and scoffs. She has three leaders - two of which she's not close with, probably for good reason, too. Famine's the nicest one, she'd assume. Death didn't take Rae's bullshit when she was alive. Well, Famine didn't, either, but she was a lot less intimidating about it. She scoots over to a spot where she's directly across from Riley instead of them being in opposite corners, holding her hands up so Riley doesn't, well, get paranoid. Humor her distrust. I probably will. Rae shrugs, But, it's been, like, a year and something months. Famine's already tired of me comin' t' her all the time. Says I mope around too much 'bout you.

Her jaw clenches when Riley wishes her well, her masseter the prominent feature of her irritation. Yeah, well, I can't say I reciprocate that kind of warm wishes feeling at all. Rae is nowhere selfless enough to actually want Riley to find happiness somewhere else, which gives her pretty crappy karma in the long run. Karma that she can't shake off no matter how much she gives to others. I was angry at you, she explains, I thought the Rogues were my chance to, y'know, show you that I wished you had left Nexus a long time ago. I mean, at the time, I didn't do it for me. Said I did, but, like, I wanted you t'... I dunno. She plays with the shoelaces on her shoes, pulling them untied with a flick of her finger. Busy work for her hands. Yeah, I know, stupid way to do that. I figured that out, like, a week after I left. Rae catches Riley's eyes for a second, But, y'know, after some time, I started feelin' like I really did do it for me. I wanted t' destroy that, that... stupid fuckin' company we met in. I mean, she leans back against the wall, Were we gonna have a family together? Huh? What about our hypothetical adopted or whatever kids? What if they were like us? Y'know, a danger to society and all that crap. What kind of world d'you wanna live in where you're considered dangerous by the same stupid place you work for? Where our kids could possibly live with that kind of stigma? Rae shakes her head and pulls her head back against the elevator wall, ignoring the vibration it sends through the car and her cranium. Don't hope I find what I'm lookin' for 'cause I'm still lookin' for you to leave Nexus before I go in there and personally burn the whole place down myself. Sighing heavily, Rae runs a hand over her face and rolls her eyes. This conversation is worthless at this point; she's not going to change Riley's mind now. Couldn't change it back then.

Yeah, I was right. She stands up and glares the door down as if that'll make it open or move sooner, Should've saved you the trouble and left, like, ten minutes ago. She huffs and leans against the wall again, crossing her arms.

[riley-hicks]

She was already becoming argumentative and Riley should have known that. Known that she didn't change at all. She was still the same person. It was saddening almost, because she had hoped, albeit minisculey, that being in Rogue would help her. Would make her feel like she belonged in a way Riley couldn't do. All Riley could do was blame herself for a long while. And in tapping into that she realized she was equally to blame as Rae was. And her therapist made her see that, made her accept that. Again, it didn't mean the pain wasn't still there. It didn't mean she still didn't hurt. Although maybe there was some light in this dark conversation. Rae wanted to be here. Riley wondered what for.

The self-deprecating attitude didn't faze Riley. It was also to be expected. But what did she have to be selfish and jealous for? She joined what she truly believed in. Riley was stuck in a career that only sought to harm her. Not a day passed where she didn't fear getting put back in a cell. Not a day passed when she wasn't reminded of what happened to her. "You're not ruining Christmas," Riley told her, again it was for comforting reasons, maybe that kind of gentle person was still inside Riley. Rae had meant a lot to her. It couldn't possibly be easy to just shut that off no matter what happened. There would still be some memories and feelings remaining. Muscle memory is what Riley would like to think of it as. You get so used to doing something and even when you don't do it your body just sort of snaps back into it.

"I know what I did," she started, exhaling a shaky breath. "There's no point in denying your actions as well." She wouldn't put it past Rae to do something like that though. Turn it all around on Riley. Yet again mention that she was a selfish and jealous person. An odd mixture of projection and self-rejection, but it all lead to one thing: Riley caving in and deciding she loved her more than whatever they were arguing about. But that simply wasn't the case anymore. "I don't hate you." How hypocritical would she be, talking to Christopher yet claiming to hate Rae and Rogues? Wanting nothing to do with Nexus, who had done harm and yet hating on Rogue for harming others? It took a long while, but she eventually realized she didn't hate Rae. Hated what she did. Who she went to. But not the girl she married. "I don't trust you. Who's to say you won't go blabbing this to your leader as you already have done?" Now that might have been a slightly jealous remark that Riley would have yet to realize. "But I don't hate you. I really hope you find what you're looking for in Rogue."

Whatever it may be, she couldn't have found it with Riley. And if she had stood with Rae, Riley wouldn't have realized she herself found nothing. And for that, there was nothing to do but be thankful.

Christmas Shopping || @Riley

Rae’s heart sinks when she hears Riley’s reminder, and she bites back a snapping remark. But, it slips out, anyway, because she has zero self-control. If you don’t want me here, then just say so, jeez. Like, completely the wrong thing to say to support her defense and she probably just launched herself ten steps backward on her five-year plan, but whatever. She runs her thumb over her phone screen and taps her foot a bit impatiently, despite being very patient with the situation. I wanna be here, she murmurs, chewing on the inside of her cheek absentmindedly. “Why, do you not want me here?” almost slips out again, but Rae stops herself. 

She shrugs, already expecting Riley’s question when it comes. She’s sorta surprised it didn’t come earlier, but she’s been asking herself the same question for awhile, anyway. Why does she spend so many of her nights moping around and moaning and groaning to herself about how she’s less one relationship? Like Riley had no trouble reminding her exactly who was at fault. She grits her teeth and tenses, straightening her spine. Yeah, I’m very aware of that. Thanks for the reminder. Rae rubs her eyes with one hand and puts her phone away. It’s been enough of a useless distraction. She closes her eyes and huffs out an irked breath that turns into vanishing dark wisps as it drifts away from her lips. Oops. For a moment, she dwells on what she had wanted from that evening. Warm arms wrapped around her, Riley’s comforting, soothing voice telling her that everything was going to be okay, that they’d walk through the storm together. It causes her anger to recall that, and her brow furrows as she thinks of it behind closed eyelids. Nobody is the same, but it still gets to her, sometimes, when she thinks that Riley told her to leave after their fight. Like… it never felt fair to her, but as if she’s gonna fucking bring that up right now or, like, ever.

I’m askin’ because I’m a selfish, jealous asshole and I wanna know. She comments, finally finding a comfortable position to sit in as she shifts and turns her body toward Riley, languidly stretching her legs out and knocking her feet together once out of restlessness. Rae runs a hand through her hair and opens her eyes, fixing Riley with a wavering gaze that turns into a partial eyeroll because she can’t keep her eyes in one place without hastily moving on. Besides, I didn’t leave. You said if I ever loved you at all, then I would leave. So, I did. She shrugs and looks at Riley, raising her eyebrows expectantly, Those were your exact words, so what d’you want me to do? You told me t’ get out. Rae huffs and presses her eyes into the palm of her hand. Maybe if she does it hard enough, she’ll pop out her eyeballs and never have to see anything ever again. Look at me, ‘bout t’ ruin Christmas, she mutters, chuckling. Wouldn’t be the first time she ruined something for Riley… God, why’d she have to think that, too?

[riley-hicks]

Yes, of course Riley knew what Rae meant. A significant other. But she had no right to know that information. Why did she want to know that information--was she truly jealous? And if so, why? Why on earth was Rae jealous? Riley wasn't hers. She happily chose Rogue over her own wife. No matter what, that wound was fresh and just the thought of it made her want to end up in tears, but she didn't want to cry, not in front of Rae. Not in front of the one who caused her so much pain. "There isn't," she answered simply with an exhale even though Rae wanted her to forget it. Riley didn't know why she just said it; maybe it was to give Rae some peace of mind even though she didn't deserve it. Not one bit.

"If you don't want to be here you can just teleport out." Riley reminded her. She chewed on the inside of her lip, sort of wanting Rae to leave, but also wanting her to stay. She had gone over what she would say to Rae when she came back, but now she was at a loss for words. How does she convey how much it hurt, still hurts? That she hates her for all she did. That unlike Rae she had scars to match the betrayal. And she got to touch them, feel them, see them every single. damn. day. Did Rae even care about that? She didn't even know. When Rae didn't teleport out, she figured that may have been a signal to press further.

"Why are you asking, anyway? You left."

There it was. No bitterness. It had been all but strained out in therapy. All that was left was its pulp. And for that to be gone, she needed to talk to Rae. She needed closure that Rae still would choose Rogue over Riley. That their marriage meant nothing. Even after the year Riley wasn't sure she could say the same. She was happy in her ignorance. Ignorance concerning Rae's lack of devotion. Her tone was matter-of-factly. Rae left. That was the fact. No, Riley didn't chase. Nor fight for someone who was so willing to leave her own wife.

Christmas Shopping || @Riley

When there’s no response from Riley or any sort of indication that she acknowledged her phone going off or vibrating in her purse, Rae decides to wait, like, a few more seconds. Apprehensively. And nothing happens. She’s a little disappointed, honestly, but, hey, she’s the one who broke them up, right? She, she deserves every little thing that’s coming for her. For a moment, Rae briefly considers asking Riley for her number but then thinks better of it. As if Riley would hand it over in the first place. It’s been a year plus, but that doesn’t mean nothing’s not happened. She swallows air down her dry throat, considering the very real possibility that she’s the one who’s been deluded all long. At least that means Carmen would’ve been right, and she usually is. It’s hard to tell, really; it’s all, like, a big matter of perspective, but which perspective is right? She’s biased if she tells herself that obviously Riley’s perspective is more flawed than hers.

Rae kinda draws her knees closer to her chest as she stays sitting in her corner. She’s bored and about to think herself into a haze if she doesn’t keep the conversation going, but that’s excruciatingly hard when the only person she can talk to is her ex. That’s so weird to think about. Rae’s never had, like, an actual ex before - the awkward kind. It’s a new experience that she’s only realizing she’s having right at the moment. Odd feeling. She thumbs away at her phone but looks up when Riley speaks. It’s something kinda weird to hear from Riley. Like, depressing to hear, almost, and Rae doesn’t know what to say, really. So, she doesn’t say anything. Just "Mhm"s and goes back to her phone. She has an urge, an itch in her fingers, to pull out her earbuds and start listening to music to pass the time - really, how long does it take for elevators to work again? - but then, that would be rude, she thinks. What if Riley were to say something to her and she misses it because she was distracted?

Right, like Riley wants to talk to her of all people. Sometimes, she forgets that - in all technicality - she’s the one who ignited the fire, so Riley’s the one who should be feeling the burn. But, instead, here they are, and Riley’s not an emotional wreck. She is. Riley looks fine. Maybe it’s only through visual appearances, but that’s way better than Rae can manage. She probably looks way shittier to Riley, anyway. The thought makes her frown, and she jabs at her phone with her thumb. Her fingernail taps loudly against the screen in the silence.

Yeah, she probably looks more pathetic, too, especially with that question she just asked. Rae glances over to check if Riley’s giggling at her stupidity, but she’s not sure if she would’ve agreed or not if Riley had been. Well, I mean, yeah, of course, they’re all for someone else. She doesn’t comment on how Riley said it made her seem very jealous to ask the question she did. What does she even have to be jealous over? Jealousy was when she didn’t want someone taking what she had. But, what does she have? Envy would be more like it - wanting what someone else has. She’d be envious if Riley was sharing her Christmas with someone else - someone special. But, you know what I meant. Like, y’know, somebody else. She opens her mouth to elaborate more, but it’s actually really hard to ask an ex if they’re seeing someone else. Makes her sound really obsessive, actually, but Rae’s not sure if that’s because she thinks that of herself or if it’s really what it makes her look like. Alright, um, I mean, y’know what? Forget I said anythin’. She just holds her hands up to pause herself and drops the conversation. Ah, there’s no point.

[riley-hicks]

It was oddly quiet in the elevator. She remembered how Rae would always ramble on about anything really. Riley would listen up until the point where not even Rae was sure what she was talking out. It was just something she did when she was nervous. Riley was nervous too; Rae had meant so much to her at one point in her life--maybe still did and here they were together after a horrible ending to something that seemed so beautiful. So much time had been spent speaking with a therapist talking about Rae, talking about how she left and never came back. Riley felt abandoned. She had completely chosen Rogue and it hurt. It hurt so bad.

"So many personalities in an elevator, it'd be a miracle if they didn't start killing themselves off." Rather macabre way to think, but it was the first thing Riley thought of at the idea of so many people in an elevator. She tilted her head back against the wall, momentarily closing her eyes. However, once again, Rae wasn't to be trusted. So she picked her head back up and face Rae, but didn't really look at her. Riley still kept her in her peripheral vision. Sure, she didn't look intimidating, but she didn't know this Rae. Stopped knowing her after she made the decision to join an terrorist group.

Riley's eyes darted to Rae when she asked her question. A smirk tugged on the corner of her lips and she turned her head to the side. Really? She wanted to know that? "Very." Rae had no right to even know. She wasn't a part of her life anymore and even if Riley did have someone she didn't want to tell Rae. Who knew what she might do in her unstable state of mind? Luckily, Riley had no significant other to put in danger. She was thankful. She had no heavy ties that would make it difficult to leave. "They're all for someone else." Riley chose to be smart about it. Where was Rae even getting at anyway?

Christmas Shopping || @Riley

Rae shrugs, actually nonchalant about it, No, I’m alright here. Leaving actually takes effort - which is easy for her, honestly, but she would rather not face the rest of that where she’d be wondering about Riley while going Christmas shopping. That wouldn’t be the best idea. So, she stays put and just lets her eyes roam around the elevator. She’s always been good at getting herself distracted when she wants to be, so that’s pretty useful when she finds a small dent on the upper half of one of the elevator walls. Her mind wanders to how that dent could have happened, which is a pretty useful tactic to avoid thinking about Riley. She’s trying to listen to some good advice which is really simple but surprisingly hard to follow through with - move on. It has to do with her fluctuating levels of emotion, she thinks. Some days, she cares so much about Riley and wants to know how well or not well she’s doing that it rips her apart and she almost does a lot of stupid things. A tattoo was about to be one of them, and it was a good thing the waitress at the bar talked her out of it before she did that. And, some days, she cares so little that she’s dead set on the idea that Riley can’t give a flipping fuck about her and absolutely despises every time fate throws them together. (And, worse, she’s starting to believe in that, too - that fate is the one touching their paths and twisting them together.) This is one of those apathy days.

Looking at Riley’s bags makes Rae feels like she could’ve done better. Like, if it were one of those competitions to show someone’s ex that they were doing better without them, Riley would win, as she always does. Rae knows she regresses. Declines instead of increases. She makes impulsive decisions when emotional, and they’re not always the best ones. Which means that her general expression of herself is very… basic at the best. She’s always lived in one stage of her life, and at this point, it’s a Rae thing, not a mental health issue thing. Stubborn is the word to describe it, and Carmen summarized it perfectly in several of the conversations they’ve had where she talked about Riley. “You refuse to move on.” It’s not that she can’t. Just doesn’t want to, but seeing Riley, clearly still on track with her life, with her priorities, buying gifts for people that are not Rae because newsflash, Rae is not the most important person in her life (anymore - or, well, second because supposedly one’s self is always meant to be #1) - it’s… depressing to say the least. She has not improved, really, and hypothetically, people expect to when they break up with others. It’s been a year, and she is still clinging to the past because she’s codependent on an idea, a concept, on memories. At least Riley has a wishlist to follow. Priorities. Organization. Rae isn’t even sure what she’s going to have for lunch in thirty minutes - presuming that she gets out of here before then, but she is always capable of doing so. She’s even told Carmen this, which made the Horseman laugh at her, shake her head, then tell her that it was the worst idea and that jumping in front of a gamma ray machine to become the Hulk had a higher chance of success. “I’m waiting for us to end up together again.”

But, that’s not how life works, she realizes. One person moves on. If the other doesn’t, they don’t survive. Survival is for the fittest, and Rae is far from fit. Riley has a chance to make it in the wild - she’s healthy, is open for opportunities to make mini-Rileys and pass on her healthy genes. Rae is far from that, and she’s not looking for partner replacements. With no way of continuing her life through reproduction and familial creation, she’s basically resigning herself to dying out in the future as the weaker species. Because that’s what she is. She stays rooted to her spot and doesn’t move on. That will end up killing her one day. Adaptation would help her survive, but Rae doesn’t adapt.

Rae flinches as the lights go out, but she’s already fumbling for her phone the moment Riley hits the alarm. Chill, she mutters, but it’s directed toward the ringing sound in the air that makes her frown. Rae gets the flashlight on her phone to turn on and huffs out a small “Ow” when she accidentally shines it in her own phone. But, at least she has a phone that can turn on a flashlight, right? Few months ago, she couldn’t do that. When the lights flicker back on, Rae turns off the flashlight on her phone and shrugs to herself, quickly dropping into a sitting position against her corner of the elevator. She doesn’t mind being here, really, even if she can just leave whenever she wants to (although, who’s to say Riley doesn’t have an ability nullifier on her? - are those things even portable?); Rae’s pretty chill about getting stuck in places. Traffic’s never bothered her, so an elevator wouldn’t. She can always find something to do, and if all else fails, she can sleep.

She can’t help the smile that comes on her face at Riley’s attempt at a joke, Yeah, but all of those shoppers will find a way. I mean, they’ll really want those sales. Might clog up a staircase or two instead of the elevator. Rae leans against the wall and fiddles with her phone, getting a lightbulb of an idea in the process. It’s stupid. Really stupid. But, if it doesn’t work, then no harm done. She scrolls through her contacts list and stops at the H section, her thumb hovering over ‘Riley Hicks’. Ah, dumb idea. But, she hits the option to send a message, anyway, and types out a quick "Is this still your number?" and sends it off. Rae patiently waits for Riley’s purse to vibrate or beep or something. Or, like, a message to pop up on her own screen going ‘Who is this?’. But, that’ll be alright. She doesn’t expect Riley to have the same number after a whole year - heck, even she doesn’t because of a new phone and a new carrier and all.

So, she pokes the elephant in the elevator with a metaphorical stick. It’s not like small talk really works here. Like… Rae can’t see herself doing that right now. But, what else is there to talk about? ‘Uhhh, I still love you and I can’t stop thinking about you’? ‘Tough luck; you’re the one who left’ is kinda what she expects in response. Rae twiddles her fingers and fakes being super interested in her index and thumb rubbing together. How jealous would I sound if I asked if one of those presents on your list is, like, for somebody else? God, so smooth. She needs an award for this new brand of verbal clumsiness.

[riley-hicks]

She tied you to her kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the hallelujah.

[riley-hicks]

"There is? Great" Riley allowed a genuine smile to appear on her face, nodding, glad Gillian knew the area better than she did and equally glad she was willing to spend some time. It was the perfect way to spend time with her. Dark. Quiet. No awkward silence. "It's no problem. Anytime, really." The next smile wasn't so genuine, probably because her own words didn't have the strength they should have, but she would try to at least contain her feelings with Gillian and not let her anger out on someone who wasn't so mentally sound.

Half-apprehensively, Gillian keeps her eyes on Riley, almost sighing in relief when the other woman suggests seeing a movie. Yeah, that's true, she agrees, nodding noncommittally. She bites the inside of her cheek, pushing down whatever insecurity is threatening to claw its way up. This is good for her. It's healthy for her. Healthy being the key word because she isn't right now. Nodding to herself, Gillian quickly pulls out her phone and looks up the nearest movie theater. It's close by, maybe a twenty or thirty minute walk. There's a theater not too far from here, she murmurs, pointing in the direction before she pockets her phone. After a moment of walking in the direction of the movie theater, Gillian pipes up, a little awkwardly since... she's not good at this, Thank you, you know, for this.

[riley-hicks]

"Being stuck alone with your thoughts is never a good thing, is it," she spoke, although no inflection indicating it was a question. She knew very well it could be your own worst enemy at times. Sighing, she glanced around the area once more, before dropping her eyes to her watch. "A movie's always been a good excuse to think about something else and focus on someone else's drama." She paused before meeting Gillian's eyes. "Whaddya say," she breathed, a short cloud of her breath expelled with it.

Yeah, it is. But she doesn't really have anywhere else to go. Gillian shrugs, feeling the beginning of uneasiness start to prod at her mind, which isn't really something she's used to. I don't know, really. My psychiatrist said I should, I don't know, get out more. She said I spend too much time alone; it's not... good for my treatment. She shrugs, I guess medication isn't going to do all the work. Well, duh, that's what she's already been told. I mean, everything's fine. I guess. Gillian rubs her neck, I don't know; I'd rather be around someone I'm familiar with right now. I mean, I wouldn't be a big bother.

[riley-hicks]

Riley thought back to what she had said, realizing they are dependent on each other. "It's late, obviously," she said as she sighed. Sliding her hands into her pockets, she glanced around them, even the streets were pretty empty. "I'm just really tired, but," she ran a hand through her hair, coming back to her senses. "What did you want to talk about? Is everything okay?" She looked over Gillian, waiting for her to speak. She did say she was getting help; did she want to talk about that. Riley didn't talk to anyone about her therapist. It was better that way, although it was kind of rude since Gillian would share that about her. Still, she could shake off the paranoia that was getting stronger every day. She had to watch out for angry Rogues as well as suspicious Nexus employees.

She's feeling a rise in tension in the converstion, but maybe it's just her imagination. A lot of things could easily be due to her imagination - namely, all of this. Gillian takes a moment to breathe, shrugging off that feeling of delusion that was threatening to creep up. Yep. Takes a lot of courage for anyone to admit that they need help. Well, actually, might just be her. Um, aren't they dependent on each other? I can't have your time without your company and your company without your time. Gillian furrows her brow, trying to backtrack and take apart Riley's question, but then she decides it's not worth it. It's important for her to get out. Talk, socialize, mingle. That's what her therapist told her, but... that's not necessarily what Gillian wants all the time. Just trying to hold a conversation with Riley is already draining at her; it's no wonder she only ever consistently has contact with two or three people. More is such a hassle on her mental energy. If you don't want me here, just say so. I'm sure you have other things to do after work like go home and relax.

[riley-hicks]

"You've got time," Riley spoke breathlessly as she looked to the elevator doors, wondering when they would open. It was impossible not to panic over a broken elevator, but it was only three floors, maybe four given a basement so it wouldn't be too bad if it went freefall, right? A scary thought so she tried to put it away. Although the thoughts about Rae weren't anything better. At least Rae has people to give something to. It's good that she's made friends with her fellow Rogues. Probably better relationship than the one she has with her Nexus coworkers. Doesn't matter anyway. If things continued to go her way, she wouldn't have to worry about them very soon.

At the mention of herself she glanced down at her bags--they weren't many, but she wasn't done for today. "I hope so. I've gotten what's on their lists." While all of her nieces and nephews weren't babies anymore, she still saw them as such, but most of them stopped asking for toys and a couple of them were already at University. She was proud of them all and maybe felt a hint of sadness of the chance of a family that was stolen from her. Well, it wasn't stolen; it left. And never came back. It willingly walked away. The wound was still sensitive, not as raw as it once had been; no crippling pain that kept her up at night, that led her to grab the nearest thing to keep herself from falling. Of course Rae would never know that, would she? She wouldn't know what Nexus did to Riley, how they scarred her and despite that it wasn't as ugly and traumatizing as when Rae left Riley.

As much as Riley would love to look at Rae's appearance and judge her and believe her life is equally shitty, Rae never looked very well in Riley's opinion. Even when they were together something always seemed off. So Riley may think she looks shittier, but that won't mean her life has gotten shittier. She knows it could have gotten better and it leaves a bittersweet feeling. As immature as she is, she would want Rae to be doing worse off, but Riley is an adult and all she ever wished for after she managed to climb that mountain that was their break up, she just wanted Rae to be happy. After all, it wasn't Riley she would have to live with her whole life wondering if she made the right choice, it would be with Rogue and Riley couldn't have wanted anything better for herself.

Just then the lights turned off and it startled Riley, but she went and pressed the alarm button or rather just pressed whatever button and landed on the alarm and it rang out for as long as she pressed it. She couldn't see Rae and it made her more paranoid, that this was some plan she had with Rogue. "What the hell." They flickered back on and she only hoped they would get some assistance soon. "Hopefully they fix it before the shopping season really happens. Otherwise they'd have to worry about more than two people in an elevator." It was a joke, almost, a short chuckle managing to escape her mouth and she looked over at Rae, not to make some sort of connection, but to keep her eyes on her and make sure she knew Rae's movements. She moved closer to the other end, setting her back against it. She stopped trusting Rae a long time ago and this time is no different knowing she was part of Rogue.

Christmas Shopping || @Riley

Rae shrugs, forcing what might as well be a panic attack back down her throat, I don't know what to buy for anyone... yet. Her list has actually become progressively shorter over the years, and Rae wonders what that's supposed to metaphorically mean. She went from buying her close friends at Nexus presents to, like, nobody. Nami, possibly Carmen but what was there to buy someone who had everything... Maybe Lyla, but Rae hadn't talked to her in a year since she hung up on their last conversation. Maybe Claire but they hadn't talked in a long while. That didn't really constitute as friends if they hadn't interacted in so long that Rae almost forgot what Claire looked like, right? Maybe she just wasn't good with faces. Honestly, she doesn't even buy anything for her family anymore. She's not sure Tyler is over his wife's death yet, so she doesn't wanna force any interaction on him that he doesn't want, and Rae hardly even talks to Adam anymore. What a great godmother she is.

She does have money, though, but most of it is withdrawn from Carmen's credit card at that ATM right around the corner of the mall. In fact, she has a whole lot of money, and she's only starting to worry about it now. Rae pats her pocket and fidgets. If she gets mugged, she'll be, like, a lot of hundred dollar bills lighter. Which isn't a pleasant thing to think about. She looks at Riley, catching her eyes for a split second and lingering. Is it possible to tell who got out of a relationship safely just by looking? Probably. Rae knows someone trained in psychology and body language could probably tell every detail, but she doesn't have to be a professional to know that the answer is Riley. Because Riley isn't codependent. Riley doesn't waste her time stuck over... She can't even finish that thought; it's just so hard to stay on track when she thinks about Riley because it all leads back to the fact that she's obviously the pathetic one who can't move on and can't even function for herself without having someone to lean on.

Leaning against the wall, Rae stuffs her hands in her pockets and really does try to keep eye contact with Riley. It's actually really easy once she gets started on it because, in her head, the worst part of admitting to herself that Riley is clearly the winner is already over. She has to go home and start fixing herself; there's no point in chasing after someone who doesn't need her. So, you get anythin' good?

[riley-hicks]

"I'm not the one that would have to live with it if you weren't telling the truth," Riley responded heavily, not really feeling for any joking or banter between them. "But that's good. It takes a lot of courage to do that." Or so that's what Riley wanted to believe. She's not sure what Gillian wanted and is confused about it. "Which do you want, my time or my company?" All Riley really wanted to do was go home. It was late and she was exhausted. Now was not really the time for going out to have a drink or whatever she would do with Gillian.

Yes, she states, drawing out the sole syllable a tiny bit, I am. Thanks for asking. I, um, have another therapy session in a week, if you don't believe me. Gillian huffs out a short exhale, Do you do this to all your friends? Well, she wouldn't think Riley considers her a friend, really. But that's debatable. Or, at least, everyone you know? She sighs. I just wanted to hang out or something. But, if you're busy or have something to do at home, then that's alright.

[riley-hicks]

Riley thought about his offer. It was nice, but... Riley didn't want it. "That's real sweet of you," she trailed off, sighing. Could he do anything if anyone even tried to attack? Like he mentioned himself, nothing but intimidate. He was really tall, but all he did was make her feel more anxious. "But I'm okay. Although if I end up on the 11 o'clock news, don't feel guilty for letting me walk by myself." She let out a small chuckle at her dark joke, but it was intended to be a joke.

"Thanks, Riley," Leo took a few steps forward, toward the potential danger but she was his co-worker. She seemed nice, if not relatively naive and kind natured. —A little too kind natured even with that weapon in her possession. He sighed. "Are you heading to your car or something? You probably don’t need my help seeing how you’re already packing." He pointed in the general direction of her gun. "But it’s night and it’s New York so maybe I can just keep you company and fool potential sleazy people into thinking I’m menacing because of my stature." 

[riley-hicks]

It's the holiday season and while Christmas was still a ways away she couldn't help but begin at least looking for potential gifts. She had already texted her siblings to ask what the little devils wanted for Christmas. She wasn't going to be able to make it for Thanksgiving. Things were going too well at Nexus. It was quick but the organization was so dull they wouldn't realize it until she was gone. Riley remembered how she once bought gifts for as many people as she could at Nexus. Now she couldn't care less about any of them. However, Christopher definitely needed something. She wasn't sure what he liked but Riley needed some way to thank him for all he was doing. Everything had been going smoothly.

Well, almost everything. Riley's paranoia has been worsening and recommendations had been made to take medicine but Riley was against it. Still, the feeling was impossible to shake off.

When she walked into the elevator she didn't recognize the person inside at first; Rae had become a distant memory. A fond memory sometimes. She could tell by the nervousness in Rae's voice that she obviously wasn't over things in that she thought it was uncomfortable to be in an elevator with her ex. It wasn't the preferred situation but Riley was too invested in her own life to make anything of it. "Go ahead," Riley said, knowing what she was referring to. "I'll just stick it out." She pulled out her phone, texting back one of her siblings. Although, why would Rae be shopping? Could she even afford anything? They're here, Riley's thoughts said. She's planning to attack you. Riley had her back to Rae and when that thought came in she immediately turned around but said nothing.

She didn't want anything from Rae. There was no chance of friendship. They were nothing but strangers now. While there is still that feeling of showing your ex you're better off without them, Riley's never been that type of person. But she has accepted on most days that Rae made her decision and Riley had come to peace with that, especially with how she looked at Nexus now. Riley wanted out of it, but Rae wanted to keep inside the mess. They were two different people, but her therapist mentioned closure. She looked up at Rae. "You don't look like you've been shopping."

@Riley

As far as Rae knows Carmen is supposedly doing some early Christmas shopping, so she just tagged along. It takes her maybe five minutes to get bored and branch off on her own. There’s, like, a hundred+ plus stores in this mall (or that’s what their website says), but Rae just finds herself going back to the food court every half hour because it’s really cold despite her being indoors and she keeps craving fries. She has’t gotten any shopping done, but it’s not like she has too many people to really shop for. Like, the Rogues won’t care if she— well, she should at least give a gift card or something to the ones she know. She isn’t as rich as Carmen or Gavin, anyway, so whatever she can afford will most likely pale in comparison.

Rae’s only just gotten into the elevator on the first floor and waited for it to go up to the third level; the lift stops at the second level to pick up some more passengers, so Rae just presses herself into a corner and busies herself with her phone, anticipating a family or a bunch of people. Either way, she doesn’t look up and just waits for the door to close. Finally, as the elevator gets moving again, she glances up and quickly looks back at her phone, feeling a sudden numbness in her fingertips. Jesus Christ… maybe Riley didn’t see her. Or, whatever, they’re both getting off at three, so she’ll just leave and, like, not make a big deal of this. Unfortunately, that’s not what happens as the elevator creaks once and then stops. In the middle of going anywhere. Are you kiddin’ me? She leans forward and jabs the third floor button with her knuckle, frowning. It’s too soon to start calling emergency or whatever, especially since it’s not like the lights went out and the cable snapped or something. It’s just… stuck. She kinda half-turns to Riley, eyes really floating everywhere and not making proper contact but, like, every once in a few times, Hi, uh, I mean, do you, um, wanna get out of here? Like, I could… She jerks her thumb at the elevator doors. Out of - well, she would look rude as hell if she just left without asking Riley - manners or whatever, she’s just asking. Rae just kinda pathetically shrugs to end her question.

[riley-hicks]

"What? No," Riley ran her hand through her hair, shaking her head and extending her arm for him to continue. "I'm not trying to keep you. You can go." She didn't think she would even be able to trust her own words if she was him either.

Leo stood frozen in the same spot, not wanting to advance forward because of the sight of the gun. “No, I get it. It’s a big city and all sorts of things happen,” he rationalized out loud. “I’m just looking to get home. No reason to shoot me, right?”

[riley-hicks]

Riley continued to stare at her, not the least bit fazed by whatever Gillian was trying to prove. It made no sense to her, really, for Gillian to keep following her to try and get a chance to talk with her when Riley saw it easier to talk to her during work. Then again, it could be something she would have rather not been discussed in the public area of Nexus. "Are you getting help," Riley asked, quite bluntly, but was there any other way to ask? She completely ignored whatever it was Gillian had said before, because it didn't matter. It was just her complaining and trying to garner sympathy. That wasn't something Riley so easily tried to give out all the time. Was Gillian taking medication or talking to a therapist? Riley needed to know. She wasn't about to be a replacement for the two again.

Gillian immediately picks up on the annoyance in Riley’s voice - she knows she’s heard it a lot from other people and from herself, so it’s familiar. If she had been a dog, her ears probably would have perked up then shifted forward as her irritation spiked. She wasn’t very hard to prod. You know what? Forget it. She can’t stop the eye roll that instinctively comes but resists the urge to rub one hand with another - she might want to make a fist, which is supposedly not the right thing to do. I’m just asking for your time. Is that too much? I wouldn’t think so, seeing as - at least, this time - I’m not coming into your apartment and shoving all of my problems at you. Gosh, this is why she doesn’t really like to bother with people. She can’t read them, can’t deal with them, can’t talk to them without feeling bored or irritated. Honestly, things felt better when she was talking to a tank in the middle of the desert.

[riley-hicks]

The Law and Order reference went over Riley's head, not having ever heard of that and only confused her more. She ran a hand through her hair, growing frustrated. "What is it?" Riley asked, annoyed because if she wanted to speak she should have done so before Riley left the office. It was a pathetic lie in Riley's opinion. She would have thought Gillian would be a better liar than that. But maybe she hadn't planned on Riley noticing. Honestly, did Nexus forget the training she went through before all this happened? It was an insult to their own capabilities thinking she wouldn't notice someone following her. Once Riley got home she would think it over and come to the conclusion Gillian might be watching her for Nexus. It would make sense to her then.

Gillian’s reflexes are what makes her feet anchor to the ground, what make her body tense, shoulders square, arms flex - and what makes her almost reach for the gun tucked into the waistband of her jeans. Instead, she catches her own action halfway and simply leaves her hands on her sides, fingers slightly twitching to neutralize the threat she sees. It’s not that Riley’s gun worries her. She isn’t afraid of that. What makes her wonder, though, is why Riley would ever need a gun. It’s ironic when she sees a post-human with a weapon. She voices her thoughts aloud, I don’t remember being on an episode of Law & Order, so you might want to put that away. Her nonchalance is incredibly out of place - especially for someone threatened with a gun. Gillian should be apologizing, but she doesn’t because, well, she did actually follow Riley. They’re only a little bit away from work, and she’s been too distracted by that thing always lingering over her shoulder to call out to her friend. Besides, she had planned ahead to the point where she’d just follow Riley home and knock on her door. Didn’t exactly count on how aware Riley would be. I was going to talk to you. She says, shrugging. You’re basically my only friend, so. The blonde says that without a single indication that the statement really matters to her - like, most people would be resigned to the fact that they’re that lonely. Gillian isn’t. Less people bother her that way.

[riley-hicks]

When he came into view, Riley sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Sorry--didn't recognize you. It's night--the light--shadow," she attempted to explain. "A girl can't be too careful sometimes."

Leo threw his hands up, shielding himself, as a reflex, “Whoa, whoa!” He backed up enough to put a decent amount of distance in between them. “This is the way to the parking garage, right? I’m just trying to get home. I’m not armed. Just trying to get home.”