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Harry Styles photographed by Hélène Marie Pambrun
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Need someone to talk to
“the ice is getting thinner under me.. and you...”
hello again, old friend. I always wonder what it is that compels me to end up here. it’s certainly not that I've hit a bottom, because that has happened what feels like a handful of times since I've last been here, and nothing was done about it. but alas, we have arrived at this page again, in this bed again, attempting to use the pink hue to calm my nerves, as Professor Vlah so exuberantly told us would happen many months ago. I’m still not buying it.
Something is telling me I'm entering another phase of crippling anxiety. Well, not something.. many things. in fact, so many things that I feel them all at once and can’t even count when I try to how many things there, in fact, are. just one big weight. BIG weight.
I don’t want to make it seem like things are not fine. they are. I had a moment today driving back from work to meet Emma and David for a drink. I envisioned myself through their eyes. (is this a god complex--please come back once that is discovered). what I saw really was positive. Especially because I had just unpacked many insecurities and hardships in David’s life, and I understood. I dont know what I understood, but I just understood. I pictured myself through their eyes and saw someone that was probably easy going all their lives, had good parents, a loving upbringing. partied in college and maybe never learned how to stop completely. has fun dating, is light, is air. never had a problem interacting with people. isn’t afraid. I want to believe this is what they see, anyway. and I want to believe that the reason they see it is because there is truth to some degree. or, at least, because thats what I want to be.
pause-- I hate how much anxiety I have right now for Cait to walk in the door and tell me something that either gives me butterflies or crushes me. I hate this so much. I need to get away from him.
play-- that is how I want to be. thats how I've always wanted to be. mixed in, importantly, with being unmistakably kind, caring, warm. inviting. an invite you don’t want to turn down. I relish in the fact that I might be close to getting there. what I can’t get out of my head, though, is the anxiety. I'm starting to recognize that I definitely don’t handle it well. don’t handle it, period. just feel it. just feel it so dreadfully and then push it away with such a forceful quickness so that I don’t have to feel the dread. but its obviously still there. still giving way to little effects on my body like heart pain,
we’re gonna come back to this tomorrow. got too caught up distracting myself, letting out a long cry, and repressing this anxiety until I inevitably cant sleep tonight.
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Mt. Cook, New Zealand [OC] [4032x3022] - Narostai
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Dear you,
I wrote you a letter and deleted it.
Perhaps it’ll still be there tomorrow
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tats
some quote across that bone on my forearm
moon and beams one on my outer bicep on right arm
owl perked on a branch on my outer arm on left side
popsicle or something cute and stick n poke on my ankle
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Dream of Autumn & Autumn Breeze by Amarate Tansawet
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Oh, my you’ve just got to take a piece of me...
Will I ever not feel this way?
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Anime Town ☔ / Liam Wong / https://www.liamwong.com/#/anime-town/
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