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[releasemymind]

Those who know me well will know I am somebody who will do anything I can to help people, a lot of the time at the detriment of myself and my own wellbeing.

By not putting me first I have become somebody who is numb, who cannot express emotion at the times I should. In a way, I have been a can of fizzy pop being shaken for years and years, and somebody is about to open it.. whether everything explodes and it gets messy; or whether it will be a disappointing hiss and that’s it, I don’t know. But I need to make some changes before this happens.

I have few people in my life who I truly trust, and some of this trust is 2nd sometimes 3rd chance as they’ve done me wrong in the past, but that’s okay, people make mistakes, and as long as they have learned from them, I can forgive and forget, which I have done and no doubt will again, but ONLY certain people.

I don’t even know why have started writing this, or where it’s going, I think I just feel I need to get shit out my system and rebuild myself. I have neglected myself and some others in my life for way too long, this has affected relationships with those who I hold closest to

my heart. I have made some unwise and plain stupid decisions in my life, but I believe that everything happens for a reason, and good comes from all negative events that happen in life.. believing this is the reason I am still here.. even if on some occasions I’m still waiting for the good to reveal itself.

I have hated myself, the way I look, the way I feel and the way I am, on and off for way too long, but I have neglected to try and do anything about it. This past few weeks I have learned a lot about myself and have made positive, so be it at this moment In time, small steps to adapt, so I can feel again so I can be the person I wish to be. It’s hard to break a mindset that has been with me for a long time, but by god I am gonna do it, and already have in some respects. I have held back on things I want to do and new things I want to try because of the fear of getting it wrong, or looking stupid.. I will no longer do this, small steps at a time, but I will stop holding myself back: I have talents and I need to utilise them.

I see people who just breeze through life; a lot of them not very nice, or very selfish people, and I think that maybe that’s how I should be, but I can’t, it’s just not in my nature. I have people in my life who can relate to this, who have been good people but have to face a wall of shit, be it health wise, or just plain bad luck. People say you make your own luck; it’s been 46 years and I still can’t get my head around why friends who are amazingly good people, are my age or younger have battled cancer, face life long illness have not been able to be open about how they feel and feel the best way to deal with issues is to no longer be on this earth. If there is a god ; or superior being, why does it let this happen.

This is not a cry for help, I don’t need to talk about it, and I am okay; I promise. I am in a period of reflection, adaptation and change.. those who want to support and join me on this journey are welcome, those who want to hold me back, are welcome to never speak to me again.

In the words of the worlds most over rated band, “Love is all you need” and is what I and those fortunate to be in my life deserve.