retrobutterflies

[retrobutterflies]

more billie fics plsss🙏

I’m plotting something for this week :) !

[retrobutterflies]

Heyy how r uu ?? I just wanted to say i read both of your billie fics and your writing !? like hello ?umm, im obsessed you’re so talented xx

Omg thank you that’s so sweet :’) I’m obsessed with you! I appreciate you so much!!

[retrobutterflies]

Cuteee <3 i love this so much

♱ EYES FOR YOU

requested <3

WARNINGS. tiny outburst, small argument, jealous!reader, and billie acting like a huge cornball.

SYPNOSIS. when you find a wide-spread video of your childhood best friend kissing another popular social media star, you find yourself growing jealous. however, billie seems to think you're a little out of your mind.

WORDS. 2.5k

LETTERS. wanted this fic to take a more gentle, fluffy route since i haven't been providing that much 🤍

music from billie's new album boomed in the background of the low-quality video, lights flashing of every color imaginable onto the stage that seemed to be crowded with more people than it would hold.

the most noticeable people were front and center—billie and quen, a friend of hers that you'd grown to like and enjoy hanging around.

billie walks in quen's direction, the quality fuzzy, but it's clear that billie grabs her chin and pulls her into a kiss—a quick one—but a kiss nonetheless. with their height difference, billie has to raise herself on her toes.

sure, the kiss doesn't last long, but when billie pulls away, her fingers are still grasping at quen's chin. then, billie moves away and she retracts her hand like nothing happened.

you can't seem to take your eyes off of your phone, the video playing on repeat as you just sit there and watch. it was some stupid tiktok taken last night while billie was at coachella to play her album that showed up on your feed—and it was getting to you a little more than you'd like to admit.

billie was your childhood best friend, and the bond that you and her grew throughout all these years never changed. your feelings—platonic, of course—never changed, not even when you two had arguments or disagreements. but then, when billie got together with her second boyfriend, something in your mind shifted.

and after she broke up with him, you were happier than ever. it was selfish of you, sure, but you couldn't help it. then, when billie started seeing another guy a few years later, you finally acknowledged your crush on the girl—but you never had the guts to tell her.

then she broke up with the boy, and you were happy again, like you had a chance at winning her heart. every time she broke up with one of her boyfriends, you were always there, comforting her with gentle words despite how overjoyed you were. you didn't understand how she never saw that you were the one for her.

so, when billie came to you with the confession that she liked girls as well, your hopes—as if you were gonna tell her anytime soon—skyrocketed. then word spread via an article, and the whole queer-baiting rumors started up again. when her album came out, and lunch was put out into the world, the feedback seemed both positive and negative.

billie's collab with charli was another big thing that was put out into the world not even 5 months later, and with the knowledge that billie was so open and proud about her sexuality, you somehow found yourself falling deeper in love with billie—your childhood best friend.

when your hopes were just starting to overflow and you were beginning to gain the courage to ask her out, this video was put onto your for you page. but this was not meant for you to see at all.

you weren't sure what came over you. in an instant, your phone was flying through the air and banging against the door of your bedroom. with a small clatter and the quietest cracks of glass, your phone falls onto the hardwood floors of your dimly-lit room, the only source of light being the evening sun shining through your blinds.

a quiet gasp was all you could react with because, quite frankly, you had no idea what you had just done. you throw your covers off your body, the cool air hitting your skin immediately. your feet tap against the wood beneath you as you scurry to grab your phone, eyes wide and filled with the tiniest flickers of terror.

the screen protector that billie had suggested sounded really useful right now. but, of course, you were always so stubborn.

you carefully grab the device, eyes tracing the little pieces of glass and plastic that surrounded it. you knew it was destroyed, but something in your head told you it wasn't. so, you flip it over, and fear quickly passes through your system. it shouldn't have been a surprise, but your phone was broken and you couldn't have been more frustrated.

to think this was all over a stupid video of billie kissing her friend was embarrassing, really, and it almost made you want to laugh just thinking about it. but nothing was funny because now your phone was broken and now—maybe—your best friend, crush, whatever she was, kissed a girl that wasn't you. but she was prettier than you, so you had no chance in the world anymore.

your mind is fuzzy, filling with so much anger and frustration that it feels like you might explode any second now. not even the stupidest person would be dumb enough to something like this: destroying their phone over some girl that they stood no chance with. a popular, liked world-wide, pretty girl.

dropping your phone and sitting against the wall beside your door did nothing to help your situation because when you blinked, your eyes gravitated to the calendar that was pinned above your bedside table—and, by some coincidence, tomorrow was the day billie began her temporary stay so that she could get the plumbing in her house fixed.

you were so fucked.

you only realized how much you regretted giving billie the spare key to your house when she showed up at the bright and early time of 8 am with a backpack slung over her shoulder and a couple of suitcases at her sides. the quiet thud of the front door closing isn't what woke you, not even the loud clatter of billie tripping and falling over her suitcases disrupted your peaceful slumber.

neither of you knew how or why, but the faint smell of billie's perfume when she carefully and quietly opened your door was the one thing that would never fail to wake you. your eyes snap open, and your heart clenches immediately as you sit up to see the exact person you dreaded meeting today. in an effort to seem presentable, though, you offer billie a sleepy, half-assed smile.

"good mornin'," she greets, lips tugging up into that smile you always loved but forced yourself to hate in this moment. it was not a good morning.

however, you rub your eyes and pull the covers closer to your body. you lower your hands back to your sides, twisting and tugging at the comforter nervously as you completely ignore her.

billie shrugs it off, brown locks cascading over her shoulders, a loose strand hanging over one lense of her glasses. she kicks her shoes off, placing them beside yours like she always did whenever she came over before she crawls onto the bed with a gentle smile on her face. her eyes are still drowsy with sleep, and you can tell she's still not over the high she got from coachella just a few days ago.

the thought alone makes you sick.

but you keep down your comments, keeping yourself calm with a few deep breaths. your eyes move back over to the open door, billie's bag and suitcases resting in the hallway, knocked over. you're so intent on your need for a distraction you don't even realize when billie snuggles under the covers and turns on her side to stare at you.

she notices your distracted state, eyes following yours to the hallway where her things were. she only giggles at the memory, "i'll get those in a bit. they fuckin' tripped me. unbelievable." she grumbles, shaking her head.

despite your nervous, ticked-off mood, you can't help but crack even the smallest smile at her ability to get mad at an object.

still, you don't utter a word, the only sounds coming from your throat being soft breaths and the quiet, fast thumping of your heart in your chest. you were sure billie heard it. or you were just paranoid and kept on your toes from the video you saw yesterday. you couldn't ignore the jealousy and frustration you felt even at the slightest indication of it.

at your silence, billie sits up, cocking an eyebrow and tilting her head in confusion like a dog, "hey, what's wrong?"

when your silence continues, billie can't help but come up with the idea that you're ignoring her. because that's exactly what you're doing, "did i do somethin'?" she asks, voice small. she sounded genuinely concerned.

she frowns when you still don't give her the reassurance or satisfaction of a clear answer. even a simple nod of the head would do it for her, but you don't even provide her with that comfort. her hands clench into fists, tucking her lower lip between her teeth because she didn't know what else to do.

her eyes flicker with worry as you exhale deeply, and she comes to the conclusion that you're mad. mad at her? but why? she didn't understand, but she wanted to. she really did because she couldn't stand the silent treatment. and you knew that.

"y/n," her voice shakes, lower lip beginning to quiver. billie really was just a big baby when it came to you, "seriously, you know how much i hate this shit." she murmurs, running her fingers through her hair and tugging softly whenever she gets to the ends, "y/n."

even at her vulnerable, sad state, you still don't let out a peep. you just sit and stare at the hallway, breathing in and out deeply, each breath coming out harder and faster. your heart felt like it'd beat out of your chest if it kept up with the pace it was at.

your own hands tug at the sheets, finally tearing your eyes away from the hall as you focus your attention on the white comforter again. you tried to ignore her, you really did, but with the way she was asking—almost begging—made you want to punch yourself because she was just so sweet.

"just tell me if i did something. i—i'll fix it, y/n, i promise i will." she whimpers. she whimpers and your walls break down completely.

"you kissed her, billie. at coachella," you blurt, tone hostile and sharp as you turn your entire body to face her, "you kissed her when it was so obvious that i like you." you scoff, and exasperated smile on your face.

she's taken aback by your confession, and the bewildered look on her face is laughable, but nothing seems to be very light or funny. she furrows her eyebrows, recollecting the events of the night a few days prior where she was on the stage with her friends.

a lot of videos seemed to circulate and get passed around all of social media that night. videos of billie grabbing her friends playfully and just being touchy per usual. the video that was most prominent, though, was the clip of her and her close friend, quen, kissing. it was obviously playful, anyone could see if they had two eyes and good vision.

and, plus, most of the internet passed it by as 'billie eilish and her best friend quen blackwell playing around,' so it came as a surprise whenever you looked at her as if awaiting an answer.

"it was quen, y/n, she's one of my closest friends. i was being a total goof the entire night, it was all just playful fun. i—you, sorry—you like me?" she stammers, the entire situation too much for her to wrap her head around so quickly.

it was all news to her. your confession, your accusation, everything.

"still, billie—it doesn't make any fucking sense." you retort, eyes wild.

she still tugs at her hair nervously, albeit knowing the reason for your silence, and begins to speak again, voice shaky, "it was just a dare odessa gave me, y/n. honest. quen thought it was out of the ordinary, too." billie explains.

"we were laughing at the videos on the ride back to our places. it was all just a misunderstanding," she breathes, eyes searching yours for any glimmer of hope or realization. when your eyes meet hers, she almost frowns because of how embarrassed you look.

instead, her hands reach out for yours, taking them in her own large ones adorned with the rings she forgot to take off the night prior. she gives you a reassuring smile, soft and genuine as her eyes dart between your lips and irises.

still, she catches the tiny glint of doubt in your eyes. so, she acknowledges your confession again, knowing that was the one thing that was bugging you, "i don't think anyone's more stupid than me for not realizing your feelings sooner. and after all these years? god, i feel like an idiot." she laughs.

her eyes never leave yours, showing just how serious and committed she is to the words that leave her mouth, "i really hope you more than just 'like' me because i love you."

your lips part in surprise, eyes widening even more if that was possible. your heart seemed to beat faster, and this time you were sure it'd beat out of your chest if you didn't calm down soon. her own confession was a huge smack in the face because she seemed to be really good at hiding it. so, it led you to think she was lying. just maybe.

when she saw the flicker of doubt was still there, though, she did the first thing she could think of. her face spoke for her as she gave you a, 'you think i'm kidding?' look, then her hands cupped your face and she kissed you and you almost passed out from the shock.

her lips molded against your so perfectly, fingers digging into your skin so gently it was like you were getting pulled in by nothing but the wind. her nose brushed yours as she pulled you closer, lips curling into a smile from the pride she got from finally making a move.

the feeling of her lips against your own was euphoric, like something you'd never felt before. it was a new high that would never be beat ever again because billie was surely about to take over your entire life after this. she'd become everything and all you'd think about.

she never wanted to pull away, but when her lungs demanded fresh air, she pulled away with hesitancy, lips parting to breath deeply, heavily. her eyes fluttered open, eyes flitting all across your face and taking a second to admire your each and every feature.

her tongue darts out to wet her lips before she speaks again, mind completely lost in nothing but you, "believe it now?" she teases lightly, challenging you even in the softest, most vulnerable moments of your relationship—a relationship that was definitely gonna become more than just friends.

her thumbs caress your cheeks, touch soft and sweet against your skin, "now you know i only have eyes for you." she whispers, smiling proudly.

your smile grows at her words, biting your lip as your eyes flit down to her own plump ones, "glad to finally know that."

"great. now can i kiss you again?"

TAGS. @mseilishmwah @sophloveswomen @mxqdii @livvydunneness @vyntagess @afteraftercare @wiidfi0wer33 @loving1dsworld @tan1shere @fallingforfalll2 @cierraonline @dandelions4us @scarlittt @ifwdominicfike @slxtarchive @stonerfromlesbos @bilsdillldough @47lake @hopingforgoodblogs @karaeilishh @mybluebossanova @sturnsmia @moralesluvr @justtr @greenbttrflyy

[retrobutterflies]

it's so ok girl keep up the amazing billie workkkk (im the one that asked about renee)

I have some things planned and some cute requests I want to get to!! But thank you for messaging, it’s a little sweet treat when I see a message in my inbox :)

[retrobutterflies]

do you write for renee rapp??? pls say yes ambrosia ruined me

I’m so sorry I don’t know much about her so I don’t think I would :’( although maybe I’ll watch the mean girls movie and change my mind lol

[retrobutterflies]

I’m in love with this. Pretty writing about pretty girls!!! <3

PAID IN FULL | billie eilish.

୧ ‧₊˚ when you forget your money at your drug deal with billie, she makes you offer up another payment method.

pairings & aus. drugdealer!billie eilish x fem!reader warnings. drugs...obviously | smut | switch!billie & switch!reader | i think thats it word count. 6.4k (i am so sorry)

the alley feels much colder tonight.

there’s a breeze that nips at your skin as you tug your sweater closer to your chest, although the cold air continues creeping underneath your flesh and settling there. you breathe out and it’s icy, a white cloud passing through your lips as your legs quickened, desperate to get off out the cold.

your shoes are scuffing underneath the chipped and imperfect pavement as you walk, your heart practically beating out your chest as anxiety swelled within you, because it was dark, for one, the opiate of winter falling over los angeles, and it was already night, despite it being only seven thirty.

you fumble your nimble fingers in your pockets to fish out a cigarette and a lighter, setting the cigarette ablaze and taking a puff as you walked, hair flowing wildly in the wind.

you shove your hands deeper in your pockets as you approach the end of the alley. it’s quiet and appears even darker to you, though it’s always been the same. a smell of smoke fills your nostrils and your eyes scan the empty, abandoned buildings, until your eyes land on her.

billie.

billie had been your dealer for a couple months now, and she was your favorite out of any that you’d ever had. she could be a little bitchy, and she had her moments, but she was always on time and reliable, and plus, always supplied you with good shit.

she was clad in a pair of sweatpants and a tank top, and your eyebrows furrowed at her nonchalance towards the icy cold. she was leaned up against a wall scrolling on her phone, a cigarette in her other hand as she looked up, locking eyes with you.

the only thing that illuminates the area now is the faint flicker of an old streetlight, which causes you to see billie wave you over with a slick smile, the faint curl of her lips greeting you without her saying a word first. you strut over to her quickly, and she places her hands in her pockets as she cocks her head to the side, “you’re a little late, princess.”

“i had to get gas.” you mangage, frigid fingers shaking slowly as you lifted your hand to take a drag of your cigarette, billie mimicking her actions. an obedient cloud of smoke leaves her lips as she quickly sucks it back in, and you roll your eyes at her, “show off.”

she doesn’t respond, she just drops her hand and leans up against the brick wall behind her, “so, you got the money? it’s thirty-five this time.”

you nod at billie and pull your wallet out from your purse that rests on your shoulders, opening it and expecting to see a two twenties laying there, but it’s completely empty.

your anxiety pumped through you as you shivered quietly, but not because of the cold. you could have sworn that you put the money in the wallet before you switched it out for your other one, but clearly, you were mistaken. but you’ve been hesitating too long, and billie’s eyebrow raises when you start tapping your pockets in a desperate attempt to find your cash.

billie’s eyes flicker over you, running a hand through her hair as she broke the silence, “what’s wrong, princess?”

“i….i forgot the money.” you murmured, your voice barely audible.

she pushes off the wall slowly, every movement deliberate and slow, like she’s wasting more time just to see you nervous. she echoes your statement, “forgot the money, huh?”

“yeah,” you mumble, avoiding her strong gaze. her eyes are low when she looks at you, and so dark that you can hardly tell they’re even blue anymore.

billie studies you for a moment, then jerks her head toward the corner of the building. she leaves fairly close by to your meeting spot, so she gestures to a street over, “c’mon, we’re not talking about this out here.”

you trail after her in silence, heart pounding with every step that you take, and you honestly feel like you might just throw up. she doesn’t talk to you the whole walk, she’s just quiet, apart from her humming a song or two every once and a while.

when you finally reach her place, your eyes catch how nice the exterior is. it’s all black and sleek, but with minimal windows. there’s two cars parked out front and you know that the black dodge is hers, but the hellcat— you’ve never seen that one before.

your eyes continue to scan the nature of her home after she unlocks the door without a word, pushing it open to reveal what’s inside.

the air’s thick, heavy with the smell of weed, there’s a the low hum of a tv in the background, although it hardly distracts you from the guy that’s sprawled out on her couch.

he’s counting money— stacks of it. his fingers move quick and methodical, flipping through the bills nonchalantly. there’s a faint sound of rap music that’s coming from his loud airpods, and he doesn’t even look up when you walk in.

billie tosses her keys onto the counter carelessly and finally breaks the silence that burdens you, but her words aren’t directed at you. her eyes land on the mysterious guy on the couch, “yo, go roll me a J real quick.”

“you could always say please,” he mocks, though he finishes off his last stack of money and places it neatly on the coffee table, rising from his spot and venturing into the kitchen.

now that you and billie are alone, your throat feels thick and it becomes difficult to swallow. never in life have you cheated billie or not given her a payment on time, and your heart races at the thought of your consequence.

she’s not the type to hurt you at all, and you know that. for months she’s called you her favorite customer, and she’ll slip little compliments to you here and there, but it isn’t often. you’ll catch her checking you out every once and a while, her eyes lingering on your tits too long or grazing your hand when she passes you your weed, you notice it all.

“so,” she drags out the vowel, twisting on your heel to look at you as you place your bag down on the hook next to the door. you’re standing awkwardly, and you don’t even realize that you’re holding your breath until she gets closer to you. “you really forgot the money, huh, princess?”

you nod stupidly, “yeah…i’m sorry bil, i can—“

“you know, princess,” she cuts you off, her voice soft and slightly teasing as her eyelashes flutter at you, “this isn’t exactly how business works, i know you know that. when you come to me, you bring me my shit, and i give you yours. not ‘tryna be a bitch, love. just how shit rolls. you understand?”

you nod quickly, heart pounding as you broke eye contact out of nervousness. you stare at your shoes, “i know, i know. i messed up. it won’t happen again—“

she cuts you off with a chuckle, leaning back onto a wall and crossing one foot in front of another, “oh, i know it won’t. but the thing is…” she pauses as you look up, her eyes locking with yours, “you still want what you came for, don’t you?”

you freeze, the weight of her words pressing against your chest. it seems like with every word exchanged between the two of you, she grows closer and closer to you. you gulp and you nod again, slower this time. “well…yeah.”

that makes billie shoot you a grin, so close now that the tip of your noses kiss. she looks up at you with those sultry eyes, making your skin feel hot as you returned eye contact.

“you know, i could just send you packing. but…” she tilts her head, her dark hair catching the dim light, “i think we can work something out.”

your breath catches as her gaze drops, trailing over you in a way that feels heavy, deliberate. she doesn’t say anything for a moment, letting the silence stretch just long enough to make your skin tingle. then, with a smirk that makes your stomach flip, she turns toward the hallway.

“come with me real quick,” she says over her shoulder, her tone casual but slick. she pauses for a moment when the guy from the couch hands billie a perfectly rolled joint.

you hesitate for a moment, glancing at the guy that now took his position back on the couch. he’s still counting money, not even sparing you a glance, mouthing the words to some song playing on his phone as billie began to walk. you take a shaky breath and follow her, your heart pounding louder with every step.

the hallway feels narrower than it should, her presence in front of you filling the space in a way that makes it hard to breathe. she leads you into a room at the end, the door creaking slightly as she pushes it open. her room is a chaotic mix of shadows and soft light, the faint smell of her perfume mingling with the lingering scent of weed.

she turns to face you, leaning back against the doorframe with her arms crossed. her smirk hasn’t faded, and her eyes stay locked on yours, her expression unreadable but knowing.

“so, princess,” she says, her voice dropping just slightly, “let’s talk about how you’re gonna make this up to me.”

you gulp silently as you eye billie, who’s leans up against her dresser, fishing for her lighter out of some drawer. her shirt is lifted slightly above her waistline, her belly button piercing and a tattoo sticking out, making your breath hitch.

she looked undeniably good, and when she stretched to her full height to look at you, she offered you a cocky smirk, “you got a staring problem?”

“i— no.” you shrug, trying to keep your cool as billie’s eyes lingered on you. she plopped on her bed and lit the joint, taking a long drag and sighing of relief, throwing her head back.

there’s a moment of silence between the two of you until she looks at you, taking another hit before speaking, “so, how you wanna do this, baby?”

you feel the air grow heavier much her question hanging in the space between you as you mindlessly stare at her. you can feel how stupid you look, and your mouth opens but no sound comes out.

billie’s gaze is fixed on you, a cloud smoke curling lazily around her plump lips as she exhales. her eyes narrow at you slightly, and her smirk sharp and cutting. she doesn’t say anything at first, letting the tension sit until it’s almost unbearable.

“…cat got your tongue?” billie drawls, tapping the ash from the joint into a tray on her nightstand. she settles further into her covers and sits with her legs crossed, “or are you just hoping i’ll let you slide?”

you clear your throat, shifting uncomfortably under her stare. you back up off the doorframe and rub your hands on your jeans nervously, palms incredibly sweaty. “i just… what do you mean?” you ask, playing dumb although you know damn well what she means.

billie snorts, a low, humorless sound, and shakes her head. she already knows that you’re playing stupid, and she sits up in seriousness and gives you stern eyes.

“don’t play dumb,” she says flatly, leaning back against the headboard, one leg bent while the other stretches out casually. “you came to me without cash, can’t just give my shit away, now can i? that’s not how this works. you know this, princess.”

your cheeks flush, the heat creeping up your neck as her words sink in. the pet names only continued to make your skin hot, and you shift your weight onto your left side, trying to mask the fact that all though you’re in pretty serious trouble with a literal drug dealer, it turned you on a little bit.

you force yourself to look at billie as she tilts her head at you, her smirk curling. “you’ve got nothing to say now?”

you swallow hard, fumbling for a response, billie she doesn’t give you the chance to even speak. she pats the space beside her on the bed, her voice dropping into a softer, almost mocking tone. “c’mere, princess. let’s figure this out, yeah?”

your legs feel like they’re moving on their own as you cross the room, every step making your pulse pound harder in your chest. her tattooed hand grazes your ass when you sit next to her, and your skin crawls out of nervousness when her hand doesn’t move, it just stays there.

billie doesn’t say anything at first. she just passes you the joint with her free hand, her fingers brushing yours deliberately and sending a jolt through you.

“take a hit,” she orders, her tone leaving no room for argument.

so you obey, inhaling deeply. the smoke burns your throat a little, but it’s soothing when the weed starts to take effect after a couple minutes pass.

you force yourself to keep it together, exhaling slowly as you take a few more hits of the joint. billie’s eyes don’t leave you the entire time, her usual smirk returning.

without much of a warning, she pulls you onto her lap with one swift movement, toying with the edge of your sweater as she teases the skin of your abdomen.

“such a good girl,” she murmurs, but there’s an edge to her voice, like she’s amused by how easy you are to control, how easy you are to get so worked up.

your breath hitches as her hand brushes against your thigh, her touch light but deliberate. you feel like you’re nearly overheating now, your skin tingling as she tickles the flesh of your back with her nails.

“you sure about this?” billie asks, her voice low, though her tone inquires if you’re going to back out— almost like she’s daring you to.

deep down, you didn’t really want to back out. she looked so good right now, and you were a high horny mess that desperately just needed some type of relief.

so you nod in agreement, your breath catching as her fingers trail up your arm now, and to your neck. billie doesn’t wait for a second confirmation from you— she doesn’t need to. instead, she closes the distance between the both of you, her lips brushing the corner of your jaw before pulling back just enough to meet your gaze again.

billie’s teasing you, and it only makes the pool in your panties even wetter as she messes with the string of your thong that pokes out from your low rise jeans.

“good,” she whispers, her smirk widening as she shifts closer, her intentions crystal clear as your high further sets in slowly.

the air feels thicker now, every second stretching out as you sink deeper into the haze of your high. billie’s presence is overwhelming, her sharp gaze fixed on you, unrelenting, and you hate the fact that she’s so good at eye contact. it’s like it has no affect on her, but for you, it flusters you like no other.

she tilts her head slightly, taking another slow drag from the joint before letting the smoke curl out between her lips. her smirk sharpens, cutting through the silence.

“you’re high?” she asks you, and she obviously is because of how red her eyes are, and because of how gentle her voice is. it’s still strong and seductive, her usual nature prominent, but laced with something sweet, something warm.

you nod slowly at her, your throat dry as you manage to murmur, “yeah.” the word comes out soft, barely audible, but you know she heard it. she smiled at you, her eyes never leaving yours as she closed her eyes for a second.

billie leans back against the headboard with her eyes shut, like she’s got all the time in the world to do whatever she wants. and she does, it’s all about her right now— but you don’t hate it. a part of you is subtly glad that you forgot the money.

you didn’t have a crush on billie, but what you did know is that she was fine as fuck, and that she was much nicer and more caring than all of your other dealers. she wasn’t just someone who sold you weed, she’d call you and check up on you, or invite you out to get together just for a smoke. you though the relations were a little too intimate just for business, but it never bothered you.

you watch as billie’s eyes flutter open, her thumb brushing small circles over your skin. “you look good like this….you’re so pretty.”

her voice is soft and alluring, making a gentle smile creep up onto your face as you press yourself against her chest. you can’t think of anything to say back, can’t focus on anything except the way her fingers linger on your leg. the haze of the high makes it harder to push back the nervous excitement thrumming through your chest, and the feeling of boldness hits you hard.

“you’re too quiet,” she mutters, her voice quieter than usual. her arms snake around your waist as she pulls you closer, her embrace making your skin tingle from the sensitivity that the weed brings. she’s so pretty— pink lips formed in a natural pout, her long eyelashes fluttering against her freckled cheeks— it’s so fucking hard not to kiss her.

you don’t say anything to her, mainly out of fear that you’ll say something stupid. your heart is pounding too loud, the mix of her touch and the high making everything feel like it’s way too much. billie cocks her head to the side at your silence, leaning in just enough for you to catch the faint scent of her woody perfume mingling with the smell of smoke.

“i wanna kiss you.” she murmurs honestly, her voice soft but commanding. it’s more like an order than an expression of her wants, and by the look on her face, she already knows you’ll do what she says.

before you can overthink it, her lips are on yours, firm and unrelenting. the kiss hits you like a spark to dry wood, lighting you up from the inside out. her arms travel from your back to your waist, one ring-clad hand coming up to hold your face. pulling you closer as her other hand slides up to your neck, billie’s fingers curl lightly around your jaw to tilt your face just the way she likes it.

she tastes like smoke and something sweet, and the contrast is dizzying. her lips move against yours with a rough kind of precision, like she’s in total control, like she’s been waiting for this. when her teeth graze your bottom lip, a soft gasp escapes you, and she smirks into the kiss, the curve of her mouth cocky and knowing.

“always been such a good listener,” she mutters against your lips, her voice low and dragged. you open your mouth to respond, but she doesn’t allow you to, her lips smashing back onto yours. it’s a little slower this time, more deliberate, like she’s savoring the moment. it’s all her high— the way she moves, touched you, it’s much more relaxed and gentle than usual, though her lips are unrelenting.

her fingers find themselves tangled in your hair, tugging just enough to make your breath hitch, and she takes advantage of it, deepening the kiss. all you can feel is her— her hands on you, her mouth moving against yours, her presence wrapping around you like a vice.

when she finally pulls back, her forehead rests against yours, her breath mingling with yours as you both catch up. her eyes flicker at you. there’s something different about them, they’re so much bigger and doe-like, and she whispers quietly to you, “i want you.”

“me?” you ask stupidly, but it’s a genuine question. sure, billie would flirt with you from time to time, but you didn’t expect her to be so bold about it. you could always tell when she was nervous because she’d beat around the bush or get really quiet, and this sudden confidence shocked you.

billie nods, “want you so bad, baby…i want you to touch me.”

the moment stretches between you, her breath warm against your skin, her forehead still pressed gently to yours. you can see every detail of her face, every freckle and every flicker of emotion in her eyes. they’re impossibly wide, soft now, like she’s peeled back something that’s always been unseen. her vulnerability leaves you with no words, and you’re not sure what to say, because this kind of thing was always so rare.

you swallow hard, your voice barely above a whisper as you manage to say, “okay.”

billie’s lips curve into the smallest smile, and before she can say anything, you close the gap, your lips brushing hers again. this time it’s softer, slower, like you’re both exploring the moment. her hands slide up to your neck, her fingers threading gently through your hair as she melts into you, her earlier confidence giving way to something more delicate.

when you finally pull back, her eyes stay closed for a moment, her lashes brushing her cheeks. you study her face, the way she looks almost shy now, and it makes your heart ache in the best way. you take a steadying breath, your fingers brushing her cheek, and you ask softly, “what do you want me to do, billie?”

her eyes flutter open at the question, and her lips part like she’s surprised you’d even ask. she hesitates for a beat, her gaze darting away before finding yours again. “just… be gentle,” she whispers, her voice barely audible, like she’s sharing a secret she’s never told anyone.

your chest tightens at the sincerity in her tone, the way her usual bravado has faded into something so unguarded. “always,” you promise softly, brushing a stray strand of hair away from her face.

the way you kiss her, it’s soft and telling, and so very sweet. you’re are quick as your hands travel to the hem of her tank top, kneading at her skin through the fabric as she falls victim to your touch.

you break the kiss, lips still lingering on hers as you ask her, pulling at the hem of her shirt, “can i…take this off?”

“yeah.” billie says in an obvious, bouncy tone, making the both of you giggle against each other as you kiss her again. it’s more intense this time, it’s hungry and vulnerable and messy when your lips part, allowing billie’s tongue to shyly intertwine with yours.

your fingers slip underneath her tank top and wrap themselves around her bare nipple, relishing in the pretty noises she makes as you do so. she pulls you closer to her out of desperation, little moans and whines escaping her lips as she clings to you like she needs you.

although it kills you to do so, you pull back from billie’s lips and give her calm, yet passive eyes. your high is at its peak now, your confidence grown as you grab the hem of billie’s tank, pulling it up and over her head in one swift motion.

you don’t talk, because there isn’t much to say. you just turn your head to kiss billie’s cheek, the little buds of affection traveling from her face to her neck, to her shoulders and tits, which makes her let out a satisfied moan. your hand comes up to toy with her right breast as your lips latch onto her left one, her hands finding themselves in your hair, showing you how good you make her feel.

“keep…going…please,” billie murmurs gently, a sigh of satisfaction hidden in her tone, “feels s’good, my god.”

you adhere to her request, and very well at that— your movements not ceasing as you look up at her, eyes red and intoxicating.

by the way she’s looking, tits out, head thrown back with sweet moans filling the silent space, it’s impossible for you not to cum right then and there. it feels so much more amplified than usual, your skin literally tingling with every moan that fills your ears.

you finally move lower and lower until your chin rests on the waistband of billie’s sweatpants, toying with them with your fingertips.

“this okay, bils?” you ask for confirmation, eyes flickering up at her, “i wanna take care of you…wanna tell you how sorry i am for forgetting my money.”

“s’okay, just fucking touch me already.” billie orders, her lips quirking into a small smile, but it’s not cocky or teasing—it’s real, like she’s ready for whatever you have to give.

you slide her sweatpants down with a swift motion, cold air channeling goosebumps all over the girls skin.

something clicks in you. you don’t know what, but it’s hungry and eager, and your impatience does nothing but grows, and grows quickly. so you pull billie’s navy blue panties to the side, exposing her pretty pink cunt, making your own grow even wetter, if at all possible.

“so pretty,” you coo, leaning closer to where your nose rests on her clit, “gonna make you feel so good, you know that? just sit and relax, i wanna give you a real good apology.”

she does nothing but nod, and you place two of your fingers in your mouth to lubricate them before placing them in billie’s pussy, the wetness coating your digits with ease as you curled your fingertips. you stop for a second, and when she gives you a look of confirmation— you can’t stop yourself. she looks so gorgeous in front of you, pussy swallowing your fingers whole as she bucked her hips into the air, “f-fuck…y/n! please…keep…k-keep going…”

“oh, billie…” you hum, fingers relentless as you thrust harder into her cunt, “see how sorry i am yet? i would say it won’t happen again…but i kind of like seeing you like this, you look so fuckin’ good. do you feel good, too? hm, baby?”

“mhm.” billie hums, eyes fixated on you as your tongue grazed her clit, making her gasp. your movements are slow, fingertips gently pressing against that sweet spot inside of her, her moans growing louder as her back lifted off of the covers.

you kissed her clit repeatedly, taking the bud in your mouth to suckle on it. your free hand rubs a sensitive spot on her thigh, making billie’s moans amplify as pleasure coursed through her body. and since getting her off makes you get off, your skin tingles as you moan into her pussy.

“doing….s’good, for….me….” you murmur in between pecks, “you gonna cum, bils? that’s all i want…just wanna make you feel good.”

“close.” are the only words that come out of her mouth, repeated like a broken record as you feel her tighten around you.

you’re a little dizzy from the high which makes the both of you giggle, breaking a little tense energy from everything, which makes you smile. billie’s laughs are immediately halted when your fingers quicken, the only sounds filling the air being wet and filthy, accompanied by the both of your moans.

“i’m— i’m right there…please! i’m gonna—!” billie yelps as you coo at her, little praises slipping past your lips as you feel her cunt flutter around your fingers. you don’t stop, you just slow down your movements linearly and kiss at her thighs, helping her through her release.

“such a good girl…bils,” you speak softly, “just showin’ you how sorry i am…”

she looks up at you, and for the first time, you see tears shining in her eyes. you’ve never seen her cry— and it’s a contrasting level of intimacy from the one before as she blinks them away quickly, shaking her head with a nervous laugh. “that was fuckin’…” she mutters, “so good.”

“well, i’m just giving back what you give me,” you say softly with a laugh, “for this free high.”

the air becomes thick with tension for a second. you rest your head on billie’s thigh and draw lazy circles on the skin as she finally speaks up, her hands finding themselves toying with your hair gently, “can i ask you something?”

“mhm.” you hum, eyes closing as you rest your idle hand against her thigh.

billie takes in a deep breath, “i know this was all supposed to be because you didn’t pay but…”

“but?”

she’s quiet now. you can tell she’s a little nervous, so you roll your neck to the side to look up at her, lips contorting into a shit-eating grin. confidence was oozing out of you, glossed over your eyes and shining through your skin, but you didn’t mind. you wanted her, you needed her, and that was the only thing fueling every statement that came out of your mouth.

“you wanna fuck me, don’t you?” you giggle, sitting up now, “s’okay, billie. just touch me, and consider it another payment for next time i buy.”

“god,” she mewls, her hands taking home on your waist as she pulled you underneath her, immediately unfastening the button on your jeans with a smirk, “couldn’t hide it much longer, princess….i need you so badly.”

“but what about the paym—“

“fuck the payment.” is all she says, practically ripping your jeans off as her eyes met with your lacy thong, making her smile in satisfaction. she immediately slides them off after appreciating their beauty, your pussy on display for her as she realizes that your inner thighs are completely coated in your slick.

“what’s got you worked up, mama?” she asks you, wasting absolutely no time as she presses two nimble fingers inside your cunt, disregarding the fact that she’s still got rings on, the cool metal making your skin tingle, “does fuckin’ your drug dealer turn you on? hm?”

as you find the words to respond, billie’s tongue finds its way inside your pussy, replacing the fingers that now rub tight circles along your clit. a loud gasp leaves your lips as your fists find themselves in billie’s sheets, pressure already building up in your abdomen as she fucks you with her fingers, hard.

“you better answer me, or i’ll stop.” she almost laughs at you, but you can tell she’s bluffing because she does nothing but thrust into you harder, making you bite your lip to fight your moans.

words never come no matter how hard you try, and billie rips away your pleasure so abruptly that it makes you whine slowly. but what makes your eyes go wide is when she stands up without saying anything, digging into her drawer like she’s looking for something.

it’s scary that you don’t know what until she turns around, gasping audibly when you see her strap in one hand, and a vibrator in the other.

you weren’t sure what had taken over her from the past hour that you and her were alone, but it wasn’t like you could back out now. you needed her bad, and plus, this was your ultimate payment, right?

“get up.” billie orders at you, doing her last adjustments on the strap before making her way back over to your lonesome spot on her bed, the fabric below you a little wet from where you sat. you wait until she lays down on the bed as she pulls you on top of her, wasting no time to have you sink onto the faux cock.

you winced at the sudden stretch, and billie hands you the pretty pink vibrator with soft doe eyes, “you okay? say the word and i’ll stop.”

and when you tell her that it’s fine, and that you’re okay, her nails dig into your hips, her other hand steadying the vibrator onto your clit as she turns it on.

your face contorts in pleasure as billie bids you a kiss to the forehead, your whole body shaking against hers as you place your arms on her thighs to steady your weight. your high plus the fullness of the strap makes you feel like you’re in a haze, eyes fluttering open and closed sporadically, bending at the roots due to how harsh you blink.

“feels good, huh?” billie giggles, slurring her words a little as her wrist flicks to find that sweet spot on your clit, the vibrator seesawing back and forth, the satisfaction summoning a warm feeling to blossom against your skin.

“so good.” you whine out, succumbing to billie’s touch as her hips rock into yours, your walls tightening around the strap. she grabs your chin and taps your cheek with her red-tinted fingernails, tutting at you, “tsk tsk, baby, look at me. you can do it, i know you can.”

you let out coos out pleasure when you force your eyes open, and billie smiles at your eagerness to satisfy her. she kisses you as a reward, bitting your lip to prompt a moan out of you before pressing a button on the toy slickly, its intensity rising as you gasp.

“fuck!” you seethe through gritted teeth, bubbles of pleasure erupting in your abdomen as you felt your skin grow hotter and hotter. billie squeezes your ass, flashing you a pretty white smile, though there’s nothing comforting about it. she talks to you like you’re pathetic for hardly holding out this long, needy and desperate as you fuck yourself against the strap.

“gonna cum for me already, baby? you look so desperate to, i know you wanna— just look at you.”

little ‘yes’s pass through your lips as your gasps get louder and louder, broken chunks of billie’s name echoing throughout her dim bedroom, your orgasm on the forefront of your mind as your hips sway against her with desperation.

“billie—“

“it’s okay, princess,” she coos at you, grabbing a fistful of your hair to pull you closer to her, lips littering against your shoulders, “cum for me baby, it’s alright, i’ve got you.”

at her command, a wave of pleasure washes over you, your arousal glistening against the strap as you whine, sensitivity spreading to every part of your body as you cum hard. billie’s thrusts slow exponentially with regard for how delicate you are. she cradles you like a precious thing, whispering sweet nothings to do about what a good girl you are, stroking your hair and kissing your cheeks intimately.

when the stars finally come down and your eyes can focus again, you lay against billie’s bare chest with your own, completely nude with her skin grazing yours. you don’t even remember getting cleaned up and slipping underneath the covers, but you try to focus on your breathing as billie’s hands find yours.

for a long moment, neither of you speak, the only sound the soft rhythm of your breaths evening out, matching each other’s. her fingers trail absentmindedly along your arm, tracing invisible shapes that send small shivers across your skin. you tilt your head to look at her, and her eyes meet yours, still soft and a little hazy, but clear enough to hold an expression you can’t quite decipher.

“you okay?” billie’s voice is quiet and she’s got a sparkle in her eyes, her usual cocky tone replaced with something gentler and a little more vulnerable.

you nod, brushing a hand lightly over her arm. “yeah… you?”

she hesitates, her fingers pausing mid-trace against your skin before she nods. “yeah,” she says softly, then bites her lip like she’s holding back something that strikes you as confidential.

you shift slightly, turning to face her more fully, kissing her shoulder before looking up at her, your voice quiet but insistent. “billie?”

her eyes flicker to yours, and for a moment, she looks nervous, like she’s trying to decide whether or not to say what’s on her mind. finally, she sighs, her fingers resuming their absent tracing on your arm.

“this… it’s not just business to me,” she admits, her voice barely above a whisper. “it never has been. you’re fucking beautiful, and so sweet…and i…”

she pauses for a second, and your heart skips at her words, and you reach out to brush a strand of loose hair away from her face.

“it’s not just…business to me either,” you say softly, your voice steady despite the way your chest feels like it’s about to burst. “you mean more to me than that, billie. i just didn’t say anything…”

billie lets out a soft, disbelieving laugh, shaking her head. “you kept this shit a secret for this long?” she mutters, her cheeks flushing. “i know i have too, but you always seemed more confrontational than i am.”

you look at her, your thumb brushing lightly over her cheek as your eyebrows raise, “me? confront you? today i forgot my money and i thought you were gonna fuckin’ shoot me, not fuck me. i didn’t know you even saw me in that way.”

her eyes search yours, and for a moment, she looks like she doesn’t quite believe you. she always thought you would say something first if any feelings arise, and that’s what kept her quiet. but then her lips twitch into a small, genuine smile, one that makes your lips mimic hers, and she runs her thumb over your cheek. she then leans in to press a gentle kiss to your forehead, lingering there for a moment before pulling back to look at you again. “i don’t want this to be a one-time thing,” she says quietly, her voice trembling slightly. “i want you. not just for tonight, not just for… deals. i want all of you.”

your chest swells at her confession, and you reach out to take her hand, lacing your fingers with hers with a smile. “you have me. i don’t want anyone else but you.”

her breath hitches, and for a moment, she looks like she might cry, but she blinks it away, squeezing your hand tightly. “good,” she whispers, her voice so soft it’s almost lost in the stillness of the room.

you smile, leaning in to kiss her softly, letting the moment linger as a comfortable silence falls over the both of you like a blanket. you giggle against her chest, and she gives you an inquisitive look as you glance up at her,

“so…do i get free shit now?”

send me an ask to be added to my taglist!

taglist: @vharperr | @47lake

[retrobutterflies]

Cuteee <3

truth or dare | b.e

The clock on the wall ticked past 11:30 PM as Billie was walking towards me with takis and drinks and then lounged on the carpeted floor of her living room, legs crossed, her oversized hoodie swallowing her frame. The glow of the fireplace danced on her face, casting shadows that made her jade-green eyes seem almost liquid. She leaned back on her hands and grinned, the mischievous curve of her lips sending a thrill through you.

"Alright," Billie said, her voice low and teasing, "your turn. Truth or dare?"

You tucked your legs beneath you on the couch, clutching the soft throw blanket tighter. Spending the night at Billie’s house still felt a bit surreal. She’d invited you over after your casual coffee meetup had stretched into hours of laughter and easy conversation. One thing led to another, and here you were, in her living room, playing a game that had suddenly taken on a dangerous edge.

"Truth," you said, hoping to keep things safe. The way Billie’s gaze lingered on you made your skin tingle.

She tilted her head, her silver chains catching the light. "Hmm, let me think..." Her pause felt deliberate, like she was savoring the tension. Finally, she asked, "Who was your first crush?"

You bit your lip, warmth creeping into your cheeks. "Uh, I think it was this girl in middle school. She used to sit next to me in art class. She had these bright blue glasses and the cutest laugh." You peeked at Billie, trying to gauge her reaction.

Her grin widened. "Cute. So you’ve always been into girls?"

You nodded, your heart racing. There was something about the way Billie’s voice softened, something unspoken but electric hanging in the air.

"Your turn," she prompted, leaning forward. The movement brought her closer to you, her scent—a mix of vanilla and something woodsy—filling your senses.

"Okay," you said, trying to focus. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare," she replied instantly, a spark of challenge in her eyes.

You hesitated, your mind scrambling for something that wouldn’t seem too tame or too bold. Finally, you said, "I dare you to... tell me a secret. Something you’ve never told anyone."

Billie’s brows lifted, and she gave a low chuckle. "That’s sneaky. But okay." She sat back, her gaze locking onto yours, suddenly serious. "Sometimes, I wish I could just disappear for a while. Not in a bad way," she added quickly, seeing your expression. "Just... you know, step away from all the noise."

You nodded, understanding more than you could say. "That’s not weird. Everyone needs a break sometimes."

She smiled softly, and the vulnerable moment lingered between you, unspoken but deeply felt. Then her expression shifted, playful again. "Your turn. Truth or dare?"

Feeling bolder, you said, "Dare."

Billie’s eyes sparkled, and she leaned even closer, so close that you could feel the heat radiating from her skin. "I dare you to kiss me."

Your breath caught. You searched her face for a sign that she was joking, but all you saw was open anticipation. The crackling fire seemed impossibly loud in the silence that stretched between you.

Slowly, you leaned forward, the blanket slipping from your shoulders. Billie met you halfway, her lips brushing yours in a kiss that was soft, tentative—at least at first. Then her hand cupped the back of your neck, and the kiss deepened, sending a rush of warmth through your entire body. Her thumb traced the edge of your jaw, making your skin hum with awareness.

When you finally pulled back, her face was still close to yours, her lips curved in a small, satisfied smile. “Was that so bad?” she teased, her voice huskier than before.

You shook your head, unable to form words. Your heart was racing, your mind a whirl of emotions.

“Good,” Billie murmured, her fingers lingering on your skin. “Because I might have to dare you to do it again.” she says it in a playful tone.

[retrobutterflies]

Hii omg i loved that billie fic so muchh, and i was wondering if u can make one about what happened between them that one night? xxx🩷

I was literally already writing this hahaha. Love the way you think <3 Posted it just for you :)

Nectar

[retrobutterflies]

Nectar | billie eilish

Billie Eilish x Female!Reader

Summary: You both admit the extent of your feelings between soft teasing and pretty kisses.

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: Sickening, cotton candy fluff

Part I

A/N: A silly little addendum to Ambrosia.

“You look tired.” 

It took you a moment to acknowledge her words, her voice a low melody, lips brushing the curve of your ear. Your eyes had been blinking slowly, feeling the weight of sleep lulling at you for the past half hour but you were fighting to keep them open, determined not to let yourself fall asleep for fear that you would wake up and realize it had all been some sort of cruel dream. 

“I can stay up,” you replied, swallowing back a yawn that was creeping up your throat. 

Her eyes narrowed at you, scanning around your face. The room was dim, the only light coming from your desk lamp and the moonlight seeping in through the window but her eyes had no trouble admiring the contours of your face.

“Your eyes are drooping,” she said, the corners of her mouth ticking up in amusement as a pout formed on your lips.

“My eyes don’t droop,” you argued, meeting her gaze. 

“No?” Her smirk widened. 

She reached her hand up to smooth her thumb between your eyebrows, dragging over your brow bone and then the other one, melting away the tension that lingered on your face. You hummed, eyes fluttering closed at the affection. She let out a soft chuckle before you felt her lips press softly into the plush of your cheek.

“Come on, at least let’s get ready for bed?” she suggested and you opened your eyes to see hers still analyzing your face, her desire to care for you seeming more and more blatant that you were surprised you hadn’t noticed it before.

With a conceding nod, she shifted you softly off of her, standing up and pulling you up along with her. She went to rummage in your dresser for something to sleep in and you opened your door to peak out into the hallway to see if the bathroom was free. You heard your roommate shout in fear as a scream erupted distantly from the TV and you grimaced at the sudden noise puncturing the bubble of peace you had created in your room.

You turned to see Billie already moving to pull her shirt off and you turned back around quickly, shutting the door.

“You didn’t want to give me a warning?” You huffed, embarrassment seeping into you. You had seen her in a bathing suit before and on those sweltering summer nights where wearing anything more than shorts and a cami was too hot, but for some reason seeing a sliver of her torso now in the soft glow of your bedside lamp was enough to make a ferocious blush arise on your cheeks.

“I can give you a show if you want,” she bit back and you could hear the grin in her voice.

“Billie,” you whined, somewhat breathless, fighting the urge to turn around and glare at her. She let out a laugh.

“Okay, I’m done,” she said. You turned around and felt your heart squeeze.

Black sweatpants that pooled by her ankles and a large dark T-shirt that practically engulfed her whole. They were her clothes that she had left there, kept there for when she usually stayed over, and they stayed in the designated drawer of your dresser that only she was allowed to use. And you felt the soft creep of a blush crawl up your neck at the sight of her and the fact that you really couldn’t believe how blind you had been. 

“What?” she asked, her voice breaking you from your spell and you hoped she couldn’t see how hot your cheeks suddenly felt.

“Nothing,” you said back, a hint too quickly. She was already smirking again, her eyes charged with delight and mirth and a third emotion you couldn’t find the words to describe.

You opened up the top drawer of your dresser to pull out your own clothes but you could feel her heavy gaze on the side of your face. You turned to face her, clothes bunched in your hands, flush rising on your cheeks.

“I need to change,” you said, biting the inside of your cheek as you met her eyes.

She quirked an eyebrow, sly smile pulling at her pink lips.

“Do I have to turn around?” she asked and you felt silly with how bashful you suddenly felt even though barely a few minutes ago you were all over her.

“Yes,” you replied and she scrunched up her nose.

“Why?” She was practically pouting and you were starting to grow worried at how the rest of the night would go if every little thing she did had your insides setting ablaze. “We’ve always changed in front of each other.”

“Because it’s different now,” you said and she couldn’t hold back the playful roll of her eyes.

“Why, because I’m your girlfriend?” she said and you felt the wind get knocked out of your chest for a moment.

Girlfriend? Were you girlfriends now? It hadn’t even crossed your mind that this was the next step. You had just assumed after your month of panic and self-isolation that she would reject you once she finally realized why you had been acting so strange. It hadn’t crossed your mind that she would reciprocate your feelings and then want to turn your friendship into something more. 

“Are you?” you breathed, blinking owlishly at her. She blinked back at you and let out a breathy chuckle.

“Well we just confessed our love for each other . . .” she trailed off, as if suddenly realizing she might’ve jumped the gun. 

“I mean, if you’re not comfortable I totally understand. Sorry, I just, my mind is kinda moving a mile a minute right now,” she let out a sheepish laugh, moving her hand up to rub the side of her face.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, “That was fast. I wasn’t even thinking,” her words were quick, mashed together in a mix of embarrassment and panic. 

“We can just, um, see how it goes?” she winced at her own words, looking like she regretted them instantly. Her hand moved over her jaw and she let out a quiet exhale of frustration.

You didn’t mean to be silent for so long or make her squirm but you were taken aback. Billie had been your friend for years. You had watched her date and fall in love and break up and mess around and date again. It was nearly impossible for people around her not to fall in love with her. But you? Billie dating you? Wanting to date you? Wanting to stop dating other people?

“I thought . . .” you struggled to find the words, “you didn’t want a serious relationship anymore?”

She grimaced at your words, her tongue poking the side of her cheek as she stared at you. She nodded and then dropped her head into her hands, groaning as she rubbed her palms into her eyes.

“That’s because you guys kept trying to set me up with people,” she confessed. She pulled her face back up, nose scrunched.

“Oh,” you murmured, eyebrows pulling together, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize . . .” you trailed off.

She looked up at you, meeting your eyes and let out a sigh.

“No, it’s not–You didn’t do anything wrong,” she puffed out her cheeks that were starting to color a soft rose. She let out another sigh.

“It’s just, I didn’t want to date anyone–,” she started, her eyes now holding yours. The light of the moon was shining through the window, illuminating her eyes so they flashed a cold azure. You could feel her unsaid words in the air, your breath stalling in your chest as you waited for her to continue, “except you.”

She had already confessed to loving you when she couldn’t bare to separate her lips from yours but hearing this confession, the depth of her admiration, had your insides swirling.

“You stopped dating . . . because of me?” you asked, wide eyed as you stared at her.

“Yeah,” she let out a sheepish chuckle, “I mean, I tried to get over you. But you kinda . . . messed me up.”

“I messed you up?” you gasped, an airy, incredulous laugh leaving your lips as you blinked at her.

“Dude, I literally–,” she let out another groan, rubbing her face again, “You don’t get it. I’m literally so obsessed with you I couldn’t even pretend to like someone else.”

“You’re kidding,” you replied, a smile creeping onto your face as you gaped at her.

“I wish I was,” she huffed.

“No, wait, because what about a couple of weeks ago, at that party on Sinclair? You left with that girl?” you questioned, narrowing your eyes at her.

“What girl?” she cocked her head.

“The one with the long dark hair and she had that cool new Coach bag I’ve been wanting and she was flirting with you all night and you seemed more than happy flirting back and then you left together. I watched you,” you said, moving your arms to cross over your chest. 

She blinked at you. Then she let out a musical laugh.

“Jordan?” she questioned, incredulously. 

“I don’t need to know her name,” you huffed, wrinkling your nose at her. She laughed again, taking a step closer to you. 

“Oh my god, you’re insane,” she muttered, but her lips were pulling into a grin and she seemed pleased at the sudden jealousy radiating off of you.

“Wow, you really know how to compliment a girl,” you snipped back and she laughed again, stepping closer until you could smell the soft swirls of her perfume.

“It’s because you are. You’re so out of touch from reality I’m genuinely shocked,” she said and you gasped at her.

“You are digging yourself a hole,” you grumbled, glaring at her grinning face but she persisted.

“Jordan is a friend who is straight and has a boyfriend,” she emphasized for good measure, “And she was giving me advice about you because you were ignoring me.”

You stared at her, mulling over her words and trying to reel in your jealousy but your mind flashed back to that party and Jordan putting her hand on Billie’s arm as she led them out of the door. 

“But you left with her.”

“No, her boyfriend and some of his friends were hanging outside so we went to get some fresh air. I never left. But when I came back in, you, however, did.”

You winced at her words. You had left shortly after that because the thought of Billie bringing another girl home made you feel so nauseous you thought you were going to puke all over that 2000s Tuscan kitchen.

“Oh,” you mumbled, “I didn’t realize.”

“You were jealous,” she said, almost gleefully, her smirk deepening.

You rolled your eyes, trying to stop the smile pulling at the corners of your mouth.

“Hardly,” you replied, tasting the lie on your tongue. She grinned further.

“You’re practically green,” she said and stepped close enough that you could lightly swat her arm.

“Stop,” you groaned, moving your hands to cover your face. She reached her hands out to wrap them around your wrists, softly tugging them away from your face.

“You look like the Grinch,” she added.

“Billie!”

Before you could protest further, her lips were on yours, soft and warm. Her hands were wrapped around your wrists, tugging them into her chest so she could pull you closer. Your eyes fluttered closed and you let out a dazed breath in between her ardent kisses. Your body relaxed, leaning into her touch, soaking in her affection like a flower to the sun. She smiled against your lips and then she pulled back to admire your flushed face, biting her lower lip as her eyes darted around your face.

“You’re cute when you’re jealous,” she mused, her words soothing her earlier teasing. “But you have no reason to be. I promise.”

You hummed in response, eyes flickering back to her lips before you were leaning in again. She kissed you back eagerly, hands moving from your wrists to wrap around your back, tugging you in closer. Your arms snaked around her neck, leaning your weight into her. Her lips were inebriating, moving against yours in a delicate dance that had your head feeling like TV static. One of your hands burrowed in her hair, silky strands curling around your fingers. She sighed in contentment, her breath fanning over your face, catching your lips quickly again like you would disappear if she wasn’t careful.

Slowly, your kisses softened, each one dragging out longer and longer until you were both catching your breath and she was pressing her forehead against yours.

“I would though,” she said, her voice rasping as she broke the silence, “like you to be my girlfriend. If you want.”

Your cheeks burned like fire and your stomach felt like a butterfly vivarium. You moved your hand up to cup her cheek, pulling away so you could look at her properly. Your eyes flickered between hers, seeing the sincerity and vulnerability reflecting in her glass eyes. 

“I would like that too,” you murmured. She pressed her cheek into your hand before turning her head to touch her lips to your palm.

You stayed like that for a moment, soaking in the fresh feelings, her eyes holding yours before she was leaning in and pressing a kiss to your cheek, and then another, and then eight more until she was content. And you couldn’t wipe the smile off of your face even if you tried.

It took everything in you to separate from her but you could see her eyes now starting to blink sleepily at you and you knew after your emotional evening you were both close to crashing.

You went to the bathroom to change your clothes, hurrying through your night routine. When you returned to the room, she was stretched on your bed, hair dangling off the side as she stared up at the ceiling seemingly lost in thought. Your heart squeezed at the sight. You had missed her making herself comfortable in your room like it was her second home. It had been painful not having her here and pretending like you were okay without her but seeing her there, as if the past month hadn’t happened, made you feel a sense of relief you didn’t realize you needed.

When she noticed you were done, she pulled herself off the bed and took a few steps towards you. She gave you a sleepy smile and pressed another few kisses to your cheek before she slipped by to the bathroom.

You sunk down onto the mattress, slipping under your comforter and resting your head against your pillow. Your eyes strayed to the other side of the bed. Billie had spent many nights there, sleeping next to you. A few times you had woken up closer than you had fallen asleep. And you used to think that your desire to scoot closer to her on the bed, feel some part of her touching you before you slept, was nothing more than your platonic love for her. But now, sifting back through those memories, you knew it had always been different. Everything had been different with her. 

None of your friends were allowed to cuddle up to you like she was. None of them could be as touchy or affectionate as she was. Only she could call you silly pet names or lean her full body weight on to you while watching a movie or have designated closet space in your room. You realized now that you had had feelings for her for so much longer than you let yourself know and now after experiencing her unfiltered affection for you, you couldn’t believe you had waited this long to face it.

“What are you thinking about?” Her voice was soft, breaking you out of your thoughts. She had already turned the lamp off and shut the door and was slipping into the bed next to you. You hadn’t even heard her come in.

“You,” you confessed, feeling little desire to conceal the last bits of your feelings. Tonight had been the night to lay everything out on the table.

“Oh really?” she mused, shuffling close so her face rested on the part of her pillow that was closest to yours.

You turned on your side to face her, tugging the covers up the both of you. She was fresh faced now, her skin rosy from the cold water she always used to wash her skin, plush from your moisturizer that she liked to steel that you started buying two of each time just for her. 

She reached out her hand to brush your hair back from your face, her nails lightly dragging on your skin and into your scalp, leaving a trail of tingles. 

“Just how,” you shuffled a touch closer to her until you could feel her chest touch yours and you could feel the warmth of her breath graze your lips, “I’ve had feelings for you longer than I realized.”

“Yeah?” she hummed, her eyes hooded as she stared at you, her other hand finding yours under the sheets and linking your fingers together. “How long?”

“I’m not sure,” you admitted, eyes blinking slowly at her, lulled by her soft touches and sleepy gaze. “But I think a really long time.”

She stared at you for a long moment, silent but continuing to stroke the side of your head. You wanted to know what she was thinking. You could see the thoughts whirring behind her eyes.

“I know when I realized,” she finally said, puncturing the silence. You squeezed her hand.

“When?” you asked.

She smiled at you, so softly you felt yourself turn nearly liquid under her gaze. Her eyes flickered to your lips but she stayed where she was, as if she was resisting the temptation so she could continue.

“Three years ago,” she said, eyes flickering back up to yours, “When we went to that diner at 1am and it was just the two of us. I don’t know what it was but something just clicked that night and I couldn’t see you any differently anymore.”

Her confession hung in the air and you let out a sigh, the words causing your heart to squeeze.

“That long?” you asked, an uncomfortable feeling settling low in your chest.

“Yeah,” she breathed and you wondered for a moment if she was nervous admitting it, like she hadn’t admitted it to anyone before.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to realize,” you murmured, a frown forming on your face. She moved her hand to swipe away the tension forming between your eyebrows.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” she replied, a breathy laugh leaving her lips. “It not hard to fall in love with you.”

“But you had to hide it for this long,” you retorted, unable to stop your frown as you thought about how long she had to go acting like everything was normal when you cracked in a month.

“I wasn’t hiding it very well. I think you’re just unobservant,” she said and you let out a soft laugh at her words. 

Looking back, you realized she was right. As much as she got preferential treatment from you, you got the same from her. You were the only one she let drive her car. Only you were ever allowed to do her makeup or her skincare. Every night out she was always checking in on you and only you, making sure you were feeling well, staying sober enough to always drive you home. And only you were allowed to cross into her personal space, hug her, lay on her, or cuddle up to her in bed.

“I’m really dumb, aren’t I?” you muttered, feeling heat rush to your cheeks in embarrassment. 

She laughed, her hand moving to cup the back of your neck, thumb brushing the curve of your jaw.

“Yeah,” she affirmed and you tried to glare at her but your lips were ticking up at the sides in a smile. 

You were quiet for another breath, feeling her leg brush up against yours. 

“Were you ever gonna tell me?” you finally asked the question that had been hanging over your head.

She stared at you, face contemplative as if she wasn’t even sure she knew the answer. Her hand found a loose strand of your hair and she brushed it through her fingers, coiling it around her pointer finger, tugging on it and then letting it loosen. She used to hesitate before she would touch you, like she had to be strategic about showing glimpses of affection, but now she was being open with her fondness, seeming to take any chance she could to touch you or kiss you or stare at you unabashed.

“I’m not sure,” she finally admitted, curling the hair back behind your ear. She let out a soft sigh, letting her thumb graze the softness of your cheek.

“There were times that I wanted to. And times I got really close,” she breathed into the quiet of the room, her voice soft and honeyed and layered with buried emotion.

“But I always got too scared. Or something would get in the way. Or I just found an excuse because . . .” She didn’t finish her sentence but you knew what she was going to say. Because you would’ve rejected her.

Your heart clenched at the thought. You weren’t sure what you would’ve done had she confessed her feelings for you before you realized your own. It might’ve affected your friendship, which would’ve torn you both apart or it might’ve made you confront your feelings much quicker, avoiding this last painful month.

“But I was okay with just staying your friend. I just wanted you in my life somehow,” she confessed, a melancholic smile pulling at her lips.

“Even when I was seeing other people?” She grimaced at the thought but gave a small nod. 

“I mean, I didn’t love it. But I wanted you to be happy. I was gonna take whatever you were willing to give me.”

You felt your eyes start to sting, overwhelmed by the sudden flush of emotions at her words. 

“Are you crying again?” she breathed, surprise woven together with concern. 

“No, just, that was so sweet. I–,” you lost your words, moving to wipe the sudden tears threatening to spill from your lashes.

She let out a melodic laugh, moving her hand to cup the back of your head and pulling you in closer so she could press her lips to your cheek. You tilted your head and she took the hint to press her lips delicately against yours.

Her kiss tasted like mint and you could smell the jasmine moisturizer on her skin. Her hand trailed from your neck down over the curve of your hip until she was tugging you ever closer, urging your leg to drape over her side, her leg fitting seamlessly in between yours. For a fleeting moment when her lips strayed from yours to find the velvet juncture of your neck, you wondered if this was going too quickly, if the awkwardness of the unknown and freshness of your relationship would catch up with you but then her mouth found a sweet spot below your jaw and your head quieted down to a pleasant buzz.

“No more tears tonight,” she murmured against your skin, dragging the edge of her canines over goose bumped skin, your heart fluttering wildly in your chest.

Her hand pressed into the small of your back to urge you even closer, getting rid of any space left that had lingered between you. You barely had time to feel anxious at these new sensations, her lips tracing your neck like a map.

“I would’ve waited even longer for you so stop worrying about it,” she mumbled, pulling back for a brief moment to gaze at you through half-lidded ocean eyes.

Your heart was so beating rapidly in your chest you wondered if she had felt your pulse against her lips.

“I don’t worry,” you quipped, voice breathy and face hot.

“No?” Her eyebrows quirked and a sly smile tugged at her lips.

“Never,” you replied, swallowing hard as you felt your insides swim and flip at her heavy gaze.

“Mhmm,” she hummed, biting down on her lower lip, her eyes flickering back to yours. “If you say so.”

You would’ve retorted, another teasing comment or sarcastic quip to ease the feeling of anticipation growing in your stomach, but her lips had found yours again and you couldn’t remember much past that.

billie masterlist ✩

[retrobutterflies]

b.e. masterlist // retrobutterflies

Billie Eilish ✩

Ambrosia . a,f . 6.6k

Your avoidant attachment style can only work for so long until it's time to face the music.

Nectar . f . 4k

You both admit the extent of your feelings between soft teasing and pretty kisses.

[retrobutterflies]

So so beautifully written!!! I love this so much <3

★ᯓ say you trust my loveᯓ★

pairing: billie eilish x fem!reader

MASTERLIST

synopsis: In the quiet tension of a rainy evening, you and Billie navigate the fragile cracks in your relationship, her unspoken fears and your quiet persistence threatening to collide. Through tender words and honest vulnerability, you begin to bridge the emotional distance, proving that love—yours and hers—is worth the effort.

warnings: cussing here and there …

wc: 2.4k

authors note: finally caught a break to write again. this is inspired by the songs ‘trustworthy’ and ‘bending my rules’ by flo (literally in love with their entire discography) anyways hope you enjoy this💋

the faint plink of the faucet echoed through the quiet room, irregular but persistent. each droplet hit the metal sink with a sharp, hollow ring, like a tiny clock ticking in no set rhythm. the sound seemed louder in the stillness, a soft but nagging reminder of something left unresolved. Occasionally, a bead of water would gather on the edge, hanging for a moment before falling with a heavier, more deliberate splash. It was the kind of noise that got under your skin, subtle at first, then impossible to ignore.

the air around you felt heavy, as if an invisible weight pressed against your chest. every breath came shallow, as if the room itself had grown too small to contain the silence. the space between you two buzzed with unspoken words, each one sharp and electric, but stuck just out of reach. It was the kind of tension that settled in your stomach, coiling tight like a spring, leaving you both restless and paralyzed. Every little sound—the creak of a chair, the faint hum of the fridge—felt magnified, filling the void where conversation should’ve been. The longer it stretched on, the more unbearable it became, like holding your breath and waiting for a storm that might never break.

the distance had been growing between you for weeks. it was subtle at first — billie canceling plans here and there, zoning out mid-conversation, brushing off your attempts at figuring out what’s wrong with simple “i’m fine’s”. But now it’s undeniable, overtime you’ve grown to be sick of the bullshit. something in your gut was telling you that something was up and you weren’t going to let her run away this time.

your head was held up by your closed fist as you sat on the end of the couch. the hairs on your skin stood up slightly as the cold air washed over you. the mugs of tea sat on the coffee table, untouched and long gone cold. the faint film on its surface shimmering under the dim light. outside, raindrops trickled down the windowpane, their slow erratic paths leaving streaks that blurred the world beyond. the dark clouds above hung heavy, threatening to burst at any moment but for now they held back— just like the words between you two. the air in the room felt damp, not from the weather but from everything that’s been left unsaid. even the clock on the wall seemed hesitant, its ticking faint and uneven, as if time itself were unsure whether to move forward or to stop entirely.

her eyes bore into her phone as she curled into herself in the corner of the couch, phone illuminating her face and casting a faint glow in the dim light. she’d been sitting like that for nearly an hour, scrolling through her screen as though it could distract her from whatever was on her mind. and all you could do was watch, watch as she avoided you—avoided the conversation that clearly needed to be held.

It wasn’t unusual for her to retreat in to herself when she was overwhelmed. It’s something that you’ve come to learn as the deeper your relationship developed. learning that her walls weren’t going to be the easiest to break down and you weren’t one to force them either. but this time it was different. this wasn’t just some stress or a bad day. it was bigger than that and you both knew it. it was a fear…a fear that she wasn’t ready to face, even when it ate away at your relationship the more the problem was ignored and you were determined to figure it out.

‘this can’t keep happening’ you thought as you let out a tired sigh.

“what?” billie responded, not caring enough to look up at you. “you’ve been quiet all day. what’s going on?”

“i’m fine” she murmured. her tone flat and words unconvincing.

“my god- here you go.” you sucked in a sharp breath as your eyes shut, trying to calm down your building frustration.

“what?” her brows quirked up in confusion as she finally looked at you. eyes as blue as the seven seas bore into your own, for what felt like the first time in forever.

“you’re giving me the same rehearsed bullshit billie..that’s what. you shut me out and you hope that I don’t notice but I do.”

perplexity flickered across her face, as she set her phone down. brows knitted together as her eyes widened slightly, darting back and forth searching for a plausible explanation. her lips parted, but no words came out at first, just a shallow breath, as though she were trying to catch up to the accusation. The furrow in her brow deepened, and her head tilted just enough to show disbelief, like they were trying to piece together how things had gone so wrong. “Wait, what?” she finally stammered, their voice shaky, as if the accusation itself had knocked the wind out of them.

“just tell me what’s wrong.” your words left your mouth, ending off in a small plea as you scooted on the couch. close enough to give you comfort but far enough to give her her wanted space.

billie shifted her weight, discomfort written all on herself. “nothing i’m just tired”

“you’ve been “tired” all week babe. just talk to me…please.”

Billie’s gaze flickered briefly, like a shadow passing across the room, before she quickly turned away. Her lips pressed together, tight and unreadable, as if the words she wanted to say had been swallowed whole. A slight shift in her posture—shoulders drawn in, a subtle retreat—spoke louder than any denial. When her eyes met yours again, it was only for an instant, a look heavy with something unspoken, a silent plea. Her brows lifted for just a fraction of a second.

“Can we not?” she muttered softly under her breath, before her gaze darted back down, focusing intently on her hands or anything but the conversation. The space between you stretched taut, and with a delicate sigh, her gaze dropped, focusing on anything but you—a quiet invitation to let the silence speak for her, to walk away from the subject before it unraveled any further.

“no. we’re going to have this conversation. wether you want to or not, it’s as if you keep waiting for me to fuck up.”

you knew her to well, if you didn’t address this right now it’ll only worsen until it’s too late. instead of letting it go you decided to come up with a compromise, subsiding your frustrations and coming with a softer approach. “look people have bad days, i get it. you’re allowed to have them but don’t act like you have to deal with it all by yourself anymore. i’m right here”

she reached for her phone once more as she swallowed hard, eyes flicking back to the screen. “you always say that,” billie’s voice barely audible, the sound so soft as if they weren’t meant for you to hear. words caught in the space between you two. fragile and vulnerable, like glass. as if she was testing the air before allowing them to fully fall open. “But what if you don’t mean it? What if one day, you wake up and decide that we’re…that i’m not worth the trouble anymore?”. the weight of her question lingered in the air like a quiet storm, too heavy to ignore.

your eyes slowly blink as you take in her mere confession. surprised at her honesty but not the fear behind it, because you understood it, you once lived it.

her gaze flickered around the room before landing on you once more. “it’s not you..believe me it’s not. you’re doing everything right, and that scares me. I’m not used to this—someone being so steady. I keep waiting for you to prove me right, to show me I was stupid for thinking I could trust you.”

Your chest tightens, a sharp ache slicing through your heart as Billie’s words settle between you. It’s sudden, unexpected, the kind of pain that makes your breath catch, like something fragile inside you has just been cracked open. You knew she was afraid, but hearing it—hearing her voice, trembling with vulnerability—hits harder than you imagined.

a frown etched itself onto your face as you finally spoke up, your words gentle but firm. “now baby that’s not fair. i’ve bent my rules for you—things i said i’d never do, i’ve done because of how much i care about you. i’ve bent over backwards to show you i have no plans on going anywhere. what do i have to do to make you believe that? doesn’t it mean anything?”

reaching out you took her hand into your own. thumb mindlessly caressing the ink that was etched into her skin. it was an act of comfort, for hers or your own? that you weren’t sure of.

“It does. but it’s like everytime I start to believe you, something in my head is telling me to just not trust this. like maybe i’m fooling myself again.” looking down at your intertwined hands she grabbed them and placed them in her lap, opting to play with your fingers as she spoke. this subtle gesture letting you know that although nervous— she felt safe enough to let you in.

“I don’t know…it’s not something you can necessarily fix. it’s….me. I’ve been let down so much, i don’t even know what it feels like to completely trust someone.”

your fingers lifted to her head, brushing back strands of auburn hair that fell astray behind her hair. lifting her chin with your knuckle causing her eyes to meet with your own. “I get that. And i’m not magically stop feeling like that overnight. But I need you to meet me halfway, billie. I’ve changed how I do things because I want this to work out. Because I want you, all that i’m asking is that you at least…try”.

“and what if I can’t give you everything that you need?”

you breathed out, words falling from your soft lips. “then i’ll stay here and prove you wrong…” you leaned in closer, voice steady. “I’ve never done this with anyone but i’m willing to for you, just let me in a little more. I don’t need perfect billie— I just need you to be honest.” the words came out with ease, the weight of them grounding you both. making you feel more certain than you had in days.

Billie’s gaze flickered to yours, her eyes softening just a fraction, but her lips remained pressed together, caught somewhere between doubt and hope. You could see the hesitation in the way she inhaled, as if every breath she took was a decision. She opened her mouth, but the words faltered. A small sigh escaped her, her shoulders slumping slightly as she leaned back, hand covering her eyes acting as another wall and shielding her from everything, as if the fight had drained from her.

“You think you can just… wait for me to change?” Her voice was quieter now, almost lost in the space between you. She didn’t look away this time, though. “I’m not sure I can be what you need.”

You felt the sting of her words, but you didn’t pull away. Instead, scooted closer, your hand reaching for the one covering her face without thinking, needing to make that connection. “You don’t have to be perfect,” you repeated, your thumb brushing against her knuckles. “Just be real with me. I can’t make you trust me, but I’ll show you that you can. All I need is the chance.”

For a long moment, she didn’t speak. Then, slowly, as if testing the waters, she squeezed your hand just slightly, a quiet admission that she might be ready to believe.

“you’re so…steady. It’s like you’re this constant— and i’m just chaos. How are you so sure?”

“Because I know what I want. and I want you, chaos and all.”

“you really think i’m worth all this effort?” billie’s eyes soften as she looks at you but she’s still hesitant. the hue of her eyes reminding you of swimming pools. so full of emotions that you can drown in it.

your head moved on its own without hesitation. “yes. i wouldn’t be with you if i didn’t. To be honest…I get scared too, sometimes i wonder if you’ll ever trust me the way i do you? but then i look and i know you’re the one for me. i’ll do whatever it takes to show you that.”

for the first time in days billie relaxes just a little. letting herself fall into you, allowing you to truly connect with her. a few beats pass by as you both fell into a comfortable silence. your hand combed through her hair over and over while you watched the rain.

The soft pecks on your neck pull you out of your thoughts, and you feel her smile against your skin. It’s a quiet, unspoken apology—a gentle way of saying she’s finally letting go, letting herself be here with you. You turn slightly, just enough to meet her gaze, and for the first time in days, there’s a softness in her eyes that you haven’t seen in a while.

“I’m not perfect,” she says, her voice almost too quiet, but it doesn’t feel like a confession anymore. It’s more like a surrender, like she’s finally giving herself the permission to just be—to let you in without the weight of all her walls.

“I never needed you to be,” you reply, brushing a strand of hair from her face. “I just need you to be here, with me, right now. That’s enough.”

Billie exhales, her body relaxing into yours once more, and this time it’s different. There’s no hesitation, no fear creeping back in. She’s just here, in this moment, with you. For the first time in a while, there’s peace in her touch, the steady warmth of her presence grounding you both.

The rain outside has softened into a light drizzle, the world outside feeling distant and muted, as if nothing else matters but the quiet connection you share now. You press a soft kiss to her temple, and her eyes flutter closed for a moment, the weight of everything finally lifting.

“Thank you,” she whispers, her voice small but sincere. “For being patient with me.”

You smile, a soft, tender curve of your lips. “I’ll always wait for you, Billie. As long as you need.”

And in that moment, everything feels like it’s finally falling into place. There’s no more rushing, no more wondering if things will work out. For the first time, you both just exist together—imperfect, but real—and that’s enough.

[retrobutterflies]

ok i NEED more billie fics from you omg i think that ambrosia altered my brain chemistry.

Omg I'm literally plotting another one rn :)

[retrobutterflies]

Ambrosia | billie eilish

Billie Eilish x Female!Reader

Summary: Your avoidant attachment style can only work for so long until it's time to face the music.

Word Count: 6.6k

Warnings: Bi panic, hurt/comfort, fluff

Part II

A/N: If you've gone to see her on tour, you and I are in a fight.

You had been acting off. You knew it. And you weren't a very good actress so you could tell your friends knew it too. But no one had said anything, at least not yet. You had tried to drop hints of work being stressful or your lease ending soon but they were halfhearted and pitiful attempts to camouflage your real turmoil.

You could tell Billie knew it too. Her eyes lingered on you a little longer when someone would say a joke and everyone would laugh and you would be quiet in the corner consumed by your thoughts. A few times she called your name to pull you back into the conversation, a quirked eye brow and side smirk barely concealing the confusion or concern lingering in her eyes. Sometimes it was a gentle nudge in the side or handing you a fresh drink to pull you back from your mind. And it would work for a while until you couldn't stop focusing on how close she was sitting to you on the couch or how every time she would laugh her body would lean into yours and you would feel her warmth and smell her perfume. And then you would be sucked right back into the buzzing thoughts of panic and fear and confusion and you would be plotting your escape route before you imploded.

Tonight was harder than usual. You had been in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and sipping your third beer that was finally giving you a little buzz, softening your brain for the time being. Oliver had come up to you with an award winning grin and glinting eyes. He was a friend of a friend but he seemed to be at every party you were and slowly but surely you started talking and flirting every time you saw each other. You knew if you wanted someone to dance with or chat or make out in the bathroom you could find him and he would give you his charming smile and an enthusiastic yes.

Only tonight it was different. Everything had felt different since your startling realization on the floor of your room a month ago. You noticed him before he reached you and instead of the usual feelings of excitement or anticipation, all you felt was anxiety. Your stomach had been in knots on and off all night and suddenly at the sight of him they were back to full power.

"I thought I'd never find you," he mused, strolling up to you and leaning his torso against the marble counter top. "I thought maybe you were avoiding me."

You let out a soft puff of a laugh, taking a larger gulp of your beer before replying, "I'm avoiding everyone.”

He quirked an eyebrow, pushing back a brown tuft of hair out of his forehead. "For any particular reason?"

You pursed your lips, shifting your weight from one foot to the other, thinking about how to respond. "Just, tired, I guess," was your intelligent response.

"Just tired, you guess," he echoed, eyebrows raising further as he tilted his head at you. His eyes were piercing and you could feel him trying to peel back the layers of your newfound shell.

"Too tired to even dance with me?" he asked, giving you a soft, playful nudge in the side. You tried to give him a smile though you were sure it looked more like a wince.

"I'm sorry, Oliver, I'm just–" You struggled to find the words, the knots tightening in your stomach, "–out of it today."

He let out a hum, taking a sip of his IPA, and stared at you long and hard.

"Is this about a boy?" he questioned.

You winced but it only seemed to encourage him.

"So it is. C'mon, I'm not upset that you have a crush, I’m just upset its not on me," he joked, nudging you again. When you didn’t respond he continued.

"So," he repeated, "Who is it? I promise I'll keep it a secret."

You shook your head, taking another large sip of your drink like it could wash away the anxiety blooming in your chest.

"Is it Ben? You guys used to talk didn't you?" he continued, eyes now scanning the busy kitchen and through the archway peaking into the living room.

"Or Sebastian? I know he's always had a thing for you. He glares at me sometimes," he let out a chuckle.

"Oliver–" You tried to cut him off.

"Wait no, it's Griffen isn't it? God, I should've guessed that first."

"Oliver, stop, please," You put a hand up to rub the spot between your forehead that was starting to ache.

He looked back at you and frowned. "I get it, you don't have to tell me. I have been told I give good advice though," he said.

You looked up at him. His big brown eyes were sincere and there was a time when they used to make butterflies erupt in your stomach. But now it was like any fascination you had had with him before had puffed out like a candle.

"Listen, I appreciate that, but–" You let out a breath, trying to choose your words carefully, "this has nothing to do with a boy."

"You sure?" he replied, skeptical. Your stomach twisted again.

"I'm sure," You breathed.

He left you alone after that, strolling away to find his next playmate. You stood there for a while, people watching and sipping on your beer. It didn't take you long to notice Billie with a few of your friends, perched on a couch in the living room, a perfect view from the kitchen. Someone said something and she laughed, throwing her head back, hair glinting in the low lighting. You stared for longer than you should've.

And then she finally noticed you. Her eyes caught yours and her smile morphed into a softer more tentative one. The anxiety that had been appeased for the moment roared back to life and you felt your heart rate quicken to the point that you could feel your pulse in your neck. You looked away, clenching onto your near empty beer can before sliding it onto the counter. You looked up to see the far door to the balcony and before you could think your legs were taking you there.

It was surprisingly empty and the chill of the autumn air felt refreshing against your burning cheeks. You leaned your elbows on the metal railing, taking in a few deep breaths as your eyes scanned the glowing lights of the city skyline.

You felt like you were going crazy. Everything you had known about yourself had suddenly flipped on its head on a random Tuesday and now you couldn't function normally. You were overthinking everything. All of your relationships, all of your friendships, all of your actions. How could you have not known? How could it have taken you this long? Don't people usually know right away?

"Hey," her voice hit you like an electrical shock. You jumped slightly and usually this would've made her chuckle but you could tell she knew something wasn't right. "Sorry," she said, her voice a hair softer, "I didn't mean to scare you."

You finally turned to look at her as she was closing the sliding door behind her. Her eyes seemed cautious and she took slowed steps towards you like you were a frightened animal.

"No, it's fine. Sorry, I'm–" losing my mind, "just a little tired."

She came to stand next to you, leaning her arms on the railing as well, and nodded. A few pieces of dark hair fluttered in the crisp breeze and your eyes lingered for a moment. You took in her side profile, the slope of her nose, flush of her cheeks, the pinched wrinkle between her eyebrows. She was quiet for a while, eyes looking out at the city, seeing through it like it wasn't even there at all.

"You seem to be tired all the time now," she finally said, her voice low and soft. You could hear her attempt at light humor, trying break the tension that had settled between you as the weeks went on but you could read her well and you could see the worry etched on her face and feel the apprehension in her words.

"Yeah," was all you could muster to reply. Your mind flashed back to all of the plans you had turned down or cancelled on last minute under the ruse you were tired. You turned your attention back to the city, trying hard to focus your eyes anywhere but her face.

You could practically hear the thoughts buzzing in her head, all the words and questions she had for why you had suddenly sunk into yourself. And why you had suddenly started avoiding her. She let out a soft sigh. You could feel her gaze on the side of your cheek but you couldn't bring yourself to look at her.

"Are you doing okay?" she asked, voice even softer than before.

You bit the inside of your cheek. You weren't sure how to respond. Any wrong word and you might very well burst into tears.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" You replied. You tried to sound nonchalant but even you could hear the slight waver in your voice. You moved your hands to grip the railing, an attempt at grounding yourself so you didn't lose your resolve in front of her. You were already thinking about an escape route, maybe to the bathroom to cry or maybe straight out the front door where you could call someone to come pick you up.

She paused for a moment, staring at you. You could tell she was trying to read between the lines, hear the words you weren't saying. And you knew if you met her eyes she would be able to pull them from you in an instant.

"You know," she paused again, her eyes still boring into the side of your face, "usually I don't pry because you always come to me when you're ready but–"

She let out another sigh, finally pulling her gaze away and back towards the twinkling night. She tapped her fingers softly on the railing. You could hear her rings making gentle clinks against the metal. It was a tell tale sign she was nervous or agitated, or maybe both.

"You're worrying me a little." She took another breath. "And I just want to make sure you're alright because I can tell something is bothering you even if you're not ready to tell me what it is yet."

You could feel your eyes start to sting and your hands were starting to freeze from clenching the cold steel of the railing for so long but you didn't dare move them for fear their fidgeting would give you away. But your throat had tightened to the point that you weren't sure you could say any word without it sounding strained and threatening tears.

"And–" she started again, her voice taking on a slightly pained sound, "if I did something that upset you I'm really sorry. I know I can be a lot sometimes but I don't want that to make you uncomfortable or . . ." She trailed off, grimacing at her own words.

You finally plucked up the courage to look at her. She looked pained and you felt the anxiety in your stomach turn to dread. She looked so worried and it was obvious that your strange behavior had been affecting her for a while now. And somehow she knew she was the cause.

"You started acting strange after the last time we hung out and I–" she scrunched her face up in regret, "–didn't mean to do anything that would make you uncomfortable and sometimes I get too comfortable and I forget to check myself–" she let out a frustrated sigh. You turned your gaze away sharply.

Your mind spun back to that moment a month ago, both of you sitting on the floor of your room. You didn't even remember what you had been talking about but you remembered your stomach had cramped from laughing so hard. And your faces were so close together. And she had started playing with your hair, first brushing it behind your ear and then twirling a strand or two. And then her finger had brushed so lightly against your cheek once, then twice, then it travelled down your jaw then towards your neck and left goosebumps and tingles in its wake and then so suddenly like a bolt of lightening you had wanted her to kiss you.

Your whole life you had thought you only liked boys. You had only ever had crushes on boys and dated boys and then suddenly you wanted a girl and you had to double back through every interaction in your life to see if you had been deluding yourself, refusing to acknowledge this second side of you. And it was an earthshaking realization that you hadn't even known yourself and that you had been so blind to it.

And then the worst part about it was that it wasn't just any girl but it was your best friend. The most major, important, integrated person in your life and suddenly you had feelings for her and you had no idea what to do.

"I just–I didn't mean to let it get–" she cut herself off, letting out another frustrated huff.

You couldn't risk looking at her. Your eyesight was already blurring from the moisture building up in your waterline and you knew if you made a sound it would cause them to start falling, ruining any last shred of dignity you had left.

You could feel her gaze on you again, penetrating and heavy and from the corner of your eye you could see her shoulders sag and her head dip slightly.

She was quiet for another few seconds before murmuring a quiet, "I'm sorry."

It made your heart clench painfully and you wanted to turn to her and reassure her that nothing was her fault and you were just dealing with your own inner turmoil but you could already feel a few tears escaping your eyes and rolling hot and fast down your wind-bitten cheeks.

She took your silence as rejection and pulled back suddenly from the balcony. "I'll, um, leave you be for a little. If, uh–" her voice sounded pinched and low and you could picture the look of defeat on her face and it made you feel like throwing up.

"If you need a lift home, just, uh, let me know," she murmured.

She turned around and took a few steps to the door, hand resting on the handle. You turned to look at her, sudden panic and desperation clawing at your neck at the thought of her leaving even though a second ago that was all you had wanted.

"Bil–" Her name got caught in your throat that had tightened so much you felt like you were choking.

She turned quickly, shock filtering across her features as she noticed the tears.

"Are you crying?" her voice held a quiet tone of surprise but it was enough for the rest of the tears you had been desperately holding back to break free.

You cupped your hands over your eyes, a hiccup of a sob leaving your lips, and pressed your sleeves into your eyelashes in a piteous attempt to dry up your tears. You heard her whisper your name before you felt her in front of you.

"Please don't cry. I didn't realize–" Her hands went to your shoulders, squeezing slightly before pulling you forward until you could feel her torso pressing against yours and feel her arms winding around your body.

It was useless fighting your emotions. They had always won before. It was silly of you to think you could beat them now. You felt yourself sink into her, your hands moving to wind around her neck, pressing your cheek against her warmth.

"I'm–I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were so upset. I–" she sounded like she couldn't find her words, still surprised by your reaction. Her arms tightened around you, one of her hands reaching up to cup the crown of your head.

She dragged her hand down the back of your head, fingers raking through your hair, brushing against your scalp. You stood there for a while, your tears soaking into the sleeve of your shirt, her delicately stroking your head, dolling out a few hushed apologies even though there was nothing for her to be apologizing for.

Finally, when your choking whimpers and nearly ceaseless tears quieted down, she pulled back. She pulled her sleeve over her hand and pressed it gently against your cheek and with slow and deliberate movements she wiped away the wetness on your face. It was an intimate enough gesture to bring more tears to your eyes but she tutted at you.

"Come on, baby. I don't want you to run yourself ragged," she cajoled though her voice was still hushed and the worry never left her face.

'Baby' hit you right in the chest. She had called you that before, and more often in recent memory, and though it had always made you feel warm it had never quite knocked the breath out of you like now.

She swiped her thumb over your eyelid, then the other, brushing the new tears from your lashes. Then she swiped the delicate skin under your eyes, once, twice, maybe a third for good measure. You couldn't tell where the flush in your cheeks from the cold stopped and the blush began. Her eyes now held yours and in the darkness their hue was almost as dark as the deepest part of the ocean and you could see the lights of the city glittering in her irises like she had plucked all of the stars from the sky and sprinkled them in her eyes. And for a second time you were breathless.

"Why don't I take you home?" she breathed, eyes now flittering around your face.

You wanted to reply with something witty, something to ease the tension even a hint but you couldn't find your words. All you could do was give her a nod. She held out her hand to you and like it was second nature you took it. Her rings were cool against your skin but her hand was warm and soft and she gave you a reassuring squeeze before gently tugging you back inside the apartment.

She didn't bother to say goodbye to anyone. You were sure she was doing it for your sake. You knew you looked like a mess. Her car was parked on the street and she opened the passenger door for you and waited until you were seated before shutting it and going towards the driver's side.

She didn't say anything, only turned the radio on to a comfortable buzz before starting in the direction of your apartment. You leaned your forehead against the cool glass of the window and shut your eyes tight, trying to take in the small moment of peace before you knew you would have to finally explain yourself. You could feel her heavy glances and for a moment you swore she was going to reach out to touch you but she didn't and soon enough you were pulling into the parking garage of your apartment.

She pulled into one of the designated spots for your unit, the other one reserved for your roommate. It was essentially hers since you didn't have a car and the familiarity of her pulling in like normal when she hadn't done it for a month had your heart clenching again.

The elevator ride was quiet as was the walk to your unit. When you opened the front door, your roommate and her boyfriend were cozied up on the couch, watching the newest slasher flick. You had calmed down enough to offer them a pleasant greeting as you took your shoes off and they turned their attention from the glowing TV to respond. You could see the peaked interest on your roommate's face at the sight of Billie standing next to you who she hadn't seen since that fateful day.

"Let us know if we need to turn the volume down," your roommate said and you gave her a small smile before leading Billie down the hall and to your room, shutting the door behind you.

For the first time ever, she looked somewhat lost being in your room. You were so used to her sprawling on your bed, borrowing your clothes without needing to ask, using far too much of your body wash when she took a shower and now she was lingering by the door, arms crossed over her chest like she was too scared to touch anything. You dropped your bag onto your desk and sunk down to sit on the bed. You patted the spot next to you.

"You can come sit," You said, before adding, "If you want."

She relaxed slightly and nodded, shrugging off her jacket onto your desk chair before taking the space next to you. You sat there in a thick silence. You opened your mouth to speak but your courage was depleting at a rapid rate and your eyes kept flashing back to that moment a month ago, seeing you both like ghosts sitting on the floor in front of you. She finally broke the silence first.

"I just want to say that," she took a steadying breath, eyes focused on her hands that were wringing nervously in her lap, "I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable and I'm sorry that I overstepped a boundary."

You let your eyes wander over her face. Her brows pulled together, furrowing slightly as she thought back to that day.

"I know you don't have those feelings and I–" she shook her head, pieces of dark hair falling into her face making her brush them back behind her ears.

"I shouldn't have let myself get close like that. It wasn't fair to you," she admitted, letting out an irritated exhale.

She was quiet again. You weren't sure if she was waiting for you to answer or trying to find the words to keep going. You felt your pulse quicken as you stared at her. She lifted her head and her eyes met yours and again you were breathless. She had always been beautiful but you had never let yourself view her as anything more than a friend. And now looking at her you had the crushing realization that you didn't think you could ever view her as anything but anymore.

"Billie," your voice was quiet and you didn't realize what you were going to say until the words were spilling out of your mouth.

"I love you."

She blinked at you, eyes wide and flickering between yours. And then she grimaced. You couldn't help but feel the wash of rejection settle in your chest.

"Don't say that," she said, shaking her head and looking like you had just slapped her.

"Why?"

She stood up abruptly, like being close to you was suddenly suffocating her. She crossed her arms back in front of her chest, eyes looking around your room but focusing on nothing.

"Because you don't mean it," she muttered, her eyes following the myriad of pictures and polaroids you had decorated over your wall, her face smiling back in more than a few of them.

"What do you mean?" You almost laughed at the absurdity. "Of course I do."

She shook her head again and turned back to look at you and you were taken aback at the sudden anger swirling in her eyes.

"You fell of the face of the planet four weeks ago," she snapped. Her eyes were narrowed and her thick liner made them look darker than normal.

"You barely answered my texts. I thought I had done something horrible. And then when I realized what I had done you were no where to be found for me to apologize. You iced me out so fast it made my head spin!"

You couldn't help but gape at her. She bit her lip, her eyes now glimmering with her own tears threatening to fall. The sight of them made your insides coil up so tight you almost felt faint.

"One second we're talking about the future, laughing at the possibility that we could ever live apart from each other and the next second you're gone like I was suddenly nothing to you," she exclaimed, her voice raising in a mix of anger and pain. A couple of stray tears rolled down her cheeks and she angrily wiped them away with the back of her hand.

"You can't just leave me like that and then . . . and then–" she let out a shuddering breath, "say you love me."

You felt your tears resurface, stinging against your lashes as you stared at her. Guilt was wrapping around you like vines and you couldn't believe you didn't realize how much you had hurt her from pulling away like that.

"And it's not fair because you don't even mean it. Not–" she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment like she could force her tears back.

"It doesn't mean the same thing to you,” she finally met your eyes, "Not in the way that it does to me."

"Billie, I–" You felt your breath get caught in your throat, "I'm so sorry."

She stared at you for a painstakingly long moment before the anger seeped out of her and was replaced by dejection. She sunk down to the floor, pulling her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them.

"No–" she rested her forehead against her knee, her face now hidden from your gaze, "I'm sorry. I just–You'd think at this point I'd be able to deal with it better, you know? But it doesn't seem to get any easier."

You got up from your spot on the bed and sunk down to the floor with her.

"You have feelings for me," You suddenly realized, eyes scanning her as if you were trying to see what you had been missing all this time.

She let out a humorless laugh. "Brutal, isn't it?”

She chuckled again, raising her head to rest her chin on the top of her knee.

"You don't even like girls. And I can't seem to like anyone but you," she admitted, her voice rasping at the end. It sounded like she had accepted her fate long ago and you couldn't help but feel the pang of regret in your chest at wishing you had realized this so much earlier.

"I tried to make it go away. But sometimes I would just let myself pretend just for a second that you felt the same way," she let out a heavy breath.

"The last time I was here, I just, I let myself pretend a little too long and I got carried away."

She met your eyes and a few rouge tears dropped down her cheeks. Instinctively, you reached out and brushed them away, cupping her face and swiping your thumbs across the swells of her cheeks. She closed her eyes and you watched her face relax for a fleeting moment before the anguish was creeping back in again.

"You can't do that," she whispered, eyes blinking open as she pulled her face out of your hands. "You're only gonna make it worse."

You stared at each other for a few moments, the air heavy and thick with emotion. But you could feel your resolve strengthening after she bared her heart to you. You figured it was only fair to do the same.

“I love you,” you repeated, this time more firm than the last.

She winced again like the words were painful to hear.

“I mean it,” you said, “I love you.”

She shook her head, not believing your words or maybe thinking you didn’t understand her.

“You don’t,” she denied, opening her mouth to retort again but you cut her off.

“I do,” you insisted. “Please, just–Let me explain.”

She closed her mouth, blinking at you before giving you a short nod.

"I grew up in a very traditional household," you started, taking a wavering breath to ready yourself. "My whole life I was surrounded by nothing but heterosexuality. My parents, my relatives, all of my friends. And I had always liked boys but it had never crossed my mind that I might like girls too."

"And when I met you I knew you were going to be so special to me. It was kind of frightening how quickly we grew attached. But I had always valued my close friendships with girls that I just–" you shook your head, eyes straying to your hands nestled in your lap, "I hadn't realized that sometimes my feelings went beyond the scope of platonic."

"But last month, when you were here and we were talking I . . . I had this sudden realization that I wanted you to kiss me.”

You looked up to see her eyes boring into you. She kept so still like she was worried one wrong move and you would close back up.

“I had to . . . comb back through my life to make sense of it. I didn’t realize–I thought you just knew. I thought it was so crazy of me to only realize now and . . . how stupid could I be for not knowing I felt like this.”

You shut your eyes, thinking back through all those memories you had replayed over and over again.

“And then I thought back to moments between us,” you let out a shaky exhale, feeling your eyes sting, “How close we get, the things we talk about. How I don’t let anyone do the things you do. How I always look to you first for anything.”

You could feel her penetrating gaze even with your eyes shut.

“And then I just . . . I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Your friendship is so important to me but I didn’t know how to be around you without confronting these new feelings. And I couldn’t,” you winced, letting out another shaky sigh, “I couldn’t bare the thought of losing you because of them.”

It was so quiet for a moment you thought maybe she had left. But after a few beats of silence you heard her shuffle towards you and then slowly her arm curved around your back and she was pulling you into her.

“You could never lose me,” she said so softly it was nearly a whisper, her voice thick with emotion.

You bit your lip hard to stop it from trembling. Her other hand found your face and cupped your cheek, nudging you to look up at her. You opened your eyes to be met with her anguished expression, eyes glossy in the dim lighting, eyeliner smudged at the sides.

“And you’re not stupid,” she said, brows furrowing further.

“But how could I not have known–”

“That doesn’t make you stupid. There’s no calendar for this shit,” her thumb danced softly over the plush of your cheek, so light, so delicate, you couldn’t help but lean into it.

“So you believe me?” you finally asked after another bout of silence.

“That you love me?” she questioned, a rasp in her tone. You nodded.

She moved her hand to stroke back your hair from your face, thumb lingering on your hairline as she brushed back the soft baby hairs.

“Yes,” she finally conceded, eyes roaming around your face like this was the first time she was able to openly admire it. Her face drew closer and you could feel the warmth of her breath graze your lips.

“You just can’t go cold on me like that again,” she breathed, her eyes so blue and captivating like this was some sort of spell she was weaving on you. “I felt insane.”

You let out a weak chuckle. She mirrored your smile, eyes straying to your lips.

“I’m sorry,” you murmured, making her eyes meet yours again, “I really am.”

“I know, baby,” she replied.

That was all it took for you to lean in and kiss her. She took a sharp intake of breath, maybe in surprise, but her lips responded to yours in an instant. They were so soft, velveteen and silky, and you could smell her sweet perfume overwhelming your senses. And she tasted like honey and mint and ambrosia and you couldn’t believe you hadn’t kissed her before.

Her hand raked through your hair, curving around the back of your neck, massaging the tendon as her kisses grew deeper and sweeter. You felt your mind start to mellow into a hypnotic buzz where you couldn’t think much past her and her satin lips and her soft exhales fanning over your face. Her other hand slid around your torso, palm centering on the small of your back, before she was pulling you into her and up onto her lap.

“Fuck,” you breathed between kisses, wrapping your arms around her neck so you could press yourself in further.

Slowly her kisses strayed from your lips, tracing the edge of your jaw. She nudged her cheek against the underside of your jaw making your head lift so she could press fiery kisses to the sensitive skin of your neck. You dug your fingers into her hair, tightening your hold when she found an extra sensitive spot making her let out a pleased hum against your skin that vibrated and tickled.

“Bil–” You could barely speak, so consumed by her ministrations.

She littered kisses on your neck and over your pulse point where you were sure she could feel how fast your heart was beating. You felt her grin against your skin, nipping softly before apologizing with a searing kiss. Your body was turning lax and her arms tightened around your torso, anchoring you to her.

Then her lips were moving back up, leaving a wake of tingles as they climbed before they found yours again. You kissed back eagerly, trying to convey everything you weren’t able to in words, your guilt, your fear, your worry, your adoration, your love. And she drank you in, evaporating the remnants of your anxiety and doubt.

It took you a moment to realize one of her hands had slipped under the back of your shirt, her palm warm and pleasing against your bare skin. She dragged her nails lightly down your spine and you couldn’t help but shiver at the sensation. You felt her smile against your lips and after pressing one, two, a third, another kiss she finally relented, pulling her head back so she could look at you.

Your eyes fluttered open, dazed. Hers were half-lidded and penetrating and her lips were a bright pink, bruised and swollen. Her free hand reached back up, pushing your hair back and stroking her fingers delicately along your cheek.

“I love you too,” she murmured, voice so soft you could’ve missed it.

A flood of warmth filled your chest and a blush rose on your cheeks and she seemed unable to stop herself from leaning in and pressing a kiss against the flushing skin.

“I really missed you,” you confessed, sighing in contentment as her lips lingered on your cheek.

“Not as much as I did,” she said, leaning back again so she could look at you. She rested her head back against the foot of the bed, looking at you low through her dark lashes.

“No I was going crazy,” you admitted and she let out a spluttering laugh. You smiled for the first time in what felt like forever, gaze lingering on her squinting eyes and the small dimple that appeared on her chin.

“Dude, I was out of my mind. I wouldn’t shut up about you. I literally wrote a fucking song because you were ignoring me,” she confessed.

“No way,” you laughed, delighted at the thought that she would ever like you enough to write a song about you.

“I did,” she affirmed, snickering, moving both of her arms down to rest behind your back, tugging you in again so you sat higher on her lap.

“Will you let me hear it?” you asked, moving your hands down to her neck, finding the soft baby hairs at her nape and brushing your thumbs against the sides.

“I was really in my feels,” she warned.

“That’s okay,” you said and she smiled at you so softly that you felt a swirl of butterflies erupt in your stomach.

“Okay,” she said, biting her lower lip, eyes flashing back down to yours.

“Really?”

“Mhm, you just can’t make fun of me though,” she replied and you let out another soft laugh at the thought.

“I’ve never made fun of you in my entire life,” you said unable to stop your smile and she guffawed at you.

“Still a shit liar I see,” she retorted.

“I’ve never lied either,” you said, grinning and she squeezed your side making you let out a shocked giggle.

“‘No, I’m fine Billie. I’m just tired. Nothing is wrong and I’m not ignoring you’,” she paraphrased, poking fun now at your sorry excuses for avoiding her.

You groaned half in regret, half in embarrassment.

“I mean, it’s not entirely a lie. I was sleeping like shit,” you admitted.

She hummed, eyes seemingly now noticing the darker shadows lurking under your eyes, your makeup long gone from all of your tears.

“I was too,” she said, taking a deep sigh, “How do you think I had time to write a whole song?”

You laughed again and she smiled at you. All of the worry and sadness that had clouded her face for the past few weeks had finally left. She looked like she had her sparkle back and you felt breathless at the thought that it was because of you.

“Would you, um,” your eyes flickered between hers, suddenly nervous, “wanna stay the night?”

She let out an affronted laugh. “Did you think I wanted to leave?”

“I was just checking. I didn’t wanna push you or anything,” you replied, narrowing your eyes at her but unable to quell your smile.

“I know, baby. And I appreciate it,” she cooed, leaning in to kiss your cheek again.

“I like when you call me that,” you confessed, the words leaving your lips before you could even think to stop them.

“Yeah?” Her grin deepened and you nodded, your cheeks warm. She hummed again.

She stared at you for another long moment, eyes scanning your face, her hand reaching up to brush your hair back. Your eyes fluttered shut at the comfort.

“You’ll tell me next time when you’re this upset?” she asked, voice softer now.

You blinked open your eyes. Her worry was seeping back and you felt the guilt pool in your stomach again but you pushed it back, confident in the fact that you couldn’t ignore her again even if you tried.

“I promise.”

She stared at you long and hard. And then she leaned in and pressed another silken kiss to your lips.

“Good because otherwise I’m breaking down your door,” she mumbled against your lips and you couldn’t contain your laugh. And then she pressed in further, kissing away all the guilt and fear that lingered, replacing it with nothing but the touch of her lips.

billie masterlist ✩

[retrobutterflies]

So so cute and lovely!

loved up?

pairing; fred weasley x fem!reader

series; the bestfriendverse NEW! (ongoing)

warnings; allusions to self harm (reader), pining, idiots in love (but they don't know it yet), a lil sad but also fluffy

synopsis; fred gives you - his obviously platonic best friend - a cuddle in the common room. an interrogation ensues.

a/n; i'm veeeery rusty but i'm back bitches!! and proud to present.... the bestfriendverse. turning this into a lil series of drabbles (& hopefully longer chapters) if my brain keeps braining for long enough. so requests are muchly appreciated and my inbox is always open. cannot wait to explore these two in more depth!!! missed you all </3

You're halfway into Fred's lap when George and Lee round the corner to the common room, melty soft and warm with your legs over his thighs, eyes closed and lashes brushing at the juncture between his shoulder and neck.

He smells lovely.

He feels even lovelier – that soft rumble of his chest that lazily pushes its way through you, his hand at the side of your neck, keeping you nuzzling against him like a needy kitten. He hikes you further up and you preen, eyes still closed, half asleep and well on your way to drooling on his shoulder.

You stretch and wheedle your arms underneath his own until your shoulder is squeezed beneath his armpit. He makes room for you, as expected.

"Oi! They're having a love-fest in here!" Lee says. You groan and dig your head further into Fred's neck. Your heartbeat ticks up when he scrubs a sweeping circle over your back with his palm outstretched –you don't even mind when he rucks up your t-shirt.

You diligently ignore the hammering in your own ears.

The other end of the settee dips and George's weight settles at your back, knuckles brushing at the back of your neck in a way he knows makes you bristle and squirm. You squeak and make to dive behind Fred.

"Leave her be, Georgie," Fred says, mock offence dripping from his every syllable. His arm lifts instinctively and he ushers you right under until you're well and truly squashed, your whole body curled inward against his chest. It's endearing how seriously he takes defending your honour. "We were very comfortable before you interrupted, you silly sod."

"I resent that comment."

"You resemble it, more like."

George gasps in faux horror. You tip your head upwards just in time to watch Lee throw his arms around the pair of you, a devious grin on his face.

You know what he's going to say, no matter how much you wish he wouldn't.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you two looked proper loved up. Wouldn't you agree, George?"

"Absolutely."

If Fred feels you deflate, he's gracious enough not to mention it. Your lips purse and you busy yourself picking at your cuticles.

"Shut up," Fred snorts as though the thought alone is utterly ridiculous. Your heart does this awful sort of flip-flop that knocks the breath right out of you– it leaves an ache that carries right down to your toes.

You try to disentangle yourself from him as smoothly as possible. You want to run and hide from this conversation, the very conversation you've been rehearsing over and over in your head for months.

Being in love with your best friend isn't for the faint of heart.

Fred clings when you attempt to slide out of his grip, tugging you right back into his side. Heat rises to your cheeks so fast you feel faint.

Honestly, you might pass out right now.

Lee's already distracted, animatedly discussing the next upcoming prank with almost concerning fervour. Fred absentmindedly fiddles with the hem of your t-shirt as he listens.

Godric, you're burning up.

You can feel George's eyes on you. You know what he wants to say – can picture it right down to the pitying look in his eyes. He's always been the more observant twin.

You don't want to hear it.

Fred won't let go no matter how much you fidget. You pick at your nails until red pools at the edges of your cuticles. The sting prickles at your eyes.

"Hey." Fred's attention snaps to you suddenly. "What's the matter, lovie? You feeling alright?"

Fucking hell. He must be doing it on purpose, surely. Your throat burns.

"Nothing," you croak. "I'm okay."

It's just convincing enough for him to leave it, though you're half sure you'll be questioned later.

He smears a kiss to the crown of your head before he stands and it almost finishes you off.

That boy is going to be the death of you.

[retrobutterflies]

Love a group masterlist ◡̈

THEODORE NOTT

╰┈➤ 18+ none of these stories belong to me! this is a masterlist of all theodore nott stories i’ve read and reblogged! just thought it would be nice to have them all in one spot! (if your fic is on here and you wish not to be, please let me know!) <3

MASTERLIST • SLYTHERIN BOYS • THE MARAUDERS • 07/24/24

@angelfic ✰ the way i loved you in which theodore nott will do anything to get you to go out with him, but you’re just as stubborn rejecting him

@obsessedwithceleste ✰ lessons in love Ft. Enzo being bad at potions, the Ravenclaw common room door, and more than one accidental love confession. ✰ all’s fair in love and quidditch All’s fair in love and quidditch. At least until Matteo’s poorly aimed bludger knocks you off of your broom. ✰ theodore nott and the fortress of trust issues Theodore Nott had never been able to cast a patronus. In third year, when dementors were swarming the castle, of course he tried, but was never able to manage more than a whisp of soft silver. Come seventh year, he was painfully unsurprised when his efforts were once again lack luster. Turns out, with the right tutor, casting the formidable charm might not be as impossible as he thought.

✰ til it’s gone It seemed like they’d always been there. An ever-growing thorn in Theodore’s side. He really didn’t realize what he’d had until it was gone. ✰ mother brother knows best In which Theodore is no match for the sheer determination of a twelve year old fueled by sugar, pumpkin juice, and spite. ✰ fighting fate soulmate!au in which everyone sees in black and white until they meet their soulmate. Bold of fate to assume it can tell you what to do.

@ahqkas ✰ jealously an unexpected situation catches you off guard in the heart of florence and your boyfriend reveals a side of him you’ve never seen before ✰ practice makes it better struggling with the local slang, you feel out of place until you meet theodore nott, the silent slytherin ✰ dealer smoking had never interested you before but when the local dealer catches your eye, you might get the experience of a professional

deactivated account ✰ the odds of affection where theodore is grumpy and quiet and when the slytherin’s take note of how he always gives reader forehead kisses, they’re rather shocked.

@luv4freddie ✰ fools in which the only Hufflepuff friend in the group of slytherins develops a crush on Theodore Nott— something only fools do.

@theostrophywife ✰ shut up kiss me ✰ written in the stars

@caramelcal ✰ lovebites and potions

@kaciebello ✰ not even the addressee When Theodore's name gets misspelled he's not happy about it.

@frost-queen ✰ the sirens task

@spectorgram ✰ the letter you get a letter from a secret admirer who wants to confess. your best friend is none too pleased. ✰ eyes wide open you discover that there is so much more to theodore nott than you thought. 

@amourane ✰ flustered and blushing in which you're a flustered mess around theo nott and he absolutely adores it. ✰ why can’t we love freely you're tired of being a secret and it was time to let theo know. ✰ so this is love there's a weird feeling that erupts in theo's chest whenever he looks at you and for the first time in his life his mind goes silent. ✰ down the rabbit hole in which it's blatantly obvious that theodore nott has fallen down the rabbit hole of love.

@retrobutterflies ✰ little dragon You are not a fan of one of his admirers and he thinks you are a pretty idiot.

@dreamcubed ✰ i think he knows you had fancied the mysteriously quiet slytherin boy for as long as you could remember (since first year), and, quite frankly, your best friend was sick of you going on about it without ever making a move ✰ you need to calm down after returning to hogwarts for a subsidiary 8th year to make up for the loss of 7th year due to the war, you are a completely different person, and muggle-born-hating theo finds himself obsessed with you

@mrsmikaelsxn ✰ tired you were theo's childhood best friend and he waits for a time when you will love him back

@distantdarlings ✰ try that again Pansy finds out that a group of Gryffindor girls has had a lot to say about you and your relationship with Theodore Nott. They think you won’t do anything about it, but you prove them wrong. ✰ house pride Theo is pissed that you seem to be interested in other guys. The two of you are not officially dating so you find it ridiculous that you can't talk to whomever you want. You have feelings for Theo, though, and think it might be interesting to put his jealousy to the test. ✰ by the fireplace You have been an Animagus for around a year now. You have quite a knack for learning everything you need to know about it quickly and Professor McGonagall really likes you. However, a fellow classmate, Theodore Nott, does not like you. And you couldn't care less. Both of you are in for a surprise when you accidentally meet in the library.

@darkmagic-s ✰ one star rating of dirty talking Sexting through note passing, one of Theodore's favourite ways to bother you.

@lexamiele ✰ you understand Hogwarts students aren't exactly known for minding their own business. Thankfully, you and Theo speak a language they don't.

@cassiopeiasdaughter ✰ august Theo asks you to be his fake-girlfriend but you understand the assignment a little too well. ✰ gold rush loving Theo in secret was not something you had ever planned ✰ invisible string you get married in the middle of the night during the war

@battinscn ✰ i could never not love you theodore nott is a self sabotaging selfish bastard. he jumps to conclusions too quickly and is too hot headed for his own good. you never thought you would ever be one to experience it first hand. yet, despite it all, you could never find it in you to truly hate him. ✰ i hate you tate has a very special lucky broom he relies on for every match. when you accidentally step on it, he loses his temper. ✰ trust me theodore’s always had a hard time trusting other. but you would think being his girlfriend that he would have some faith in you. turns out you were terrible wrong and one day, you had finally reached your limit. ✰ missing you theodore’s job takes him away from you a lot and hi here understanding for the most part. but after countless broken promises, you had enough.

@yoursecrett ✰ his hufflepuff You were known as the sweetest Hufflepuff at Hogwarts, from tutoring students to being Madam Pomfrey's helper, you were constantly busy you liked it that way... Theodore Nott - The Slytherin Prefect, you had caught his attention, and everyone knows Theodore Nott never gives up on something or someone he wants.

@0luv9 ✰ sugar rose Fool in love, bright like silver, shinning for everyone to see. Life has never been this good for Theo and he'll go out of his way to keep it that way. Or Theodore being utterly and unapologetically in love with you.

@weasleyreidstyles ✰ between the shelves

@magiclostinfantasy ✰ blind date Y/N and Theo's friends set them up on a blind date, not knowing they've secretly been dating.

@wordsarelife ✰ karma karma is the way you wear his jersey, making sure his team will lose the game

@gemissleeping ✰ moonlight and masks Newly turned Death Eater Theodore Nott is tasked with hunting down Harry Potter and the Order Operative protecting him. Only to discover the person he hunts happens to be the one he loves.

@aemondsi ✰ anything for you in a universe where voldemort won, you and theo risk everything.

@writingsbychlo ✰ nonsense you got that holiday glee from your true love.

@sunshinelollipopsicle ✰ secret notes theodore and you begin leaving notes for each other, you knowing it's him but him unaware it's you, and eventually, you agree to meet in person

@thestarsarebrightertonight ✰ dreaming of saturn theodore nott seems so out of reach to most people yet you have him right in your arms ✰ cinnamon girl everyone knows you have a crush on theo , even he knows! so when you randomly start avoiding him one day , theodore cant help but go crazy.

@crimsntwlip ✰ seeker

@puffleyia ✰ clandestine Mattheo can not seem to place his finger on what exactly you have been keeping from him. He confides in his best friend, Theo, though he ends up cutting the conversation short due to some urgent matters. (aka, you)

@vintagebishx ✰ for the first time in which, the usual womaniser finds himself in love with a girl who doesn’t even know his name…

@papercorgiworld ✰ no smoke, only love in the air When the guys notice that you don’t like their smoking habit they quit, but dealing with the withdrawal has your boyfriend constantly needy for a kiss.  ✰ pansys interrogation Weird behaviour and rumours have Pansy asking questions and figuring out who the guys are crushing on. ✰ theo The things Theodore Nott does for love.

@rainyreading ✰ babysitting

deactivated account ✰ the only heaven i’ll be sent to (is when i’m alone with you) Best friends get dared to play seven minutes in heaven but they just sit and talk the whole time and somehow manage to admit their feelings for each other ✰ our secrets are buried where they go on a double date with separate dates but they spend the whole time flirting with each other

[retrobutterflies]

So cute, a little Italian sweet treat. I love their shy connection and his poetic words 🤍

Romance Languages

Middle image from mewwons on Pinterest here, others mine

Theodore Nott x Reader

Word count: approx. 4.5k

Summary: You and Theodore Nott have a little weekly ritual that you’ve always enjoyed. There’s definitely not any meaning to it, no matter what Pansy Parkinson says.

Warnings/be aware: she/her reader, Ravenclaw reader, Italian!Theo, google translate Italian, use of Y/N, slight time skip, fluff fluff fluffiest fluff

A/N: This is so cheesy and fun, I had an amazing time writing it.

There are some places where I didn't translate the Italian for the sake of not spoiling the story, but all will be clear in good time :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a sort of rhythm to your Fridays at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry that you’d become quite fond of as a sixth-year.

            First, you had Transfiguration, one of the most difficult classes on your schedule (rivaled only by Ancient Runes), but also one of the most rewarding. Then you had Care of Magical Creatures with Hagrid, another course you enjoyed. You loved being able to get outside during the day and interact with the creatures of the forest while learning more about them. After lunch was your final class of the day and your absolute favorite, double Charms. Professor Flitwick was your Head of House and one of the kindest people you knew. The two of you had bonded during your first year when you’d been bullied by some third-years and he’d been a mentor to you ever since. You'd also grown to become a strong student of the subject itself. At the end of the previous year, you’d scored an O on your Charms OWL and when you’d returned to the class for your NEWT level, he’d quietly let you know that you’d earned one of the highest scores in your year. The Charms classroom was your comfort zone, your favorite place to retreat to after a long day.

            You also enjoyed your last class of the day because many of your friends had decided to take NEWT Charms as well. Each day, you sat next to your best friend, Padma Patil, and in front of two Slytherin girls who were quickly growing on you, Pansy Parkinson and Daphne Greengrass. Though the Slytherins usually kept to themselves, you and Pansy had bonded after being named Potions partners the previous year and remained friends, sharing notes for your classes and the occasional tidbits about Hogwarts romances and parties. Pansy's approval had been enough to persuade Daphne of your likeability, and you'd made another friend.

            After greeting Professor Flitwick and setting your books down near Padma, Pansy, and Daphne, you came to the next part of your Friday routine. Theo Nott, a dark-haired popular boy with an angular face and mischievous eyes, approached your desk as usual. He was the dream guy of half the Hogwarts population, and you could see why. Though you’d never admit it, his attention definitely made you a little flustered.

            “Buon pomeriggio, belissima.” He wore a confident little smirk as you giggled, your afternoon ritual familiar.

            “Hi, Theo.” You smiled at him and he winked before returning to his seat near the back of the classroom with the other boys from Slytherin. Before every Charms class since the end of the previous year, Theo Nott had greeted you by saying something random in Italian. You had no clue what any of it meant or how it had started, but you weren’t complaining. The first time you’d encountered Theo outside of sharing classes with the Slytherins was when you and Pansy had started hanging out together. The two of you had a few conversations about Quidditch and music, and you were able to detect his southern European accent, but you’d never known that he could speak Italian until one random day in fifth-year Charms when he’d approached you before class.

            “Vorresti venire a cena con me?” Theo murmured. His eyes were oddly soft – he looked more gentle than you’d ever seen him.

            You laughed. “What the heck does that mean?” His subtle expression quickly became a smirk, his eyes sparkling.

            “That’s for me to know, and you to, well…” He strode back over to the other side of the classroom, as elusive as ever.

            It became a pattern between the two of you, him greeting you with some random phrase in a language you didn’t understand and you laughing it off, saying hello to him in English. You’d wondered if he would stop after the end of your fifth year, but when he’d spotted you in NEWT Charms, he’d immediately resumed the ritual. You were glad, and not just because he was paying attention to you. It felt like you could see another side of him when he spoke his first language, like he was letting you in on a different part of himself.

             As you sat down after your brief conversation with Theo, Padma raised her eyebrows at you playfully.

            “Oh, hush.” You laughed, shoving her playfully as you rolled her eyes. You knew what she was going to say before she said it.

            “You’ve got to jump on that, are you kidding?” She shook her head, her thick ebony ponytail swishing back and forth behind her. “He’s so hot and you have an opening!”

            “I do not ‘have an opening,’ Padma.” You grinned exasperatedly. “Besides, you need to be quiet. You’ll only inflate his ego if he hears you.”

            “If only I had your self-restraint. If Theo Nott talked to me…”

            “If he came up to you and said a bunch of random words to you in a language you don’t understand, I’m sure you’d be just as confused as I am.”

            “What does it matter what language he’s speaking?” She threw her hands up in the air dramatically. “He’s attractive in all of them.” You sighed, laughing softly to yourself. As much as you loved Padma, she had no idea what she was talking about. Theo could have any girl he wanted, you definitely weren’t going to ‘have an opening’ with him anytime soon.

            Professor Flitwick began the lesson and you attentively followed his demonstration as he walked the class through drills of the Extinguishing Spell. You soon mastered the technique and Flitwick instructed you to walk around the classroom and help others as they sought to extinguish the fire that he’d conjured. As you finished correcting Dean Thomas’s aim, you glanced around the room and saw that Hermione had also been employed to help, along with Theo. Your eyes locked with his as he turned in your direction and you felt your face flush as you looked away quickly.

            “Impressive, bella.” He raised his eyebrows as his path crossed yours. You rolled your eyes playfully at his need to throw in a little Italian for good measure.

            “Thanks,” you replied politely. You smiled at him, though you found yourself unable to meet his eyes. Internally shaking your head at your own easily flustered nature, you walked away quickly.

            After Megan Jones’s spell backfired and her flame got a bit out of hand, Professor Flitwick brought the drills to an end and began the second half of class, a lecture on nonverbal spells theory. You and Padma split a bag of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans as the two of you took notes. The lecture was fascinating and you scarcely noticed time passing until you ran out of Every Flavor Beans. It wasn’t long before Flitwick called the class to a close and you packed up your things. As you and Padma left the classroom, the two of you fell into conversation with Pansy and Daphne, discussing the all-too public snog that Daphne had witnessed between Ron Weasley and Lavender Brown in the Astronomy corridor the evening before.

            “I didn’t even know they were seeing each other!” Padma remarked in surprise. “I feel sorry for her, honestly. Weasley’s a bore.”

            “Well, there were a lot of words for what they were doing, but ‘boring’ certainly wasn’t one of them,” Daphne drawled, grimacing. “It was so – “

            “Ciao, bella ragazza,” a deep voice interrupted. You turned to see Theo smirking at you and throwing you a nod as he walked past, keeping pace with Mattheo Riddle and Blaise Zabini next to him.

            “Bye, Theo.” You shook your head, grinning slightly as you waved to him. Turning back to the girls, you chuckled softly to yourself. “He’s ridiculous.”

            “Haven’t you ever wondered what he’s saying?” Pansy asked suddenly. You raised your eyebrows in surprise.

            “I guess. I don’t know, he’s just saying random stuff, right?” You shrugged. “Besides, I’m not sure I could figure it out if I tried. ‘Ciao’ is literally the only word I know, and Hogwarts doesn’t exactly keep a strong collection of Italian-to-English dictionaries.”

            “But Tomes and Scrolls has a languages collection,” Pansy countered. Daphne suddenly glanced at her, shooting her a look that you couldn’t decipher, and Pansy shook her head. “Tomorrow’s a Hogsmeade trip. You should take a look.” You furrowed your eyebrows.

            “Okay, I guess I will.” You wondered why she was so insistent about it – she’d never indicated that Theo’s assorted ramblings might be of importance before. But with your curiosity sparked, you resolved to stop by Tomes and Scrolls the next day.

            The next week, with a few books on Italian language safely tucked inside your trunk in Ravenclaw Tower, you listened carefully to the words coming from Theo’s mouth as Charms class began.

            “Tutti gli oceani del mondo non potrebbero rivaleggiare con la tua bellezza.” He shot you the same confident look as usual and you smiled back, repeating the phrase to yourself in your mind.

            “Good to see you too, Theo.” As soon as he returned to the back of the classroom, you hastily wrote everything you could remember in the margins of your parchment to reference later. Then you did your best to put it all out of your mind so that you could focus on the Charms lesson. Though you were sure that whatever the sentence meant would disappoint Pansy’s curiosity, you couldn’t help but feel a slightly intrigued as well.

            “Did you manage to get it down?” Padma hissed, glancing at your parchment as you labeled it for note-taking. You nodded.

            “Don’t get your hopes up, though.” You leaned over to whisper in your best friend’s ear. “It’s probably nothing interesting.” You paused, studying the foreign words. “If it turns out he’s been insulting me all this time, I’m gonna flip.”

            After Charms concluded, you returned to your dormitory and retrieved your new purchases from Tomes and Scrolls. Locating a particularly secluded section of the Ravenclaw common room, you sat down and began to flip through the books until you found a section with direct word translations. Painstakingly, you started with the first word and began to hunt for its meaning.

            “Tutti gli oceani del mondo – all the oceans of the world.” Your whispers to yourself cut through the silence as you studied the words. Why on Earth was Theo talking about oceans? Maybe the books were wrong. Nonetheless, you continued, trying to trust the process.

“Tutti gli oceani del mondo non potrebbero rivaleggiare con – all the oceans of the world could not rival.” What? You must’ve written something down wrong, you figured, because the words still didn’t make any sense together. Either that or you’d been right all along and Theo had just been talking nonsense for the heck of it. Maybe he thought it was funny. Out of curiosity, you searched for the last three words you’d written down.

La tua – together, they meant something like “your,” but didn’t help make the sentence any more coherent. What could oceans not rival you in? Doing magic? Eating popcorn? Rolling your eyes, you searched for the next word.

Bellezza – beauty. Huh.

“All the oceans of the world could not rival your beauty.” You stared at the sentence that had appeared on your parchment with wide eyes. It wasn’t an insult – far from it. It was actually one of the most lovely and poetic compliments you’d ever received, and you couldn’t help but let the sound of his voice echo in your head as he said them. Your lips parted in silent surprise.

            Your mind raced. Was this right? Were you even reading correctly? Was this some kind of joke or did he really mean…but how could he? He was one of the most handsome, popular guys in your year, there was no way he wouldn’t just ask you out if he really thought those things. Rejection wasn't exactly something he needed to worry about.

            Closing the book in front of you, you realized that there was only one person who could answer all your questions. As you stood, you took your piece of parchment in your hand and resolved to go find Pansy.

            Thankfully, locating Pansy didn’t require much searching. You found her sitting in the library, leaned back and filing her nails while Daphne studied across from her and Draco mumbled about something or other, his lip curled in distaste. She turned slowly at the sound of your approach, but the moment she saw your expression she sat up, interrupting Draco with haste.

            “Get, Malfoy.” She waved her hand in a shooing motion. Though Draco frowned, glancing at the two of you in confusion, he gathered up his books and stepped away from the table.

            “He didn’t have to leave.” You guiltily watched Draco sit down at another table by himself.

            “He did if we’re going to talk about what I think we’re going to talk about,” Pansy declared. “Can’t keep a secret to save his life.” She focused in on you, her expression intense. “Did you do your research?”

            “Did you know what he was saying all this time?”

            “I had my suspicions.” She paused as you pulled out a chair and sat down in Draco’s former spot. “What was this one, exactly?” Your cheeks turned pink as you handed her the parchment and her eyebrows shot up. Her curiosity piqued, Daphne sat down her quill and leaned over to look also.

            “Wow, Nott’s got more game than I thought,” Daphne said with a grin. She looked you up and down playfully. “You’re a lucky girl.”

            “But there’s no way he actually means that, right?” Both Pansy and Daphne met you with skeptical glances. “I mean, if he felt that way why wouldn’t he just ask me out?” Pansy laughed under her breath, shaking her head slightly before leaning towards you over the table.

            “Look.” Her focused expression held your attention. “What you have to understand is that Nott being popular is basically an accidental byproduct of him being really good at Quidditch and really hot. Objectively, of course. That’s not my arena.” She cleared her throat and you laughed softly. “He’s learned how to talk the talk when he wants to look cool – mostly thanks to Riddle’s terrible influence – but he’s actually kind of quiet. Reads a lot. He doesn’t really know how to put himself out there, and with the way that girls throw themselves at him, he’s never really had to.  That is, until...” She nodded in your direction.

            “Theo…Theo likes me?”

            “He hasn’t told me anything, but the way he looks at you?” She let out a breathy little chuckle, crossing her arms as she leaned back in her chair. “He’s down bad.” Your whole face turned warm.

            “Pans!” Daphne gave her friend a light smack on the arm. “And you call Draco a blabbermouth.”

            “What? If I don’t get this ball rolling, no one will. He was hitting on her in a language she doesn’t even understand!”

            “What should I do, though?” you interrupted. “I mean, I can’t just pretend that I still have no clue what he’s getting at.”

            "Then don't." Pansy looked you up and down frankly. "You've got all those language books now. Use your resources."

            You arrived to Charms the next Friday with a nervous flutter in your stomach, repeating unfamiliar words in your head. As you entered the classroom, you glanced around, nearly forgetting to wave to Professor Flitwick before you sat down. Theo hadn’t arrived yet, and neither had Daphne or Pansy. However, Padma was waiting for you, eyeing you excitedly. You’d filled her in on your discoveries after talking to Pansy, and she was thrilled (if not a little smug that she had, in fact, told you so).

            “Hello, gorgeous!” Your best friend greeted you, beaming as she pulled her knee up to her chest. “See, I’m doing my best Nott impression.” You shook your head lovingly.

            “Hi, Padma. I do believe you’d have to learn Italian to accomplish that effect.” You sat down, letting your bag fall to your side with a loud smack. “Merlin, Transfiguration was difficult today.”

            “Glad I dropped it!” she replied cheerfully. “Divination was cake.”

            “That’s because all you lot do in that class is stare into crystal balls and spout nonsense.”

            “That’s all Transfiguration is too!” Padma protested. “Except you actually have to remember the nonsense, and occasionally the nonsense comes back into play when you have to turn a porcupine into a pincushion.”

            “Well that’s – “ You were about to launch into your defense of Transfiguration when a deep voice interrupted you.

            “È una bellissima giornata ora che sei qui, dolcezza.” Theo Nott stepped into your field of vision, a textbook in hand, grinning down at you. Once again, you had no idea what he was saying, but you were prepared this time. Well, here goes nothing.

            “Puoi semplicemente flirtare con me in inglese, lo sai.” You smirked back at him, trying to give off an air of confidence even though you weren’t entirely sure that the words coming out of your mouth were correct. (You can flirt with me in English, you know)

            The book in his hands hit the floor with a resounding smack.

            He stared at you for what felt like an eternity. A wave of nerves began to overtake you – what if your translation was wrong? Had you accidentally said something embarrassing? Was Pansy completely wrong about the way that he felt about you? As you looked back at him, you saw that his cheeks were completely flushed. He swallowed hard, then hurried away to the back of the classroom.

            “Well, that could’ve gone better,” you whispered indirectly at Padma. You turned in hopes of having an emergency conference with Pansy and Daphne, but Professor Flitwick quickly interrupted you as he cleared his throat, signaling the start of class.

            “Good afternoon, everyone, today we’ll be continuing on with nonverbal spells theory, then spending the end of class on review.” He stepped forward and the stray book at the front of the room caught his eye. With a frown, he waved his wand and sent it flying toward its owner. You turned around reflexively and saw Theo staring in your direction as he placed his book back on his desk, still looking shaken. Hastily, you whipped back around. “Do try to keep your textbook at your own seat, Mr. Nott.” You heard a few students laugh as you withdrew your parchment and your quill from your bag.

            That day might’ve been the only day you’d ever been eager for a Charms class to end. With your thoughts an endless swirl in your mind and your stomach turning with anxiety, you could hardly concentrate on the lesson. You felt guilty, as though you were betraying your favorite professor, when you realized that you’d been utterly distracted for nearly fifteen minutes and completely lost track of the lecture. Resolving to take detailed notes to keep yourself attentive, you began to write determinedly. But even the words written by your own hand began to make little sense to you as worry consumed your focus.

            “Miss Y/L/N, can you remind us of the effect produced by the Reductor Curse?”

            You snapped back to reality at the sound of Professor Flitwick calling on you. “Um, pardon?” He frowned.

            “The Reductor Curse, Miss Y/L/N.”

            “Oh, Reducto.”

            “Right,” Professor Flitwick said slowly. “That is the incantation, but what is the effect?”

            “Oh, um, destroys solid objects.”

            “That’s correct.” He gave you one last troubled look before turning to the other side of the classroom. “And who can tell me, what is the color of the spell?” You raised your hand, hoping to assure him of your attentiveness, but he didn’t even look in your direction as he called on Lorenzo Berkshire instead.

            Finally, class concluded. You were ready to hurry out the door with the hopes of catching Theo – you needed to apologize for whatever you’d done. However, as you packed your things, you lifted your head to see Professor Flitwick standing before you.

            “Miss Y/L/N, could I speak to you for a moment?” Your stomach dropped.

            “Of course, Professor,” you replied quickly, following him to a quiet corner of the classroom as your friends left.

            “I couldn’t help but notice that you were a bit distracted in class today.” His voice was gentle and respectful, but that made you feel even guiltier to have let him down.

            “Yes, Professor. I’m so sorry, it won’t happen again.”

            “I know that it won’t, Miss Y/L/N, I know you.” He nodded solemnly. “I did not ask you to stay after class so that I could scold you. As your Head of House, I simply want to make sure that you are alright. I know that you faced some challenges in your earlier days at Hogwarts.”

            “I’m okay.” You let out a heavy breath.

            “Are you sure, Miss Y/L/N? No one trying to make your life difficult?” You shook your head.

            “No, nothing like that. Just…something didn’t go the way I planned, that’s all.”

            “Ah.” His eyes grew distant. “Yes, the best-laid plans of mice and men do often go awry, as the Muggles say. Oddly, I've found that some of my most errant plans have had the best outcomes." The warm smile on his face brought you a slight reassurance. "Do let me know if you need someone to speak with.”

            “Of course,” you affirmed with a polite smile. “Thank you, Professor.”

            “You’re very welcome. Now, best get going. I do believe that you have a friend waiting for you.” He gestured toward the back of the classroom and you turned to see Theo standing in the doorway. You froze, your heart dropping in your chest.

            “Um, right.” Smoothing your uniform skirt, you quickly attempted to regain your composure. “Great talking to you.”

            “And you as well. Have a lovely evening.”

            “You too!”

            Your heart thundered as you scooped up your school bag and walked towards the door – and Theo.

            “Um, hi.” You bit your lip worriedly as you looked up at him. “Thank you for waiting for me.”

            “Of course, bella.” He froze, seeming to catch himself in the habit. “I…did not realize that you were familiar with the Italian language.”

            You shook your head hesitantly. “Actually, that one sentence is really all I’ve got.” You saw him relax slightly. He stepped away from the doorway and you followed him out of the classroom.

            “Where’d you learn that?” His grey eyes flashed with intrigue as he looked down at you.

            “Oh, that? That was the power of Pansy Parkinson and an English-to-Italian dictionary.”

            Theo grimaced. “Parkinson! I’m going to…” He trailed off, letting out a sigh. “Meddler.”

            “I meant what I said earlier,” you began softly. “Or at least what I thought I said, anyway. You can flirt with me in English.” You glanced up at him hesitantly. “I don’t mind.”

            “English is not a very romantic language.” You blushed as he gave you a playful grin. “I apologize if I frightened you, bella.” His voice grew sincere. “It was not my best moment.”

            “I was going to say the same thing,” you admitted. “I’m sorry if I scared you, or if it was all too sudden, or – “ He interrupted you, shaking his head adamantly.

            “No, dolcezza.” He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “It was time. I should have…I should have told you long ago.”

            “Told me what?” Your eyes connected with his, stopping him in his tracks.

            “Well, if you know now, what I’ve been saying – surely you must have figured, the way I feel about you.” You froze, surprised at his candid admission.

“Well, to be honest, I still don’t understand most of it.” Theo let out a little laugh. “But the parts I figured out…Theo, that’s some of the sweetest stuff anyone has ever said to me.” You gave him a little smile and your stomach fluttered when you realized that his cheeks were turning pink. It was adorable. “Why wouldn’t you want me to know?”

“It’s so embarrassing.” He chuckled bashfully, running a hand through his hair as he looked at the ground.

            “Hey, my attempts at mastering the Italian language were pretty embarrassing.”

            “You did well, bella.” His voice was so strained that you nearly laughed out loud. You raised your eyebrows skeptically. “Okay, so that is not how you say the words. At all.” You burst into laughter and he did the same, in spite of himself. He had a beautiful laugh, deep and clear and joyful, and when it was gone you longed for more.

            “It’s okay,” you said with a giggle. “You can tell me it was bad.”

            “It was…well, it was very cute.” He looked down at you with hesitant eyes and you blushed, grinning softly. “Even though you are not so good yet.”

            “Well, maybe I’ll learn better if you tell me more about what you’ve been saying all this time.” You smiled back, nervousness fluttering in your chest.

            He let out a sigh, leaning his head back in resignation before looking back at you. “I suppose so.” He ran a hand through his hair again and you observed with amusement how his curls immediately flopped back in his face. “Well…you see, Mattheo and Blaise, they have a very unfortunate sense of humor. Last year, they decided it would be really funny to…to dare me to ask you out.”

            You shifted uncomfortably on your feet. “So – this was a dare?”

            Theo’s eyes widened. “No! I mean, yes,” he corrected, “But they dared me because…well, they could see how I felt about you. That you made me nervous. They thought it was really funny.” Your stomach flipped as your eyes met his. “I thought for a few days that I would just do it, but then I saw you, and – “ He shook his head. “So I asked you out in Italian.”

            “So that’s what you said the first time?” He nodded sheepishly. “Theo, that’s really sweet.” His eyes brightened and you realized just how close he was to you as your words got caught in your throat. “Theo?”

            “Hmm?”

            “You could always…ask me again.” You looked at him hopefully and his face split into an adorable grin as he took your hands in his. “I’m sure it would help with the language acquisition skills, after all,” you teased. He chuckled.

            “Merlin knows you need it.” Your mouth fell open in mock surprise and you shook your head playfully.

            “So rude.”

            His eyes softened as he watched you, and your heart thundered inside your chest as he ran his thumb over your knuckles, making your skin tingle as his grey gaze held you captive.

            “Vorresti venire a cena con me?” The smooth sound of his voice washed over you as you stood on your tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek. (Will you go out to dinner with me?)

            “Si.”

[retrobutterflies]

Navigation // retrobutterflies

Welcome to my page :) I write when the wind tells me to (inconsistently and erratically).

Please see my masterlists here:

Stranger Things Masterlist

Theodore Nott Masterlist

Billie Eilish Masterlist

If you have thoughts, questions, writing suggestions, or gossip please let me know.