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wow, i feel lost again.

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I have learned to paint my nails gray and green when I was six.

My old man let me use his nails from hand to foot, so I can be better. Then I started to play more and mixed it with pink, yellow and even glittery blue. But I never heard him contest my palette so I continue.

Purple became my best friend when I turned eleven, everything should be purple, so my old man let me paint his nails purple.

He never complained, in fact he praised me and say that I improved since the last time I colored his nails.

Then my mind started saying that I should hang out with my friends more and go home late at night. I did. One night, my almost twelve year old me went home at nine pm. My old man was fuming mad. He almost hit me.

I was appalled by the fact that he was mad at me for being home at nine pm without listening for my explanation.

The next day, I ignored him like it was his fault that the car of my friend's brother didn't start. He came to me and said sorry. Who am I to ignore him more?

I became obsessed with black when I was thirteen. I let my family buy me things but it should be black. I painted my nails black. Of course my old man wouldn't miss it to the world to let me paint his too.

We're rocking our gothic nails for a month.

Everything went fine because they settled me wity black. I couldn't ask for more.

But one day,my old man collapsed. Another heart attack.

It's that thing that makes me shiver ever since I was a kid. Brings tears in my eyes. Unwanted thoughts would succumb me and tell me all the things that I would do if my old man leaves me all of a sudden. That's heart attack.

He was confined to a hospital for a week. On the first day, my family left me alone in the house. I let my friend's mom cooked food for me. She said it was fine.

I had my little freedom while they're all at the hospital with my old man. I slept late, played with my tops and not finish the food.

Then suddenly he had to go back to our previous home becuase hospitals were closer compare to where we resided.

My family went chaotic while he was away. Fights, screams, banters and worst? I have to leave the house where I painted my old man's nails black and purple.

I lived with it thinking maybe, just maybe, my old man would be strong again and all the fights that occured would be resolved.

But then he painted my life black.

No. He took all the colors.

Coldness. Cold. Cold hands.

It was his hands that I felt from warm to cold. I did not know it was even possible.

He was smiling while I burst into tears mumbling inane things.

It was unfair. I was being stupid the night before he left. I was being stupid telling myself what should I do when he finally leaves. I was so stupid to think that I could be ready.

Maybe that's why I slept a lot after my old man's wake. I didn't eat that much. Then I got sick.

From life. School. Friends. Me.

Up until now I have been finding for the right colors. I'm still looking for that one right color that will desolute my turmoil. Or maybe I'm just craving for the greens, yellow and blue when I was six.

Because right now I'm so used seeing black and gray ever since the day my old man left with the colors that I just try to put on my hair.

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Ilang plano pa yung kaya niyong hindi ituloy? Pakisabi na para di na ko masaktan. Thanks.

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Why am I being dependent again?

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protect pan kids

-protect pan kids who are guys -protect pan kids who are girls -protect pan kids who are non-binary -protect pan kids who are told they are selfish -protect pan kids who are told they are bi -protect pan kids who are told they need to choose -protect pan kids who are told they are fake -protect pan kids who are told they are greedy -protect pan kids who have only dated men -protect pan kids who have only dated women -protect pan kids who have only dated non-binaries -protect pan kids who have a preference in men -protect pan kids who have a preference in women -protect pan kids who have a preference in non-binaries -protect pan kids

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Ang dami ko talagang ayaw sa section namin nakakasad.

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My brain: let’s listen to chill music to calm down before Youngblood drops.

My heart: nope.

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It's just so draining that you wouldn't care anymore.

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© SU CAN FLY

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Open letter

Sobrang sama ng loob ko. I know masama talaga ugali ko. Like duh, I'm fucking aware of it kasi lagi naman akong nasasabihan ng ganun. But I know I don't deserve na mabawian sa grades. Call me GC/ grade conscious or whatever, but I know I FUCKING DESERVE HIGHER GRADES. Deportment and academic awards and grades are separated pero tangina ka, Gail bakit pati subject grades ko dinadamay mo? Alam ko kung kailan ko kailangan makareceive ng line of 8 sa card, but I have my guts that tells me kung kailan ako ginagago ng isang teacher. In my entire experience sa isang private school, never have I experienced na mabawian sa acads. All my life, I thought it was just a myth. Until it happened to me. Alam mo kung bakit hindi kita pinapansin? Because iniiwas ko yung sarili kong mabastos ka pa. Kasi wala na talaga kong respeto sayo as a teacher ko e, because you never act one naman talaga. Paano ka nagkaroon nang nacompute na grades when you never gave us activity. Kung magbigay ka man, it's by group which I believe na so shitty. You never gave back our paperworks kaya paano ko malalaman kung ano na ang standing ko sa subject mo. Wanna know why? Kasi gusto kong aware ako sa grades na GINAGAWA KO AT IKINUCOMPUTE mo. Kasi ganoon naman talaga di ba? Students make their grades as for the teachers compute it. NAGCOCOMPUTE HINDI NANGHUHULA NG ILALAGAY NA NUMBER. Wala na raw akong respeto sa'yo, pero I'm sorry to say this kasi wala na talaga. Hindi ako bastos nang wala sa dahilan. Bastos lang ako pag alam kong nababastos na ako at iyon lagi ang ginagawa mo sa akin at sa best friend ko. Every single time na minamali mo ako, kahit na alam kong tama ako dahil yun yung itinuro sa amin ng mga dati naming profs, napapahiya ako sa sarili ko at sa harap ng mga classmates ko. Pero I know naman na they're aware kung sino ang tama sa ating dalawa e. Takot lang silang magsalita so they settle in befriending you. I pity them actually, kasi it's pretty obvious na sila yung pinaboran mo sa acads because they never went against your commands. Unlike me. I never follow blurry rules, so I try so hard na iwasan ka kasi baka "ma offend" na naman kita.

Don't worry, gagraduate na rin naman na kami, pero I'll make sure na mababago yung grades ko because I know I don't deserve it. Higit ako sa numerong isinulat mo sa putanginang record book mo na puro kasipsipan ang laman. I know my worth when it comes to acads, and I tend to sow what I truly deserve especially when I worked hard for it.

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Shookt ako na may konting info about kaye cal here in tumblr. 😁

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I really don't get why my family is so against to same sex relationship. Like fam whyyyyyy?

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Love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

Unknown (via wordsnquotes)

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All of me knows that it would be the best to get hospitalised..