reneediesattheend

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Waiting for Kiki

A tide in Black, someone's Odyssey Sharpened sunlight warming my tights What better way to spend Mother's Day Than somewhere in the thin place

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Organizing The Armorie

"She's a bitch" Says my future wife to the speaker

"Chirst" She blurts over a knotted necklace she can't fix

I know these moments seem so small But I am gracious to have them all

--

The squeak of the floorboards The chips in the paint, or how the burners are too hot

We talk of painting the walls Hanging up shelves and plants The idea of years passing by

This little life plays so soft while the smell of sage wafts

I am happy to know here And here to know happy

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Pain on The Antioch

The finding of snails on a walkway crushed & chewed Spat out flat Reminds me of The East Bay Sun

Shining down loveless & bright I poke fun At lesser Goths Who gave up Sooner than I

Would they were A different breed steadier in heat Then probably they would join in tandem

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Star Shine

I want to see the stars again Us laid out in a Forest forever Quiet in a way most city folks can't even imagine - only the sound of bugs, birds, & water

To know peace with my hand in yours. It takes seconds to feel the weight of society slip away. Watching the Sky, shine. A smile on my face, a shooting Star

I wish for nothing I wish for this For us.

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Your Mix

Crouched on the floor, repotting Remixing the soil with new taste Your hands dirty the tape leaving cracks, hissing, & pops a plenty

The planter filled with new kinds Of flowers, succulents, and herbs A chance to record a bit of who We were when the track dropped

The cassette sits fading in the sun Growing on me each time we play It wasn't what I thought it would be, but I'm surprised each season How I come to love it again

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Everything Or Nothing

Chipping away at minutes and moments Hoping to make a something happen Spanging for a different result Something new I guess

It's odd Finding out That all you can really do Is spend your time wisely and pray Pray that all your effort will be worth it

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The Next Right Step

I'm feeling hopeful about this year. Things are kinda in the air. I recently got laid off because of slow business and I'm in a limbo of sorts. There are so many things unfolding as well.

I'm currently going through The Artist's Way with a friend. I'm also doing a sewing workbook and a drawing workbook to improve my skills in both. I've been in this artistic kind of beginner's mindset.

The five year plan is a mess, but for now sewing seems like the direction to go. Maybe getting a tailoring job. It's good work if you can get it.

I'd love one day to start my own brand or do haute couture. Maybe just own my own shop as a small business. I always did want to start a shop with Ariel. Green and Glamour. Part plant shop, part clothing store.

I know that things aren't going to be clear for a while. I know things are going to be in flux for a while. I can't really count on a miracle this time. I feel that if this year is going to be a good one, it will be with my hard work taking the next right step every step of the way.

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Is There A Way?

Those who don't write

Are doomed to stay blocked

Those who don't paint

Won't pick up the brush

Those who don't dance

Will fall without grace

Surely there are things

that must stay stopped

But why would music

not play on -

I can't imagine a fade

Without finding a joy

That does not end

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A God Idealized

For the first time in my life I truly believe God can forgive me. I've done awful things and regretted them deeply. But now I am able to turn these things over to something more powerful than me.

They say we are all children of God. So why shouldn't God, like a real parent, be able to forgive us for making mistakes. Or laugh when we are behaving silly. Or pull us from the rapids when we are in danger. Why can't God give us patience and strength, or guide us when we can't see the way.

They can, and I believe it.

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I was tired today. I've been tired a lot recently. I'm getting tired of being tired. I wish I jumped out of bed. I wish I had a spring in my step. I wish I tackled the day like a football player.

Instead, I roll out of bed, I drag my feet, and I meander into the day. It's exhausting and I feel like it'll never end. I'm hoping I'll figure it out soon.

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Briefest Note

Currently in the middle of figuring out two things.

1. Manufacturing Joy, deciding to be happy, and BLANK

2. Noise keeps me from staying in the present, so how do I tune out noise?

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Even Briefer Note

I'm so thankful to be living in the queerest place in the whole US. A vibrant community of people who I feel incredibly safe around. I love being a femme and knowing I have nothing to fear in this new home of mine.

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Brief Note

I'm realizing that I have been relying quite a lot on my daily reprieve from my drinking to keep me steady. I want to further my program by focusing more on the steps and getting to the 9th step promises so I can feel some relief from my past mistakes and future worries and live more in the now.

From this point on I am focusing solely on the steps till I complete them.

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Meditation - To Contemplate or Not To Contemplate

For the longest time I was convinced that mediation meant buckling down and quieting your mind till it was silent and then just existing there. However, there is such a thing called Contemplative Meditation. An old sponsor of mine mentioned at one of our meetings that the meditation they are talking about in the Big Book is not the kind of meditation fostered in through the East, but instead is an old western practice of turning an idea over and over in one's mind to see if they can hear some knowledge from their higher power.

I've done this in the past without knowing that this was what it was. I simply did it as an exercise to see what it would be like to focus on one thought and see what I could garner. Coming back to it a few years down the road, I want to incorporate it in my daily practice.

So from this point on, I am going to spend a little time each morning asking for knowledge of God's will through a practice of contemplative meditation on an issue related to my day.

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A Little Check In

I'm currently working on getting my morning and night routines in everyday so that I can have solid days every day. It's coming along pretty well so far. I've fallen asleep a few times before doing my nighttime routine, but I've been kind to myself and given myself a break for bing tired.

Slowly, I am adding in habits that will make sense if I want to go into fashion. At the moment, I'm looking for BDR roles in tech as a means of boosting my income and giving me more time to focus on learning fashion. I think if I had a better paying job and could quit my 2nd part-time job, I'd be able to fit more of what I really care about into my day.

--

I feel a lot of shame in being dyslexic, I realize that many things that the average person can do, I can not. Even reading aloud a small email is incredibly difficult, and I feel saddened when I struggle to sound out even the simplest of sentences. It makes me feel really dumb not being able to do that.

--

My back is finally healing and getting better for good. I got a cortisone shot for it, and it's been helping tremendously. I'm going to start working out at some point to help strengthen my core, so I can keep my back from getting injured again. I need to fix my job situation first before I do that, though, that way I have the time to devote to it. Either that or I'll think of a way to squeeze it in.

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Notes From Work

I'm missing the way my brain used to be able to write. It used to just pour out easy. I never had to think about what I wanted to say. I always wanted to say something, anything, all the things constantly and forever.

I'm trying to find the right balance of breath work and quiet patience to have when doing meditation. I noticed I focus a lot on my breath, and it takes me out of it a little bit. I struggle to just sit there and notice. I'm going to try not focusing on breathing a certain way and more on just noticing my breath and what it is doing.

I realized that when I take responsibility for my wrongs and promptly admit them, I face far few consequences. I owned up to missing several weeks of Endear emails and immediately offered an amends of finding time to focus on them asap. I was not even reprimanded, just told to work on it soon.

I would love to find more time to do the things I love like sewing, music, and writing. I know right now I just have to stay focused on being content with what I have. Focusing on getting a better paying job so that I can be less stressed about money. Focusing on finding time to exercise my back, so I don't miss any more work. And focusing on building my new daily habits. I want to rework how I approach my days. To change that mindset of mine from fixed to growth. I know that the only real way to do that is to take action, and not just do the motion of reading books on the subject. I should be reading in preparation of doing the action. Not in place of the action itself.

Finding a better paying job is definitely critical to taking the stress off of my life. I know that if I could seriously start paying down my debt and I would be able to start saving for bigger things and upgrading my life a little bit for me and my partner. I'm gonna do my best to tackle this challenge as my next big move. Mindset matters, so I have to have the right way of thinking about this next step if I want to pull it off.

Bringing God into more of my life is another step I want to take. I want to make sure that I hold space for God at all times. My first reaction when something difficult comes up too should be to pray on it. Pray for guidance, support, and the knowledge of God's will for me at all time.

Taking time to recognize that making mistakes is part of being human and part of growing has been a difficult change in my life as of recently. I'm still terrified of failing and beat myself up tremendously for not being perfect at all times. It's gonna take some time, but I think that it'll slowly become second nature to be okay with failing and knowing that learning from failure is where success comes from.

I want to find time to work on a new writing venture. I really want to write a fantasy novel of some kind. Something big and dramatic with lots of characters and plot lines and stories. I kept saying I would start slowly on it, but I haven't been spending the time on it. Need to make it a part of my day if I can. Find a time and a place for it.

I think I want to get into sales. At least for now. I feel like it could be good for me, and it would be motivating to work on commission. I'd have a concrete reason to try harder and do more. I'm hoping I hear back from the places I applied to. I just think that more money would make me feel less stressed out and be in a better mindset to tackle other things.

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Keeping It Brief

Some days, you fall asleep before you've done everything you've wanted to do today. This is not failure, your body is letting you know it needs rest. Take comfort in the fact that tomorrow you can pursue those goals with even more energy. If you miss a day, get right back on it. Never let one day turn into two.