reneediesattheend

[reneediesattheend]

Why 99% of Bands Never Get To The First Rehearsal

So many people talk about starting a band; it's such a common thing among musicians. Lots of guitarists, bassists, vocalists, drummers, they are all looking for a few friends or friends of friends who they can get together with and make some music. However, if you've ever tried to start a band, you'll know just how hard it is to get from the group chat to the jam sesh. As someone who's been in a band and has tried to start numerous others, I can tell you the 3 biggest reasons why your "next big band" never even picks up their instruments.

Your Friends Don't Actually Want To Start A Band

All your friends talk a big talk about how into music they are and always find ways to critique bands as if they know more about making music than people who make music. So you always get to talking. "What music would you make?" "Who are you inspired by?" "What kinda sound do you wish existed?"

Or maybe you always like to pull out your axe and play some tunes you've been working solo on. They chime in with a few ideas, help with lyrics and chords, and you are really vibing. At the end of an hour or so, you have a pretty cool little tune, and they say it. "Man, we should start a band." But don't fall for it. The second you agree, you've already lost.

You'll ask some friends if they know a bassist or a drummer, and then you'll quickly form a group chat. Soon you'll be talking about what you'll each play and who will be the vocalist (And just wait till we get to who will be the vocalist). Then it'll come, "When do you guys wanna meet up?" Silence. The chat is dead. A few days go by, maybe you send a little check in text. A few more days. A week. And before you know it. The band is dead. You might sometimes get that friend who texts "after some thinking" and feels like it would just be "too big a commitment to make right now." Everyone in the group chat is sighing a huge sigh of relief. Well, everyone but you.

2. Your Friends Don't Know How To Make Music And Don't Want To, Or Are Too Scared To Learn

You've got the group chat sorted, you are naming your instruments, and now you are trying to work out details about things. You keep trying to steer the chat to when you'll meet, but conversation seems to stay on the topic of things like the name, what your sound will be, the name of your first album, the art, your logo, who you'll sign your first deal with, which one of you will be assassinated and which album people will think predicted it. All shit you don't need to know before you've ever even met. You should just get on with it and pick someone's shitty basement with too few electrical plugs and start to jam.

But see, that's the thing. They are trying to avoid getting there. If they can create enough drama and tension before you even meet, you'll all get fed up with each other, and they won't have to show up to the first rehearsal and admit they've only ever read tab and don't know how to make up their own stuff. Now, I'm gonna be soft on this one, since it's not everyone's fault they don't know how to write music. A lot of guitarists got a guitar for Christmas when they were twelve and went online to Ultimateguitar.com and picked out their favorite song and started learning to play it with a picture of some lines and numbers. Hell, I was one of those kids. For a long time. I didn't start writing songs till I was a few years into lessons, and a lot of it was making shit up and googling shit till I had a somewhat cohesive set of chords and a melody that sounds *almost* like a Kimya Dawson song.

A lot of people are musicians. Not a lot of people are songwriters. It's embarrassing to have to admit to all your friends that you just hyped up with talk of starting a band and admit you've got no fucking clue how to make music. But honestly, if they didn't have the courage to stand up and say that, they probably won't have the courage to get up on stage and play, so, kinda a blessing.

3. All Your Friends Wanna Be The Frontman/Lead Vocalist

All your friends wanna be the frontman/lead vocalist So you are all in the group chat, and you've managed to avoid future tripping and are actually talking about who will play what. And then it happens. All four of you say you are capable of doing vocals. This is a lie. One of you wants to be frontman cause that's what they really wanted when they said they wanted to be in a band, one of you thinks they can sing when they really really can't, one of you can't actually play an instrument that well and are hoping they could stumble into being vocalist, and one of you can sing but has no personality. Let's break it down.

That guy who really wants to just be the frontman is attention-seeking enough that they might actually not be a bad choice, personality-wise, and might even be a half-decent singer. However, they will immediately shoot themselves in the foot by throwing a temper tantrum the moment someone backs someone else as vocalist. The guy who can't sing is probably really good at playing an instrument, but will promptly leave the chat the second someone suggests that each person show off their singing capabilities. The one who can't play an instrument that well will suddenly throw a fit when people suggest they should definitely play bass, cause no one else knows it. And the one who can sing will sit in the corner and watch everyone else tear each other apart.

So there you have it. By the time you've punched in everyone's numbers and sent the first text, one or all of these things will be starting to occur and will result in the death of the band before you've even made it to the rehearsal room.

[reneediesattheend]

The Experience

These last two years have been insane. Things are completely different. I wound up in California, jobless, homeless, friendless, an addict. I was living off the little bit of money I got from selling my car. Somehow, I found a place to stay, and ended up in a meeting getting sober. Within my first month of being settled, I found a job doing theatre with kids; a job that I was very qualified to do. I moved into a huge apartment with a queer acquaintance right by the water, where I had received all my furniture for free from another acquaintance. I met the love of my life a month later, and left that job only to find a new one a month later with no issues. I learned sales and fashion from a luxury company, and then after being laid off due to lack of work, I was able to get hired at a witchery shop with in another month (something I only got because of the year of experience doing sales). The shop is even owned by a queer witch of color. To top it all off, I now have the opportunity to sell clothes at a professional level; something I had been dying to do for the last two years. God put before me all the right steps I needed to get to this point. Everything has lined up perfectly to get me here. I still have time for friends, my commute is cut in half, I can attend artist groups and stay sober by going to meetings. Everything has fallen into place for me. And it's not all perfect, but God is it close. I can't imagine how it would have turned out if I didn't follow all the synchronicity that happened to line up right in front of me. Thank God for this little life I've been given. All for the low low price, of helping others stay sober.

[reneediesattheend]

Waiting for Kiki

A tide in Black, someone's Odyssey Sharpened sunlight warming my tights What better way to spend Mother's Day Than somewhere in the thin place

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Organizing The Armorie

"She's a bitch" Says my future wife to the speaker

"Chirst" She blurts over a knotted necklace she can't fix

I know these moments seem so small But I am gracious to have them all

--

The squeak of the floorboards The chips in the paint, or how the burners are too hot

We talk of painting the walls Hanging up shelves and plants The idea of years passing by

This little life plays so soft while the smell of sage wafts

I am happy to know here And here to know happy

[reneediesattheend]

Pain on The Antioch

The finding of snails on a walkway crushed & chewed Spat out flat Reminds me of The East Bay Sun

Shining down loveless & bright I poke fun At lesser Goths Who gave up Sooner than I

Would they were A different breed steadier in heat Then probably they would join in tandem

[reneediesattheend]

Star Shine

I want to see the stars again Us laid out in a Forest forever Quiet in a way most city folks can't even imagine - only the sound of bugs, birds, & water

To know peace with my hand in yours. It takes seconds to feel the weight of society slip away. Watching the Sky, shine. A smile on my face, a shooting Star

I wish for nothing I wish for this For us.

[reneediesattheend]

Your Mix

Crouched on the floor, repotting Remixing the soil with new taste Your hands dirty the tape leaving cracks, hissing, & pops a plenty

The planter filled with new kinds Of flowers, succulents, and herbs A chance to record a bit of who We were when the track dropped

The cassette sits fading in the sun Growing on me each time we play It wasn't what I thought it would be, but I'm surprised each season How I come to love it again

[reneediesattheend]

Everything Or Nothing

Chipping away at minutes and moments Hoping to make a something happen Spanging for a different result Something new I guess

It's odd Finding out That all you can really do Is spend your time wisely and pray Pray that all your effort will be worth it

[reneediesattheend]

The Next Right Step

I'm feeling hopeful about this year. Things are kinda in the air. I recently got laid off because of slow business and I'm in a limbo of sorts. There are so many things unfolding as well.

I'm currently going through The Artist's Way with a friend. I'm also doing a sewing workbook and a drawing workbook to improve my skills in both. I've been in this artistic kind of beginner's mindset.

The five year plan is a mess, but for now sewing seems like the direction to go. Maybe getting a tailoring job. It's good work if you can get it.

I'd love one day to start my own brand or do haute couture. Maybe just own my own shop as a small business. I always did want to start a shop with Ariel. Green and Glamour. Part plant shop, part clothing store.

I know that things aren't going to be clear for a while. I know things are going to be in flux for a while. I can't really count on a miracle this time. I feel that if this year is going to be a good one, it will be with my hard work taking the next right step every step of the way.

[reneediesattheend]

Is There A Way?

Those who don't write

Are doomed to stay blocked

Those who don't paint

Won't pick up the brush

Those who don't dance

Will fall without grace

Surely there are things

that must stay stopped

But why would music

not play on -

I can't imagine a fade

Without finding a joy

That does not end

[reneediesattheend]

A God Idealized

For the first time in my life I truly believe God can forgive me. I've done awful things and regretted them deeply. But now I am able to turn these things over to something more powerful than me.

They say we are all children of God. So why shouldn't God, like a real parent, be able to forgive us for making mistakes. Or laugh when we are behaving silly. Or pull us from the rapids when we are in danger. Why can't God give us patience and strength, or guide us when we can't see the way.

They can, and I believe it.

[reneediesattheend]

I was tired today. I've been tired a lot recently. I'm getting tired of being tired. I wish I jumped out of bed. I wish I had a spring in my step. I wish I tackled the day like a football player.

Instead, I roll out of bed, I drag my feet, and I meander into the day. It's exhausting and I feel like it'll never end. I'm hoping I'll figure it out soon.

[reneediesattheend]

Briefest Note

Currently in the middle of figuring out two things.

1. Manufacturing Joy, deciding to be happy, and BLANK

2. Noise keeps me from staying in the present, so how do I tune out noise?

[reneediesattheend]

Even Briefer Note

I'm so thankful to be living in the queerest place in the whole US. A vibrant community of people who I feel incredibly safe around. I love being a femme and knowing I have nothing to fear in this new home of mine.

[reneediesattheend]

Brief Note

I'm realizing that I have been relying quite a lot on my daily reprieve from my drinking to keep me steady. I want to further my program by focusing more on the steps and getting to the 9th step promises so I can feel some relief from my past mistakes and future worries and live more in the now.

From this point on I am focusing solely on the steps till I complete them.

[reneediesattheend]

Meditation - To Contemplate or Not To Contemplate

For the longest time I was convinced that mediation meant buckling down and quieting your mind till it was silent and then just existing there. However, there is such a thing called Contemplative Meditation. An old sponsor of mine mentioned at one of our meetings that the meditation they are talking about in the Big Book is not the kind of meditation fostered in through the East, but instead is an old western practice of turning an idea over and over in one's mind to see if they can hear some knowledge from their higher power.

I've done this in the past without knowing that this was what it was. I simply did it as an exercise to see what it would be like to focus on one thought and see what I could garner. Coming back to it a few years down the road, I want to incorporate it in my daily practice.

So from this point on, I am going to spend a little time each morning asking for knowledge of God's will through a practice of contemplative meditation on an issue related to my day.

[reneediesattheend]

A Little Check In

I'm currently working on getting my morning and night routines in everyday so that I can have solid days every day. It's coming along pretty well so far. I've fallen asleep a few times before doing my nighttime routine, but I've been kind to myself and given myself a break for bing tired.

Slowly, I am adding in habits that will make sense if I want to go into fashion. At the moment, I'm looking for BDR roles in tech as a means of boosting my income and giving me more time to focus on learning fashion. I think if I had a better paying job and could quit my 2nd part-time job, I'd be able to fit more of what I really care about into my day.

--

I feel a lot of shame in being dyslexic, I realize that many things that the average person can do, I can not. Even reading aloud a small email is incredibly difficult, and I feel saddened when I struggle to sound out even the simplest of sentences. It makes me feel really dumb not being able to do that.

--

My back is finally healing and getting better for good. I got a cortisone shot for it, and it's been helping tremendously. I'm going to start working out at some point to help strengthen my core, so I can keep my back from getting injured again. I need to fix my job situation first before I do that, though, that way I have the time to devote to it. Either that or I'll think of a way to squeeze it in.