rethala

[rethala]

[rethala]

[rethala]

don't use "ftm" it's outdated and offensive. it implies that the trans person was their agab, which we never were. i was always a boy, never a girl who became a boy.

i'm 35 years old. i've been IDing as trans or something similar to trans for nearly 20 years. i was probably calling myself FTM while you were playing tag during recess, anon.

i WAS a girl. i IDed as a girl early in my life. i recognized myself as a girl, called myself a girl, lived as a girl, and was a girl. who then IDed as a man. hence, F t M.

spend more time worrying about yourself instead of strangers on the internet, anon.

sorry not sorry if this comes off as needlessly hostile, but i've been getting a lot of shit from a lot of teenage trans kids about the language i use to describe my own goddamn experience, and i'm growing real fuckin weary of it.

i have elder trans friends who call themselves transsexuals and transvestites and trannies. are you going to seriously go to a 60-year-old trans person who survived the reagan years and tell her she's not allowed to use certain language to describe herself because it might offend the delicate sensibilities of some teenager on the internet?

do yourself a favor and log off, find some real-life trans people who are over the age of 20 or 25, and spend time talking to them instead of getting all holier-than-thou at random strangers on tumblr.

[rethala]

Suddenly I’m getting followers o~o Is this because I tagged PM Seymour???

Help, I’m scared, there’s people c~c

[rethala]

We really need some pronouns to refer to multiple systems beyond just “I” or “we”… is there a plural-singular pronoun I’m not aware of?

[rethala]

Made a new ref sheet! I’m trying to get into drawing more, but it can be hard to find both the time and the motivation at the same time…

I redrew all of the lines, but the original base is by @_neffertity_ so don’t think I’m too good just yet =P

[rethala]

Have you ever noticed that comic fans will just go along with whatever the fuck they get and go, "Hmm. Sounds about right."

???

Like, just imagine finding someone who knows nothing about Spider-Man and showing them this line (from Wikipedia):

"At the end of "The Return of Hydro-Man" Pt. 2, she returned when the "Ultimate Battle" (analogous to the "Secret Wars") occurred, which was after Spider-Man's wife, Mary Jane's clone, had died off (due to her unstable cell structure which caused her to evaporate). After Spider-Man had won in the battle against evil in the entire three-part Secret Wars episode, this ultimately led to the two-part series finale of the show, Spider Wars, where it is revealed the "Secret Wars" was merely a test for Spider-Man to see how formidable for the "real" challenge he would be when he would have to lead Spider-Men from other dimensions to stop an insane Spider-Man villain known as Spider-Carnage from destroying all of reality."

And that's in a children's show from the 90's! Like seriously, what??

[rethala]

I just found out that JKR wrote a new book, and my watch recorded my reaction! 🤣

[rethala]

New artwork for a random person I met on the bus when I was headed off to get real training for my CDL. I hope they like it, this is completely original this time! Just a touch of looking at how to make a wolf muzzle is all I needed to do. I rotoscoped a picture of them and then made it furry, and as everyone knows, rotoscoping is a legitimate drawing style =P

[rethala]

Drew a new picture for my wife, and yes I tried to do it from a free example this time. I feel like maybe I’m getting better at art, though I still need a pose somewhere to get the proportions right or else it looks like some ungodly abomination…

[rethala]

This is why I like to read “teen fantasy”, even though I haven’t been a teen for 20 years. Incidentally, look up Piers Anthony; he has a series called Xanth with like thirty or fourth books that are light-hearted and magical, and full to the ever loving brim with puns. So many puns… I mean, where else can you find a catapult that is a literal cat with a basket for a tail?

can there be more fun fantasy books for adults? emphasis on fun?

it’s great there are so many stories for young readers about kids and teenagers having adventures and saving the world. I love that! but the desire for magic and wonder doesn’t go away as you age, and I’m tired of this pretense that fantasy geared towards adults has to be dark and gritty and edgy. adults want to escape too! we also want heartwarming stories about magical worlds and grand quests, where characters we relate to save the world and learn important lessons along the way! we want stories that fill us with wonder and hope, stories with happy endings, fantastical worlds that contain more joy and goodness than suffering and cruelty. we still want those stories! give us lighthearted fantasy for adult readers, gosh fuck it

[rethala]

Warning: Long, heavy post ahead

(TL;DR: Depression sucks, but don’t let that stop you. Contains some potentially difficult topics. Viewer discretion advised.)

(Also, I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, or licensed therapist. This is not professional advice, this is personal advice. If you have any questions or concerns, please talk to a professional about them.)

Tomorrow I’m going to California to get my truck so that I can start my new job as a professional driver. Today, while we were taking care of some final errands, my wife told me that she was torn between wanting to spend as much time with me as possible before I’m gone for another 2-4 weeks and trying to spend the time getting used to me not being around while I’m still here so that she can deal with my absence in stages. She said, “I really don’t want to hurt your feelings...”

I know that she has a lot of things going on in her mind right now. Everyone in my house has mild autism, and while we all deal with it in a different way, it means that change is pretty universally difficult, especially when it comes quickly. For her, it’s going to be just as difficult for a few days when she gets to come with me on the truck and spend a month out driving with me. So I told her, “Don’t worry, my feelings are tough, I understand.”

I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve had bad relationships with crazy psycho people. I had one that was really good, but almost killed me when it ended abruptly. And I’ve had my wife. We’ve been married for almost 17 years now, and it’s because we’ve been together for so long that I even feel comfortable having a job where I’m away for weeks at a time. With everything that I’ve dealt with, it’s still a struggle for me to realise that she’ll be here when I get back. I can go drive cross-country for weeks without her and I know that she’ll still be there for me when I get home, but there’s always going to be that little nagging voice in the back of my head that says, “She’ll find someone better while you’re gone, you’re gonna get home to an empty house and a note, blah blah blah.” It’s the same voice that constantly tells me that I’ll never be good enough for anyone, that I’m ugly, stupid, unlikable, unlovable, that I’d be better off dead and the world would be better without me in it. This is what depression is for me. I honestly can’t speak for anyone else’s depression, nor can I say whether what I go through is better or worse than what others do.

But, here’s the thing! I understand my depression! I know exactly what that little voice is. It’s nothing more than a bunch of fucked up brain chemicals, going around and eating up all the dopamine and serotonin and replacing them with sadness. I know that my medicine is probably not strong enough, because I still go through depression on a constant basis, but I also know that I’m strong enough to keep moving through it. Chronic depression is a horror story that nobody deserves to live through, but it still exists, and all we can do is keep pushing forward and fighting. Everyone fights differently, as well. For me, I fight it by remembering what it is and knowing that it exists. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by memories of bad times, and it’s always a struggle to remember anything good or positive that happens in my life. Sometimes I feel like it’s just too hard to get out of bed in the morning, or that it’s just not worth it to go to work and deal with the idiot public. But I do it anyway, because I know that the little voice of depression is wrong. It’s always been wrong, even when it has ammunition.

My first relationship was with a girl who played me like a fiddle, but I kept going back to her because I was in love even though she barely considered me a friend. My first serious relationship was with a person who loved me as much as I loved them, but ultimately found their soulmate when they went to join the military. (I found out about that a month after it happened, because they lost phone service and couldn’t tell me. I called on my birthday, which happens to be the first of the month, and also happened to be the day they got their phone back. They were in the middle of a movie with their new partner.) I had a roommate who cracked and raped me repeatedly until she got pregnant, then tried to use that to get me to leave my wife for her. (“Cracked”, because I don’t think she even realised that it _was_ rape until much later.) I had a girlfriend who claimed to be good with a polyamorous relationship, then went full yandare and tried to destroy my wife’s life to get me. And that’s not even all of it. My depression has plenty of ammo to use against me, and some days I don’t have anything to fight back with except pure stubbornness. Even my marriage has had its ups and downs, and we’ve been through some pretty terrible things together in the two decades we’ve been together. My wife is basically asexual, while I’m a nymphomaniac. That’s caused some bruised feelings more than once, even though it’s something that neither of us can really do anything about. She can’t help it anymore than I can.

But we’ve also weathered through horrible, even terrifying roommates. We’ve endured some of the shittiest “homes” imaginable. We’ve never truly been homeless, but we did live in a tiny RV with one of those horrible roommates for months. Even the house we live in right now is literally falling apart around our ears, as much as we’ve been trying to fix it. We’ve moved so many times that I can’t even count them anymore, lived in four different states, and have always lived paycheque to paycheque for as long as we’ve been together. She has fibromyalgia, EDS, and damaged knees and back, so she can’t hold a “normal” job anymore or even do much around the house without painkillers. I also have EDS and probably fibromyalgia, and I’ve been the primary bread-winner for the house for years because my pain levels aren’t as bad as hers. I’ve suffered with my depression for three-quarters of my life, telling me alternately that I’m not good enough or that I’m only wanted because I can hold a job or that people only want to be around me out of pity. My fight is daily, not weekly or seasonally, not situational or temporary. If I feel happiness, it seems fleeting at best and the memories disappear quickly. If I feel horny, it makes me feel guilty or even ashamed of myself. If I feel joy, I wonder what horrible thing is coming up next, what terrible price am I going to have to pay for it. If someone shows interest in me, I feel afraid of what they’re going to do to me. It colours my relationships with my roommates, my family, and my coworkers. I’m scared to have friends, because I worry that I’ll just get betrayed or forgotten.

Why am I writing all of this, you may ask? Right now, even as I write this post, I’m fighting with my depression. I’m suffering through all of these feelings and emotions at this very moment. But as much as writing my feelings down can be helpful, the main reason for this post is to tell anyone who reads it that I’m still here. I’m still fighting. It may not be much, but some part of me thinks that by writing all of this out online for anyone to see, _maybe_ I can help someone else. Maybe, by showing the world my battles, someone out there will read this and know that they’re not alone in the fight. Maybe there’s a person out there right now who is also suffering, who is fighting their depression and wondering if it’s even worth going on. I hope that if you’re out there, struggling with your feelings of self-doubt, maybe you’ll see this post and think, “Huh, she’s gone through a lot and she’s still here.” I’ve suffered, I’ve cried for days at a time, I’ve even attempted to take my own life. I’ve gone through things that I wouldn’t wish on anyone else, even more than I’ve said here. And I’m still here. I’m still fighting. You might be dealing with the worst time of your life right now. It might even be worse than my life. But I want you to know that you’re still here too. The fact that you’re reading this right now means that you’re still fighting. You are strong. You are valid. You matter to others. If you think that you don’t, just know that you matter to me. You fight the same fight as I do.

“But Rethala, I don’t have depression. I get sad sometimes, but nothing like this!” you might be saying. And that’s fine too. In fact, I’m happy for you! But I’d wager dimes to dollars that you know someone who does. You might not know it, but you do. Chronic depression is insidious, and the people who have it are often extremely good at hiding it. One of the major differences between depression and chronic depression is whether or not the sufferer goes on about their daily lives. With depression, you feel like you just can’t get out of bed in the morning. Nothing seems to make you happy anymore. You can’t eat, or you eat too much. But when you’ve been dealing with it for weeks or months without end, you learn ways to just slog through life. At work, you might pretend to be happy so that nobody knows. When you’re out with friends (if you go out with friends at all), you act like everything is just fine. A lot of people use the phrase “fake it ‘til you make it”. For some people, if you pretend long enough and smile through the pain, you can work through the depression. But others can’t. And often, the only telltale sign of their depression comes when they end their life. “I had no idea they were depressed! This was so sudden!” But there’s one sure fire way to find out: talk. If you’re suffering, don’t suffer in silence. Talk to friends or family or a therapist, anyone. And if you’re not suffering, talk to your friends and family about it anyway. Make sure that they know you’re there for them, and that you want to help if they’re having trouble. Even if they’re not currently having problems, they’ll know that you’re someone they can go to if they do.

To make a long story short (too late!), no matter how hard life is, you’re strong enough to get through it. And if it’s too much, or if it’s going on for too long, please please please talk to a therapist. Trust me, no matter what you’re going through, they’ve probably seen worse, and whether you need medication or just someone to talk it out with, they can help. I’m just a random dragon on the internet, but I believe in you. You can do the thing!

[rethala]

Why is it that my cat doesn’t want to sit with me unless it’s 90 degrees in the room? >,< If I didn’t know better I’d think he’s trying to make sure I get heatstroke...

Which is absolutely ridiculous, if he wanted to kill his mommy he’d do it the old-fashioned way: copious blood-loss.

[rethala]

Art I just drew of Darien. Unfortunately I can’t claim full credit because I had to borrow a pose from another picture, I’m still learning how to draw and I never draw humanoids. I gave up trying to make him full fox, I couldn’t get the muzzle right. I did try my best to copy as little as possible from the original, but I’m definitely not proud that I had to trace anything at all. Next time I’ll try to only reference the picture though, promise! Maybe one day I’ll be able to draw what’s in my head without help... >,<

Here’s the original link so that that person can have all the credit: https://images.app.goo.gl/5te4n8c5wPA89RDG6

[rethala]

Those who drive petrol-powered speed bumps should not brake-check the 80,000 death machine

That is all.

[rethala]

I suppose it might be a good idea to actually put something else on here, considering that I’ve never actually used my tumblr for anything before today. When I meet people I tell them that I’m probably the weirdest person they’ll meet all day, but considering where I’m writing this... So! A little background info might be in order!

I am a trans femme AMAB enby, which already calls me out

I am pansexual, but lean more toward female-minded people

I have been married to the same person for almost 17 years, but I wouldn’t be opposed to a girlfriend if she/they can get along with my wife (and aren’t psychotic)

I’m a pagan, most similar to Wiccan but with my own personal experiences colouring my beliefs

I am not just a furry, but in that special (read: “crazy”) class of furries who has past-life memories of actually being something other than human

I am extremely introverted, mildly autistic, and have only ever worked in public-facing jobs my whole life (I finally just started a job as a professional truck driver, and it’s the first time I haven’t had to worry about whether or not Karen and her litter of crotch-goblins are going to complain to my manager about “that horrible man in a skirt who uses the women’s bathroom”)

I like to be artistic, but complain constantly that my art/writing/whatever is horrible and should never burden the rest of the world with its incompetence

I would love to one day be a VO actrix, in spite of hating my voice, because it can range from mid-alto to contrabass and I’m half-way decent at mimicking certain cartoon characters (I can do a pretty mean Pinky, and I’ve had friends tell me never to do Snarf because it’s too good and they hate him) (If you know anyone who might be interested *coughs in @pmseymourva* let me know, its one of my dreams)

I’ve tried my hand (paw?) at YouTube and Twitch, but I never seem to have enough time to actually get good at either one

I’m a suicide survivor

I have chronic (treated) depression, ADHD, OCD, MPD, body dysmorphic disorder, Ehlers-Danlos disorder, chronic pain, and undiagnosed fibromyalgia (also I can be extremely forgetful)

I’m a rescuer of cats, dogs, ferrets, guinea pigs, and occasionally people

I’m terrified of spiders but love snakes

This is the sixth or seventh time I’ve tried to start an internet presence, but I’m probably not worth your time and/or energy because I’ll likely forget that this website even exists (in fact, if I post more often than every 6 months, it will be the most I’ve ever done)

Feel free to completely ignore me now and pretend that you’ve never heard of me if you worry that my weirdness might rub off on you. On the other hand (paw?), if you don’t mind that I’ll probably only pop up on your feed sporadically at best, then I’ll welcome you to my craziness. If you have any suggestions, questions, harsh criticisms, hateful remarks, or anime recommendations, by all means message me! I assume that tumblr will inform me if I get a comment...

[rethala]

So here’s a thought I had not too long ago that explains a lot to me.

Ever noticed how management doesn’t take notice of you at all until that five seconds where you stop to take a breather? My friends and I call it “manager timing.” (It’s related to “waitstaff timing,” where the person who serves your food waits until the whole table has their mouths full before asking if the food is good.)

I was thinking about this while I was driving, because during my training period we weren’t supposed to have music or anything “distracting,” and my trainer was asleep so I was trying to think of /anything/ to keep myself going. It occurred to me then that humanity is a negative-oriented species. Humans as a whole don’t notice when something is right, because that’s supposed to be “normal.” It’s not until something goes wrong that anyone pays attention. That cashier that’s been working for eight hours a day, five days a week, doing their best to make sure every customer is satisfied and happy? Boring. The one who forgets to put your chap stick in the bag? Scandalous! Did your wait-person make sure your drinks stayed full and that your food arrived on-time? *yawn* Oh, they put the food in front of the wrong person?! Call the manager immediately!

The only time anyone notices good (aka “normal”) behaviour is when either it’s in a situation where horribleness is expected or it’s so perfect that it seems “wrong” to do such a good job. And I just realised as I write this that this is probably why people in the service industries burn out so often. These poor folks are either working their asses off to stand out just a little bit, or they’re jaded and sick of trying any more to get that tiny bit of recognition. I mean, why bother to do anything more than the bare minimum if nobody is going to notice it anyway? Just try not to fuck up and get fired, because that’s all the next employer is gonna see.