remotely-attached

[remotely-attached]

But you should know that I died slow

Running through the halls of your haunted home

And the toughest part is that we both know

What happened to you - why you're out on your own

Merry Christmas, please don't call

[remotely-attached]

It all feels too good to be real. This is what I asked the universe. A permenant distraction. Someone worthy of my thoughts, willing to invest in me as much as I for them. And it’s here. Almost three months later and I’m still so surprised it’s here. He’s here. And he’s mine.

At first I felt nothing. It was a rough start - had had walls up so high, he tried so hard to climb over. He waited patiently, wondering if I would bring them down and let him in.

Then I felt everything all at once. And now I have a home office in his spare room and his house key on my key ring. He makes me dinner, and cleans up my concerns. He holds me when I’m scared, and will do anything to keep me from crying. He’s lost so much in his life, he feels he doesn’t deserve me - the same way I feel I don’t deserve him. How did we find eachother in this crazy world?

In the calmest way, I feel so much fear. Scared that this will change my whole life. And part of me holds a reserve - as if something will happen and this will all go away any minute.

Back in therapy, I remind myself I need to enjoy every minute of it. If it all ends tomorrow, I’ll feel so grateful I had it for even a short time.

I’m a lucky girl.

[remotely-attached]

"Yesterday I thought

Of my love for you, I remembered

The drops of honey on your lips,

I licked the sugar

Off the walls of my memory."

Nizar Qabbani

[remotely-attached]

“Your body was a wonderland”

Maui keeps calling and I feel no inclination to decline. I know it’s wrong. He’s mostly happily paired. Obviously I complicated things. I don’t call. He calls. So not my fault right?

I could not call back.

I could let it go to voicemail so he hangs up.

I could move on.

But I’ll never be able to let go, even if I tried.

“God, grant me distraction.”

A reasonable distraction would be nice this time.

Also. I need this to go away for good.

[remotely-attached]

In mourning Kauai, here comes Maui.

I’ve posted on my public IG and in comes his comment. First a like. Then heart eyes. Then additional hearts…

It’s the reason I hesitated to post. He’s occupied these days. We’re no longer a match. Also: I set his world on fire and for some reason - the man forgives me.

“Hey you” I purr as I answer.

He crumples. I can hear him on the other end groaning realizing he shouldn’t be calling. It’s the third time this week. Monday to tell me Cinco de Mayo reminded him of me. Wednesday because I posted a workout photo. And Thursday because he saw another photo of me.

“You know, you’re really such an incredible woman.”

He notes that he needs to learn how to lose my number and how he could unfollow me but the unknowing is even worse so he chooses torment.

“You’re absolutely gorgeous. Even more so these days. I will never get over you. There is always the one and you are the one.”

He’s quick to note again that he won’t even say “this is the last time I’m going to call” because he’s said it so many times before and breaks that promise. He goes on about our past. About him wishing he would’ve called me before 2020. About he’s thought about me so many times and he regrets every day not being man enough to take better care of me.

And lastly, he reminds me how amazing I am. That he would bend the world in half to spend time with me and in the same breath never allow himself in my company because he knows better.

“We could just have a coffee and catch up”

“No. Because if you were near me, you could do absolutely nothing to stop me from picking you up and taking you away. No one could. I couldn’t stop myself from trying to get back inside you in any way possible.”

8 years later and he still makes me heart jump.

8 years later and there’s no longer a chance for us.

8 years later and I’m blushing at the thought of our first kiss while he’s telling me that anyone is an idiot to not want to spend time with me.

8 years later and I’m still fawning over him.

[remotely-attached]

Those three effen dots get me every.damn.time.

[I love you. It’s ruining my life]

[remotely-attached]

I can recall the day perfectly. You walked up and said good morning as if you hadn’t just ignored me for five days. In a trip I planned mostly for you. Your shirt just a little bit too long, hanging over your short waist, accentuating your new belly.

“Sorry my body isn’t in the shape you deserve” you said earlier in the week.

The smell of your skin hit me like a gust of wind from a semi trailer the moment you said “good morning”.

I spent hours that day laughing at myself. “This is what you were obsessing over?”

I spent hours burning your face into the memory of my retinas trying to remember that my mind built you up and you are not someone to be obsessed over, by me at least. You didn’t fever my tears, my attention, my touch.

(I didn’t even hug you goodbye, to ensure my arms would forget the awkward way your chest sticks out when you hug me.)

Hours I spent convincing myself, texting my best friend every thought so I would remember exactly how I felt so I didn’t do it again.

But here I am. Obsessing over it. New dates with new men, and some great. But it’s your awkward hug and your awkward kiss I’m missing. The awkward look into your eye I’ll never see again.

I hate myself for wanting you so much. For being so disconnected with myself that your affection is the only thing that makes me feel happy at the end of the day. The response of your daily text that says something to me, but not enough to make me stop texting back or stop asking questions that you answer and ask back.

Asking and praying for the universe to give me the power to let this go.

[remotely-attached]

I just needed this to live in a safe space.

“Think I’ll miss you forever like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky”

I wish I had told you I loved you. I don’t think it would’ve fixed anything, but I loved you. I love you. And not in the way that you would think. In a way that makes me feel like I could pull the sun from behind the clouds on a day you were sad just to remind you that it exists and shines for you. In a way that I would fiercely hold your hand and hug you through the times you cried in private over things toxic masculinity taught you that you couldn’t feel.

One day, she’ll come around and win your heart and I’ll get it, but I’ll cry for the death of our past and happiness for you. That someone sees what I see. The flush in your cheeks when you kiss and the sound of your voice when you read me bedtime stories.

It’s time for me to let this go. I’m promise I’ll be trying my best, so please forgive me if I fail multiple times before it finally takes.

See you around, kiddo.

[remotely-attached]

It wasn’t how I planned it in my head at all.

I’m not sure what I was hoping for with our reunion but I’m pretty sure me in bed with you at night was not on the agenda.

I’m pretty sure I wasn’t planning on you telling me about you hooking up with a girl and waiting on std results just to be safe.

And I’m definitely sure that us staying clothed and me crying and then you saying “yeah, we should just be friends”… explaining you have feelings too and you feel bad that I feel bad like it was my job to console you - was not what I’d planned at all.

I just wanted to say somewhere in the universe (since I would never say this to your face) - that you’re not a bad person but you definitely deserve a curable std and I won’t put that in the universe because karma will come back for me but I hope karma treats you appropriately.

And fuck you. You don’t deserve my tears.

[remotely-attached]

It was never about the socks.

But in addition to sending them back to you (effectively ending any excuse I could find about contacting you in the future), I included my favourite book in hopes you can trace the parallels between it and your own world.

For a moment, I panicked you would Return to Sender, or throw the package away, not giving me a space to say so many words and nothing at all.

Then, I let it go.

I cannot control this outcome. You can act as childish as you choose. You seem very aware of it already, and yet do little to nothing to change it. So wanting to change and actually changing are two priorities you need to figure out on your own.

But I refuse to be there for it.

And I refuse to let you affect the kindness my heart doles out in spite of the poor ROI. I’ll forever serve hearts and hugs in a world of frowns. I’ll never apologize for the essence of my being.

You won’t break my soul.

[remotely-attached]

Always a good reminder when my tender, Mother Earth heart feels like it hurts too much to let go when I know it’s killing me to hold on.

[remotely-attached]

Over Bearing

I guess at the end of the day,

I feel a little bit silly.

There was an obvious gap

between us;

An entire ocean

of feeling

and noise…

But you persisted -

Slowly revealing

your injured wing

and vibrant feathers

concealed

behind your tattered jacket,

pulling my healer heart

into your orbit.

And your cold embrace

(disguised in soft touch)

gave strength

to help my waxy feelings fly

too

close

to

the

sun.

[I melted]

And as I fell,

I watched your face

contort in my direction

and then look away

as I crashed Into

the concrete wall

of your hospitality smile.

[remotely-attached]

Farewell.

I almost feel like

I have no right be annoyed or upset

at your lack of correspondence

because you showed me a few times

who you were

and for

some

reason

I believed

it was a fluke.

“Bad timing” I’d say.

“We’re both in a non committal zone” I’d rationalize.

“I’m not really ready for a relationship anyway” I’d justify.

But the months flew by

and as summers end grew

too

close

for

comfort

I realized how foolish it was of me

to buy remedies

to accommodate your cat allergy

for the future hope

that you might

come over for a drink

or three

and stay the night

and realize how nice it is

to wake up by my side

but

I guess that would

need to start with a kiss

and

you’d actually need to

text

me

back.

[remotely-attached]

It’s been 5 months + since we parted ways. Not that time really matters.

Last night, I found myself crumpled in the hallway in the dark, heaving, sobbing and producing guttural noises I didn’t realize I was capable of producing.

“Don’t forget to put the ice packs in the fridge to reduce the inevitable eye swelling” I told myself aloud, even though I knew I would be useless.

Looking back at the past few months, I realize I wasn’t ready to let go. I’ve been ready to move on but I keep finding myself saying “in a year when he’s got it together he’ll see and maybe we can revisit. Maybe something will change” and I know that’s not right. I know this is more than “he needed to get his life together” and me needing to be more understanding because I’ve been plenty understanding and we’re still here.

I find a tiny bit of excitement in finding the right future partner. I need to cling to that. To think about the right things this person can bring when he brought so many wrong things. So many red flags because I liked him and I’m loyal and I didn’t want to abandon the way others had. Because I wanted to prove I was different.

I need to hold onto that. To remember that life and love is worth waiting for and I need to be patient.

I need to let go of the love that I no longer have and make room for the love I want.

*please make me better*

[remotely-attached]

The final two weeks before the big goodbye.

And in every moment, I keep saying “this is it…”

I thought I’d be worse than this. I guess I thought I’d be better, though, too. Being away the past 10 days after the biggest event in my career carried me from one high to another and now everything seems duller by comparison.

Except my spiraling. My biggest fear of you with her for some suspicion I had long before there were any signs but she comes to visit her friend the one time that I’m out of town? It doesn’t feel like a coincidence and I’m torn between wanting to hold on and claim what’s rightfully mine - something I deserve after all my hard work… and wanting to applaud for someone interested in a polished turd most of us know is just shit.

And then the other part of me says this house smells and I’m freaking over nothing and there’s no reason for me to be suspicious and who cares anyways and I realize I probably just need to go to sleep.

So, I’m doing that now.

[remotely-attached]

The fact that this resonates so truly with the now, helps to remind me that this too will pass and you will simply be associate with some sweet and sad moments in my life.

I’ve met a dozen “you”s before. And some were more brilliant and better partners than you could EVER BE.

Again. FUCK YOU.

My Bad.

For a moment I let my heart shine through, and you took care to try and quell it’s brilliance. It was my mistake to let you believe that was even possible. I guess It would have been too easy to simply admit a mutual feeling on your end. Ever the devil’s advocate, you made sure to put me in my awkward place by reminding me of where I stood in your book: In the past chapters. With your friends in radius and a blanket to cling to, it is so much easier to dismiss me now that I’m not needed anymore. But this was my mistake again for not heeding the warning signs. I guess I can be blunt too: You see when I said I missed you, I really meant I miss the idea of you. The idea of us. I miss the simplicity. The way my heart kept time with the moments on the clock. I miss not looking around and wondering “where am I going next… and whose coming with me?” I miss a body keeping my bed warm. I miss someone to share my responsibilities. I miss having someone to count on. But in looking back at all these things I miss, I realize how naive I can be. That someone I missed can be anyone. And the list of things I don’t miss tower above the aforementioned. Such as your lack of passion for this life that is handed to you on a slightly tarnished platter. In truth, you join the ranks of those in my list before you. You are easily replaceable (even if memories stab at me) and in a few years, you will have just associated with some sweet and sad moments in my life. In a few years, I’ll forget this ball of fire glowing in my chest. And I’ll realize they were wrong: What doesn’t kill us doesn’t just makes us stronger. It also makes us bitter.

[remotely-attached]

My weekend plans were foiled by lots of snow. Another record breaking snow season and another event lost to the fluff of white feathers.

Earlier this week, i asked him for a hug because I was sad. I was feeling the tinge of missing him after being away for week all week and then away pup sitting in my old town. He hugged me and suggested we do something together “lunch?” I asked. “I was thinking like going to see a movie” he said.

Of course while I knew I shouldn’t feel it, I was excited, happy, relieved that maybe he missed me too. I was letting the feeling of his love and him overtake my thoughts and those things that hurt were slipping behind the facade of nostalgia.

So when my weekend plans went down, I asked if maybe we could do that movie and he said “yes”.

Only today, after a snowstorm, I found myself shoveling snow all by myself while he went off for a haircut. When he came back, he saw me using a metal shovel and asked why. I told him because it was soft and I needed to break up the ice before it froze over again. He offered no help, and walked inside. He came back out…. And asked if the internet had gone down. I noted I didn’t know because I’d been shoveling since he left for his haircut. And he walked back in.

He packed up to leave for his friends house and when I asked what time he’d be back, he said “something reasonable like 8/9.” I asked “so then we’re not doing a movie?”

“It depends on what time I get back and if you still want to watch a move”.

If there was ever a way to knock me back into remembering why we ended this, this was a reminder. A lazy, selfish kid who has no care for anyone but himself. So. Now I’ve a new idea.

I’m gonna be as nice as I’ve ever been. To the point where it seems I’m the best version of myself. And when he moves into a tiny bedroom of his best friends parents house as he moves into this THIRTIES, and feels like he’s lost it all, I’ll remind him he has.

And when he has no personal space and realizes that he buried his own depression grave and he realizes he had it pretty good, I’m gonna pray that it hurts his heart like hell. It’s not enough for him to be sad anymore. I want it to CRUSH HIS SOUL. I want him to feel full of regret until his heals from his debt.

That will be the last time I ever show my vulnerability again. Shame on me for keeping my heart so obvious. But while you think you’ve got the upper hand, let me remind you that this woman you’ll never touch again is strong as fuck and will continue to thrive without your dead leaves dragging me down. Fuck you.