rhxry

[rhxry]

why

[rhxry]

14122021

havent posted since the day i got here. things have been good, been skipping a lot of pills tho i shouldnt.

it feels so good cuz i havent been in such a good shape for long, tho i still got dragged down sometimes. in one way i feel like im better just being here, but in other way i think ppl r better off w/out me there. still miss em tho.

got a lot to say but dont know how to start, lets seel till tmrw.

[rhxry]

seriously flying away to czech tmrw, im still kinda scared but excitement is covering it. cuz i want to move on, move on from everything im gonna leave here. hope i can really forget everything that i should have forgotten and just be me again.

[rhxry]

i should be on the plane rn. im a total fucked-up.

theres a lot of ways to  suicide.

haning is the ugliest way to kill urself. ur mouth would open up showing ur  tongue with saliva dropping, gravity would break ur spin, ur body would lost all supports, curling limbs shitting everything left in ur intestines.

CO poisoning is the prettiest way to die, ur face would blush like u had make-up on, and ud die sleeping.

jumping off a building is either the dumpiest and the most romantic. if the building was tall enough, ud die immediately, it is meaningless and chicken. but if it wasnt, u wouldnt die. as the moment u hit the ground, what along wouldnt be the death, is pain. u would live probably w paralysis, regretting for the rest of ur life, but not for jumping, for all the mistakes uve made before it. like a punishment u make to urself it is the most romantic way to do hurt, to harm, to almost kill oneself amd let them remember all the painful things.

im not suicidal, but sometimes the line get all blurry. im not going to kill myself tho, i still have things havent do and dreams havent been accomplished. im too young, unready, and coward for that shit.

-20210914

[rhxry]

“used to, those r the saddest words in any languages.” ppl always miss their past, no matter ppl or things. but our lives are like a train, some ppl would hop on from any stop, then hop down whether u expected or not. cuz it is ur life, not theirs. they have the right to choose when they wanna move on and leave you and it is totally out of ur control. trains never turned back until they got to the destination, it is always gonna be hard to move on, but the only thing we can do except of looking back, is expecting everything and everyone that is coming next.

-20210911

[rhxry]

got my sleeping pills and anxiety&depression-control pills for the next 3 months today. due to the law i could only get pills for a maximum of 90 days, so my last 3 months in czech i would have to figure a way out myself. after i got the pills, the first idea that came up my mind was that it is so good we have health care in taiwan. ive got like 360pills today and only have to pay 150. but then i soon thought, how i made myself in this situation?

at the start of the second year in wzu i was happy. like really happy that i dont know how id always had a way out of the mood. whenever i was depressed, it could only last for like a few hours, even sometimes i bought a bunch of chocolate to give to my friends to make myself happy again, and it always worked. but then, id already forgot when but it probably was the end off the first semester of second grade, things just suddenly got bad and i didnt know how and why even till now. so i started seeing therapist and taking pills discontinuously, and it is still going on.

id never know why i havent got any better until few days ago. the night i went out drinking w an old friend and got tipsy, she asked about what i usually think when depression and anxiety hit me. she wasnt the first person asking me the same thing, but somehow this was the first time i thought about the reason seriously. probably bc of the alcohol, or bc it was the person that i knew for such a long time. i found that, deeply inside my heart, i dont want to get better. when those two things hit me, id just think “here we go again, fuck it ill just leave it there.” a lot of hypochondriacs have the same questions about “how could i do to get out of the mood,” and this unsolvable question makes their situation even worse sometimes. maybe the reason i dont have this in mind was bc im too afraid of getting worse deep down, or im just trying to cope w it.

i dot want to get better, cause things that so good like this could never happen to me, and if it does, im gonna be terrified of it coming back everyday, anytime i wasnt expecting

-20210910

[rhxry]

i screwed up. my visa is having problems, i dont know how to book the pcr test, i havent finished packing, my craft orders r undone, and im leaving next tuesday. i dont know wtf im doing and i know i fucked up, i dont know what can calm me down rn and all those things could only be taking care of tmrw morning, i wish i could just blink and it would already be tmrw. why arent my anxiety-control pills working. im seriously fucked up.

[rhxry]

“youre not weak, youre just tired.”

-20210908

[rhxry]

i was out drinking till 6 in the morning ytd so i didnt write, but last night was SO MUCH FUN!!!

“treat yourself better.”

i receive this suggestion all the time, and i figured the reason they dont think im treating myself right is bc i always put others before myself. but it is not as nice as it looks like. i put other before myself, but then i feel bad when they take it as granted or do not react the way i want. i feel bad for myself, but what i did was all volunteered. all the time i was thinking ppl should be a lil bit great full, i missed the actual reason that i did those thing was just wanting to be nice. no one is responsible for the reaction i want, im not as a good person some ppl think i am.

-20210907

[rhxry]

sth i myself have to learn

life is like a fragile glass, every bad decision we makes cracks on it that couldnt be reversed, trying to would only shatters it more.

i hate trying to make things right tho ive been doing it all the time. when after a fight, id always stepped back and admitted things i thought ive done wrong. at the moment, the only thing i wanted was for things to go right again. but what i hadnt realized is that nobody asked me to do it. all i could think of afterwards was how much id sacrificed, but that was not what fights about. fights are about communicate, not somebody stepping back all the time.

sometimes we get tired of doing things we thought r the best for ppl, felt grievous for ourselves. but in the end u r only the whitecap in ur own mind. saying ur feelings out loud isnt always selfish, sometimes it is also in the good for the others.

-20210905

[rhxry]

gentleness was built by a little bit of pretending and a lot of forcing. we r gentle to ppl we care, to show support or to let them feel good. gentleness is stupid, we sacrificed ourselves to comfort others. tho it is not all the time, but it is true. it is the greatest kind of love, so cherish someone who is always gentle to u.

-20220904

[rhxry]

im not okay, and im tired of pretending to be.

ytd i had a lot of thought about my situation, and what actually was going on when the depression is affecting me. i realized that i dont want to be okay, more specifically, i dont think i deserve to be okay. whenever im depressed, i never expected the feelings to go away, every time i just let myself stuck in the gutter, thinking about every horrible things in my life and what a terrible person i am; and when im normal, i still dont want to fix this. im only taking pills just so i could sleep better, and to control my anxiety. im not okay, n im not qualified to be.

-20210904

[rhxry]

went our w an old friend ytd, actually i just got home and it is 6am rn. we went to this bay that is 40min drive away, and stayed till the morning. it felt nice;)

-20210902

[rhxry]

“best-laid plans sometimes r just a one night stand.” —lost stars

we make plans before we do things we care about, some of us even plan for everything even those that do not seem to matter. we count the steps it takes before we move, calculate the risks before actions in order to keep the goal clear and steady in the future. so we missed the adventures, we missed the fun of “not knowing whats coming next.” so every time when the thing wed planed didt work out, we fall deeper.

sometimes even the best-laid plans go wrong, we cant see the future, plans we made r just for being at ease. dont hold on anything u think that is a guarantee, just face to whatever comes next.

kinda sick of the font id been using since i started writing.

quick update, that girl n i havent talked today just like i expected. kinda a relief since we had only known each other for 2days from that insane beach n im moving abroad in 12days n now im sure we both were just playing, tho im def still gonna think about this brief story when im depressed for looking down on myself next time.

-20210901

[rhxry]

tho this was prob just another game to her n im not really taking this serious either, it still means a lot to me, cuz now i know im not just someone who nobody would be interested in.

-20210831

[rhxry]

tonight was like a movie that i never thought would happen to me. id never considered myself attractive, so i didnt think theres gonna be anyone having feelings for me before i tried to make them. but today i was like SO SHOCKED. imma talk bout this the other day perhaps.

-20210830

[rhxry]

“hey, youre not alone.”

-20210829