repeatfilms - Tumblr blog

[repeatfilms]

Lately Snapchat makes me wanna peel my skin off with a knife.

[repeatfilms]

Got damn I hope there ain’t any fent in this bud I’m smoking

[repeatfilms]

I just wanna say I am doing a whole lot better than I was 11 days ago. I just wanna say all of my doubt about ego death was bullshit, and I’m already 2 steps ahead of myself with that whole thing. My whole world view before ego death was fucked but I think it’s kind of exactly what I needed. I’m still stuck in the weed rut pretty bad but it feels like it’s harming me less and I’m kind of used to it at this point. Plus I’m not getting irreversibly fucked up every morning like I was back in ye olde days of like probably a couple weeks ago. It feels like I’m on cycles of yin and yang, and the universe is kind of having its way with me. My mental state varies from a state of euphoric blessed enlightenment and dark cesspit of mauled bones beneath a consuming void. I am practicing awareness, and I believe I’m already practiced well enough for my age, though I seek constant improvement. I’m prone to bad karma, so I’m trying to avoid being a little splat as much as possible to create a more spiritually and mentally rounded person. I had a fair few epiphanies about my early life and exactly what happened to me before I would be put into the adoption house. I don’t know if I want to go into it here yet, but all we need to say is Kazakhstan was rough country in 2004. Hot off the heels of borat, these people were drunk and livid as ever and they made some crazy decisions with their children. My parents gave up after 30 days, so that tells you exactly the kind of people they were attempting to be. Anyways, this all led to the conclusion that if there is no spiritual plane of existence, I should definitely be brain dead or amnesiac right now. The voices in my head keep getting more talkative and are starting to develop their own identities and persuasions so it’s a-gonna be a fun one! (A fun life, I mean.) perhaps I’m delusional, but all of my delusions drive me toward the thing I want to succeed at, so I never could see them as a bad thing. Perhaps this is just a live record of a teenage drug user slowly losing his mind over time and years. Who cares though, at least I can write coherently enough to make something out of it. That’s what it’s all about ladies and gentlymen, space ranger over and out!

[repeatfilms]

Today’s technology induced fit of rage was brought to you by: planned obsolescence! e.g FL Studio pretending to not know how to connect to Bluetooth headphones for about 20 minutes followed by loud torturous earrape noises. Very very unpleasant time I just had trying to simply open a program. Error code said something about a rewritten value. Nothing apparently wrong with it, they just didn’t like the fact it was rewritten. When you actually pay attention to the errors they give you for these things you recognize how fickle the technology truly is. There should be some basic standard for how computers are allowed to treat people. Like hey, don’t crash my program 6 thousand different ways and then blast glitchy earrape bullshit in my ears when I’m trying to do something creative. Fuck this 2014 MacBook, it was okay while it functioned properly, (that glorious week and a half) but I think I’m gonna have to dust off this 4 year old gaming pc I built. Even Windows 10 can still connect to headphones properly. Of course I then go post this on my Apple phone. I really want this company out of my life. Don’t you fucking love how they have the balls to capitalize Apple with the autocorrect? Even if it cuts out some contexts where you’re blatantly talking about the fruit it’s still a fuckhead move to make a company that’s associated that heavily with such a common fruit. I don’t even think it’s working, because I still associate the word Apple with the fruit. Resolved this by typing a furious rant into the comment box of the error report I sent to apple. Called the guy reading it a “tech vermin” and told him to shove my money up his “pulsating purple pee hole.” Then I wrote this. Rant over.

[repeatfilms]

Back on my spamblogging shit whaddup yall

[repeatfilms]

Do I post? I think the most.

[repeatfilms]

I was the kid who sat out during tag because it was too competitive

Pics unrelated

[repeatfilms]

how do I stop feeling like the dude that all the rappers are dissing in their music

[repeatfilms]

I feel so lost and full of self pity. I have great potential but i squander it all in my room smoking weed and wasting hours and hours on my phone

I just want an escape

I feel so useless sometimes because I’m indecisive

I want to do drugs with reckless abandon but my brain tells me no

I’m so torn between a life of drugs and spirituality or a life of success and fulfillment

Or could there be a path containing both?

I need to become more disciplined

I need to become a music making machine

I am willing to sell my soul if it means I don’t see myself as a failure every night

I want to explore the farthest, deepest corner of my mind but I also want to be able to flourish and succeed

Do I have enough time as is or are the risks to my development too great?

My identity is torn, my instinct and spiritual self wants to kill it.

I want to become one with the universe

I want to be free

I want to surrender

But I want to know what is right

I want to give up control of my life and let nature take its course

I want to grow into someone who I can respect

I don’t want to compromise success or discipline for hedonistic exploration of the mind

I don’t feel the need for a sense of self

I feel a need to do what is right

I feel that the killing of my ego is necessary because I see myself as shameful and pitiful

I feel that killing my ego would lead to great growth and wiseness

I also feel that allowing myself to be influenceable outside of isolation is dangerous, and that the reconstructive time is best spent in isolation.

Perhaps a bad trip is what I truly need.

The voice of reason shouts “wait!”

The cerebellum pays no mind.

Please tell me this will all be okay in the end.

Please let whatever spirits exist guide me

Does anyone know why not to do acid? It seems that plenty of successful people have done acid and turned out fine, and besides I don’t feel the need to be the best thing ever

When I know the time is right, i will know the correct course of action. I won’t need to think, I will just do. There is no think, there is only do.

I am very hungry

[repeatfilms]

R.A.P Ferreira in the chainmail

First rapper seen wearing chainmail

[repeatfilms]

I like my decisions already decided

[repeatfilms]

Do I really need to be thinking about G**gle as much as I do on a daily basis?

[repeatfilms]

Have you processed time happening?

Time is an emotion that can be felt

Time takes subconscious effort to “feel” like it has been passed

As in

Yes, the time has passed

But has the time been passed?

Has the time that you’ve been experiencing been processed and fully realized by your brain?

[repeatfilms]

Shoutout to my one follower rn I feel like Clancy in da simulator

[repeatfilms]

My true friends are the ones that stuck with me though all this, I’ve been lost in the sauce for too long now.

[repeatfilms]

I need to write again

[repeatfilms]

I am not afraid of death, I’m afraid of what could be in the moments before