resident-calico

[resident-calico]

might have shorter posts here too instead of just long as hell rambles sometimes

[resident-calico]

when i was young, i was undiagnosed but still in SEN (if youre american, SEN is the uk equivalent of IEP). i thought something was very wrong with me but i couldn't know what

i was in social skills classes and it would make me miss lesson time as well as break time sometimes, and i didn't even learn anything other than a gay awakening (i had a crush on this other girl). i'd just miss time, sat in a conservatory room at the octagonal table, with board games about emotions. just over and over. i cannot remember what else happened more than that in those sessions but it just feels like time wasted because it never helped and all it did was eat into my time

as with friends, i rarely had any. there was this one other girl in my class who i was best friends with but she then left at the end of the school year. then i became friends with this other girl in the year/grade below me, but she told me she was going to move across the country after she left the school. since then, i did not have any people i considered friends, but even when i had my best friend i still felt alienated because her best friend was someone else. she'd hang out with her best friend most of the time, i'd just feel extremely jealous

now i am an adult with an autism diagnosis from around 6ish years ago, and even with support i feel like i'm getting stupider, i dont know if its just not enough or i'm too far gone or the dissociation is catching up, but i cannot think or focus at all, and even if i do focus i cant start or work on my coursework without seeing an example to reference off of

i have the exact same problems throughout my life but manifested in different ways and different severities. im meant to be applying for apprenticeships, working on my coursework, but every time i try im just sat there, with a pounding headache, empty thoughts

people who say "i wish i couldnt think" you do not wish you couldnt think, this shit is so disabling for me i cant work on anything even though i want and need to, i used to think this and now i regret it i want to be able to think and process again

it just kills me on the inside how i received "support" all throughout my entire academic life since i was 5 and i've only gotten worse. and im almost done, theres no reason for me to leave because i only have a few months left until im done with full time education. im leaving with a bitter taste in my mouth and constant pain that doesnt leave

[resident-calico]

there is this weird feeling that comes with cutting someone off, and i'm not even talking about the actual cutting off

especially if the person was someone very close to you, who you confided in, shared a lot of things, some things you feel that you shouldn't have shared. someone you dated

and once you cut them off, it feels very permanent, probably because it was. especially since that person as i knew them isn't around anymore, it's like a death of sorts. except not really

i'm one of the kinds of people who believes people die twice; once on their bodily death, and the second on their true death - the last time they are remembered, thought about, or talked about. but in this case, instead of bodily death, it is the social death, the result of them being cut off. the death of what used to be a flourishing, happy, genuine connection

i said "not really" earlier, because no matter what, no matter how long it has been since the death of this connection, i find them in different things. in pictures of two cats together, the colours blue and purple especially pastel, ship art, the experience of watching my friends get into/remain strong in their own relationships, many different kinds of songs. the true death never seems to occur even though i've managed to move on from the initial pain that caused the need for the cut-off

there is a little piece of you everywhere i go, it used to be comforting but nowadays it seems to eat at my mind

[resident-calico]

intro

this is a sideblog where i intend to actually blog. if you know me then you know me. if you found this account by chance and dont know me, just call me by my username (if you know me, still call me by my username here). as for pronouns, i go by any except they/them, this includes it/its and neopronouns

i will not add tags for reach on my posts, however if my posts reach people, i feel that is a good thing. i do not mind my posts being reblogged or replied to if i intend for something i post to actually be seen, that is when i will tag my posts accordingly

i will probably talk about a variety of things here, so ..... have fun i think